Warm Gloves In My Pocket

I smiled this morning as I felt the gloves in my pocket. I was driving in my car, on the way to visit my mother on this cold, rainy day. I had decided to drag myself out of bed at a reasonable time and go see her for the day, partly to take care of some business items, partly to visit and check in on her.

About a mile away from my house, I realized my hands were incredibly cold and thought to myself, 'oh, if only I had my gloves with me!' A small voice inside of my head prompted me to check my pockets. To my surprise, my black, fleece-lined gloves were nestled deep inside. I quickly put them on, letting them envelope each finger and palm, immediately feeling a comforting protection from the cold air in the car.

"Thank you, Lord, for my gloves", I said out loud. I thought to myself, 'isn't that just like the Lord, to provide gloves for me, just because he loves me so, because he cares about my comfort, because he's my father and wants to keep my hands warm. '

As I continued my drive to my mom's apartment this morning, I prayed along the way asking for the Lord to be overwhelmingly present and to open my eyes to his blessings and provision. These days, more than ever, I have been asking the Lord to open my spiritual eyes to see beyond the obvious, and asking that he'd reveal Himself to me in the details of each day. I'm not talking about just the big, "wow" events, but in the minutia, the mundane and trial-making stuff of each day.

My oldest sister met me at the apartment as we are the designated/volunteer children to make sure mom's bills are paid and that her checking account stays in the black. Mom had not slept well last night and was still in her robe and slippers, laying on her couch when we got there. She greeted us with a big smile. This was the first time I've seen my mother without her wig. She usually wears a really cute, stylishly cut wig that she purchased when she first started chemo and subsequently lost all her hair. But today, she decided to not "mess with it" and just "be". I couldn't help but smile as she looked so cute and endearing.

Before we got down to the business of paying bills, the three of us--mom, my sister "J and I--sat and talked while sipping tea and coffee. Our conversation was full as Mom shared openly her thoughts about dying some day, her curiousity about what Heaven will really be like, and the excitement at the thought of seeing other loved ones waiting there. Both my sister and I voiced our feelings of envy that mom will get to go to Heaven soon (most likely), while we still have to go on living in this world and deal with all the strife that comes with it.

At one point, my sister asked mom if she'd like to have scripture read to her. Mom has just been too tired to read lately, so Mom was very "up" for it. J and I each picked a different Psalm to read. I chose Psalm 145 as this is one the Lord showed me this week that I've read almost daily.

Chapter 145
A psalm of praise. Of David.

I will exalt you, my God the King;
I will praise your name for ever and
ever.

Every day I will praise you
and extol your name for ever and
ever.

Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise;
his greatness no one can
fathom.

One generation will commend your works to another;
they will tell of your mighty acts.

They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty,
and I will meditate on your wonderful works.

They will tell of the power of your awesome works,
and I will proclaim your great deeds.

They will celebrate your abundant goodness
and joyfully sing of your righteousness.

The Lord is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and rich in love.

The Lord is good to all;
he has compassion on all he has made.

All you have made will praise you, O Lord;
your saints will extol you.

They will tell of the glory of your kingdom
and speak of your might, so that all men may know of your mighty acts
and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.

Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
and your dominion endures through all
generations.

The Lord is faithful to all his promises
and loving toward all he has made.

The Lord upholds all those who fall
and lifts up all who are bowed down.

The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food at the proper
time.

You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

The Lord is righteous in all his ways
and loving toward all he has made.

The Lord is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.

He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.

The Lord watches over all who love him,
but all the wicked he will
destroy.

My mouth will speak in praise of the Lord.
Let every creature praise his holy
name for ever and ever.

I finished reading the passage with tears in my eyes as we were sharing and talking about God's goodness and faithfulness, one generation to another. I then asked if I could read another passage that the Lord showed me this week.

I read Revelation19:1-16, which speaks of Christ's return and the wedding of the bridegroom and his bride. I could barely finish reading as I was so overwhelmed with the hope of what is to come:

After this I heard what sounded like the roar of a great multitude in heaven
shouting:

“Hallelujah!
Salvation and glory and power belong to
our God, for
true and just are his judgments.
He has condemned the great prostitute
who corrupted the earth by her adulteries.
He has avenged on her the blood of his
servants.”

And
again they shouted:

“Hallelujah!
The smoke from her goes up for
ever and ever.”

The
twenty‑four elders and the four living creatures fell down and worshiped God,
who was seated on the throne. And they cried:

“Amen,
Hallelujah!”

Then
a voice came from the throne, saying:

“Praise our God,
all you
his servants,
you who fear him,
both small and great!”

Then
I heard what sounded like a great multitude, like the roar of rushing waters and
like loud peals of thunder, shouting:

“Hallelujah!
For our Lord
God Almighty reigns.
Let us rejoice and be glad
and give him glory!
For the wedding of the Lamb has
come, and his bride has made herself ready.
Fine linen, bright and clean,
was given her to wear.”

(Fine linen stands for the righteous acts of the saints.)

Then the angel said to me, “Write: ‘Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding
supper of the Lamb!’ ” And he added, “These are the true words of
God.”

At this I fell at his feet to worship him. But he said to me, “Do not do it! I am a
fellow servant with you and with your brothers who hold to the testimony of
Jesus. Worship God! For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of
prophecy.”

I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and makes war. His eyes are like blazing fire, and on his head are many crowns. He has a name
written on him that no one knows but he himself. He
is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God. The
armies of heaven were following him, riding on white horses and dressed in fine
linen, white and clean. Out of his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations. “He will rule them with an iron scepter.” He treads the wine press of the fury of the wrath of God Almighty.

On his robe and on his thigh he has this name written:

King of Kings
and Lord of Lords.

We were excited at the hope, the truth--the reality--of it all. This is real. This will really happen...and Mom is on the threshold of really stepping into Heaven.

After I finished reading this passage, without skipping a beat, my sister broke out in song, singing the hymn "When We all Get to Heaven":

When we all get to Heaven,What a day of rejoicing that will be! When we all see
Jesus,We’ll sing and shout the victory!

I joined in, as did my mother, singing the chorus a couple of times, complete with 3 part harmony! We all laughed and then went off on some tangent about old hymns, singing bits and pieces of them as we remembered.

I left mom's late in the afternoon. As I drove home, I thanked the Lord for the uplifting, encouraging time spent at my mother's and how the Lord had provided each of us with just what we needed. He had indeed given me a glimpse...actually, much more than a glimpse, of His work in the details of life--my life.

I was overwhelmed as I thought about the huge-ness (my own made up word) of God--how Holy and immense He is, yet intimate and personal.

He hears the cries of all who call on him;
He fulfills the desires of all who fear him;
He opens his hand and satisfies the desires of every living thing;
He lifts up all who are bowed down;
He reigns and is worthy of praise;
He is the rider on the white horse whose name is Faithful and True;
He is the victor;
He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords;
He is my comforter in these days grief;
My hope and joy in these days filled with trials;
He is the One who loves me;
He is the one who reminds me of warm gloves in my pocket.

I was reminded--again--why I so desperately want out of my present employment situation. This is the busiest time of the year for the office I work in. (Oh, not to mention that things have progressively gone down hill since my earlier departure attempt to go to the florist. But that is another blog post waiting to happen. )

The insurance agent I work for deals mostly with medicare insurance and these months are what is known in the industry as "Open Enrollment". This is the time of year that Medicare says if someone over 65 and on Medicare wants to change insurance plans, they can do it. So, since 98% of the clientele for this agent is over 65 and this is the bread-and-butter of his business...we're hoppin'. Well, actually, let me clarify and say, I'm hopping...to about 35-40 hours a week.

The main enrollment surge is over, the majority of the enrollment forms (over 300) have been submitted to one of 4 different insurance companies, all with effective coverage dates of 1/1/08. However, as I've come to expect, now is the time that we receive massive phone calls from panicked seniors for one reason or another. Some who just want to check in and let us know they're worrying, wondering if they've made a good choice. Or the majority of today's calls were from people who hadn't received their ID cards (which come directly from the different mega insurance companies) and they've already had coverage for 1 whole day. So many of the incoming calls contained the phrase, "what am I supposed to do? And then it is usually followed by some accusatory statement like, 'you said this was going to be a good thing for me'. (Okay, first of all, I'm not the insurance agent and secondly, I'm not the one who talked to you about this insurance. I'm just the lucky gal who gets to answer the phone, problem solve and get all your issues resolved as the agent doesn't do this kind of thing but rather "lets me do it".)

I've tried for years, literally, to see this as some kind of ministry. This is confusing stuff and unfortunately, the agent doesn't do a lot of follow-up care after they sign on.Who is going to help these seniors if not me? I'm their last ray of hope in a lot of instances. I feel a responsibility to them. Yes, there is some satisfaction to duking it out with Medicare and a mega corporation to get an elderly person their basic medical insurance, and there have been occasions that the senior on the other end of the phone, reduced to tears, says thank you and ends the conversation feeling somewhat hopeful. There have been a few rewarding times. But the majority of the work is protracted, not-resolved, and somehow I find myself caught in the middle of a situation that I wasn't initially a part of!

I'm thankful that I can be a source of help and hope, even encouragement in my place of work, but I'm really wearing down. I dread going to work just for the fact of having to deal with more seniors each day and a boss who doesn't want to be involved in the issues. He'll even ask me how I'm holding up. When I tell him honestly about some of these things, he ends the conversation with, "yeah, but, it isn't that bad, right?" and moves onto the next thing. When my personal life is enmeshed with dealing with my mother, her failing health, and the pressures and the weight of responsibility intensifying for my siblings and me, I fear the strain is going to take its toll on me.

Today, when I talked to a woman for over a half an hour who couldn't figure out what insurance she had, how she paid for her prescription drugs, and added, "'my mind just isn't working right today", it seemed like deja vu and the conversation I had with my own mother last night. Several times last night I asked my mother if she understood what I was saying. She gave a vague answer that could be appropriate for almost any question. She knows she is confused which is hard on her, but I don't think she knows just how confused she is.

To top off the day, after receiving constant calls at work today, helping seniors and listening to them, I had a couple of phone messages from friends of my mother's who want to clarify some things and talk through some stuff regarding my mother. My oldest sister also called me today saying that she had received a call from another of Mom's friends who thought we kids just didn't know how bad off Mom is (her husband is a doctor). (Okay, I rolled my eyes on that one!)

Can I just take a moment and have a brief moment of primal scream therapy!!! AARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!

Seeing as I don't want to leave my mother or disregard her in her time of need and comfort, it seems logical that leaving my place of work would do the trick. I am praying that the Lord provides something different, soon, and rescues me out of this situation. I'm afraid that I will totally go over the edge, unable to hold my tongue any further (with either my boss or the clients), or I will end up babbling and drooling, retreating to some safe place inside my head and longing for a padded cell.

And yet I read in scripture this morning, the saints will receive their reward, after "patient endurance."

Hmmm. So exactly how long is "patiently enduring?" Can I be done now Lord?

(Heavy sigh.)

If It's Too Loud, You're Too Old

This week, I was introduced to Guitar Hero. Santa brought the kids the PS2 game along with two "guitar" controllers. Can I just say, this momma is lovin' rock and roll and is jammin' with the likes of Slash! Miss "H" and I were up way too late last night playing as a team, rockin' out, having a great time--although I think she was laughing at me more than with me!

I'm proud to announce that on a individual player level, I'm moving on from the "easy" category and heading into "Medium" difficulty--ready to start using that blue button!

Rock On!

WISHING YOU ALL A JOYOUS CHRISTMAS

And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, "Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this [shall be] a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger." And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. "

And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us. And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger. Luke 2: 7-16

Life in the Sandwich Shop

One of the "messy" things about life at this point in time is that we truly are living the "sandwich" life; we are still caring for and raising our children, while at the same time, caring for and taking care of our parents.

Both of our mothers are widows and have failing health. My mother-in-law is 18 years older than my own mother and has had health issues for the past 10 years. She has had many 'near death' episodes and each time we are convinced that 'this is it'. She amazes me--amazes everyone-- as she readily bounces back and recovers and keeps going. She is, however, getting tired and even last month after the latest hospital stay said she was ready to be done.

My mother, as I've mentioned previously, is fighting cancer. She has been having chemo for the past year and had been responding really well and feeling really good--showing improvement actually. However, in the last two months, she has been declining rapidly, and almost daily we can see changes in her energy and mental status. She commented to me yesterday that she wondered how much longer she would be around at the rate she was deteriorating. We are beginning to wonder if she'll make it to Christmas. (Yeah, that bad...)

What I'm discovering as we live life in this mom "sandwich" is that there is no recipe. The contents may be similar, but a little different. For example, everyone may have cheese on their sandwich, but the difference may be that one is cheddar and the other provolone. So to have a cookie cutter approach to living and dealing with aging parents and their health issues is a little dicey! It truly is figuring things out as you go. When you're working with a factor such as health that can change at any given moment, you have to be prepared for any and all scenarios.

Then there are the condiments (to continue with the sandwich analogy); all the emotions and mental stresses that lace this sandwich. No one tells you about the condiments...other than it is stressful. There are layers of emotions to deal with...not just the obvious emotions of loss, but the emotions of others as they deal with the stress too. We each have continual interaction with our siblings (which can be stressful and emotion-filled), but now, I have received phone calls from my mother's friends, as have my siblings. They are trying to deal with the impending loss of their friend, my mother, and are grasping at straws, or, as has been the recent case, questioning our level of involvement with our mother and insinuating that they care more about her than we do, etc.. We have had some ask if we kids are doing anything to help our mother because she seems like she's getting so sick, so quickly. ('Are we making sure she's eating? Surely she would have more energy if she just ate more. You need to be checking in on her more. She says she hasn't seen you in weeks. ((**Hello!!! I saw her yesterday .... Reminder...mental confusion at work here!!!...she often doesn't remember what she did the day before!!)) But again, it has been recommended by her friends that if she just ate better, she probably would be thinking better....) Okay, that was truly a rant and obvious hot button for me right now...

Feeling like a sandwich is not fun. It isn't easy, yet many do it all the time, every day. We didn't think we would do it...didn't plan on it or want to do it...yet it is what we're called to do out of love, respect and responsibility to our mothers. It is tricky business. Perhaps these honest feelings and thoughts are not the sort of stuff some may think are "appropriate" to share so openly, but this is real life. This is the kind of thing we should be sharing with one another. I share these things not to just rant and rave (although I did just a wee bit), but to give some friendly counsel. While there is still time, talk to your parents. Ask them to get things in order or help them to do so while they are healthy and of sound minds. Talk to them about their plans and their wishes. Be informed about their insurance and their finances--and keep pressing them even if you initially encounter resistance. We really thought we had more time with our Mom and believed her when she said things were taken care of. As it turns out, we're almost too late and have discovered things are not as they should be. Don't put it off...

Such is life in the sandwich shop.

The Love Language of Flowers

I just had to give a quick note on how the Lord has ministered since my last post. I have felt the prayers of many this week as I have had a blanket of peace over me. Circumstances and the messiness of life haven't changed, but I have had an anticipation in the Lord. He has shown me several times this week, in very small, "quiet" ways that he is present and aware of all that is going on.

A particular blessing has been preparing and designing wedding flowers for a special couple whose wedding is Friday night. Of course I knew I would be making bouquets, boutonnieres and corsages, but I had not anticipated how uplifting it would be to my spirit. Not only has creating been nurturing, but I have found it to be a wonderful time of worship.

When I picked up the flowers from the flower market and saw the assortment of colors and textures I was once again overwhelmed with the beauty of God's creation. I never cease to be amazed at the hues, the structure and scent of these wonderful beauties we call flowers. And to think I get to put them together in groupings that will somehow enhance the beauty of a wedding! How great is that?

Last night as I began the long 2 day process of creating, not only was I infused with new found energy, but I found myself caught up in worship, thinking about the Lord, praying and even singing songs to Him, thankful for how intimately he knows me that he would use flowers to minister to me. He truly speaks my love language.