Lesson of the Week

I received an email from a dear friend who has previously traveled this path with her own mother. She put it well, and I knew she totally understood, when she referred to all of this as "strange". It is strange. Hospice, the process of dying, preparations--all of it--strange. A part of me is curious about it all. How does this work, what happens, what do we need to be thinking about, etc. Part of me is overwhelmed with sadness at times. But the goal these days is to stay even keeled. Since we don't know how long this path is, to expend full emotion every single day would mean....well, I'd be a lump of nothingness and of no use to anyone. No--metering out the physical and emotional energy, and having boundaries to keep everyone's sanity in tact is the lesson of this week.

Earlier in my life, I was a person with bad boundaries...or lack of them. I thought I was being a selfish, unkind, uncaring person -- even a bad Christian--if I had boundaries or didn't try to help everyone whenever they needed attention or help. It wasn't until after having children and a patch of rocky road in my marriage that I learned about having good boundaries--even with my children and my husband. Having good boundaries is one of the greatest gifts I can give to others as it truly allows me to have more to give in the long run.

Having boundaries certainly can be uncomfortable--for the other person. In my present day scenario, the need for boundaries has been evident as the inbox for my email continues to grow with notes from Mom's friends, Mom's church family, and distant relatives, all writing to share their thoughts, sorrow and, yes, needs, as they grieve. So many of them need to see Mom to say their goodbyes; so many need to feel like they're being helpful or useful, or involved in some way, so many need to be the ones "in the know" and the sharers of information. (These are the prime boundary crashers. ) Don't hear or read me wrong; I TOTALLY understand their desire to be close to mom and our family, to give help and aide and convey their love to all of us. I get that. I'm not a cold hearted person. No, what I'm talking about are those that, in their own grief, make this about themselves, letting us know what they need to help themselves cope with the grief, or keep them in denial, or whatever. There are those that see their own needs outweighing the spoken needs of the family--of mom--which often leads to boundary crashing.

In the old days, I would have felt or thought that somehow I needed to help theses friends and take care of each of these people to help ease their pain (I know... unhealthy, huh?). But today, I know that this isn't my job. My job is to be present for Mom, to be a buffer around her and focused on what she needs. My job, our job, is to have good boundaries so that Mom will feel taken care of, so that we will still have the emotional and physical ability to function and do what is needed, and also, so that God can be God and we don't interfere with what He is doing in the lives of those around us. If I step in, trying to comfort or meet all those other people's perceived needs, where does that leave them in regard to their need to be turning to the Lord to fill those holes? Perhaps if I were to jump into action I would short circuit the spiritual work of someone else who is called to minister to those friends at this time. These are the things, and people, I have to surrender to the Lord and ask Him to take care of. They are not my job or responsibility, or what the Lord has called me to right now. And for that very reason, I have to know what my boundaries are, for my own sake as well, so I don't get in the way of what the Lord has in motion; so I'm obedient to what He's called me to; so I don't become presumptuous in thinking I know what work He's doing in someone else's life. I need to stay focused on Him, not distracted by commotion outside the boundaries.

Boundaries: working on reinforcing them, making sure they stay flexible, willing to readjust them as needed, and working at having a gracious response for those that just don't see them or care they're in place. This is not only a "strange" path these days, but one that is producing good growth as well to emotional health and wholeness.
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ADDENDUM: Along with maintaining good emotional health, I'm really seeing the need, or feeling the need, to physically take care of myself by incorporating some regular exercise back into my everyday life to help deal with the stress of everything. I've been doing way too much comfort eating and the pounds are creeping back on, and my sleep has not been all that great either. I'm wondering if anyone local might have a treadmill that I could borrow for awhile. Walking has always been a great stress-reliever for me, but I have to admit I'm a fair weather walker. And currently with the fullness of everyday, finding a regular time to do it is difficult. So, if your treadmill is currently functioning as a clothing rack and you wouldn't mind lending it for a few months, I would guarantee lots of TLC , and be forever grateful for your generosity at this time. Thanks!