A New Day

Waking up this morning I felt a little surge of excitement run through my body. This is the day I've been waiting for--even anticipating. This is the day that marks a new stage of life I have informally dubbed "moving forward". That may not seem significant to most, but for me--for my family--it is momentous. This is the day that signifies we're done with memorial services for mothers/mothers-in-law/grandmothers; we are no longer in the 'making plans and preparations' phase; we no longer have to arrange our lives and schedules around death and dying, but rather can look forward.

This morning as the rest of the household--or rather, apartment-- is sleeping, I sit here sipping coffee, reflecting and remembering how good the Lord has been, how He has provided beyond measure and how He has sustained. On so many mornings in the previous months, a simple song would come to mind that I would will myself to sing, giving thanks and attempting to keep truth in front of me. Rarely did I feel thankful and like rejoicing, but in faith, would sing the words while driving to Mom's to take my shift in caring for her, or on the morning of her memorial service, or as we traveled to the coast to see my mother-in-law and say our good-byes, and as we attended her memorial service yesterday:

"This is the day that the Lord has made. I will be glad and rejoice in it. "

I relish this new sunny day, how wonderful to once again feel hopeful. While I know the grieving will be on-going as I work through the layers and do the hard work that I need to do, it is good--and encouraging--to be in this place; coming out of the valley, and out into the sunlight on this new day I've been given.

Unedited, Disjointed Ponderings

Gosh! It has been difficult to blog lately. I'm not sure what it is, other than my head is muddled and forming complete sentences proves to be difficult, let alone writing something that is even worth reading. I have had some random disjointed ponderings, but at this point I don't think I'm able to develop each of them into their own self-sustaining entry, so I'll just jot them down below in rough draft form.

I wanted to also mention that my husband and his sisters are finalizing the details for their mother's memorial service which will be held this Saturday (5/17/08) at 1:00, at the same church as my mother's service, with some of the same people participating. I'm sure it will all be a bit "deja vu"-ish. We appreciate your continued prayers that blanket us all.

Okay, think of these as random pondering notes to be more fully developed at perhaps a later date:

~ "Weary" is the best word to describe how I'm feeling these days.

~ I'm learning the 'discipline of praising' in the midst of being weary. Amazing things happen when I deliberately and intentionally take time to praise God and thank Him in the midst of these trials. (Most noticeably--attitude adjustment and refocusing on truth.)

~ I had an epiphany about the house we hope to move into in August and the home in Heaven that the Lord is preparing for me/us right now. In recent weeks we have taken trips by the house, enjoying watching the progress that is being made. Last weekend we went in and they were finishing the drywall! We were filled with such excitement and anticipation thinking of what is to come. I realized that in these past weeks when we've needed a boost, and have needed to see something beyond our current situation and the heaviness of it all, we have thought about moving into a new house, made just for us. The kids have responded in like manner. It has been good to have something to hope for & look forward to when we are slogging through life and all it has to hold these days. My epiphany was that this is the same way we are to feel or think about our Heavenly home. It is a real place, that is being masterfully prepared for me right now. My prayer this week has been that I would get a glimpse of this home and that my heart would find hope there, knowing that this life is temporary, but something more "homey" and suitable awaits me. It is amazing how much easier it is to get through the required things of daily life when my sights and hope have been set on something beyond my current circumstances; something and someone that will not disappoint or decay like our earthly house.

~I have been in a grieving process that encompasses many things, not just the passing of my mother and mother-in-law. I'm not able to share everything here, but we have also been going through deep waters in a couple of other significant areas that have added to our exhaustion. I find there are days that I "wish" I were only grieving the death of our mothers.

~ A realization I had is that I haven't felt like something has been taken from me during this process, but rather the Lord has been adding to my life. He is further equipping me in ways I don't know or even understand, for a purpose I may not know, yet all the happenings in these short few months are meant to make me more useful to Him--and better able to walk alongside others.

~ Many days I find myself wanting to just get past this valley, or best case scenario, hurry through it as fast as possible. But that's not how it works. That's not how God works. We are meant to take a long, laborious stroll through these valleys, gleaning everything we can--savoring each emotion, feeling each pain. This is where I have found deeper intimacy with Christ, as He joins me there and I continue to learn more about Him and his character. If I skipped through the valley as quickly as possible, chances are I'd skip right past the One who wants to be on the journey with me.

~ I think it's okay to throw a temper tantrum in front of the Lord once in a while. (At least I had some dignity and didn't fall on the floor kicking and screaming.) After a brief time out, He showed me where I got off track. We're okay now and He said I can come out of my room.

~ Receiving the occasional email or note from someone just touching base or asking how I'm doing has been so nurturing and helpful. Because of my 'weary' state, reaching out is very difficult. Someone reaching in has been soothing and encouraging.

~ Feeling free to jot down random ponderings and get things out of my head is helpful...even if it isn't a great read.

Thanks for enduring!

Mother's Day

This morning at 5:35, my mother-in-law, Isobel stepped into Heaven. It is Mother's Day in Heaven as our moms are reunited. I can only imagine them as being radiant, with whole, healthy bodies and free from pain. We're so thankful for this hope we have, yet the grieving process continues for all of us. Please pray for my husband and his sisters as they plan Isobel's memorial service.

In The Valley of the Shadow--Still

As I write this, my mother-in-law is the the process of "actively dying". This is a term I was introduced to when my mother was in her process of dying. My siblings and I were educated by the hospice nurse as to what signs to look for that would signal her body was entering the final phases of life. We learned about "mottling" of the feet and legs and Cheyne-Stokes breathing patterns. We watched and waited for theses signs to let us know that she was near the end of her journey. Yesterday when my husband called me from the coast, he gave me an update on his Mother's condition that included some of these same signs indicating that his mother only has a few days, possibly hours, to live. On Wednesday the doctors concurred that perhaps she had a week or two to live, but Friday night/Saturday morning, her conditioned changed and she is showing signs of her body shutting down.

As I shared with the kids about their grandmother, the news was hard to give and difficult to receive. My daughter said, "this stinks, Mom." I agree. Of course I'm reminded of all of God's promises. We cling to them daily...and have for months. But the reality of living life daily like this has been hard and is hard. It is exhausting. Yet, daily, we are miraculously sustained. Once again we are feeling all too familiar emotions--or actually, just a continuation of emotions--those feelings of relief that Isobel is near the end of her journey and will find rest and wholeness in Heaven, thankful that she knows the Lord and that one day we will be reunited with her in Heaven; sadness for the loss; stress from dealing with family and details; fatigue from many, many sleepless nights; and it goes on and on. Why the kids will lose their only grandmothers--their only remaining grandparents--within 6 weeks of each other is a mystery to me. But I know this is all part of the lives we live and the part of God we don't understand. We don't understand His wisdom or His timing. We can only choose to trust Him and lean hard into Him while He wraps us up in His arms.

I had an odd thought yesterday as I worked on processing things. It occurred to me that neither of our mother's knew the other one was sick. Because of both of their illnesses and physical conditions, we had not told them about the other, concerned that it would burden them more in some way, or cause them to worry about my husband and me, and their grand kids that much more. Yet here they are, soon to be reunited in Heaven. It wouldn't surprise me if my Mom is part of the greeting committee that welcomes Isobel.

Mother-in-law Update

I know many are wondering how my mother-in-law is doing so I wanted to give a quick update. I've put off writing and updating about her because her condition is tenuous. And, honestly, the stress and strain of everything over the past 2 months is beginning to take a toll and these days I'm just trying to get through each day. Having energy to post to a blog is proving demanding these days.

As I had written a few "posts" ago, my husband's mother, Isobel, had a heart attack a week and half after my mother died. Isobel will be 89 next month and has been in ill health for years now. She has been in the care of an extended care unit of a coastal hospital for 1-1/2 years now. The most recent heart attack was a bit confusing to the doctors, however, after many tests, they concluded that the "episode" she had was not just one attack, but rather, she had been having a continual small heart attack that lasted for several days, all the while doing irreparable damage to her heart! They finally got that under control, but she has continued having other issues, partly as result of this latest episode, but also issues due to cumulative damage over the years and age in general.

Last week we received the report that she had not eaten or had any water for 3 days. They began hydrating her with an IV. She "perked up" and even began eating with help, although small portions. Since that time, she has had really "good" days, where she is alert and recognizes people, even conversational and interactive, and then she has other days of not eating unable to swallow, and drifting in and out of sleep. Overall, her condition is declining. There is no indication how quickly she will continue to decline, nor what ultimately will take her. She could linger for weeks and even months as her body gets weaker or she could go suddenly die from any number of heart-related issues. On Friday, the doctors recommended and have arranged a meeting between hospice, my husband Ron, and his sisters. The medical team is feels strongly that she is at the point where the hospice team may be both helpful and necessary.

Ron and his siblings are at the point my siblings and I were 2-1/2 months ago--that initial meeting with hospice, trying to decipher all the incoming information, wondering what it all means, what is best, what kind of medical decisions should they make for their mother, and so on. Their mother's issues are different from my own mother's, yet there is such a familiarity. It was difficult seeing Isobel a week ago. Not because she was in pain or discomfort--she wasn't (She actually looked really healthy compared to my mother); No, what "got" me were her mannerisms, her disposition--everything--that reminded me of how my mother was as she was nearing death. It was all a little too fresh and familiar. I'm also so "spent" from this process with my own mother, that my own reserves are depleted and I have very little emotional support available to give to my husband as he goes through this process. It is frustrating on so many levels. Ron is doing pretty well, although admittedly, he is tired and also emotionally depleted as he has been such a help throughout my mother's journey.

People have asked how we're doing and honestly, I don't know. We're doing what is required of us right now. Not a lot of choices here. This is our life right now. This is what the Lord has put before us and has allowed in our lives. We continue to trust him and believe He is able to see us through all of this. I have to testify that, to date, He has been faithful to give us enough of what is needed each day, to do what is required of us!

We do ask for your prayers for strength (emotionally, physically, spiritually) for all of us--Ron and me, our kids (Isobel is their last Grandparent still surviving)and Ron's 2 sisters; and for Isobel, for peace in her process and that the Lord would take her home quickly (she is a believer). Please be remembering Ron's sisters too, that they would experience peace that passes understanding and that through this, they would be drawn back to the Lord and find comfort and new faith in Him.

Thank you for caring!

Archaeological Dig

My siblings and I are in the midst of an archaeological dig. At least it feels that way. Two days after my mother's memorial service, we commenced the project that had been looming large--cleaning out Mom's apartment and two storage units. Yep--two.

My mother was a "saver" not a "purger". Her second husband was also a "saver" and had seemingly never-ending card files that stored notes and articles about how to organize "stuff", categorize and easily access all the filed information that was put in the many, many banker's boxes lining the many shelving units. In addition to organized clutter (and some not-so organized clutter) my mother being the last surviving member of her family of origin, became the keeper of all family "stuff" from her sisters, brother and parents. So, not only are we going through all of my Mom's things--clothing, closet contents, files and anything else saved since the beginning of time, we are going through her second husband's things, my deceased aunts and uncles saved items, my grandparents "important papers" and a few boxes of my deceased father's things that have been saved for us kids 'to have some day.'

My sisters, brother and I have each been going over to the apartment for a few hours after work each day, then working on the weekends together. I can't explain adequately the range of emotions we are experiencing as we go through this process. It seems to never end! Last weekend, with all of our families pitching in to help, we made 3 trips to Good Will, 1 trip to the recycling center with a mini van filled with paper recycling, a mini-van-filled trip to the "shredding" place, and countless trips to the apartment complex dumpsters. Most of the stuff we're throwing away, recycling or shredding, but once in a while we're finding a family gem that we feel we should hold onto, if not for ourselves, for our cousins and their families. Suddenly we find ourselves in the role of 'keepers of the family history', knowing that the many documents we hold in our hands are originals. It takes a lot of time and energy to decide the proper disbursement of so many of the things we're coming across. Many things we didn't know still existed, yet are family treasures for sure.

While it has been exhausting work to do on the heals of already being exhausted from caring for mom, her subsequent death, her memorial service and then immediately into cleaning out her things...there have been moments of "fun" when we come across something from our childhood or something that brings us right back to memories of being at Grandma's house for Sunday dinner and enjoying her wonderful pot roast.

Our deadline for having everything moved out is the 15th of this month. We have had numerous offers of help, but really, at this point, we are needing to do a good portion of the work ourselves as we determine what we want to keep and what can be tossed. Many things, like photos, we're taking to our homes and storing until we are feeling up to going through those. We have also decided to wait on determining the fate of some items as emotions are still a little raw and some items clearly fall into that gray area. Do we keep it? Do we get rid of it? What should we do with it. So these go into the "hold for now" boxes.

I can't tell you how it feels to have an end in sight to this huge endeavor. Again, such a mixture of emotions. On one hand, it will mark the end of this journey and "project"--mom being diagnosed, mom going off chemo, hospice, taking care of mom, mom dying, cleaning out all of Mom's things; and mark the beginning of a new journey--life after Mom's cancer. I'll confess I'm a little eager to experience life on the next part of the path.