Life in the Sandwich Shop

One of the "messy" things about life at this point in time is that we truly are living the "sandwich" life; we are still caring for and raising our children, while at the same time, caring for and taking care of our parents.

Both of our mothers are widows and have failing health. My mother-in-law is 18 years older than my own mother and has had health issues for the past 10 years. She has had many 'near death' episodes and each time we are convinced that 'this is it'. She amazes me--amazes everyone-- as she readily bounces back and recovers and keeps going. She is, however, getting tired and even last month after the latest hospital stay said she was ready to be done.

My mother, as I've mentioned previously, is fighting cancer. She has been having chemo for the past year and had been responding really well and feeling really good--showing improvement actually. However, in the last two months, she has been declining rapidly, and almost daily we can see changes in her energy and mental status. She commented to me yesterday that she wondered how much longer she would be around at the rate she was deteriorating. We are beginning to wonder if she'll make it to Christmas. (Yeah, that bad...)

What I'm discovering as we live life in this mom "sandwich" is that there is no recipe. The contents may be similar, but a little different. For example, everyone may have cheese on their sandwich, but the difference may be that one is cheddar and the other provolone. So to have a cookie cutter approach to living and dealing with aging parents and their health issues is a little dicey! It truly is figuring things out as you go. When you're working with a factor such as health that can change at any given moment, you have to be prepared for any and all scenarios.

Then there are the condiments (to continue with the sandwich analogy); all the emotions and mental stresses that lace this sandwich. No one tells you about the condiments...other than it is stressful. There are layers of emotions to deal with...not just the obvious emotions of loss, but the emotions of others as they deal with the stress too. We each have continual interaction with our siblings (which can be stressful and emotion-filled), but now, I have received phone calls from my mother's friends, as have my siblings. They are trying to deal with the impending loss of their friend, my mother, and are grasping at straws, or, as has been the recent case, questioning our level of involvement with our mother and insinuating that they care more about her than we do, etc.. We have had some ask if we kids are doing anything to help our mother because she seems like she's getting so sick, so quickly. ('Are we making sure she's eating? Surely she would have more energy if she just ate more. You need to be checking in on her more. She says she hasn't seen you in weeks. ((**Hello!!! I saw her yesterday .... Reminder...mental confusion at work here!!!...she often doesn't remember what she did the day before!!)) But again, it has been recommended by her friends that if she just ate better, she probably would be thinking better....) Okay, that was truly a rant and obvious hot button for me right now...

Feeling like a sandwich is not fun. It isn't easy, yet many do it all the time, every day. We didn't think we would do it...didn't plan on it or want to do it...yet it is what we're called to do out of love, respect and responsibility to our mothers. It is tricky business. Perhaps these honest feelings and thoughts are not the sort of stuff some may think are "appropriate" to share so openly, but this is real life. This is the kind of thing we should be sharing with one another. I share these things not to just rant and rave (although I did just a wee bit), but to give some friendly counsel. While there is still time, talk to your parents. Ask them to get things in order or help them to do so while they are healthy and of sound minds. Talk to them about their plans and their wishes. Be informed about their insurance and their finances--and keep pressing them even if you initially encounter resistance. We really thought we had more time with our Mom and believed her when she said things were taken care of. As it turns out, we're almost too late and have discovered things are not as they should be. Don't put it off...

Such is life in the sandwich shop.