Gosh! It has been difficult to blog lately. I'm not sure what it is, other than my head is muddled and forming complete sentences proves to be difficult, let alone writing something that is even worth reading. I have had some random disjointed ponderings, but at this point I don't think I'm able to develop each of them into their own self-sustaining entry, so I'll just jot them down below in rough draft form.
I wanted to also mention that my husband and his sisters are finalizing the details for their mother's memorial service which will be held this Saturday (5/17/08) at 1:00, at the same church as my mother's service, with some of the same people participating. I'm sure it will all be a bit "deja vu"-ish. We appreciate your continued prayers that blanket us all.
Okay, think of these as random pondering notes to be more fully developed at perhaps a later date:
~ "Weary" is the best word to describe how I'm feeling these days.
~ I'm learning the 'discipline of praising' in the midst of being weary. Amazing things happen when I deliberately and intentionally take time to praise God and thank Him in the midst of these trials. (Most noticeably--attitude adjustment and refocusing on truth.)
~ I had an epiphany about the house we hope to move into in August and the home in Heaven that the Lord is preparing for me/us right now. In recent weeks we have taken trips by the house, enjoying watching the progress that is being made. Last weekend we went in and they were finishing the drywall! We were filled with such excitement and anticipation thinking of what is to come. I realized that in these past weeks when we've needed a boost, and have needed to see something beyond our current situation and the heaviness of it all, we have thought about moving into a new house, made just for us. The kids have responded in like manner. It has been good to have something to hope for & look forward to when we are slogging through life and all it has to hold these days. My epiphany was that this is the same way we are to feel or think about our Heavenly home. It is a real place, that is being masterfully prepared for me right now. My prayer this week has been that I would get a glimpse of this home and that my heart would find hope there, knowing that this life is temporary, but something more "homey" and suitable awaits me. It is amazing how much easier it is to get through the required things of daily life when my sights and hope have been set on something beyond my current circumstances; something and someone that will not disappoint or decay like our earthly house.
~I have been in a grieving process that encompasses many things, not just the passing of my mother and mother-in-law. I'm not able to share everything here, but we have also been going through deep waters in a couple of other significant areas that have added to our exhaustion. I find there are days that I "wish" I were only grieving the death of our mothers.
~ A realization I had is that I haven't felt like something has been taken from me during this process, but rather the Lord has been adding to my life. He is further equipping me in ways I don't know or even understand, for a purpose I may not know, yet all the happenings in these short few months are meant to make me more useful to Him--and better able to walk alongside others.
~ Many days I find myself wanting to just get past this valley, or best case scenario, hurry through it as fast as possible. But that's not how it works. That's not how God works. We are meant to take a long, laborious stroll through these valleys, gleaning everything we can--savoring each emotion, feeling each pain. This is where I have found deeper intimacy with Christ, as He joins me there and I continue to learn more about Him and his character. If I skipped through the valley as quickly as possible, chances are I'd skip right past the One who wants to be on the journey with me.
~ I think it's okay to throw a temper tantrum in front of the Lord once in a while. (At least I had some dignity and didn't fall on the floor kicking and screaming.) After a brief time out, He showed me where I got off track. We're okay now and He said I can come out of my room.
~ Receiving the occasional email or note from someone just touching base or asking how I'm doing has been so nurturing and helpful. Because of my 'weary' state, reaching out is very difficult. Someone reaching in has been soothing and encouraging.
~ Feeling free to jot down random ponderings and get things out of my head is helpful...even if it isn't a great read.
Thanks for enduring!
Waking up this morning I felt a little surge of excitement run through my body. This is the day I've been waiting for--even anticipating. This is the day that marks a new stage of life I have informally dubbed "moving forward". That may not seem significant to most, but for me--for my family--it is momentous. This is the day that signifies we're done with memorial services for mothers/mothers-in-law/grandmothers; we are no longer in the 'making plans and preparations' phase; we no longer have to arrange our lives and schedules around death and dying, but rather can look forward.
