Hard Pressed

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our
hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all‑surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. ~ 2 Cor. 4:6-11

The passage above came to mind a couple of days ago as I was laying in bed, praying, bewildered, tired...spent...after spending the night/day with Mom. Truth be told, being the Bible scholar that I'm NOT, I didn't recall the whole passage, but the whole 'pressed and not crushed', and 'perplexed but not in despair' kept playing over and over in my mind. She's still with us, seemingly hanging on by a thread, sleeping all the time, barely eating, unable to drink water from a straw so we moisten her mouth and lips with a small sponge-on-a-stick apparatus.

I got out of bed and looked up the passage, not remembering the verses that surrounded these few phrases I was remembering. I was more than surprised when I read the passage and my eyes were opened to see the fuller picture of what God is doing at this point in time.

Ask anyone who has walked on this path with a dying parent, spouse, child or loved one, and they'll tell you that it becomes the hub about which the rest of life turns. One's vision can get very laser focused. Schedules are changed, plans aren't made, or if they are, always with the disclaimer of 'if something should suddenly change...". The 'big picture' is easily lost. One may even find themselves wondering what others do all day long? What did I do with my days and hours before I did this? What I was recently reminded of was that, rather than being one event in all of life--albeit significant and huge--death is just a piece of what God is doing, what He is allowing to be a part of that person's faith story; or more accurately, what He is allowing to be a part of my faith story.

There have been many days that my siblings and I, especially more recently, have been feeling depleted on every level--emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. (I made mention to a friend this last week that I'm feeling a bit frayed around the edges, and hanging on by my fingertips.) I/We find ourselves wondering how much longer we will be doing this--how much longer can we do this?--, as we check off another week. Obviously, we're thankful for the extra week we didn't anticipate having with Mom, but on the other hand, seeing another week of her deteriorating body, and weakness finds us asking the Lord more fervently to take her home quickly--soon--NOW. Having her here is almost more grievous than having her absent.

So, back to the passage. As I read it, the words resonated. Yes, I/we have been pressed on every side, but you know what? We're still living and breathing. We're not crushed and we're not totally decimated. I have been so perplexed recently (I still need to share about our move, a new house, etc.), and so uncertain as to what the Lord is doing, wondering about His timing, and so on--but mostly because I can't wrap my head around it all. But again, I don't feel in despair. I'm not in despair. There is a supernatural calm that is present. Certainly nothing I could manufacture on my own. I'm not really feeling "persecuted" or "struck down", but I'm sure there are those that would feel some of the events of the past month qualify, or at the very least, having a parent die in this manner is the equivalent. I would have to testify to the fact that I have never felt abandoned by God in the midst of all of this, nor am I destroyed. And this won't destroy me. Once again, if anything, there is an overwhelming awareness of His presence in every step, every inch of this journey. If anything, the Lord feels closer than ever, an almost tangible, feel-His-breath-on-your-face kind of way.

That's when it struck me--I'm getting it God! This is how you are allowing your light to shine out of the darkness. Even in this valley of the shadow of death, His light is shining brightly and He is allowing me to be a part of the bigger picture, even with my little "jars of clay" body that feels so whimpy and tired, by making it obvious that "this all surpassing power is from God" and not from me/us.

I also have realized that I have had more opportunities to share about the peace and hope of Christ with many strangers lately, because of my mother's journey. As the Power of Attorney for my mom, I have been calling insurance companies, DMV, the doctor's office, even the Oregonian and the local Public Storage place. Everytime I inform them that Mom is dying, I'm the POA and we need to close the account, add my name on her account, or stop payment, the response is pretty much the same. The person on the other end is extremely sympathetic, "so sorry", "This must be so hard", etc. Often, the person gives a glimpse into their own fears about death and/or what their philosophy or belief system is. Seriously, with each one, I have been able to share about the peace and hope in Christ that, not only Mom has and is experiencing, but what we as her children are experiencing. Each time I am able to confidently say that it is only because of the hope we have in Jesus that we could even have the strength, perserverance or presence to go through this. He is the one who has made it possible. And even then, while it is sad that Mom is dying, and we will continue to grieve and miss her, we have hope and can be filled with joy. Responses have been mixed, some who further engage in conversation, others who have no idea what I'm talking about, and still others who quietly ponder and truly seem moved.

I know I've rambled, and I don't know that I've adequately conveyed what this passage meant to me. The affirming, reassuring reminder that God doesn't waste anything. That it is our privilege to experience real life in Him in the presence of death. That events--even painful, hard, fatiguing events--are not wasted, but all part of the picture he's painting and using; this is something that He is using to glorify Himself, and we receive the blessing because we get to experience his life-giving power up close and personal.