What Do You Have To Lose?

I've been sitting here for about 45 minutes now, having the desire to write....something... this morning.  I have made a few attempts at inspiring words, or thoughtful and profound combinations of insights, but everything sounds forced.

So, realizing that I just need to be me--drinking coffee and at my computer in my P.J.s--I'll just write out what is on my heart today;  everyone needs hope and I'm so thankful that I have that in Jesus. He redeems everyday of my life, giving me hope and purpose.

Okay--no joke--my keyboard died immediately after I wrote that last sentence!  (I think this is confirmation I'm on the right track. Just sayin'...)  With new batteries in place, I will continue on.

Life is full of heartache, uncertainties, betrayals, hardships.  We have all experienced some or all of these and I don't know of anyone who escapes them.  That is why we need hope, otherwise how could any of us make it through this life?  I know I couldn't.  Everything comes up disappointing and lacking.  Even the most indulgent thing one can imagine ends up disappointing and falling short.

I work for a major weight loss corporation.  Each week I engage with several hundred people as I lead meetings that are designed to educate and inspire attendees to reach their weight-loss goals and change old habits to build a healthier lifestyle.  It is not uncommon to have times of one-on-one consultation with an attendee who says they are "stuck" or have "fallen off the wagon". Often, during these conversations with a member, they voice frustration and/or disappointment and are seeking that 'one thing' they can do that will change things for them.  More times than not, as we talk, I discover that their trials are not really about their weight,  but about life 'stuff''. I can see despair, sorrow, sadness in their eyes and a longing so deep for something to soothe the hurt and fill the void--one that they have tried to fill with food--that has, in the end, come up unsatisfying and even more so, left them frustrated and empty.

I know of only one thing--one person-- that can fill that void and give meaning and purpose and it is a relationship with Jesus.  I mean just that; relationship. It isn't achieved through a series of religious rituals and practices or attending church every Sunday or at the very least at Christmas and Easter; it most certainly isn't about getting your life straightened out before you are ready for Jesus or being a 'good' person; but, it is about trusting and believing that Jesus truly is the only hope we have and receiving his gift of salvation and coming to Him with our need and our messy life.

When I was a child I "asked Jesus into my heart" so I would go to Heaven when I died.  As I have aged and matured in my faith, I have grown in my understanding that Jesus not only payed the price for all of my sin, but also the reality that He gives everyday, every situation, hope and 'possibilities'.  He is the only one who can make sense of the non-sense in the world and in my life. He is the only one that can really change things that I am powerless to change. He is the One who can bring peace to a situation--even if it never changes-- where it seems there should be no peace.

All of this takes faith.  Each of us (if we're honest with ourselves) are looking for that 'one thing' that will fill the void in life and have probably tried every other substance or activity to fill it:  food, alcohol, drugs, anger, bitterness, sex, shopping, exercise and on and on--and find ourselves left wanting more to be satisfied.

So, let me pose this question--one that I have used in the weight loss world;  What do you have to lose?  But really more than that, what will you gain if you "taste and see" that He is good and satisfying?*



Just a side note--I love the  Bible app on my phone. I always have it with me and can use it in multiple ways.  The link is here just in case it will be of help to you! https://www.youversion.com/

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*Psalms  34:8 (Amplified Bible)

O taste and see that the Lord [our God] is good! Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man who trusts and takes refuge in Him.

^{Lamentations 3: 22-25 (Amplified Bible)} 

 It is because of the Lord’s mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His [tender] compassions fail not.

They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness.

The Lord is my portion or share, says my living being (my inner self); therefore will I hope in Him and wait expectantly for Him.

The Lord is good to those who wait hopefully and expectantly for Him, to those who seek Him [inquire of and for Him and require Him by right of necessity and on the authority of God’s word].

On the Journey Outside of the Box: Created to Create

I'm noticing it has been almost a year since my one and only post of 2011;  I guess it is time to update for 2012!

This year has been a journey of getting to know myself better.  Not in a hedonistic, 'the- world-revolves-around-me' kind of way, but rather seeking after the Lord and asking 'who-did-He-create-me-to-be-and-how-does-He-want-to-use-me-in-the-bigger-picture?' kind of way.

With our youngest graduating from high school this year, my husband and I are transitioning into a new phase of life.  I have to say, I'm feeling pretty excited about it.  We haven't been here before and I am excited about the possibilities!  While I still find it difficult to believe we're here at this point in time, I am embracing it, enjoying seeing 'the kids' grow into young adults, making their choices and finding their own paths on their own journeys.  Certainly there are growing pains for me as I learn to change my mode of operation as a mother. No longer do I or, or can I, thrust my opinions and advice upon them, but I'm learning to treat them as adults and the need to ask for permission to speak into their lives--which thankfully is welcomed and received. Scheduled lunch dates are now a part of the calendar rather than nightly family dinners. More time is spent praying for each of them and  asking God to speak into their lives in a way they would hear and know, and instead of holding them tightly, I am continually learning to love them with open arms that are letting go and releasing.

Yes, lots of new chapters are being written on the pages of my life book.  With that comes the awareness that my 'job' of mothering is being phased out.  Not entirely ('once a mother, always a mother') but certainly shifting and no longer my main occupation. Which sends my brain into a swivet wondering, "What now God?"

This past year I have been having discussions with the Lord, asking Him to help me know who He created me to be.  I wasn't created just to be a wife and a mother, but he created me as a whole person on my own.  Like Psalm 139:13 says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."  It occurred to me that of course God knows who I am and how He wants to use me, but there are holes or have been holes in my thinking: I don't know fully who He created me to be--or more accurately, I've lost sight of that. For so many years I've just rested (or was lazy) in the idea of, 'I'm a mom' and this is my job right now. 

Over the course of time I have put myself in a box or even several boxes. These boxes begin forming from the time we're young.  Our families of origin help tape the flaps of these boxes together, choices we make as young adults further add form as well as the churches we attend and the doctrine and spiritual teaching we receive through the years.  And then we reach mid-life adulthood and discover we have become comfortable in our tidy cubed housing; we have an identity.   We can give the acceptable answer to people when they ask, "What do you do?"  "Where do you go to church?"  "What are your hobbies?"  "What are your children doing?" and on and on.

I'll confess in the core of my being has always been a bit of resistance or rebelliousness to any kind of box.  For example, I can remember a time when I was young resenting those that decided certain things were fashionable or "in" just because 'they' decided it was so.  What if I didn't like it? Who gave them the power to make those kinds of decisions for me?  I was reminded of this when my daughter H was in kindergarten.  One morning she came out of her room dressed in stripes, plaids and a print.  Her face was beaming and she was feeling good!  It pained me when out of my mouth came the words something to the effect of 'I'm not sure all those things go together'.  She asked why?  Again, I think I uttered something senseless about, 'in our culture we don't wear those things together'.  (I know...pretty silly and stupid...I had definitely become part of that box!)  She insisted that she wanted to wear all of her favorite things together at the same time.  Thankfully, I was able to pause and fully take in her beaming face.  She felt good from the inside out, and it showed.  I sent her off to school wearing a creative expression of what she felt deep inside--joy.

So, fast forward to today and the journey the Lord has me on.  Once again I've been asking, "what does life look like outside of the box?" "How have I been limiting God because I can't see outside of the walls I've created?"

At this point in time, this is what He has shown me, He created me to create.  Creating can take all forms--music, art, writing--it is expression of what is inside and often transcends words, touching those places deep in our spirit that resonate with God's heart.  What I'm realizing more deeply is that I'm drawn to textures.  After all, isn't that what all of life is about?  There are so many layers, so many rough spots and joyfully smooth spots in life that are woven together to make up an art piece that is our lifetime.

As I reflect on my life and the way creativity has taken shape, I'm learning that it all has seasons, and changing mediums or materials.  Early in childhood I was drawn to crafts--any and all kinds of crafts.  Keeping my hands busy, working out what was in my head into and through my hands. After college, working with flowers and becoming a floral designer was the expression.  I'm still inspired by the Creator's creativity.  Oh the joy he must have felt when he made each flower; the smooth round edges, the sharp pointy petals, the intricate color spots and speckles at the center of each flower--all things that are easily over looked--but nevertheless, He didn't spare giving each detail full attention.

Music has also been a predominate source of expression either through music theater, choirs or as a worship team member.  Again, the texture of the harmonies was what I always have enjoyed the most, and being an alto, this is what I loved doing the most.  Never wanting to be a soloist or headliner, my joy has always come from being part of the intricacies that fill out the music, adding to that musical chord that pokes deeply into the depths and touches places that words fail to reach.


Yesterday, my youngest daughter S and I visited several artist's studios in our County as part of the "Open Studios" series.  A wonderful artist and friend, Valerie Sjodin, had her studio open so we stopped by to visit.  Not only are Valerie's paintings beautiful and rich in texture and color, but you truly sense that the Holy Spirit is painting through Valerie.

At the studio, I knew the Lord had a word for me as I picked up a note card with one of Valerie's paintings printed on the front.  The image is of a butterfly in transformation from every stage of development from larvae to emerging the chrysalis with wings, all of this is happening inside of a transparent box.  The last image shows the  butterfly flying out of the box, wings spread open. Across the top are the words, "What if there is no box?"

My daughter said as we left the studio, "Why do I feel like I've just worshipped?"  We both left with hearts full and eyes full of tears, expressing things deep in our hearts that words couldn't.  Thank you, Valerie for listening to the Lord and for allowing Him to use you through your creativity to speak His truth into the lives of others.

So today, I find myself writing again, heart full of possibilities of how the Lord may want to continue growing me and using me in the lives of others through creating, opening my eyes to new textures and materials, giving me a desire to wait on Him and freely follow Him. I pray that my hands and heart will be open to new things and not clenched tightly, holding onto false securities or the safety of the 'known' box.

I find peace in knowing that He knows all the layers of life's textures that this path holds.

Walking on Dry Land

You know you're in a new place of life when the book of Ecclesiastes begins making sense!

In a conversation with my husband yesterday, we talked about the flood of thoughts, fears, emotions and apprehensions that have crept into life as we celebrate birthdays this next month and head deeper into our 50's. Admittedly, we are stunned at how quickly half of our lives have passed, seemingly in a blink of the eye, and the remaining years are fewer than what we've lived to date.  (I know...sounds so morose.)

We find ourselves challenged by the next 20-30 years (hopefully) and wonder, dare I say 'petition' the Lord, as to how He wants to, or even can, use us to further His purpose and be part of His story in the time we live in. Admittedly, it is hard for us to 'see' what that may be, but we have faith and confidence that He is able to do it....but our faith and confidence wane from time to time.  The pressures of the more immediate make it difficult to keep our eyes on the goal so-to-speak.

This past week or so-- no, back that up to the last month--the daily pressures of life, accompanied by 'life' itself have been building up inside of me.  Some of the pressures are good, such as when my manager asked me to be part of a 2-person team to write a 'playbook' for an account that will be distributed to other service providers in the state as a guide.  It is great knowing someone has confidence in my ability and appreciates my understanding for the account, experience, and so forth, but then again, one more thing has been added to my "To Do" list, with a very short deadline in sight.

Another part of this equation is that as children grow, their problems go from being child-like issues, to that of adult, potentially life-changing issues.  As parents, we're always parents, and so we find ourselves walking the fine line; walking alongside them, ready to hold on to them if needed, supporting and guiding, yet letting them walk on their own and navigating this part of the journey independently.  But it all takes energy--lots of emotional and spiritual energy--and I'll confess, it can be exhausting at times as each of them are daily, very present in my thoughts and prayers.

Wanting to continue to grow in the Lord and live a life that is purposeful, for Him, is also a 'pressure' of sorts, or at least a desire that continually stirs and drives me. I am challenged by the idea of being more connected in my 'community'--whatever that may be.  It my be my work community, my neighborhood, the circle of friends I have on FB or wherever; but the desire that has been placed in me is relentless.  How or what does this look like?  What are the opportunities that I have everyday to show others Christ; to let them know of  the love He has for them; for sharing the Hope that I have and the only real sure thing to cling to in this life?  Again, this is a very positive thing, but a 'pressure' of sorts that layers my body with emotions, questions, and a mental puzzle that I work on almost daily.

The relief valve gave way last night. I'm so thankful for the relief that comes in the form of tears; a release of the pressure that has been building; a way for the angst, fears and desires for control to be released.

In church last night, as worship in song was taking place, I sat quietly praying, asking and seeking the Lord's word to me in the midst of the noise of life.  I handed him my fears, my angst, my anger, my joys, my hurts, my insecurities, my pride, the 'unknowns', the pain (mine and that of others), my many 'roles' in life--wife, mother, friend, employee, mentor--and even whatever His purpose for me is in the grand scheme of things.

As I produced a mental picture of piling everything into a large basket and handing it over to Him, I confessed that I felt I was drowning under the weight of everything and that I knew I couldn't continue juggling everything on my own.  (I have this tendency to do that.  And usually find myself back at this place from time to time.) It has all just been too much.  I couldn't see to the other side of anything...just the road block that was so present in front of me...the obstacles that just seem too big, too difficult, too much.

In a moment that was clearly divine, a very real, technicolor picture filled my mind;  God parting the Red Sea. With that came these thoughts: the children of Israel had fears and were being chased by far worse enemies than I have; when they came to the edge of the Red Sea, they had run out of  "road" or a clear path to travel on, they probably also felt that there was no place to go and couldn't see beyond what was in front of them; and best of all, when God parted the Red Sea for them, they walked on dry land through the middle of that obstacle.

What a 'word' from the Lord! All I can say is, Wow! God doesn't "muddy" things, or only half-way do things.  When he 'directs our paths' we'll know; I have to keep looking and trusting.  In the midst of 'life' chasing us, He will make a way.

He will make a way for me.

Thank you, Lord!

Silver

Our Wedding Day:
July 27, 1985

My husband and I celebrated our 25th Wedding anniversary this week.  It is hard to believe that 25 years have passed since that day.

I spent some time thinking back over the years, reflecting on all that has taken place.  We have experienced joys that can't be surpassed, trials that we didn't think we'd survive, and sorrows that we  wished we could have avoided. 

But, all in all, there is so much to be thankful for, such as:

 ~ the blessing of our 4 children

~ the Lord's grace and mercy that have allowed us to hold true to our commitment to one another for all these years.

~ a shared foundation of faith that has kept us grounded and on the same footing
~ a shared commitment to forgiving and loving one another

~ continually learning and growing

~ the blessing of being married and sharing my life with Ron

Confessions of a Blogger

I have something to confess.  Beginning this blogging journey once again is a bit of stretch for me, yet I know it is something I need to do. I'll explain...

A couple of weeks ago I ran into a dear friend whom I had not seen in person in over a year.  We had exchanged some Facebook comments and emails in past months, but that had been about it.  As we talked face to face, she brought up something about my writing.  I was a little caught off guard and told her I hadn't written in over a year and didn't know if I could or would get back to it.  Strangely, while we talked, I felt a well of emotion bubbling to the top and was unsure as to why I was feeling so unsteady.  Her kind words were poking at a tender spot that I hadn't realized was there.  (Giving more thought to this, I think I was feeling emotional because actually, what I had done out of self-preservation was to convince myself that writing/blogging was something I 'used to do' and that this 'season' of my life had passed even though it was something I used to enjoy so deeply.)

In the past several years, my family and I have had some deep wounds (some imposed by others) that have needed time to heal, and making myself vulnerable again to others outside of my safe circle  has been scary for me. So naturally, blogging--a very public forum-- has gone to the wayside.  I mean, realistically, who in their right mind likes to lay themselves open to the general public for comments, criticisms and critiques?  But when I get my focus back on the purpose, then things change.

When I started this blog, I felt so compelled to just be me and to share "Thoughts about living real life as a real follower of Jesus....and other things to ponder."  When I reflect on this, I still am so convinced that this is a call on my life. I don't know why, but it is something that presses on me...to be 'real', to be vulnerable and transparent.  If  the Lord can use any of this somehow for His glory and to lead others to Himself, then I want to be obedient in doing whatever He asks of me. But truthfully, I just haven't thought about blogging in that way for quite awhile. Thankfully, through this friend, He gave me a peek at the bigger picture and a renewal in my spirit.  It's not about me....but Him. When I focus on the Lord and what HE might be doing, then I feel courage and creativity flowing back into weary bones and brain cells.

I don't share this in hopes of getting pats on the back, or even a 'hooray for you', but just to share.  That's really what it comes down to.

I doubt this will be the most profound thing that anyone reads today.  But maybe, just maybe, the Lord, in His divinely loving supernatural way of doing things, will use it to touch a life.

Thank you Lord, for courage, strength and focus today.  Thank you for continual healing and your life-giving breath in my life.

Blueberries

Yesterday was a very "blue" day for our family. We picked blueberries at a local farm. The weather was perfect and everyone was very up for the adventure. The crop was so bountiful that we nearly couldn't stop ourselves but finally regained control and put the buckets down after picking 64.7 lbs!

Needless to say, our freezer will be well-stocked for the next year! What a blessing to be able to go pick these abundant, beautiful blue gems !