Jumbled

Grief is strange. You can't pre-empt grieving or "do" grieving until the appointed time. No matter how many times you've encountered it, or done it, it is new and fresh each time. Even when I knew my mother's death was eminent, and had already been grieving on so many levels, there is now another kind of grieving happening, and with it, an infusion of other emotions I hadn't expected.

A long-time friend of my mother's who lives in New Zealand sent an email to me yesterday, sharing some real words of encouragement and wisdom for us "kids"--my brother, sisters and me. N's husband had died from cancer several years ago so she is familiar with this path. Her own doctor shared this wisdom with her, and she wanted to pass it on to us.

"Don't feel guilty if you don't grieve a lot now that [your mom] has died. You have been grieving for a long time and you have seen [her] suffer so much that you might almost feel lifted on high for a while as the caring, stress, giving, and all the concentration has been on [her] and the relief has come because she is out of her pain and deterioration." She went on to say, "It doesn't mean you won't miss her terribly but you will realize how much of her pain you have been carrying."

She really gets it. This is exactly the confusing mixture of emotions I'm feeling these days; relief, sadness, joy, heart ache... No wonder there are mornings like these that are sleepless, or moments of driving in the car when I can't remember where I'm headed.

I'm a jumbled mess...and will be for quite sometime.