Wednesday, December 04, 2013

Doing that thing I do

I'm sure it comes as no surprise that getting a diagnosis of cancer changes one's view of life almost instantaneously.  One thing that has surprised me is how quickly this process can bring one's "stuff" to the surface--okay--how quickly it is bringing MY stuff to the surface! 

Some random 'ponderings' and 'ah-ha' moments so far that may or may not make sense:

There is no such thing as "doing this right" when it comes to cancer.

Sounds elementary enough, right?  :-)   But for me, and perhaps as you read this you identify with this as well, there is that 'thing' inside of me that wants to do things 'right'--have all the 'right' responses, the 'right' perspective, the right attitude, the 'right' outlook, the 'right' way to process, and on and on. I so strongly don't want to 'mess up' or stumble and fall.  I can hear those words spoken to me as a child from my father,  "do it right the first time and you won't have to do it over again."  Okay, probably doesn't really apply to cancer and I'm sure he was probably talking about cleaning my room, but it does give insight into what drives me sometimes. (And believe me, I'm not saying this is a healthy thing or necessarily a good thing, but it is one of those real-life things I have to work through and keep growing through.)

I'll admit, even on a faith level, I want to do things 'right', desiring to not miss out on any of the lessons I need to learn, or grow where I need to grow and so forth.  The danger of  a "doing it right" mentality is that it can quickly give way to performance-based relationships with others and performance-based faith;  If I do "A", then "B" will happen, and so forth. These relationships can quickly become disingenuous, manipulated and not a relationship of real depth.  With regard to faith and God, it no longer becomes about grace and what God is doing in my life, but it becomes about me and what I'm able to do, and faith isn't even involved. 

So back to my main point--I truly believe there is no "right" way to do this cancer journey especially on an emotional level. Any and all of us that have traveled this journey as either the one with cancer or the loved one of someone with cancer, know this is a messy path. I traveled this path with my mother who passed away from cancer (different kind than mine) 5 years ago. (See previous blog posts)  There is very little about this path that can be controlled. It isn't pretty, it twists and turns, keeps you on your knees, and is exhausting. We may all respond differently, and that's okay. 

As we left the doctor's office the afternoon we had first heard the word "lymphoma", my husband gave me a gift. Perhaps he didn't realize how great a gift it was and is to me, but it meant the world and still does. To paraphrase, he reassured me that I had the freedom to just be me and process this journey anyway I needed to, whenever and however and not to worry about what others think. (He knows me!)

 From this new vantage point as the one with cancer, I am experiencing a real freedom in releasing myself from the inner desire to do this "right", respond 'right', be strong in the 'right' way and so on.  If I have a melt down on some days, that's okay, God created tears and emotions, and there are arms of grace that are wrapped around me. If I have those days where I am overwhelmed, that's okay too;  again, it doesn't mean I don't trust him and am in danger of yet another mark by my name on the 'O-ye-of-little-faith' chart. 

  Knowing I don't have to do this journey 'right', or perhaps more accurately acknowledging that I'm truly not in control of this journey, has freed me up to lean that much more into it and relax (as much as is possible) into the process, taking just one step at a time. It's uncomfortable, doesn't feel good and is unknown, but there is a supernatural peace and assurance that has settled in.  Even on some of the hardest days so far, I have felt like I'm wrapped up in a cozy blanket and being held just that much tighter. 

So, bottom line, I'm not totally excited about this journey, and it will be messy at times, but as I'm learning to trade in my tightly clenched 'I-am-going-to-do-this-right' fists for stretched out open arms that are letting go, I am becoming more aware of God's provision, more receptive to His grace, and peace and have a heart that is increasingly more thankful.

 To all of you that have chosen to go on this journey with us, we are so thankful for your love, support, encouragement, and prayers.  We truly cannot do this without you. Thank you for surrounding not just me, but Ron and the kids with your love and care as well.  We are overwhelmed in a good way.  :-)