Real Life / Real Mess

I know-- my self-imposed "taking a break" from blogging has lasted less than a week as I sit here writing another post. I woke up with many things on my brain this morning, deciding that perhaps "making" myself blog is exactly what I needed to do.

Blogging is one of those weird things in life. I mean, really, isn't blogging in and of itself a little weird; open journaling for the world to see, sharing and posting thoughts, feelings and revelations out into cyber space? Yet, there is a draw to do so. Talk to any blogger and they'll tell you so. It may be sporadic, it may be scheduled, but whatever it is it is a ....calling. Maybe blogging comes from a deep seated need for validation? (No, it takes one negative comment to pop that bubble real quick!) ...maybe a need for affirmation or an occasional response that affirms the blogger is on the right track? I don't know...but here I am again...blogging.

What urged me to blog today was the Lord. (I know, many of you may have rolled your eyes at that moment as a reaction to spiritualizing blogging!) But really, I was reminded in my spirit of something the Lord had placed on me over a year ago when I started this blog. I need to share my life with others, and the work the Lord is doing in it. Even the heading of my blog reflects this: "Ponderings: Thoughts about living real life as a real follower of Jesus....and other things to ponder."

Years ago I felt the call on my life to be a "real" Believer. This probably was developed by growing up in a very conservative church, filled with Believers who worked hard at looking like perfect Christians on the outside, yet pretty shallow and empty on the inside. Legalism (Christianity is more about "dos" and "don'ts" than relationship and freedom) was something I was taught early on, although never overtly and never with this title. This was a generation of church people who were teaching what they had been taught, living how they had been told to live. I never developed a dislike for these people or my church, but rather through the years, compassion has taken root for these dear ones that were deceived into thinking that if they were Believers, their lives should look pretty good, they should look good, everything about them should look "good" and put together. I have felt so sad for them that they had missed out on what the fullness of grace has to offer.

This "calling" on my life comes from dealing with my own messiness of life and catching a glimpse of the fullness of God's grace. I know I haven't reached the boundaries of that grace yet--but if anything, that is what drives me further to 'hang on' and keep pushing forward. I want to finish strong and drink of the Lord more deeply, know Him more intimately, experience Him more fully.

Personally, when life gets heavy and I am feeling hard-pressed, I begin to withdraw. I know part of it is my self-protect mode; the less contact I have with others, the less chance for unwanted "counsel" or input or uneducated remark. But even more than that, being a relational-type person, I find that it takes enormous amounts of energy to be engaged with others. My brain doesn't just shut off or go into auto pilot. My spiritual gifting is mercy and encouragemet so the very fiber of my being is focused on others and what their needs are. Is there anything I can do for them? What do I need to be praying for them, etc. It can be very draining especially when I am already drained from the circumstances of my own life and needing my own well to be filled.

So why am I sharing this with you? Because I am in withdrawal mode. I want to build a cocoon around myself and just hunker down. I find it increasingly more difficult to go to church weekly as I feel "alone" when I'm there. I have withdrawn myself from a creative group because I don't have the energy or creativity to do that right now; because of my work schedule, I withdrew from a women's group a few years ago and have never replaced that with any other kind of "group". I don't have any other outside interests or activities right now because realistically there aren't enough hours in the day, nor do I have energy to do that. I'm mentally, emotionally and spiritually fatigued.

I see my "withdrawal" happening. My first reaction is to self-intervene and work at not breaking ties with others, yet, I find myself asking if this really isn't necessary? Perhaps this really is an appointed time with the Lord. Isolation is often thought of as an "unhealthy" alternative, yet at the same time, reserving energy and being alone with the Lord, turning to Him and having intense alone time with Him IS good, it IS desirable. It is Biblical. And this is what my heart is feeling...is being drawn to. Time alone, with the Lord, without all the "noises" from the world.

However, going back to what is one of the callings placed on my life, I understand the need to be "real" about life and share that openly. I know that anything in the Lord's hands can be used. I know that we are responsible to do what He has called us to, even when we don't understand it. I know that we learn the lessons in the process not in the outcome, and so, here I am sharing life.

So, here's a news flash for you...my life is a mess. I'm a mess. But this is the "real life" that God has allowed me to live in. This is the life He has for me. (Before anyone goes there...let me just state for the record, this "mess" is not self-imposed. I would be the first one to get the plank out of my eye.) This is real-life mess in almost every area of life that when faced with it, every fiber of one's being says "get me outta here", but God says, "I'm here to walk through it with you. Will you trust me?" This is the kind of mess that makes it fully understandable why people turn to vices or how one becomes an addict. Looking for that escape is so easy, but hunkering down, looking only to the Lord and putting one step in front of the other is hard work. Draining work.

Last night I went to church and several asked the courteous, "How are you?" I think a couple asked out of habit and obligation, but another asked because they cared. However, to all I responded, "Fine." This was more for their sake than mine. Why burden someone else with this mess? And besides, some of the "messiness" is very personal relationship-oriented stuff not okay to talk about with someone outside of my family, or another issue has potential major ramifications outside of my family and I can only discuss this with a select few, or in other areas of mess, there are just too many details to give if there is to be any kind of real understanding. So, "fine" works.

I will say there are blessings in the midst of the messes of life. I'm so thankful the Lord gives these grace gifts to keep me going. As recently as the last two weeks, our oldest son moved back home. I know, many of you didn't know he hadn't been living at home! Well, he's back and is working with his dad this peak season as his "helper" at UPS. Having "A" home again introduces a new collection of stresses, but ultimately, it is a good thing as we see him continually make better life choices and an increasing desire to follow the Lord.

My mother's health and mental faculties are diminishing quickly as she seems to be losing her battle against cancer. Just in the last month and a half we have seen her go from someone with a sharp mind and enough physical strength to go on outings, to someone who has real bouts of confusion and nonsensical talk, and increasing weakness. (The oncologist told her and us that this may happen as her liver function declines.) Being pushed about in a wheel chair at the mall for 2 hours last weekend proved to be too much for her as she barely had strength to walk a few feet to the car.

Oh, yeah, the praise part! Yesterday, the Lord arranged a time for my 3 siblings and myself to get together with mom. We openly and honestly talked about everything with Mom. We discussed her burial wishes, her memorial service, finances, located her important papers and divided up tasks between the 4 of us children. The amazing thing was that the presence of God was obvious. This is not easy, "fun" stuff to deal with, yet everyone was 'in the zone' and able to discuss things without being clouded by emotions. There was a peace present that you know can only come from the Lord. Even for Mom, she was peaceful, mentally "present" and able to really share her feelings. I'm so thankful for this divinely appointed time. We will all be taking on some more responsibilities concerning Mom, but we are all in agreement and closer than before. God is so good to meet us in the valley of the shadow of death.

I may withdraw for a time, but only because life is much more active and hectic than usual. I need to reserve my strength and walk closer with the Lord and not become distracted by outside noise. I may say "fine" when asked how I'm doing, but I'm not. This is an intense time. I'm in a whirlpool of emotions and stresses. I feel like I'm climbing a mountain that doesn't seem to have a summit. I'm clinging to the Lord, pleading with Him for an escape, yet I hear Him whisper to me, "No, I'm going to walk with you through this; and because I love you so much, I want to refine you more."

So, these are my ponderings about life. My real life as a real follower of Jesus. A real life filled with mess.