Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Coffee, Hair Clips and Prognosis

It all started with a cup of coffee.  Well, actually, it was a whiff of coffee as I walked  past the small coffee stand. My immediate thought was, "gosh, I want a cup of coffee." Ordinarily this would not be a big deal, but it is when I, a once avid coffee drinker, have not had a cup of full-leaded coffee, be it black, mocha or latte, in over 4-5 months.

One of the physical annoyances of this lymphoma is that I have not been able to tolerate certain foods (spicy types, beans of any kind, some vegetables and fruits) and beverages such as coffee. Typically, I have not had any issues with these foods prior to developing lymphoma although in retrospect, I was having some tell tale signs. Quite awhile before I was diagnosed, I began noticing that coffee,regular/decaf, didn't matter, was upsetting my stomach and even the taste was somehow skewed.  Mind you, I have been a coffee drinker for years and had my daily morning ritual of making coffee first thing, often looking forward to that early time of the day where I could sip my coffee with my favorite creamer, sit by the fire, read my devotional and journal, or just absorb the quiet and calm before a busy work day.

Those days of morning coffee have passed (now it is herbal tea), but my silly mind still wants coffee. Actually, I think what is really happening, is that my mind likes the idea of coffee, bringing with it feelings of calming enjoyment and sweet flavor.

 Not unlike the desire for coffee and forgetting the consequences if ingested, my mind has other lapses of reality. Just the other morning as I was getting out of bed, I grabbed a hair-butterfly-claw-clasp-thingy off the night stand with the intention of bundling my hair on top of my head to get it out of the way and off my face. It took a couple of beats and then I remembered that hair getting in my face is not an issue I have at this present time.

Our minds are such tricky things.  They can be so powerful at grasping truth and at the same time they can be so subtle, even deceitful, in avoiding it. I'm realizing this more and more as I've gone through the layers of processing every step of this journey. Take for instance the process of going from early symptoms and thinking I had some kind of virus, to tests being conducted, to biopsies being ordered, to multiple CT scans, to a visit with an oncologist, yet another biopsy and then chemotherapy.  Each step of the way, I have had to get my mind wrapped around the information and the next steps. It didn't happen all at once, but rather gradually and in small increments.  I so clearly remember that first appointment with the oncologist, when she asked how I was doing with all of "this". My response was something like, 'I still can't believe I'm sitting in your office and that you are talking about me'.

 Now, fast forward, and here I am, more than halfway done with treatment. Anticipating session 4 on Valentine's day (because nothing says 'I love you' like a day of chemotherapy!?!), I'm not nearly as anxious or apprehensive. In fact, I am seeing and experiencing the benefits of chemotherapy and have a better rhythm and routine of how to deal with side affects following each treatment.  My mind has made many adjustments to get to this place, the most pronounced being accepting that this is what I need to do to get healthy.

As I mentioned, I reached the half-way point a few weeks ago. Realizing I've been so focused on treatment, and not really thinking about my prognosis and what recovery looks like, it seemed time to discuss this with my doctor and ask about the coming months and what can be expected.

"We'll be seeing a lot of each other over the coming months and years" was the doctor's response. In my gut I wasn't prepared to hear that, but on a cognitive level I knew that seemed right. There has to be follow-up, right? She continued on to say that the hope is still that I will enter into remission (no cancer cells present) after these chemo treatments, but, she added, "this is follicular lymphoma" and to paraphrase, it is expected that this cancer will become active again, because that is what follicular lymphoma does. I'm not sure if things got better or worse from there as I once again entered that head space of 'you're talking about me?', but she went on to explain that should there still be cancer cells present after therapy is completed, there are other "things we can do" that involve alternative chemotherapy regimens, other treatment options, and so forth. 

The  wheels of my brain were churning.  Hmmm, this is not what I was wanting to hear, even though I already 'knew' that a re-occurrence of this cancer is likely as we had had prior conversations about this. My heart and mind have been so set on getting to remission, feeling better and moving on with life that truthfully, I haven't been willing to entertain the idea of not being cancer-free.

Needless to say, I had a much needed meltdown many days later while I tried to process this. I had been feeling pretty down in the dumps for several days and realized it was because the doctor was telling me things I didn't want to hear.  The beautiful thing about having a 'meltdown' however, is that another layer of reality becomes understood in the process, at least that is what I have found to be true for me. There is a great release that happens through tears, tantrum-throwing, anger, or sorrow; it enables me to come to a place where I can move forward. 

I realized, after many tears were shed and I spent time talking this through with my husband, that my mind has been trying to grasp at the familiar and 'normal' (like coffee and hair clips) to feel calm and settled inside. The reality is that my life will never be the same again, with or without cancer in the future.  I'm a changed person now because of this and I have to let go of my old life-- my old 'normal'-- and embrace the new. The future, regardless of what it holds, already is different, changed and new.  

Ahh, another layer of this journey being processed, and my mind is once again wrapping itself around it. Just like the step of shaving my head, I am finding a sense of freedom as I lean into this next step. In retrospect, I  couldn't even imagine doing chemotherapy, and now, here I am nearly two-thirds of the way done; I couldn't imagine losing my hair, and now I marvel at my little bald head and am finding joy in not having to blow dry my hair every day! (Showers are much quicker!)

Two truths I've come to experience and know: 

 -- I only have to do one step at a time, and one day at a time;
 -- There is always grace for each step and each day.  

I remind myself almost daily of the truth found in this passage of scripture, Lamentations 3:22-24. (This is the New International Version):



Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

    for his compassions never fail.
 They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.”


Tuesday, February 04, 2014

General Blog Information

How to follow "Ponderings":

I have recently received quite a few questions regarding following my blog so I thought I would take a moment and address this.

If you are a Google,  Twitter or Yahoo user, you can easily click on the "Join this site" button on the left hand side of the blog page and follow along with others.  You have the option of having a public profile or you can choose to be hidden on the blog.

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Comments:

I have changed the settings on the "Comments" section so that it will be easier to leave a comment if you desire to do so. At the end of each blog post there is a link will either show "no comments" or the number of comments left.  To leave a comment, click on the this link. Your comment will show up right away.  I moderate all comments left on the blog site.