This past Friday, my sister and I made a visit to the funeral home. We jokingly referred to this impending appointment as a "field trip". Of course we knew it would be nothing like the wonderfully anticipated field trips we took in grade school, but rather, we were finding some enjoyment in the sarcasm of the label.
My sister "J" and I were the only ones able to go on this field trip since my other sister and my brother were both sick with the flu this past week. J and I were given full permission to do what we thought was best and make any decisions necessary. As a side note, I have to say that it has been such a blessing that all of us siblings are right in step with one another. We all are pretty like-minded and approach things very similarly, so there haven't really been any disagreements, or head-butting to this point. At a time when things are so emotionally charged, it is really an act of grace that, if anything, we are all closer.
J and I met at the Little Chapel of the Chimes, with "Mike". It was odd going to a funeral home not for the sake of attending a funeral. While it was a welcomed change, I still had that heaviness and feeling of dread as I crossed over the threshold.
The Lord was again so present during our 2-1/2 hour meeting, bringing a real peace and calmness. We were able to talk candidly about pretty much everything, asking awkward questions about "how", "what if" and "what about." Mike put us right at ease and we felt comfortable to ask any and every question. From time to time during our meeting, my sister or I would announce, "well, here we are!" making an attempt to really connect with what we were doing. It was a very surreal situation. We made some arrangements, decided on a some specifics and had a good sense of how things will be handled when hospice calls them.
My stomach did flip flops as we entered the casket room to pick one out for our mother. It was at this point that I began to fight back the emotion of it all. "How can this really be?" Thankfully we didn't have to linger long as my sister and I both went directly to a lovely blue model that made us think of our mom. We knew our other sister and brother would approve as well.
Our parting gifts from this field trip were a folder filled with pamphlets, checklists, prices, and 'things to consider'; and a large canvas bag that contained a garment bag and a couple of other smaller bags for jewelry, special momentos, and so forth, that we will fill and bring to the funeral home when we are needing their services.
Walking out of the funeral home we felt exhausted and depleted, yet comforted and assured. We appreciated Mike's willingness to walk us through this process and answer every question, no matter how tacky it might have been. He truly is gifted at what he does, and his compassion for grieving families is evident. Very much like the support we are receiving from hospice, we now feel supported by the other entity that will be very much apart of this journey.
After our field trip, my sister and I consoled ourselves by going out to lunch, knowing we had faced a giant that had been looming large over the path. All in all, it was a "good" and necessary field trip, but not one that I'd like to do again any time soon.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
A Joyful Post
I know my previous post (Early Morning Ponderings) was a bit on the doom and gloom side of things, albeit truthful and honest. Just part of the journey...
Today's post is truthful and honest, and on the bright and up-beat side of things. Again...part of the journey.
I just had to share with you another of those Warm-Gloves In My Pocket moments. I had awakened yesterday feeling especially low and lacking energy. "Coincidentally" my devotional time yesterday morning was Psalm 23. As I read the Psalm, I tried to read it with fresh eyes, not just reciting it from memory as one of the first Psalms I had learned as a child. Not feeling especially cared for or protected or nourished yesterday, I prayed through the verses in faith, asking the Lord to make these things true in my life; to help me see and know the truth of these words, to give me a new, deeper understanding in ways I haven't even known before. Not the surface stuff...give me the real, deep stuff.
It started with a few very encouraging things at work. It was a "good" day in the office and at one point my boss and I were even laughing, sharing a funny moment! I knew it wasn't anything I had generated, but rather, God moved and was at work in my employer (and me) and the circumstances to bring things to that point.
I have been praying for a bit of a respite, at least in my spirit, from the heaviness of life right now. While the circumstances aren't changing, but rather getting more intense, I really see the need for a little levity on a daily basis. Yesterday, the Lord gave me a light heart. It felt supernatural. I don't know how to say it other than that. As the day progressed, I found myself laughing more and more and having more opportunities for it, like I did with my employer. I had one of the best laughs when I was in contact with my mother's dial-up Internet provider last night. I was attempting to cancel her service as she no longer uses her computer. I'm warning you, this may sound really tacky, or even on the side of irreverent, but after going 'round and 'round with "Kamran" from who-knows-where", offering me every other option rather than complying with my request for cancellation, I pulled out the ol' "she-has-terminal-cancer-and-will-not-be-emailing-anyone" card. After a long pause on his end, he responded with, "I'll cancel the service immediately and here is your confirmation #." I'll tell you, if ever you need to get something done quickly, no questions asked..... well, let me just say it gets results!
But wait! That's not all. God still has more! You may recall a few posts back, as an addendum to Lesson of the Week , my inquiry regarding a treadmill and use of one for a few months. I didn't get any responses from the post, and even wondered if I should have been so bold as to put it out there. My husband "R" knew of my request, but hadn't said anything to anyone. In fact, he had asked me several days ago if I had heard anything regarding that. It seemed like a "no deal" kind of situation. I'll admit, I had even asked the Lord if it was "okay" for me to ask for a treadmill, or was he perhaps letting me know that I will need to work off these extra stress-eating related pounds in another way?
In the midst of my processing, you can imagine my surprise when "R" announced to me "Guess what? You're going to get a treadmill!" Of course I asked him for details, wondering how, and so forth. "R" relayed the story of a casual conversation he had with a fellow worker a few days earlier. The man--I'll call him Joe-- shared with R that his wife had been ill for quite sometime, and also said something about his son moving things into their house, or storing them there, or something, but generally, Joe was just sharing about life and all the many things going on. Joe suddenly stopped and asked my husband if we would have any need or use of a treadmill for a while due to the fact that they just don't have room for it at this time and since it was given to them, 'it seems a shame to have it just sitting there.' My husband was floored and so excited. He proceeded to tell his co-worker what an answer to prayer it was and the back-story to it all. Of course, it was a double blessing as this man was thrilled to know he was moved into action by the Lord. They will want it back at some point, but, for a few months, we'll get to use it and take care of it. Can you believe it!?!
And finally, to top off the day yesterday, my son received word that his friend "J" (mentioned in my previous post) suddenly woke up from his coma last night and was able to carry on conversations with his family. He seems fine, but will of course undergo tests, etc. Praise God for answering prayers and for reviving this young man. We need to be praying that "J" will come to know the Lord and that through this, his family will too if they don't already know Him.
The underlying lesson in all of these examples is that the Lord, my shepherd, is the one who had made things happen, or moved people (me included), or provided opportunities. It isn't because of anything I did, or tried to generate. It was all Him. He did it because that's what He does.
Thank you Lord for answering prayers and opening my eyes; for helping me to understand on a deeper level. Thank you for being my shepherd. I shall not want.
Today's post is truthful and honest, and on the bright and up-beat side of things. Again...part of the journey.
I just had to share with you another of those Warm-Gloves In My Pocket moments. I had awakened yesterday feeling especially low and lacking energy. "Coincidentally" my devotional time yesterday morning was Psalm 23. As I read the Psalm, I tried to read it with fresh eyes, not just reciting it from memory as one of the first Psalms I had learned as a child. Not feeling especially cared for or protected or nourished yesterday, I prayed through the verses in faith, asking the Lord to make these things true in my life; to help me see and know the truth of these words, to give me a new, deeper understanding in ways I haven't even known before. Not the surface stuff...give me the real, deep stuff.
It started with a few very encouraging things at work. It was a "good" day in the office and at one point my boss and I were even laughing, sharing a funny moment! I knew it wasn't anything I had generated, but rather, God moved and was at work in my employer (and me) and the circumstances to bring things to that point.
I have been praying for a bit of a respite, at least in my spirit, from the heaviness of life right now. While the circumstances aren't changing, but rather getting more intense, I really see the need for a little levity on a daily basis. Yesterday, the Lord gave me a light heart. It felt supernatural. I don't know how to say it other than that. As the day progressed, I found myself laughing more and more and having more opportunities for it, like I did with my employer. I had one of the best laughs when I was in contact with my mother's dial-up Internet provider last night. I was attempting to cancel her service as she no longer uses her computer. I'm warning you, this may sound really tacky, or even on the side of irreverent, but after going 'round and 'round with "Kamran" from who-knows-where", offering me every other option rather than complying with my request for cancellation, I pulled out the ol' "she-has-terminal-cancer-and-will-not-be-emailing-anyone" card. After a long pause on his end, he responded with, "I'll cancel the service immediately and here is your confirmation #." I'll tell you, if ever you need to get something done quickly, no questions asked..... well, let me just say it gets results!
But wait! That's not all. God still has more! You may recall a few posts back, as an addendum to Lesson of the Week , my inquiry regarding a treadmill and use of one for a few months. I didn't get any responses from the post, and even wondered if I should have been so bold as to put it out there. My husband "R" knew of my request, but hadn't said anything to anyone. In fact, he had asked me several days ago if I had heard anything regarding that. It seemed like a "no deal" kind of situation. I'll admit, I had even asked the Lord if it was "okay" for me to ask for a treadmill, or was he perhaps letting me know that I will need to work off these extra stress-eating related pounds in another way?
In the midst of my processing, you can imagine my surprise when "R" announced to me "Guess what? You're going to get a treadmill!" Of course I asked him for details, wondering how, and so forth. "R" relayed the story of a casual conversation he had with a fellow worker a few days earlier. The man--I'll call him Joe-- shared with R that his wife had been ill for quite sometime, and also said something about his son moving things into their house, or storing them there, or something, but generally, Joe was just sharing about life and all the many things going on. Joe suddenly stopped and asked my husband if we would have any need or use of a treadmill for a while due to the fact that they just don't have room for it at this time and since it was given to them, 'it seems a shame to have it just sitting there.' My husband was floored and so excited. He proceeded to tell his co-worker what an answer to prayer it was and the back-story to it all. Of course, it was a double blessing as this man was thrilled to know he was moved into action by the Lord. They will want it back at some point, but, for a few months, we'll get to use it and take care of it. Can you believe it!?!
And finally, to top off the day yesterday, my son received word that his friend "J" (mentioned in my previous post) suddenly woke up from his coma last night and was able to carry on conversations with his family. He seems fine, but will of course undergo tests, etc. Praise God for answering prayers and for reviving this young man. We need to be praying that "J" will come to know the Lord and that through this, his family will too if they don't already know Him.
The underlying lesson in all of these examples is that the Lord, my shepherd, is the one who had made things happen, or moved people (me included), or provided opportunities. It isn't because of anything I did, or tried to generate. It was all Him. He did it because that's what He does.
Thank you Lord for answering prayers and opening my eyes; for helping me to understand on a deeper level. Thank you for being my shepherd. I shall not want.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Do the Hokey Pokey
Saw this on a sign in front of a business today and had a good laugh:
What if the Hokey Pokey really is "what it's all about?"
Now, there's something to ponder!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Family Gifts
With all the winding and turnings of this journey, it has been common to find little surprises and joys nestled in the nooks and crannies on this path. These are little love gifts from the Lord. Clearly, it seems this is His way of reminding us that He is very present and very near as he makes this journey with us.
On Monday my cousins, the "B's", made a special trip from California to come see Mom. Their mother, Helen, was my mom's sister. Aunt Helen died a year ago, as did their father, Tom, within 5 weeks of each other. It was an extremely difficult time. We were able to see the "B's" last year at this time, as they brought their parents, who were native Oregonians, up here to be buried with other family members. My own little family was also able to see a few of them during our recent October vacation to California.
When I sent an email to these cousins updating them on Mom's health a week ago, I mentioned to them that one of mom's last wishes was to see her nephews again. By day's end, each of them had contacted me to let me know they were all able to fly up on Monday to see her! Within 24 hours, airline tickets were bought and a surprise for Mom was set in motion.
So, this last MLK, Jr. day, Mom was so pleased, and absolutely beaming, to be seeing her nephews in person. Although very fatigued, she hung in there and visited for the 6 hours they were here. We laughed, shared stories, and even got tears in our eyes from time to time. My cousins were able to say their good-byes and we were able to connect even more, making further plans for all of us to make a Thanksgiving trip to southern California. It was such a special day.
What a sweet gift that these dear nephews gave to their aunt; and such a comfort and joy these California cousins brought to their cousins in Oregon. We all were truly blessed.
On Monday my cousins, the "B's", made a special trip from California to come see Mom. Their mother, Helen, was my mom's sister. Aunt Helen died a year ago, as did their father, Tom, within 5 weeks of each other. It was an extremely difficult time. We were able to see the "B's" last year at this time, as they brought their parents, who were native Oregonians, up here to be buried with other family members. My own little family was also able to see a few of them during our recent October vacation to California.
When I sent an email to these cousins updating them on Mom's health a week ago, I mentioned to them that one of mom's last wishes was to see her nephews again. By day's end, each of them had contacted me to let me know they were all able to fly up on Monday to see her! Within 24 hours, airline tickets were bought and a surprise for Mom was set in motion.
So, this last MLK, Jr. day, Mom was so pleased, and absolutely beaming, to be seeing her nephews in person. Although very fatigued, she hung in there and visited for the 6 hours they were here. We laughed, shared stories, and even got tears in our eyes from time to time. My cousins were able to say their good-byes and we were able to connect even more, making further plans for all of us to make a Thanksgiving trip to southern California. It was such a special day.
What a sweet gift that these dear nephews gave to their aunt; and such a comfort and joy these California cousins brought to their cousins in Oregon. We all were truly blessed.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Lesson of the Week
I received an email from a dear friend who has previously traveled this path with her own mother. She put it well, and I knew she totally understood, when she referred to all of this as "strange". It is strange. Hospice, the process of dying, preparations--all of it--strange. A part of me is curious about it all. How does this work, what happens, what do we need to be thinking about, etc. Part of me is overwhelmed with sadness at times. But the goal these days is to stay even keeled. Since we don't know how long this path is, to expend full emotion every single day would mean....well, I'd be a lump of nothingness and of no use to anyone. No--metering out the physical and emotional energy, and having boundaries to keep everyone's sanity in tact is the lesson of this week.
Earlier in my life, I was a person with bad boundaries...or lack of them. I thought I was being a selfish, unkind, uncaring person -- even a bad Christian--if I had boundaries or didn't try to help everyone whenever they needed attention or help. It wasn't until after having children and a patch of rocky road in my marriage that I learned about having good boundaries--even with my children and my husband. Having good boundaries is one of the greatest gifts I can give to others as it truly allows me to have more to give in the long run.
Having boundaries certainly can be uncomfortable--for the other person. In my present day scenario, the need for boundaries has been evident as the inbox for my email continues to grow with notes from Mom's friends, Mom's church family, and distant relatives, all writing to share their thoughts, sorrow and, yes, needs, as they grieve. So many of them need to see Mom to say their goodbyes; so many need to feel like they're being helpful or useful, or involved in some way, so many need to be the ones "in the know" and the sharers of information. (These are the prime boundary crashers. ) Don't hear or read me wrong; I TOTALLY understand their desire to be close to mom and our family, to give help and aide and convey their love to all of us. I get that. I'm not a cold hearted person. No, what I'm talking about are those that, in their own grief, make this about themselves, letting us know what they need to help themselves cope with the grief, or keep them in denial, or whatever. There are those that see their own needs outweighing the spoken needs of the family--of mom--which often leads to boundary crashing.
In the old days, I would have felt or thought that somehow I needed to help theses friends and take care of each of these people to help ease their pain (I know... unhealthy, huh?). But today, I know that this isn't my job. My job is to be present for Mom, to be a buffer around her and focused on what she needs. My job, our job, is to have good boundaries so that Mom will feel taken care of, so that we will still have the emotional and physical ability to function and do what is needed, and also, so that God can be God and we don't interfere with what He is doing in the lives of those around us. If I step in, trying to comfort or meet all those other people's perceived needs, where does that leave them in regard to their need to be turning to the Lord to fill those holes? Perhaps if I were to jump into action I would short circuit the spiritual work of someone else who is called to minister to those friends at this time. These are the things, and people, I have to surrender to the Lord and ask Him to take care of. They are not my job or responsibility, or what the Lord has called me to right now. And for that very reason, I have to know what my boundaries are, for my own sake as well, so I don't get in the way of what the Lord has in motion; so I'm obedient to what He's called me to; so I don't become presumptuous in thinking I know what work He's doing in someone else's life. I need to stay focused on Him, not distracted by commotion outside the boundaries.
Boundaries: working on reinforcing them, making sure they stay flexible, willing to readjust them as needed, and working at having a gracious response for those that just don't see them or care they're in place. This is not only a "strange" path these days, but one that is producing good growth as well to emotional health and wholeness.
**************************************************
ADDENDUM: Along with maintaining good emotional health, I'm really seeing the need, or feeling the need, to physically take care of myself by incorporating some regular exercise back into my everyday life to help deal with the stress of everything. I've been doing way too much comfort eating and the pounds are creeping back on, and my sleep has not been all that great either. I'm wondering if anyone local might have a treadmill that I could borrow for awhile. Walking has always been a great stress-reliever for me, but I have to admit I'm a fair weather walker. And currently with the fullness of everyday, finding a regular time to do it is difficult. So, if your treadmill is currently functioning as a clothing rack and you wouldn't mind lending it for a few months, I would guarantee lots of TLC , and be forever grateful for your generosity at this time. Thanks!
Earlier in my life, I was a person with bad boundaries...or lack of them. I thought I was being a selfish, unkind, uncaring person -- even a bad Christian--if I had boundaries or didn't try to help everyone whenever they needed attention or help. It wasn't until after having children and a patch of rocky road in my marriage that I learned about having good boundaries--even with my children and my husband. Having good boundaries is one of the greatest gifts I can give to others as it truly allows me to have more to give in the long run.
Having boundaries certainly can be uncomfortable--for the other person. In my present day scenario, the need for boundaries has been evident as the inbox for my email continues to grow with notes from Mom's friends, Mom's church family, and distant relatives, all writing to share their thoughts, sorrow and, yes, needs, as they grieve. So many of them need to see Mom to say their goodbyes; so many need to feel like they're being helpful or useful, or involved in some way, so many need to be the ones "in the know" and the sharers of information. (These are the prime boundary crashers. ) Don't hear or read me wrong; I TOTALLY understand their desire to be close to mom and our family, to give help and aide and convey their love to all of us. I get that. I'm not a cold hearted person. No, what I'm talking about are those that, in their own grief, make this about themselves, letting us know what they need to help themselves cope with the grief, or keep them in denial, or whatever. There are those that see their own needs outweighing the spoken needs of the family--of mom--which often leads to boundary crashing.
In the old days, I would have felt or thought that somehow I needed to help theses friends and take care of each of these people to help ease their pain (I know... unhealthy, huh?). But today, I know that this isn't my job. My job is to be present for Mom, to be a buffer around her and focused on what she needs. My job, our job, is to have good boundaries so that Mom will feel taken care of, so that we will still have the emotional and physical ability to function and do what is needed, and also, so that God can be God and we don't interfere with what He is doing in the lives of those around us. If I step in, trying to comfort or meet all those other people's perceived needs, where does that leave them in regard to their need to be turning to the Lord to fill those holes? Perhaps if I were to jump into action I would short circuit the spiritual work of someone else who is called to minister to those friends at this time. These are the things, and people, I have to surrender to the Lord and ask Him to take care of. They are not my job or responsibility, or what the Lord has called me to right now. And for that very reason, I have to know what my boundaries are, for my own sake as well, so I don't get in the way of what the Lord has in motion; so I'm obedient to what He's called me to; so I don't become presumptuous in thinking I know what work He's doing in someone else's life. I need to stay focused on Him, not distracted by commotion outside the boundaries.
Boundaries: working on reinforcing them, making sure they stay flexible, willing to readjust them as needed, and working at having a gracious response for those that just don't see them or care they're in place. This is not only a "strange" path these days, but one that is producing good growth as well to emotional health and wholeness.
**************************************************
ADDENDUM: Along with maintaining good emotional health, I'm really seeing the need, or feeling the need, to physically take care of myself by incorporating some regular exercise back into my everyday life to help deal with the stress of everything. I've been doing way too much comfort eating and the pounds are creeping back on, and my sleep has not been all that great either. I'm wondering if anyone local might have a treadmill that I could borrow for awhile. Walking has always been a great stress-reliever for me, but I have to admit I'm a fair weather walker. And currently with the fullness of everyday, finding a regular time to do it is difficult. So, if your treadmill is currently functioning as a clothing rack and you wouldn't mind lending it for a few months, I would guarantee lots of TLC , and be forever grateful for your generosity at this time. Thanks!
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Hospice
Today we meet with the hospice people. I had heard this term, "hospice" throughout my life, and always it has been connected with someone in the last stages of cancer, preparing to die. These were the people called in to help and support the family and patient as they near the end. And here we are. This is why we are meeting with hospice today.
It has been a bit of a surreal week. I took my mother to her oncologist appointment on Tuesday. Rather than re-write it all, I've attached the note that we sent out to her friends and other extended family members.
It has been a bit of a surreal week. I took my mother to her oncologist appointment on Tuesday. Rather than re-write it all, I've attached the note that we sent out to her friends and other extended family members.
As you know, Mom's health has been declining steadily, but more noticeably and at a much more rapid rate since October/November. She has had increasing mental confusion, jaundice and increasing weakness and fatigue. As we suspected, and have had confirmed by her oncologist, these are all symptoms of failing liver function due to her cancer.
Today Mom saw her oncologist. In preparation, we had been covering this appointment in prayer and the Lord was so faithful, as He has continued to be through every step of this journey. We have been praying for very direct guidance from the Lord and answers to many questions that not only we have had, but that you have had as well.
One of the greatest blessings of this meeting was how it affected Mom. The first praise is that she was very mentally "present" and seemed to be engaged and understand everything the doctor was saying and discussing. There was such an overwhelming absence of fear or anxiety on Mom's part, but rather a definite presence of peace and even visible relief. As you know, Mom has really disliked going to chemo, or even the doctor for that matter, so being given the word that she didn't have to do chemo anymore was a huge joy to her. Really, she smiled and told that doctor that she was so pleased! Secondly, she felt a huge weight had been lifted having her doctor concur with her primary care physician, that she could be in control of how she wanted to do things from here on out. She so doesn't want to let anyone down, or disregard any one's input because she knows everyone cares about her and only wants the best for her, but she was needing to have permission to have control of her health and spend these last days as she wants. As she put it, she feels "let out of school" and is enjoying the idea that she can do whatever she wants.
Dr. O, her oncologist, confirmed that Mom's chemotherapy is no longer being of any help and that it is time to consider "quality" of life and how she chooses to spend the time she has left. Without hesitation, she confirmed that Mom is dying and will not recover from this. There are no other treatment options for Mom, and even if there were, she is so weak, she couldn't handle them. The doctor said, based on observation, lab work, symptoms, etc., she feels Mom has a relatively short time left, and posed the possibility of maybe 2 months--maybe more, maybe less. At any rate, she said now is the time for Mom to not leave anything undone, and do anything she still wants to do.
Dr. O let Mom know that at this point, it is important we begin work with hospice. She (the doctor) had them call me immediately after the office visit to arrange a meeting with Mom and us kids. A meeting is set for this weekend with them. At that time, we will continue to discuss Mom's wishes, confirm some plans that we've been discussing and firm up some arrangements that we have been discussing for the past month with Mom. This is a true answer to prayer for us as we continue caring for Mom.
When I left mom today, she was in really good spirits, better than I've seen in weeks. She feels at peace about dying, feels like all anxiety and stress is gone (because she doesn't have to go to the doctor anymore, or have chemo or even take any medication for that matter) and she feels free to leave her family and friends and go to Heaven when Jesus calls her. She really doesn't feel that there is anything holding her here and would much rather be healthy and whole in Heaven, then sick and unable to do anything here in this life. We sure can't blame her. We've assured her that we will all be fine, as will her grand kids and that before too long, we'll be joining her too!
It does our heart good to see her at this place as I know it will be encouraging to you, although hard at the thought of losing a friend. We know all of us will have to go through the grieving process as we will all miss her deeply.
So here we are preparing for the meeting with the social worker and nurse. It just seems odd. This process is an odd process. On one level there are so many details and business matters to take care of, with a "to do" list of items that seems to be growing, that it is easy to disconnect emotions and approach things very much like a project with items to complete.
On another level, are the wide range of emotions; emotions of seeing mom decline, not recognizing this frail and thin woman, really not familiar with this person as she is not someone I've known before. She doesn't seem to be the same woman who gave birth to me, who I argued with during my teens years, or the singer/actress I knew at one time, but rather some woman who looks a little familiar, sounds familiar, yet isn't the woman I've known all these years. Never looking her age, she now looks well beyond her 70 years, looks like a little old woman and reminds me of my grandmother.
Another layer of emotions to be reckoned with are those that are associated with the expressions of loss that others share with us. As I talk with Mom's friends and other extended family members, it becomes more real. Don't get me wrong, we (we kids) are not in denial; if anything I think we are more in touch with reality than her friends because we're closer to the situation. No, what gets to me is that "thing" that tugs at my insides when I see others hurting, it causes my heart to hurt more because I know that this is wide reaching--not just affecting the small inner circle--and I'm unable to ease their pain.
Hearing from Mom's friends has been a trial on one hand, but this week, in many ways, it has been a blessing. I received many emails from old family friends and former church family members. My mother still attends the church that I grew up in. My husband and I attended this church up until about 12 years ago, so we are still very connected to many at this church that we called home for so many years.
One email in particular really got to me. It was from a woman who knew my parents when they first got married. They were in the "young marrieds" class together--a class that is still together at the church. In the note, the woman, Karen, made mention of things coming full circle...how she remembers my parents from those early years, remembers each of us children as pre-schoolers, remembers when our father died and how they loved him deeply, they attended our weddings, etc... and now here they are preparing to lose Mom and missing her. There is just something comforting and reassuring about being in touch with people who really have known you from "the beginning" and have shared in the sorrows and joys of those years.
I mentioned my dad. I've been having more thoughts of him recently too. He had died suddenly from a heart attack so his death came without warning, unlike my mother's. I have lived longer without a father than with one, yet I can so clearly remember the day he died and how mom told each of us. As I jumped out of my friend's car, wearing my J.V. rally uniform that sophomore year, I can still see my mother standing at the front door....
It seemed like such a "normal" day.
I guess that is it. Death isn't "normal" and no matter how many times one encounters it--and I've encountered it plenty--no matter how many different ways it shows itself, there is something deep inside that just says, 'this isn't how it is supposed to be'. There is nothing good about death. Clearly it is the result of the fall of man. No "up" side to this beast. Sure, there is hope and assurance of Heaven for those who proclaim Christ as Savior, but really, the reward is for the person who dies...there are still many left grieving and missing the presence of that person. One can console oneself with the hope that we have, which is true and, definitely we experience a peace 'that passes understanding', but there is also the reality that we have to walk through this--no getting around it--and God doesn't say he'll take us out of it, or rescue us from it...He'll walk with us through it.
It still isn't easy. It's messy. And every morning, for a brief moment before the reality of life settles in and I'm still in that quasi-sleepy state, I entertain the luxury of thinking my day ahead is mine to do with as I please, musing to myself, "hm, what should I do today?"
Today as reality settled in, I realized it was hospice day.
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