Examining My Life Map

I am amazed, on a daily basis, at God's very presence in my life. I don't know why I am so thick headed, or dull that I can't grasp this reality consistently, but I am so thankful that He reminds me and makes His presence known.

Many months ago my blog consisted of thoughts about this transitional phase of life I'm in and everything that comes with it; and today I'm still pondering these things. I know I'm not alone and that actually, I'm pretty "normal" I suppose. I wouldn't call this a "crisis". It isn't. I don't feel that I'm in damage-control mode, but rather more of a 'navigational-ly challenged' mode as I head into uncharted waters.

Looking back, I had hopes and desires, and made plans. By God's grace I was able to do those things that I had wanted to do: I went to college, got married, had children and chose to stay home and forego any kind of working career to do that. I trusted the kids would grow up and then __________________ . Hm, hadn't thought about this part.

Perhaps somewhere in my thinking years ago when I was making my life plans, I had the notion that since I would be in my 'later 4o's' when my kids started to leave the nest I would decide that continuing to stay at home would be satisfactory; or I'd have some kind of hobby that would engulf me, or perhaps I had the audacity to think that 40-something was "old" and I wouldn't really have the energy or desire to do much of anything else. I don't know. But somehow, this part of life was not mapped out in my brain. And so here I am today, in a quandary.

Knowing that after this year, half of my children will be out of high school and another 4 years after that the other half will be out, I feel this urgency to 'get it together' and figure out what I want to be when I grow up...or at least when my kids grow up. But reality is, if viewed throught the secular eye, there aren't a lot of options out there for a later 40's, stay-at-home mom, part-time, Jill-of-all-trades-master-of-none-type woman to do.

I wouldn't trade these many years of being able to stay home with my kids for anything. I know that it has been a wonderful investment, and far more fulfilling than having a career, or some other kind of time-investment would have been. But there is an angst; a longing deep inside, almost an excitement as I'm embracing the reality of this new phase. I want to work, I want to be involved in a ministry of some kind, I want to be making a difference in the world around me. I'm realizing that now is the time in my life that I really have time and energy to give to something else. My energy level is so much more than when I had small children. (I was physically exhausted for at least 10 years of my life!) But there is another side to this coin. Along with maturity in age, I also have a greater appreciation or acknowledgement that, because of prior choices, I am not a real market-able person in the work place so my options are very limited. Even in ministry, I'm not one of the younger, "happening" people, but rather viewed as one of the older women now. (When did that happen??)

And so, this brings me to the question or questions that I've been pondering a lot these days. Believing that the life I live is bigger than what I see with my eyes, bigger than what the world says, but rather a truly spiritual, redeemed life, I find myself asking, "What Lord--what am I to do with this part of my life? What do YOU want to do with my life? What do I do with this desire and drive you've placed there? How can you work these together to serve you?"

I know inside of me there is a bit of doubt and fear that somehow I will miss what He's trying to teach me, or I'll miss the opportunity, or the call, or something. I may be an intuitive, perceptive person on one level, but on another level, I can be totally obtuse and sometimes look right past the obvious. In the back of my mind I've been battling the 'what-if-I-miss-it' self-talk. Honestly, times like this are when I wish for that postcard from Heaven that says, "Okay, Cheryl, this is what you will be doing; go first to point A, then B, and so on. But we all know, that faith doesn't work this way. Faith is about what we don't see, what we don't know, but trusting the One who does.

So, the Lord continues to build my faith; and this is where I get goose bumps. This very week, the Lord has been speaking directly to me about this process through scripture. Daily He has shown me His truth that speaks to my spirit and addresses me, right where I am, at this moment on my time line.

I'd like to share a few of the passgaes He showed me this week, and in turn I hope it will be an encouragement to you as well:

Isaiah 30:21: Whether you turn ot the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

Isaiah 32:6: He will be the sure foundation for your times, a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge...The fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure.

Isaiah 41:9,10: I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my Servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you, so do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isn't God good? I have had such peace this week as I rest in his Word and promises. He hasn't forgotten me; He is mindful of me and reassures me that He is at work, even today. My rest comes from abiding in Him and not in the circumstances of my life. He is more than able to figure out what the next chapter of my life is...I don't have to "worry"or be fearful about it.--or even worry that I'll miss it because I wasn't paying attention. If I'm looking to Him, having reverence for Him and seeking after Him only, I will fall in step with what He is doing and what He wants to do in me and through me.

This "transitional phase of life" is only transitional to me, not to the Lord. To Him, this is just the next step on the path of where He is leading, which gives me hope and even more excitement of what is yet to be. I'm so thankful for His revelation of that truth to me this week.