Merry Christmas Cookies

Being home bound with 3 teens during these wintry snowy days of the past week has had its ups and downs. I have tried to go to work when possible, but since my place of employment is in the higher elevations, being able to actually get to work has been hit and miss in the past week. One day I drove on nearly-bare pavement all the way to the bottom of the hill that leads up to the office, but had to chain up my mini-van to make it the last 1/2 mile. This week, at the boss' recommendation, I will be staying home all week and not going into the office until next Monday; an unplanned, and unpaid Christmas break. So, that has left me at home with an 18 year old (who also has had work days cancelled on him) and a 16 and 14 year old.

Like many mothers are reporting via the buzz on Facebook, one or two snow days is fun and an adventure, but after a week...well....it is getting old and quite honestly, we're running out of things to do to keep us all from going stir crazy. We've watched available DVDs, decorated, and re-decorated the house for Christmas, and are now playing really old Nintendo 64 games that are "new" to us once again. Oh, and eating way too many Christmas goodies.

Baking is one thing we have done nearly every day. Like most families, we have our traditional Christmas cookies that we simply must make every Christmas, then of course there is the fudge and the Chinese-noodle-butterscotch-chips-peanut-buttery-candy-things that are a must. So yesterday, was the day to make our traditional Merry Christmas cut out cookies. This is the same cut out cookie I made with my mother that was a long-standing tradition in my family when I was growing up. I wasn't sure at first if my big kids would really care about making the cookies. No one had mentioned them yet this season, so I honestly had considered not making them this year. But as soon as I pulled out the ingredients, the hand mixer and Betty Crocker's Cooky Book, their eyes lit up and they were excited. (Well, the girls were excited, my son was quietly enthusiastic.) Suddenly it was a team effort and cookie cutters were being pulled out of the cupboard, sprinkles and food coloring were accounted for and on it went.

I flashed back in my mind to our first house we lived in and making this same cookie recipe with my little children who were then ages 6, 4, 2 and an infant. We video-taped the event as I showed them how to roll out the dough and cut out shapes. Decorating them with the icing was entertaining, and each cookie looked more like lumps of frosting encased in colored sugars than a Christmas bell, star or Santa face. But, my kids are big now and I'll admit it, I was a bit melancholy when shopping for stocking stuffers this year. As I walked through the toy aisle at the store, I was so sad when I realized that they probably wouldn't think of Play-Doh as a treasure in their stockings any more. (I actually realized this years ago--but it seemed especially sad this year.) In a year of transitions and losses, I realize I'm a little more acutely tuned into things (maybe hyper-ly so? Don't know.)

I felt a little pang in my heart when pulling out the Cooky Book and Christmas cookie cutters my mother had given me years ago and was keenly aware with how quickly time is passing. I've been missing the sweetness of days gone by when my kids were little and the anticipation of Christmas morning was almost unbearable. I miss shopping for toys. These days Christmas list "toys" are either technological in nature, a specific clothing item, or an accessory. I'm guessing this is about the time that people my age start thinking ahead to being grandparents and get excited at the thought of once again being able to be around little children on Christmas.

I was so thankful for this little Christmas surprise and a tradition that continues on, at least for one more year. Our cookie making session was an unexpected blessing to me and a reminder to enjoy these days as I know things continually change, children continue to grow and leave home and one day I'm guessing making Merry Christmas Cookies will be gone as well.

I do have to add, as a sweet ending to the day, my 18 year old son announced just before bed time, "I'm so excited Christmas is in 3 days!" That just made my mother's heart sing. It is nice to see that not all things have changed!

Celebrating

The Lord is good!

To follow up on my "IDK" post, I just had to share a little bit of how the Lord has been working. He has given clarity, and direction in ways that can only be spirit-directed. And not only that, but has been giving confirmation through words of exhortation from brothers and sisters in Christ. I'm so thankful for these Spirit-filled followers of Jesus who know truth, speak truth and are filled with wisdom from the Lord. It's true, we all truly need the Body of Christ and cannot "do" life on our own!

At this time of year when we celebrate the birth of Christ, I am keenly aware of how I need Him daily to redeem my life. I'm thankful for his gift of salvation and for paying the penalty for my sin. I'm thankful that he is the Wise Counselor, Almighty God and Everlasting Father. I'm thankful that He truly is the Prince of Peace and that He has given, and continues to, teach me about true peace.

This Christmas, I have so many reasons to truly celebrate. In a year--or years--that have been filled with trials, challenges, losses, pain, and tests that have required persevering, my Lord has been more than good to me and has been more than faithful. He truly is the Almighty God who lavishes his love upon me. There is nothing I can ever do that could earn this love. And so I will choose to receive this wonderful gift of grace.

Thank you, Father, for the gift of Jesus. Thank you for the lessons you've taught me on this journey that have given me fresh spiritual eyes. I'm excited to celebrate Christmas in a fresh new way.

IDK

I'll confess, I am just a recent text-er. I know, I'm a little late getting on the band wagon. I resisted for quite a while. On what principle? IDK (I don't know). Partly because I didn't want to pay extra on my cell phone bill, partly because I didn't know if I would have the patience to learn T-9. But, I maneuvered around that by getting a phone with a full keyboard...AND I LOVE IT! Getting more proficient at texting these days, I'm learning new shortcuts courtesy of my children. It has been so great to be able to send a quick note to my husband during the day, or remind the kids of something whenever it is convenient or I think of it. It actually has helped our family communication. LOL.

But back to IDK; This seems to be a favorite phrase of mine these days as I'm coming to the realization, once again, that I really don't know much of anything, or understand God or His ways. There is that "mystery" thing again. So much of life is not clear cut or precise. It is messy and hazy. And I hate that part! I know these are the times when faith has the opportunity to grow more; I have the opportunity to learn more of God's character; that 'thing' in me that needs to be addressed has an opportunity to be exposed to light and dug out; and on and on. But the times that really drive me crazy is when things are so quiet. I know, I know God is still active and at work. I just wish I could see it. I think I'm tuned in. But am I?

IDK, these days I'm feeling like a total loser--but we can't trust our emotions. They are indicators of something, but we are not meant to run our life on them soley. So what is the truth? Is there something I'm just not getting because so much of life these days just doesn't make sense to me? Is this part of the process and an answer to my prayer for Him to be refining me, changing me, strengthening me? Is this the answer to my prayer to Him to show me the sin in my life and expose those areas not exposed to His light? IDK.

These are times when I feel myself stretched to the edge of despair, yet I don't despair because I do trust the Lord to be big enough to carry me through and accomplish his work. But there is that constant battle for my mind. Oh, the battle. I am really seeing it now--this is one of Satan's biggest tactics with me--he often intimidates me with fear. Yes, fear is a biggie. Not fear as in 'I'm afraid of the Bogey man", but fear of the 'what ifs'. Then there is the fear that I'm the only one in the whole world who doesn't get "it" and everyone else does. Maybe I really did miss the boat along the way somewhere and everyone is just too nice to not tell me otherwise. It is hard work to take all those thoughts captive! But I'm learning and working at being more disciplined in doing just that.

Doubt is a close second-which is a cousin to fear. At times, doubts about God's goodness creep in, or doubts about God's power and that above all, His love, grace and mercy will prevail in whatever situation arises. Again, more practice in disciplining my mind to take those thoughts to Jesus and ask Him to deal with them. I need to be careful not to 'entertain' them too long or give them to much air time on the CD player in my head.

IDK. If God has created and developed in me this drive and passion to seek after him, earnestly asking Him to guide and direct, then why does it seem so confusing? Are my spiritual eyes not open wide enough? And ears not tuned in? I have sincerely been asking for these things...yet...it is quiet recently.

What I do know (WIDK) is that I am choosing to believe that this is part of the refining process...although it really feels yucky (which refining often does) and that ultimately He will be glorified. I'm believing that something will shift soon and the Lord will shine His light on something and break some things loose. I know His purpose will be accomplished--whatever that is.

But yet, I still feel a little...oh...IDK...but I'm thankful He does.

Truth

The Lord has been teaching me a lot about truth lately. Not a fun or easy task. Actually, it is a gruelling journey that I would have opted out of many times over by now...but I can't. I was created this way; with a tenacity for truth. I remember being this way since I was a little girl, never satisfied with just whatever someone would tell me, but wanting to know the truth for myself. I guess I was inquisitive, but I know it is also what the Lord has called me to. If I truly am going to follow Christ and profess him as Lord of my life, then I want to be obedient in whatever he calls me to.

I'll confess, I'm tired of the challenges. Sure there are days I find myself bargaining with Him, or asking for a pass, but then conviction from the Holy Spirit comes strong and direct. No denying it. If I choose to live my life grounded in truth (not an easy task) then daily it will be contested and challenged because our world doesn't run by truth, or seek truth. I mean, if you think about it, look at Corporate America. It doesn't operate on truth, but rather does whatever is necessary to protect the corporation and make things continue to work. No body's job is safe (these days especially) and everyone is expendable as long as the corporation survives. But I digress--Bottom line is, I don't want to be a wimp. I want to be a good and faithful servant, and so I press on.

One of the most prominent lessons I've been learning lately is that people really aren't comfortable with truth, or generally speaking, don't really want to know the truth. I'm not just talking capital "T", as in Jesus, but just truth in general. I see this everyday in the insurance world as I talk daily to many clients. There are clients that have had my employer as their agent for years, and have always trusted him, commented that he has integrity and has never let them down; always have known him to be a dependable guy. Which is true. He is a consistent, straight-arrow type of guy that never causes waves. And yet, we get phone calls from some of these seniors who inform us that they've abruptly changed to another insurance plan and with another agent because they 'liked how the other agent looked' or spoke. (Always a great way to decide your insurance needs!) Meanwhile, what they are turning a blind eye to (and choosing not to address) is that the other agent has switched them to an insurance plan that will cost them more money and really is not the best plan to meet their needs. In the end, the only one profiting or benefiting from the deal is the insurance agent. It amazes me how many choose not to hear the truth simply because the version they are being presented with is dressed up and more appealing some how; It is more comfortable or they flat out want to believe it just because it relieves them of any responsibility or work on their own part.

I see this same vulnerability everywhere I look, and in myself. Anytime we're confronted with truth, it shows all those areas that don't align with truth that much more clearly. Truth becomes a mirror of sorts--showing the flaws such as pride, wounds, failures, mistakes. And it isn't fun. It is hard work and is always humbling. The tricky part about truth is that when we are confronted with it, it requires something from us--a response of some kind--and it is scary. But all too often, we avoid seeking truth, going after it as a treasure or probing deeper because we fear the unknown and the reality of what we'll discover. We're fearful of what being faced with the truth might demand of us. If we don't seek truth, then we can remain comfortable, status quo, and we can be confident that radical change won't be required of us.

What I'm also learning is that one of the beautiful things about truth is that there is peace when truth is present. Truth doesn't need defending. No argument can be present where there is truth because how does one argue what is true? It just is. It doesn't need a "circling of the wagons" to protect it, it stands on its own. There is freedom in truth that is not dependent upon how it is presented, or what version is given. Real truth is pure and resonates deep within the spirit. Truth connects the dots. And I'm so thankful.

Thanksgiving

This was our first Thanksgiving without Mom present, and, as it turned out on the calendar, Thanksgiving day also fell on mom's 71st birthday. Several of mom's friends contacted us this week, with concern in their voices and sympathy in their notes and cards letting us know they were thinking of us and missing her, knowing that this would be the first of many holidays this year that we will be celebrating without her.

I think my siblings and I all felt a little "iffy" going into the week, very aware of all the nuances of this year's feast. We were all prepared, and even had discussed that there may be a range of emotions we could feel and have on Thursday, and that it was okay; we gave permission to each other to just "be". But much to our surprise we all realized we're doing really well and it wasn't a sad day at all. In fact, it was the opposite for all of us. While we all commented at one time or another it seemed obvious someone was missing, our spirits weren't dampened at all, and none of us felt sad. We have truly done our work this past year.

Seventeen of us joined together at our house for the day: my family, my sisters and their families, and my brother and his wife. It was a full day of playing games, sharing pictures, talking and celebrating. We were really celebrating as this had been an eventful week prior to the feast day and a reminder that life continues on and is meant to be lived: My oldest niece, A and her husband C, gave birth to their first child--and the first baby of the next generation; My nephew P just finished recruit training ("boot camp") as a Marine and was able to be back home for the holidays before heading off to the other side of the states in January; and my nephew T is living in so. Calif and living his life of adventure there.

We were all truly thankful for the blessings of being together, for the acknowledgement of the losses of the past year, and for the freedom to move forward and not be held back by the events of the prior months. It truly was a day of giving thanks for God's goodness in every twist and turn in the journey on this path.

# 49

I've determined that my husband and I are in a weird stage of life; that strange point in time where our parents have died, our children are beginning to fly the nest, and we're aging. The collective they said it would happen. And yes, it has. We've reached that point in life where we have long hit the half-way point and are thinking about the years to come. This month being our birthday month and being on the heels of losing our Mothers this year, we're feeling our mortality and thinking more about our own health. Yep, it's true, try as I might not to conform, I'm turning into one of 'those' people (or at least conceding to the fact) that I'm an aging person!

As birthday # 49 quickly approaches, I have to confess I'm in a little bit of disbelief. I don't know that I ever really thought I'd be almost 50! I mean, old people are almost 50! (or at least my grandparents and my mother were that age once!) I still feel like the same person inside, although the exterior is beginning to show signs of wear and tear. I see my children turning into adults and I wonder how it is possible that so many years have gone by since they were infants?

Coming to terms with being an aging person, or at least nearing "senior" status and senior discount offers at restaurants, is a strange thing. I still bristle when I see something that refers to seniors as anyone over the age of 50! EXCUSE ME?? My husband is 3 years ahead of me in birthdays, and I think of him as anything but a senior citizen.

It is true though, we have become much more aware of our own personal health. Things that we once thought were remote possibilities when we were younger such as cancer, heart disease, or Alzheimer's (all of which are in our gene pool, thank you very much!) are now becoming much more real and real possibilities for us. It is a bit unnerving, really. So with this reality, we have become more intent on taking care of our health, for the long term. In prior years my health focus was just on weight control, now my goals are to not only lose weight, but to do so in order that my heart will be healthier, hopefully decreasing my factors for cancer, and reducing my risk of other diseases. Of course, the element of I-just-feel-better-and-like-the-way-my-clothes-fit-better-when-I-weigh-less-factor is in there too!

Call me slow, but I've had to come to terms with some really basic "facts" in the past few years as I've been aging. As an example, I realize that at some point I hit my peak for looking the best I was going to look, and I don't even know when that was... I wish I had known it so I could have savored it a little bit.

Some other realizations:

**Some of the really cute, sassy hair cuts out there, are off my list of options because as an 'older woman' they would look silly on me, or 'too young' for my age.

**When it comes to clothing, comfort is a big factor for me now. UGH! I swore I would never travel down this path...but I have! My dear daughters are really working hard at helping me meld comfort and fashion. They insist I can still look "cute" and be comfortable in my clothing. But again, I have to be careful in my selection of clothes so as to be (albeit unspoken) age-appropriate!

**When I've bought alcohol of any kind (don't be alarmed--rarely and for an occasional wine with dinner) at the store, there is no hesitation as to if I'm old enough to buy it or not, but now there is some discussion as to if I look my age! This really happened no too long ago. It was the oddest exchange. You know how the cash register will now prompt the checker to look at ID, regardless of age? Well, this checker, instead of asking me to flash my driver's license, just flat out asked me my age. I told her, with a long line of customers waiting in line behind mind you. She repeated my age--loudly--and began commenting that I didn't look that old, '....must have good genes', and on and on. I was beyond the point of embarrassment as I could then see the next customer in line, eyeing me as if to determine if they thought I looked that old! Yes, clearly, I've reached a new stage in wine-buying.

**My husband and I are now some of the "older" parents in school. Since our two daughters are the last of our 4 kids in high school, we have moved up in rank as the 'older parents'. It is funny as I have noticed this as well and amazed at how many "young" parents there are at high school events!

**I've decided I'm a person who wears glasses. Okay, this one has been flat-out denial for years, I'll admit it. I at first was given glasses for reading years ago, but changed to contacts along the way so I could see up close all the time and not bother with glasses. (I'm far-sighted and needed glasses when doing flowers, crafts, etc.) Then, about 5 years ago, I realized my distance was getting fuzzy and was informed this was common for my age. So, at that point, I went for the no-line, progressive tri-focals that I wore interchangeably with my contact lenses. However, since I've been working for the last 3 years, I've worn my glasses consistently at work as it is much easier to transition between projects, etc., and see well all the time; but on the weekends or when going out, I'd wear my contact lenses. During this past year, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm just a glasses-wearing person now and am going to ditch the contacts. They're not as comfortable, and again, I love the practicality that I can see well, all the time, rather than have to shift between reading glasses and contacts. (I know, kinda dumb...but a real transition I've had to make.)

**I have maintained an attitude of being a student and don't want to lose that. I want to keep learning and stretching my brain and challenging myself. I do think it is silly when people become older and decide they are too old to learn anything new, or that there is no need for it. I don't want to ever lose my desire to be teachable or learn new skills. I don't ever want to reach a point of thinking I know everything I'm going to know. I'm still making my list of things to do and classes I'd like to take in several venues, and actually a little excited knowing that the last of our kids will all be out of school in 3-1/2 short years!

And finally, if Cloris Leachman can be on Dancing with the Stars while in her 80's (although she was horrible--yet good for her!!), then there is still hope for me!

....I Can See Clearly Now....

Just had to do a quick post to let you know that the prayers of many have been answered so clearly and precisely for our dear daughter H.

Because of the blurry vision she has been having for the last few weeks due to being diabetic, it was questionable if H would be able to take the PSAT at her high school this past Wednesday. Well, the answer was YES! She was able to take it! Since last Sunday her vision improved rapidly and by Wednesday, she said she was almost 100% blur-free! She was able to take the test and felt she did pretty well on it. They even accomodated her in allowing her to have her mid-morning snack so her sugar levels wouldn't drop too low. (Remember, they had said they wouldn't make any accomodations? ) So, give thanks to the Lord for his grace and mercy and for answering your prayers in this way!

This week she is hitting a new stride and her blood glucose levels are much more consistent and in the "good"range. We're so thankful. H is noticing that she feels so much more like herself again and is enjoying feeling "normal" after many, many months.

Thank you again for your prayers for our dear girl and for us as her parents. As I wrote in my last post, every day gets a little bit easier.

Progress

Well, we made it through an entire week 'on our own'. I'll admit that at the beginning of this week, it seemed very daunting. We were going full steam ahead into the unknown, and every minute of every day had its share of fear attached. In fact, that may have been one of the biggest battles fought, and won this week--the battle over fear.

It is true what they say that 'knowledge is power'. We found as we became more knowledgeable about diabetes and our daughter's health that we became less fearful and more empowered. As we understood how to determine and measure the insulin she would need before each meal, and what her "ratios" were, we became more comfortable with dialing up her right does on her insulin pens. In our daily pre-determined dinner time calls with her endocrinologist, we were able to discuss what was going on, ask questions about "correction units" and give him daily "numbers" from our log sheet where we record every meal, every blood glucose reading (which included a 2 AM reading every day), every carbohydrate ingested, every dose of insulin given.

After we met with her diabetes education nurse, H felt even more comfortable knowing that all the emotions, frustrations and anger she is experiencing are very normal and to be expected, and that in time, these will fade and she will have adapted to her new lifestyle. Perhaps one of the most freeing things this week for H was the understanding that having diabetes doesn't mean she can't eat anything with sugar in it, it just means she has to be aware of how much sugar is in a food item and make the choice to eat it or not, and then "dose" accordingly if she really wants to ingest it. This helped alleviate a lot of concern regarding Thanksgiving. She is comforted in knowing that she will still be able to enjoy some of her favorite foods and desserts.

One of the greatest barriers we needed to hurdle this week was H going back to school. We were asked to keep her home on Monday, but Tuesday morning we had a meeting with the school district nurse, as well as the high school's nurse to go over things. They were both great and so helpful. There are 4 other diabetics at H's high school, so the health office is well versed in how to do these things, which really gives a great level of comfort. H was also very comfortable with everything. At lunch time each day, she goes to the health office to check her glucose level and administer her pre-lunch insulin. She is glad to know that there is a supportive staff at the school who can help her if she has any questions or concerns, and as parents we are thankful knowing there are caring adults there watching over our child, especially if there is an emergency of some kind. We were also reassured that there were several staff persons on-site that can administer a "Glucagon" shot should H suddenly pass out from low blood sugar. This actually is a comfort in that there are only a few minutes to administer this shot before seizures or a coma sets in. (See, I can write about it so matter-of-fact! I've come a long way in a week!) H had nothing but good reports from school. In fact, one of her teachers--a man that had worked with my husband years ago--has type I diabetes and has really come along side H to reassure her. Even her friends are asking a lot of questions, have gone to the health office with her, and will be going to one of her diabetes education sessions to learn more!

One of the really hard side affects of this disease that H has to deal with right now is blurred vision. This is the most significant physical issue right now. And there isn't anything that can be done about it, other than to wait. Many doctors and nurses have all explained it well and similarly. H's body has been living with high blood sugar for months now. In effect, her body has been trying to push syrup through her veins. Her body adjusted to this stress by working over time pumping and compensating in other ways. Now, as she is getting regulated and her blood sugar levels are coming down and getting into a much more "normal" range, her body is again having to readjust. It is also trying to get all the "syrup" out of her veins and is getting replaced with healthy thinner blood, but this takes time. Since the veins in her eyes are some of the tiniest there are, this "leeching" takes much longer, and the change in pressure affects the eyes by causing blurry vision. It isn't a permanent condition, but it literally can take a month or two for her eyes to adjust. This blurry vision affects not just reading, but distance as well, and it isn't predictable. It is changing all the time, all at once or at different times. It is very frustrating. She had an eye appointment with the Opthamologist yesterday who conducted a "new diabetes diagnosis eye exam" and assured us that H's eyes are very healthy and have not suffered any kind of damage from the diabetes. He again told her that patience is what is needed most right now. We are working closely with H's school counselor and teachers regarding this as she hasn't been able to see well in class, let alone do make-up homework and daily work that is required. She also is scheduled to take the PSAT next Wednesday, but this is not looking really possible at this point in time. H says she wants to try and take it, but she won't really know until the day of. And in true form, the State is unwilling to make adjustments and will not allow any accommodations for H in that they need '7 weeks notice for emergency situations that arise.' This test is given once a year. So, the only bad part of not taking the test is that she may not be able to apply for some college scholarships. She will still be able to take the SAT next year.

All in all, we're doing pretty well. This is the first morning that H was given permission from the doctor to sleep in (with strict guidelines). A major mile stone! And a right of passage--especially for a teenager! She is being given more independent control over her treatment which is wonderful and, as the doctor told us, a really great indication that H is really being conscientious and that we're much further ahead at this point than a lot of families. That was reassuring as well. We'll take their word for it as it is all so new to us.

Thank you for all your prayers and notes! It really has made such a difference this week as we continue on this path of the unknown! Please continue praying. We know we need that support and help!

Dependent

This past week was one that I won't easily forget. It is true what they say, life can change in a an instant, and once again our family felt the impact of that sentiment.

For the past month, our daughter H has had some changes in her health; nothing that was obviously wrong but subtle changes and some weird "symptoms" that began around July and intensified once school began. Knowing that things weren't "right", I made a doctor's appointment for her this past Wednesday to see if they could connect the dots and let us know what was going on with her.

The night prior to her appointment, I had a very restless, fitful night of sleep. My mind was pouring over things and I felt a "nudge". I got up and went to the "symptom checker" on WebMD on the Internet. I know one should not put heavy weight on these kinds of things, and I think it is possible to self diagnose, convinced that one has the worst and most remote illness possible, but this time it was different. Again, the small voice said to me, "check diabetes symptoms." H had been really thirsty since summer, but we figured it was just because it was hot, she was active, and she had more of a need to stay hydrated. She also had been reading a lot and had complained of blurred vision, but again, I figured she just needed reading glasses like I did at an early age. I remembered something that was planted in my brain years ago, that increased thirst could be a sign of diabetes, as well as vision changes. So I checked her symptoms.

In those wee morning hours, I went through the list of symptoms for diabetes, and H had begun demonstrating a good portion of them. Returning to bed around 4:30 that morning, my husband turned over and asked if I was okay, and I blurted out, "I think H has diabetes." Needless to say, neither of us slept well the next few hours before we got up for our day of work. I had talked with H about what I had learned. In a very matter of fact way, she said that made sense, but of course, understandably, was hoping it wasn't' true.

The next day I was able to get her in to see the doctor. The nurse did a quick urine test and a finger poke, and after a very brief time, the doctor came in and announced, "yes, it is diabetes, Type 1." Next, she informed us that she was going to send us directly over to the Pediatric Endocrinologist's office at St. V's Hospital, and that he would get her admitted to the hospital for a minimum stay of 2 nights/3 days. My head was spinning, tears were rolling down H's cheeks as well as mine, and I couldn't get off the announcement of Type I diabetes; and now we're being told H is getting admitted directly into the hospital?

The doctor went on to explain the difference between Type 1 and Type 2 diabetes; Type 1 is when a person's pancreas stops making insulin altogether and the individual becomes insulin-dependent through injections for the rest of their life. Type 2 is often seen in older people and has more to do with lifestyle, eating habits, weight, and so forth, and often is not insulin dependent. We were consoled (?) with the fact that Type 1 can come on suddenly like this, even in families such as ours where there isn't a history of diabetes. There may be some latent gene combination that my husband and I gave to H that somehow triggered this, but in 75% of these cases, there is no family history or anything they can connect the onset to. It literally "just happens."

Within 3 hours of walking into the pediatrician's office to see what these symptoms meant, we found ourselves sitting in H's hospital room consulting with nurses and the endocrinologist, discussing why she was connected to an IV, what her first doses of insulin would be, and talk about the "diabetes teaching" we would be given over the next several days. I won't kid you--I don't know that any of us--my husband, H, or myself--fully received all that we were being told. We were in a fog of shock.

Over the next 2 nights and 3 days, we indeed did received lots of instruction. It became clearer why they have this hospital stay; not only to give the immediate intervention and attention the patient needs, but also to inform, educate and have a safe environment for families to be introduced to the world of diabetes, which now becomes their new reality. By the second day, H, my husband and myself were giving the new little patient her insulin shots. We had been quickly educated in technique, measurement, and administration of these shots. For me, the fear factor was the biggest obstacle I had to get over; I was thankful that I didn't have a needle phobia, but the thought of having to give my child shots was not that appealing, worried that they would inflict pain on her. H did great and after seeing her give herself the first injection, it alleviated a lot of fears associated with the "unknown" for me. She assured me that it really didn't hurt her. In fact, the finger pokes she has to do each time she checks her blood sugar level are much more uncomfortable than the actual insulin shots.

We came home late Friday afternoon, heavy with the reality that a new journey was ahead of us, and one that would become part of everyday life. Again we all fought back tears (and lost the battle) as we walked into our home and the heaviness of it all covered us. It hit us hard that we couldn't just leave this at the hospital, but now had to embrace it and bring it home with us, aware that we have to re-program our minds, acknowledging that this isn't an illness that will go away with time, but rather it is a new way of living, and one that we will have to work hard at adjusting to.

This morning, Sunday, we find ourselves feeling more comfortable having gotten a full 24-hours on our own, under our collective belts. We are in contact with H's doctor every day as he adjusts the insulin doses and we are beginning to see a pattern and some consistency in range of her blood sugar level. We now know her signs of hypoglycemia and hyperglycemia and how to respond to both issues. We know how to make "adjustment doses" of the quick acting insulin, figure out her carb intake for meals and snacks and the "1 unit to every 8.5 grams" formula that seems to be working for her. We are still waking her up around 2:30 each morning to check her blood glucose level, and will do this for the next week or so, as well as keeping her on a regular waking/eating schedule during this initial stage. Tuesday will be her first day back at school, at which time H and I will meet with the school nurse and go over "the plan" at school, as well as notify H's bus driver, her teachers and identify the staff members at the high school that know how to administer emergency aid in the case H passes out at school from a sudden drop in her blood sugar level.

So here we are, on another journey that we didn't see coming and certainly couldn't have anticipated. So many questions have flooded our minds, perhaps the most prevalent being, "why?". We don't know, but just has H is now dependent on insulin for ongoing health, we are even more dependent on the Lord and his strength through this process. H has voiced this as well, but she told me that she knew the Lord had prepared her for this, saying that she "just knew" a while ago that she 'would be the one in our family to have something like this'. Although she'd rather NOT have diabetes, it is obvious that the Lord is near and taking care of her. She has a calmness and strength about her that can't be manufactured from her own sheer will. As a parent it is a good reminder to me, once again, that truly, these children we have are not ours, but the Lord's and His love for H, and us as her parents, is evident. Our prayer has been that He would meet her just where she needs it and in the way that only He can, and He is being faithful.

We are all tired, overwhelmed, and a little apprehensive, but feeling a blanket of comfort as we know so many are praying for us. We are dependent upon those continuing prayers. We know that for millions, diabetes is and has been a reality of their lives. For us, it is new and we will be adjusting for quite awhile. As we were told many times in the hospital, H isn't sick, and it doesn't mean she can't live a "normal" life, it just means she'll (we'll) have to approach it differently and work a little harder at it. In the big scheme of things, we are so thankful that she isn't terminally ill, or has a disease that will increasingly drain her life, or something that will leave her handicapped forever. As we've seen the color return to her cheeks as well as her energy and sweet disposition, we are thankful that this is a treatable disease, and something that can be dealt with. We are so thankful for the Lord's provision during this time as well. He provided additional income this month for both Ron and I that, as it turned out, helped cover the expense of the co-pay at the pharmacy (over $200) for all her initial supplies. We are thankful that H is a teenager and very conscientious and will be good at managing her diabetes and able to be independent in that. We are thankful that our other kids are all older as well and were able to take care of themselves while we spent the last many days at the hospital. It alleviated another level of potential stress.

Thank you to so many of you for your prayers and words of encouragement. We are depending on the Lord to guide us through this and dependent on your prayers.

Sword Work

It is such a journey when one decides to truly follow the Lord wherever He leads, especially when things get scary and dark. My every tendency inside of me is to run the other direction and head for safe, familiar shelter, surrounded by people and things that bring comfort.

As the Lord has been leading this year, I'm understanding that following him is rarely comfortable or 'safe'. Because he desires me to grow and become increasingly more like him, he is allowing more opportunities for refinement, which always involves trusting, following and obeying a little more--or a lot--each time. What I have been experiencing more of recently is the task of putting His Word into action--seeing his Word lived out in my life in everyday situations as well as serving others or ministering to others. In years past it has been easy to read scripture as nothing more than words of encouragement, or a "how to guide" on how to live a Christian life, but believing whole-hearted that His Word is alive and relevant for every situation, every event, every thing in life I encounter, I have been asking Him to show me and to teach me more about living daily life this way, also asking that he would grow me in discernment and wisdom that comes from being obedient. And He is being good to me and faithful in doing just that!

As I have worked at turning to Him first for instruction and leading (not to others such as friends, family, ministers, etc.) He has been clear and decisive. I haven't always been able to "see" it right away, but as I have continued to pray through things, asking for 'ears to hear and eyes to see' and as I read scripture, it continually becomes clearer. I am learning and growing in this area. This is all part of the mystery of Christ. How the Holy Spirit can work in me to give me understanding is beyond what I can fathom. How the Lord can change my heart and mind to be in tune with His, is amazing, and not something I can just "will" myself to do.

So often I want to know how something is going to turn out before I make any decisions, before I follow the Lord to where He is leading. I'll confess, I have long wanted to see the whole map, and am resistant to just doing the next step in front of me, however, the Lord wants me to learn to trust Him in each single step. (I mean really, what would make me think I would trust Him with the whole map if I'm resistant to obeying him in just taking one step?) He wants me to rely on Him, He wants me to be in relationship with Him where he can teach, lead, guide, hold my hand, and I in turn learn to love Him more fully. He loves me perfectly; I'm the one who needs to learn how to love Him--and it takes a lifetime of dying to pride, humbling myself, walking with him and learning from Him. Oswald Chambers said it best in My Utmost for His Highest when he wrote, "discernment follows obedience." I would have to say that from how the Lord has been teaching me, this has been true. When I have stepped out in faith, obeyed the Lord in what He was asking me to do, often he has allowed me to then catch a glimpse of what He is doing in the big scheme of things, or see how that act of obedience was integral to something else. I know the Lord doesn't need me to accomplish what He wants to do, but he invites me to be a part of it, as a blessing to me.

Oh, I'm rambling on--but my heart and head have been so full. My dear Lord has been so good to my family and to me as we have had to make some very difficult decisions and have had to continually trust him with some very hard situations. Trusting in His Word, that is alive and active, believing that we are to walk in truth and in His light, clinging to Him, He has been so faithful--to all of us.

Hebrew 4: 12-16
For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any
double‑edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and
marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in
all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare
before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Therefore, since we
have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of
God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a
high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who
has been tempted in every way, just as we are–yet was without sin. Let us then
approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and
find grace to help us in our time of need.

Pass

It's amazing what results can be obtained when one has the right information!

After intensely studying this past week, new course information, terms and laws as they pertain to health insurance, I re-took (is that a real word?) the state licensing exam on Friday. What relief I felt when I saw "PASS" in the results section. Whew! It is so nice to be done with the studying part of things.

This morning I checked with department of insurance and my license has been issued. So, I'm official. Never would I have imagined I'd be a licensed health insurance agent. What can I say--it is a mystery to me, but not to God. I'll just trust him with this piece of the puzzle.

68%

"Well, Mom, now you know how it feels!"

This was my daughter's response when I told her I had failed my health insurance licensing exam this past Tuesday. At the time, she was consoling and even commiserated with me, telling me that she knew it didn't feel good to fail a test of any kind. Encouraging me, she told me I'd do better next time and inquired if I knew what parts of the test I needed to work on (just like I have asked her when she's done poorly on a test). Our roles truly had been reversed!

I have been studying for my health insurance license throughout the summer. This isn't really the career move I was looking for, or even one I have aspired to, but it is a door the Lord has clearly opened that I know I need to obediently walk through. In earlier postings I have stated how much I've wanted to get out of the insurance world and change paths, yet, here I am become more entrenched than ever. It is a bit of a mystery to me, really. My employer asked me in the spring if I would consider getting licensed in health insurance so that I could be the case worker to our Medicare clients. At the time he asked, I was mid-mothers-dying and couldn't even digest what this would mean. My boss gave me space and asked me to think about it.

In June we discussed the matter more fully and talked about what it would look like. At that time, my family was about a month from moving into a new house, so the increase in income and bonuses would be a welcomed thing. Also, my heart and attitude had been changing toward the whole realm of Medicare and seniors after my experience with my mom. I have seen the Lord really develop the passion of advocacy and help for this group of people that more than ever, need someone to come alongside them and help them with so many decisions and confusing nuances of health care at this age. And that is what has brought me to getting my health insurance license.

On Tuesday of this past week, I went for my state exam. It is a 100 question test for which they allow 2 hours to complete. I had been preparing for this exam by logging in more than 20 hours with a state-approved pre-licensing course online. A certificate of completion from this course is required by the state before they'll even allow you to take the final exam. With certificate in hand, and after passing the pre-licensing exam with a 96%, I felt pretty confident that I would be able to pass the official exam well above the minimum 70% that was required for passing.

Sitting down in my cubical in front of the computer monitor, I felt a little nervous, but not too nervous. The test screen came on and I began. I was able to answer the first couple of questions with no problem. Then I realized I began "marking" the next several questions, flagging them so I could return to them later and answer them. Midway through the test, my stomach was in knots and I was seriously anxious; more and more of the questions didn't make sense to me. I didn't recall ever studying some of the issues that were referred to, or recognize the terms that were being used. A good portion of the test covered information that wasn't even a part of my study course! How could this be??

Pushing the "submit test" button, my heart jumped and I couldn't bear to look at the final score, but finally did. "FAILED" was written boldly in the "Grade" section. My score was 68%--just two correct answers away from passing. With my mind swirling, and desiring to get out of the testing center as fast as possible, I quickly gathered my things from the issued locker, waited from my print out of the test results from test administrator and walked to my car in disbelief. Not only did I feel like a failure, but I also had that feeling that this was some kind of nightmare-ish scenario. You know, those dreams we've all had where you sit down to take a test or have a pop quiz on something that you've never even studied for. That is how I felt.

I drove back to the office, thankful that my boss is out of town for the week. At least I knew I wouldn't have to deal with his inquisition--at least not yet. Sitting down at my desk, I checked my email as is my custom when I get into the office each day, and there was a note from a co-worker, S, who works for the brother of my employer, at his insurance office in Eastern Oregon. S had taken her health insurance exam a month prior and passed with flying colors...so the pressure was on me to do as well as her. S's email was a note of encouragement meant to be received prior to the exam. She said it was pretty easy, that I would probably have no problem whatsoever and that the test was very much like the test in our course work. When I read her note I really felt dumb! I didn't think the test was anything like the practice tests in our course work...how could this be?? (Another Twilight zone moment).

I wrote back to S and explained I had failed the test, shared my thoughts about how there were whole sections that I hadn't even studied because they weren't included in our course work, etc. I told her my experience was totally different than hers and wondered how she had done so well? After receiving my email, she immediately called me, apologizing. She was feeling badly in that she had neglected to tell me she had changed courses several months ago. Initially, S and I had enrolled in the same online pre-licensing course. We had compared notes on the course and even though there were some glitches, it seemed good. What did we know? It was state-approved, and covered information that we were new to. However, S was continuing to have computer problems with her coursework and since she was a month or two ahead of me in her studies, she was caught in the middle of an update process by the company that offered the class, which deleted a section of information and so forth. I was oblivious to these issues as I had not encountered any problems with them. So, all that said, S contacted the company, demanded a refund and went with another online course that was more expensive, but, evidently, covered everything in much more detail; even their sample tests were almost identical to the state exam.

That pieces were falling into place. Clearly, she had received much better course work and preparation than I had, and it showed in the outcome of the exam. With this new information, I felt a little less stupid. In the licensing exam, I received 100% on the sections that I had studied for, but miserably failed in the sections that weren't even covered in my pre-licensing course work. I didn't have a chance, and at least now, I knew why.

Going forward from here, I need to do more studying and preparing. S has given me her log in information so that I can go through the same course that she did, making sure to get all the information I need to fill in the gaps. I've already worked through sections of the course and it is amazing how different--and complete--this course is compared to the one I used. The sample tests are in the same format as the state exam and some of the questions are identical to those on the test. Perhaps the most gratifying part is that I am encountering so much NEW information--things that were not included in the course I went through--so it feels a bit redeeming.

I'm not sure what the moral of this story is. I have to continue studying (ugh!) for a test in a field of employment that is not really my passion, yet seems to be where God is leading. Perhaps a word of caution as well; just because the state approves an on-line course, does not mean that all on-line courses are created equal--or accurate. And, it seems to be true--you get what you pay for. So, the next time you are logging in your 20 hours of pre-licensing coursework in preparation for your health insurance license...don't say you weren't warned!

The Return of Singing

I've missed singing. I haven't sung for a long time now. It's not because there hasn't been an opportunity, it's just because I haven't had a song in me. My husband and I stepped down from worship team over a year ago (? is that right?) for lots of different reasons, mostly because the pressures and issues of "life" were weighing heavy on us and our time and emotional reserves were being depleted. Since that time, I have found it difficult to sing just because this past year and all it has held has taken it out of me. I've still worshiped, but it has been much more "quiet" for me.

Yes, I've missed singing, at least until recently when I caught myself belting out some worship song while I was doing some house work. I was surprised and delighted all at once--not at the beauty of my voice (that's for sure)-- but rather at the realization that my spirit is feeling lighter and joy-filled these days. Singing, for me, is a natural expression of what's going on in my spirit.

In recent months I've tried to sing to the CD's I play in my car and have tried to sing in the church service, but even that has proved to be difficult for me. I'm so thankful that the singing has returned. I've missed this form of worship that emanates out of the very core of my being. I think this is a sure sign that I'm healing and recovering from "life. Thank you, Lord.

Yard Sale Follow Up

My husband and I had a garage sale this past weekend. Our goal was to clean out, lighten the load and free up some space. We had acquired a lot of "stuff"over the last few years, and most recently, more items from both sides of our families when our mother's passed away this spring. I realized that the last time I was involved in a garage sale, or yard sale, was two years ago--almost to the date--when my mother had a large yard sale. (As a brand new blogger at that time, it was the subject of one of my first blog entries: Anatomy of a Yard Sale.) She had her sale to get rid of as many of her unused household items as possible in an attempt to 'get her things in order' before she succumbed to the cancer that had taken over her body. It amazes me that it has been 2 years--and Mom is now in Heaven.

There is something so cathartic about having a garage sale. Seeing pieces of heavy furniture that we "inherited" (aka "castoffs that couldn't be unloaded on siblings) being carted away by a new owner who actually paid us for it (!) was liberating. The space that has been created in our garage by purging so many unwanted and unnecessary things is almost... inspiring. We find ourselves enjoying the possibility of the space; how can the space be used to its maximum potential?

This same garage-sale-process is not unlike what the Lord has been doing in my life. Many months ago, just about the time Mom was in the process of dying, it was impressed upon me that the Lord was taking me through a time of being 'freed up'. I don't know how else to say it, but He gave me the understanding that He was going to be setting me free--from what, I didn't know--but that it was for my benefit, even though pain would be involved. Which, when you think about it is always a part of being set free. Whether it is making the painful decision to sell a "treasure" in a garage sale, or taking shackles off from around your ankles (real or figuratively speaking) , there is always some kind of discomfort involved.

My next statement may seem heartless, even cruel and unloving to some, but it is true for me; there is a sense of freedom that comes when a parent dies. I know, I know... how horrible that I would actually dare utter that! But, being purely pragmatic here for a moment, think about it; it (the death of one's parent) is now a known thing. For my husband and I, we no longer have to wonder what it will look like down the road when we may be called upon to care for our aging parents, nor do we have to wonder how they will die, when, and so forth. Since both sets of parents are deceased, we know we are done with the "sandwich years." We also don't have to "do" any more deaths in regard to our parents. We've done that, and have survived. (I remember thinking as a child how horrible it would be to have my parents die. It was unfathomable to me.) That chapter of our lives is completed, freeing up parts of the future for possibilities.

With my mother passing, it also meant the end of a relationship that had its sticky spots. I have no doubt my mother loved me as best she could and she was the best mother she could be to the 4 of us kids, but she was also a woman with deep wounds from throughout her life that affected all of her relationships, including those with her children and grandchildren. Even though I thoroughly understand/understood how many of these obstructions to relating were constructed, it didn't make things any easier; I still longed to experience that mother/daughter bond that others seemed to have had. This relationship remained illusive throughout most of my life until the last few weeks of my Mom's life when we spent some precious time together, sharing and loving without barriers. Those days were clearly a gift from the Lord to me; and today, I feel set free. I feel "freed up" to go foreword, released from that relationship.

There have been a few other areas that the Lord has "freed up"--some very unexpectedly--and all have involved loss and even grieving in some way. How the freed up space will be used, I'm not certain. I don't know yet how He intends to use this post-garage-sale life, but the first step of purging and cleaning out is being completed. Right now, I'm enjoying the possibilities of the newly created space.

Today's Journal Entry

Too many things have taken up pondering space in my brain. To write out such ponderings would be laborious and borderline inappropriate. (Okay, not even borderline....one does need to have boundaries.) Perhaps one day I will be able to share more openly about these deeper ponderings....but for now...they need to remain in my brain.

For now, we'll keep things on the "safe" side and only openly ponder about things like the kids and us settling into our home. Suffice it to say we are continuing to enjoy our home. Our garage sale pile is growing, the boxes are slowly diminishing and ideas for room colors are coming together. We still can't quite believe we are so blessed that we get to live here. It really does feel like a refuge of sorts and has such a welcoming, calming atmosphere. We are so blessed.

The kids are all doing great. Even beyond great. We are so proud of each of them. It has been a joy to see our sons (20 and 18) grow in maturity as they make difficult choices about relationships, goals, service, and on and on. They know they have our complete support in their decisions and admire them for their zeal for truth, compassion towards others, and desire to be obedient to the Lord in all things. Perhaps what is most touching is the the humility I have seen in my sons at this age. It amazes me.

My girls (16 and 14) are preparing for the quickly-approaching first day of school. Both will be at the same high school this year, junior and freshman respectively. (It will be a new "first" for us--two kids out of high school, two in high school. ) Our Junior is part of the 'crew' that will be welcoming the incoming freshman on their orientation day. She has been having training this past week and is armed with lots of crazy songs and ice breakers. She'll be great at helping these newbies feel comfortable. Our freshman can hardly wait until the first day of school and has her outfits planned out for the first week! She is SO ready to be in high school...Let the fun begin!!

Unpacking

Wow it has been quite a while since I last posted. I try to post at least once a week...but not lately...just not enough hours in the day. I am still in the midst of unpacking boxes into our new home. I wish it were only boxes, but settling into a house has also required a lot of unpacking of emotions. It has surprised me a little bit. As we placed my grandmother's dining room table into our dining room, the same one that used to sit in my mother's dining area, a flood of tears broke through my emotional barrier, and when choosing where to hang the picture that had once hung above my mother's bed, those familiar feelings of sadness were present.

Somehow, all the household boxes will get unpacked and their contents will find a new home, of this I have no doubt. Whether it be garage sale fodder, a Goodwill store donation, or a cozy new drawer or cupboard I am determined that everything finds a place to be so that clutter is diminished, junk is purged, or good furniture finds a new home that can be appreciated by new owners. However, the emotional boxes that have followed us are still looming large. I'll admit I have peeked into several of these boxes, only to quickly put the lid back on and close it up tightly so I can conserve my energy and get the more immediate tasks done, such as settling into the house, changing our address with everyone, getting the girls registered for school, and on and on. But I know the day of unpacking those boxes marked "Delicate--Handle with Care" is getting nearer. I'm speaking of the boxes that contain every tear, every heartache, every trial of the past year.

I know I've written about it before and you're all probably thinking 'enough already!' but the pace of this last year has truly taken a toll. We're all feeling it. It is more pronounced now that we have a place to call our own and we're slowing down a little bit. As I catch up on things I've let go undone for months I'm seeing how, despite thinking I was holding it all together pretty good, I was on the edge of coming completely unglued. (This was confirmed by a good friend who gave us wise counsel and said that we shouldn't be surprised if it takes us another year to recover from everything, especially now that we're in our house and have a safe refuge of sorts.) It truly is only because of God's grace that I am still functional and not depressed, a little more overweight perhaps (because of my poor stress coping skills) , but not physically fatigued or distressed.

Back to the boxes. I am finding that my memories of Mom are becoming more pronounced. Not the memories of healthy mom or relationship (which had its ups and downs) but rather the images of sick mom and the few weeks prior to her death when my siblings and I were caring for her 'round the clock; these have been a bit troublesome. I remember the weight of the care-giving that was required, the fatigue from those days, and the emotional exhaustion that accompanied it. Trying to figure out where to store these pictures in my mind and all that comes with them is proving to be quite the task. I know I'm "normal" (again, subjective), so I'm not worried I'm flipping out or anything like that, this is probably the right time to process so many of these things that there just haven't been time to process. But still, it takes work.

I've talked with my siblings about that month and half before mom died, and they are all experiencing similar things. It was not a "good" time, and I'll even take the risk of saying it was not a time when we felt especially protected by grace. Yes, the Lord was very present in the details and enabling us to be able to take care of mom. He arranged schedules and details perfectly; he provided all the finances through gifts from others so that there was no financial strain on our families, and he gave us each the ability to do what was needed to be done. When I say we didn't feel the protection of grace, I mean that we didn't feel protected from feeling all the real emotional pain that comes from doing something like this. We still felt the stretch and pulling, the grief, the doubts, the real physical fatigue and emotional exhaustion. I think we (as believers in general) can lull ourselves into thinking that when grace is present, we won't hurt or feel the pain, or even the anger that accompanies these life situations; that somehow all these emotions will magically be lessened somehow. Perhaps, the reality is that we can't fully comprehend how much our pain and suffering has been lessened because of God's grace and mercy. I'm understanding better that this experience was a bit like exercise. For my siblings and I, He proved himself to be "enough" all the way to the point of where we felt we couldn't give or do any more, stretching us further (like when we do physical exercise) and showing us that we could do it with His help. We didn't get to the point of where it was too much--although there were times when we felt like it--we still made it through, we still did what was needed to be done, and we don't have any regrets. We know we were there for Mom 100% and couldn't have given any more than what we did. But the reality of it is that there is residue. There are the memories--mental images, smells, feelings--that linger. There is nothing pretty about someone dying from cancer. No matter how much you try to dress it up in a spiritual bow, even with the hope of Heaven just beyond our fingertips, the process of getting there can be pretty horrendous. And these are the fragile boxes I'm left with.

I think back to the morning when Mom died as well, and, for whatever reason, I was the only one chosen to be present for that moment. I had heard stories about other people seeing Jesus, or angels just before they took their last breath, or having a moment of clarity, or something that gave onlookers a glimpse into Heaven. (I'll confess, my sisters and I had been praying that the Lord would give us a glimpse; just something that would let us know He was present, that Mom was truly being ushered into his presence...just something.) But nothing. The last few moments of her life were labored and ugly. Disturbing even. Again, more unpacking of fragile images, waiting to be sorted and stored in a safe place.

I know, this is a downer of a post...sorry. But this is my real life, and real life as a follower of Jesus. Things aren't neat and tidy. I do believe that we can learn from everything that the Lord allows into our lives, whether it be something more about ourselves, or about Him, or how to be more like Him. I believe that nothing is wasted, and this is what gives me hope. My prayer is that I'm a good steward of those things He has entrusted to me.

Sparrow Living

We're here. We're really here. Even last night as my husband and I relaxed and watched a little TV before bed, we would smile with disbelief that we were sitting in our new home, acting like this is where we really live!

It was a very busy and tiring week. Although we moved the majority of our things last weekend, we still had several items left in the apartment. Each night after work, my husband and I met at the apartment and hauled a few more things from the apartment to the house. I also worked at scrubbing bathrooms, mopping floors, vacuuming and overall cleaning of the entire apartment hopeful that we'll get all of our deposit back. Since we signed a lease through August (because our house wasn't supposed to be completed until August) we still had to pay our August rent at the apartment complex. However, since we moved out early, the management can now attempt to rent the apartment right away and then we'll get back the balance of the rent we paid. So, this is what we're praying for!

So, here we are, surrounded by boxes, and working at establishing new routines. I've moved the location of my silverware 3 times now...still not certain it has found a permanent home. Even establishing a new place for the pets water dishes and where to feed them is transitional. I'm sure they don't care, as long as they get fed.

We're in clean out and purge mode as we unpack boxes. We just have way too much junk. I was transformed while cleaning out and getting rid of the majority of my mother's things a few months ago. Seeing how much "stuff" she had accumulated and stored...it really made an impact and has made it much easier to get rid of the extras now rather than wait. We also have accumulated so much extra furniture and at least 20 boxes of other nick knack-y things from both of our mothers that we have more than enough items for a garage sale, so that is our goal at this point.

Our cable service was hooked up late yesterday afternoon (yeah) so we can communicate with the outside world once again. It is fun to see how resourceful your kids can get when they don't have Internet, cable or a phone to use. They quickly found the "games" box and have played endless rounds of "Life", "Clue" and "Mancala". I almost hate to be "connected" once again. I didn't miss the quiet that comes with being disconnected from technology. The phone didn't ring, You Tube wasn't playing on the computer, and the TV remained off most of the time. It will be good, however, to be able to do my online banking once again, as well as pay bills, and keep in touch with my blogging buddies. And the kids were having Facebook withdrawals.

Everyone is very friendly in our new neighborhood. Many have walked down the block to greet us and introduce themselves. Perhaps that comes from the understanding that we are all first time neighbors. Since this block is made up of all new homes, everyone is a new neighbor to one another. There are some families who have been here for the past year (the originals on the block), but the majority of the families, like us, have just moved in over the past couple of months. It is a multi-cultural neighborhood which is kinda neat. And multi-generational as well, although weighted more heavily toward the younger families with children.

One of the perks we have already discovered living 3 miles further west of our previous home is that gas prices are lower! We noticed yesterday our family-owned gas station around the corner lowered their prices to $3.84. We have become "regulars" there. Speaking of gas prices, my husband and I played a game this week where we kept track our mileage and time to our respective work places. Each day we each tried a different route for our commute and then shared our results in the evening. It was interesting to find that often the route that was quicker --because we can travel 50 mph on the back country roads--actually added 2 miles onto the journey, whereas the one that was shortest, added about 10 minutes because there were more stop lights and traffic congestion involved. At this point, we're opting for saving gas and leaving a little earlier.

As I write this even now, I am in disbelief that we get to live here. It is so beautiful, so home-y and so "us", I can't believe it. When I say "beautiful" I don't mean in the designer-type of beautiful either. We have old furniture and only enough for the family room, we are using our living room area as the office/computer/game room area and we don't even have color on our walls yet. (We didn't want to pay a lot of extra to have someone else paint before we moved in.) By beautiful I mean it is just such a good fit for us--open, airy, light, very functional, very comfortable. It is so quiet here as well and truly, feels like a place of rest. Of all the homes and places we have lived, this feels most like home to us--and we've only been here 7 days! We're so thankful and so keenly aware that the Lord is pouring His goodness out on us--and we're soaking it up. With all that life has held over the past years, I know the Lord has prepared this nest for us as a place of rest, healing and restoration.

Keys

Just having received keys to our new home a few hours earlier, all 6 of us were a little goofy and elated as we sat on the new carpet of our new home Friday night, envisioning daily life in our new surroundings, planning the move, thinking ahead to holiday dinners, and determining where the Christmas tree would go. We celebrated God's goodness and His blessings in providing this house. This is the end of a journey that began 5 years ago, and the beginning of another adventure.

Today marks another momentous occasion--our wedding anniversary. We have been married for 23 years. Just this last week my oldest daughter thanked my husband and I for staying married when so many of her friends' parents are divorced or separated. I told her the key to being married is having the Lord at the center of things which is not always an easy task, especially when our human nature wants to take the reigns and--most often--run in the opposite direction of where the Lord would have us go. It is so easy to become self-centered in marriage. Marriage is about becoming like Christ, and allowing the Lord to grow each of us and so we increasingly become more like Him, rather than ooshy-gooshy feelings. (The bonus is when you have ooshy-gooshy feelings too!)

I'm so thankful for my dear husband's commitment and faithfulness to me, for being a wonderful provider for our family, being a loving and involved father to our 4 kids, and for his desire to always be growing in the Lord. I'd say 'I do' all over again, but I'd definitely break out of the '80's style.

Venting

I've just got to vent! What is the deal with customer service these days...or more accurately, non-customer service? I know this is not a new phenomenon, but lack of customer service at every turn in varying venues is a growing hot button for me. In my current employment, a good portion of my responsibility is customer service-related. I talk to numerous people everyday who feel they can't get any help from anyone--in this case insurance companies--or they don't have a voice that will be heard with the powers that be. More and more my position is turning into that of liaison and advocate for these people and more and more I see the need for it. And now, I find myself in my own customer service fiasco which just drives the point home even harder.

We are trying to close on our new house. We signed final purchase "docs" last week and are waiting for funds to be transferred from our bank (back east) to the title company so that things can be funded and we'll get the keys.

Here it is a week later and we're still waiting!!

This process started over 2 weeks ago! Our first request for our funds was "declined" because a signature from the builder was missing on one of the forms we submitted. After being told several days later that "a letter is in the mail to you", I quickly re-gathered all the forms, the supporting documents (double checking all signatures, etc.) and overnight-ed (faxes are not accepted) the required information. I called the next morning to verify receipt of everything and was told by the customer service guy, "Mike" that, according to the notes on the file, "everything looked good" and had been reviewed "by the committee".

Eager to know how soon the funds would be released, I called the following day to see how soon we could anticipate receipt of the funds. After an extremely long time on hold, the customer service gal #2 came back and said it appeared the request had once again been declined because a more recently dated closing document was needed from the seller. The most recent one was signed July 14, 2008.

WHAT?!?!

I asked her if I could please speak to a supervisor. Of course this took another 1/2 hour on hold. No, I'm not kidding. Thankfully it was a toll-free number I was calling. After a while a supervisor, Giselle, came on the phone and tried to explain the situation to me. None of which made sense. I asked her repeatedly if she could just review the documents we submitted and to look for herself, rather than going by the notes in the file. She looked over the documents and agreed that everything was in order--that we had in fact provided MORE than enough supporting documents and that clearly it seemed like everything should be fine.

After another extended period of time on hold with her, she came back to inform me that the "administrators" would have to look over the case again and get back to me, and that the only way she could resubmit the request was via email to that department and that "hopefully" she'd have some kind of response later in the day, "but certainly within 3 business days." She assured me that I could contact her if I had any questions or wanted to find out what was happening. When I asked for her direct number, of course she didn't have one. When I asked for her voice mail...of course she didn't have voice mail. So, when I did call her back because of an additional question I had, the 3rd customer service guy I talked to told me she wasn't reachable and then asked me again what the issue was and that he could put in a request, etc.... UGH!

Thankfully, Giselle, that I had talked to the most extensively called back by end of the day to let me know that the paperwork submitted had been approved and they would accept what they had in front of them. Yeah! Chalk one up for the customer. She said I could call back the following Monday (this last Monday) to check on the status and see how soon the funds would be sent. I asked if the funds could just be wired to the title company since there had been so many delays. I was promptly informed that 'they don't do that' and that a check would be sent directly to us for the amount. (The wheels of my mind were turning...'which means a hold by our bank, and then a subsequent hold by the title company...')

I checked in on Monday as planned. Of course, I couldn't reach Giselle, so talked to customer service person # 4. Was told by # 4 person that it is "in process", and could take another 2-3 business days. "Please feel free to call back tomorrow."

Tuesday AM I called again, this time, I talked with Mike from last week! He had good news and verified that "it was processed last night, but could take up to 2-3 business to days to finish being processed." HUH? "Feel free to call back tomorrow to see when you can expect the funds."

Which brings me to this morning.

I talked to yet another customer service gal who proceeded to go through a review of our entire file!! I gave her the reader's digest version to bring her up to speed and told her I was just checking back to see when the check would be going out. She proceeded to put me on hold to "double check" some items first. She came back and informed me the check would be going out today! Yeah!! (Again, the peon customer gets another boost!) I then informed her that I was told by Mike (yesterday) that I could get a tracking number since the check is being sent overnight via UPS to our house. Long silence on the other end of the phone.

"Mam, it isn't overnight delivery, it is expedited delivery." I assured her that we had been over this several times with the other myriad of customer service people and each verified that we had selected "overnight delivery" on our request form. I even double checked with Mike yesterday who said it would be via UPS and that a tracking number would be issued for OVERNIGHT delivery.

Again, this customer service gal takes "the tone" with me and says, "mam, we don't offer overnight delivery."

WHAT!! AM I BEING PUNKED??

I asked her to look over the copy of the request we signed, etc. She began reading to me in the most condescending voice one could possibly muster, "If you would like to expedite receipt and have your funds sent to you via overnight delivery, check this box." (The same selection I have confirmed each time with previous customer service people.) She proceeded to tell me that this statement doesn't mean overnight delivery--it means "expedited" delivery which could be 2-3 days for delivery. However, I was more than welcome to call back today before 4:30 Eastern time to get a tracking number, although they may not have one for me until tomorrow morning....

Okay, I'll confess, I'm beginning to lose it! Since when did "overnight delivery" not mean "overnight delivery?"

I immediately called the title company to let Mary, our account person, know the most recent information about the situation. She has been great in keeping everyone notified, updated on the process, etc. (A very great customer service person). Just now I received a phone call from our mortgage person, Laurie, who informed me that (of course) our interest rate lock runs out today. The good news is, we can get an extension until Friday with no charge if we KNOW FOR SURE that the funds will arrive tomorrow and we have a tracking number (see above) or, we will have to pay an additional $360 to lock in our rate for 7 more days. *** SEE UPDATE BELOW***

So, lucky me, I am going to make another phone call this afternoon to see if I can get a tracking number that may not be available until tomorrow morning, for a check that we requested "overnight"--but may not come overnight--so we can get our current interest rate that we're locked into through today, but may or may not be for the next week, for a house that we've already signed all the papers on that sits empty waiting for us, so we can move into it....who knows when.

Today I'm thinking that a long hot bubble bath in my new soaker tub sounds ideal. Of course, I have no idea when that will happen.

(Heavy sigh.)

*** I just had to give an update since I last posted. My husband and I decided to go ahead and lock in the interest rate for 7 more days and pay whatever we have to just to help alleviate some stress. When I talked to Laurie (mortgage gal) she said she had already done some phone calling on our behalf (there's more great customer service for you!) and the Builder is going to pay the $360 for us, understanding that the delay is not of our doing. I'll admit I burst into tears when I heard this. God is so mindful and I'm humbled once again as I'm reminded that He's aware of the details and is very much in the midst of the circumstances. Thank you, Lord for providing and blessing!

Inside Out

As I examine my face in the mirror I can see the toll that stress has taken on my skin. All those "tiny lines" I've had now seem like defined creases that won't diminish with repeated coverage of miracle skin cream. My skin has broken out in zits more in the last year than in previous years. Even my eyes seem to have lost their sparkle and seem dull to me. When I look in the mirror, I see someone that resembles me, but yet seems like a stranger.

Adding extra "stress" pounds doesn't help either. All of my hard work last year to shed almost 20 pounds has diminished as I have gained 15 back. UGH! I'm so mad that I have to repeat all that hard work. Yet somehow, in the midst of stress, the cravings for comfort food becomes overpowering. I'll admit I had reached a place in past months where eating good food was the only enjoyable, "fun" thing going on. Pretty sad state of affairs.

And yet, the stress continues. Slowly, yet for certain, I'm learning some important God-lessons from all of this. The two most prominent lessons are: God truly is able to sustain me and is faithful in the midst of extreme stress and uncertainty; and living in stress always requires faith and exercises my faith. My tendency is to want to find a way to cope with stress; figure out a way 'get through it' and make it palatable, even dull the pain or discomfort (such as in eating comfort food). My thinking is that if I grit my teeth long enough and plow through hard enough, then I'll get through it faster and "be done." If the situation can somehow become controllable or at the very least predictable, then it is easier to get through.

Being the type of person I am, I seem to always search for a "logical" reasoning to everything. No matter how difficult a situation is, if I can understand it--that is, if it is logical, reasonable, makes sense--then I feel I can have a better handle on the situation and get through it easier. When it is a situation totally out of my control and it doesn't seem to 'make sense', I can go a little bonkers. And, surprise, I have to exercise living by faith. Funny how that works. Funny that God knows that's how I work--and so he calls me to exercise faith more and more everyday. This is what He desires for me--what following Jesus is all about--living daily by faith. Not relying on what is predictable and controllable, but living life in a place where I am fully dependent only on the Lord for everything.

I was encouraged as I read a passage in scripture that speaks directly to living by faith and that this is evidence of the Lord actively working in me. I have known this...but to be reminded again, just when I needed it...was such a blessing (and again, a reminder that He KNOWS me!). It is easy in times of stress and uncertainty to throw oneself a pity party (I've had quite a few in recent months) , or wonder if God has taken a vacation, but if anything, it is the exact opposite. God is so up-close and personal. He is growing me, maturing me, building into me, not taking something away. It is the opposite of what I think is happening. As I see my outward self aging and showing signs of stress, my inward self is being built up and strengthened, renewed & regenerated, growing & being filled fuller with Him.

As I continue living by faith, looking to Him to be my comfort and His word to be my comfort food, I know that eventually the physical will follow--the pounds will come off, the blemishes will be less, and somehow I know the sparkle will return to my eyes.

Sweet 16

Happy Birthday

to our dear Miss H who is sweet 16 today!

She is such a joy and blessing to us.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30

This passage has been swirling through my mind quite a lot lately. I've been ruminating on it--meditating on it--this week.

As I read fellow bloggers thoughts, or exchange emails with a dear friend recovering from a severe illness (love you K!), or hear of loved ones recently diagnosed with cancer, or other's whose family members have recently passed away, and stories of many others who are living through hardships due to unemployment, displaced homes, broken marriages, and so forth, I can't shake off the heaviness--the burden--that comes with living this life. Still feeling the weight of recent losses and on-going trials myself , I continue to feel the weight, even the tug-o-war that we as believers encounter daily; the desire to be obedient and follow the Lord wherever he leads, stepping out in faith, wanting to grow in deeper intimacy with Him, confident of his ability and his faithfulness, all the while, experiencing the cost that comes from following and surrendering. More often than not, this "cost" comes in the form of pain or discomfort, sorrow or grief, separation or uncertainty. (I know--I'm sounding a bit doom and gloom. Certainly there are times of joy and exuberance as well.)

"Weary" and "burdened" are two adjectives that I have used to describe the last many months of my life. So believe me, this passage of scripture has had my attention for quite awhile now. Having heard these verses growing up, I had wondered how something seemingly so heavy and cumbersome as a yoke could be light and easy? A bit "ox"-ymoronic I thought. I appreciate these words so much more since I heard a radio pastor describe an "easy yoke." (Perhaps this is old news to many, but I find it refreshingly hopeful...)

In true "ox" terms, there is such a thing as an "easy yoke". This is a special yoke, custom-made for each animal that will be wearing the yoke. The yoke is fitted perfectly to the oxen so that it won't rub or irritate the neck and shoulders of each animal. In fact, it is finely sanded and smoothed to eliminate any kind of friction that would cause the animal(s) to become impaired by sores or callouses that in effect would slow them down while doing their work, or worse yet, cause the animal(s) to become useless because of injury. (I wonder if Jesus made "easy yokes" when he was a carpenter? ) Secondly, as was the custom with an "easy yoke" , a weaker animal would always be paired with a stronger, more experienced one. This way, the stronger animal would take the lead and yet, being shoulder to shoulder with the weaker one, would help carry the load. The weaker one would learn from the stronger one and in effect become stronger as well, but it's burden would be lighter because of the ox it was linked to.

What a wonderful calming picture of what Jesus invites me (us) into. I love the imagery. He asks me to take on his yoke; one that is "easy", made to fit me perfectly. This isn't a one-size-fits-all deal! He is so personal and knows me so intimately that he knows just how to make the yoke fit so it won't cause additional pain or impairment. I love the picture too, of being linked shoulder to shoulder with Jesus, yet, He being the stronger of the pair, is always a few steps ahead leading the way; all I have to do is follow and learn from him, while having my load lightened because it is being carried by someone stronger and wiser than me.

I have been finding rest and comfort in this image--in the truth--of coming to Jesus, taking on his yoke, leaning into Him, learning from Him, and allowing Him to lead; the load feels lighter, and I am finding a refreshment in my spirit even in the midst of uncertain circumstances.

Cruisin'

Gas and grocery prices being what they are these days, it seems despite our attempts to cut back, conserve, buy cheap and do without, my dollar doesn't seem to be stretching very far. We have cut a lot of "extras" out of our weekly expenditures, but it seems we're not really seeing the fruit of our prudent spending. Or maybe we are in that we actually do have gas and food money every week. We continue to eat and are able to commute to work, so I guess that says something.

I'll confess, I have been known to have a lead foot. Well, maybe that is extreme. I haven't had a 'need for speed' but rather, I just have always figured the "real" speed limit is at least 5-8 miles above what is posted. And it seems that majority of fellow motorist share the same notion. However, I'd like to publicly admit, I have seen the error of my ways and and am now committed to going the posted 55 MPH all in an effort to make my gas last longer and get the most mileage for my bucks. (Well, and it is the right thing to do, right?) And you know what? It actually works! I hop on the freeway for my daily commute to work, put my car in "cruise" mode at 55 and sip my coffee as a gazillion cars pass me! In my former commutes this would have bugged me and my impatience would have gotten the better of me, but now, since I'm actually seeing my gas is lasting longer, I have the satisfaction of knowing I'm being frugal with my gasoline.

Buying groceries has also taken on the characteristics of an adventure. I've always been an avid shopper at Winco, so not a lot of changes there, however, I've recently begun going back to our Grocery Store Outlet. I used to shop at this store years ago, and got out of the routine as the location was no longer convenient when we moved. However, back in proximity once again, I decided to go back and see what "deals" I could find. You really have to hunt, but there are some great prices; however, like all stores, you can find some items at a better price somewhere else.

My "big score" last week was finding 'big bag cereal' for $.99! And it was the kind my kids like!! Needless to say, we stocked up--and evidently everyone else did too, because when I went back two days later to get more, they were all out. We've tried a few other "finds" that didn't turn out to be so great tasting --so probably won't try them again--but the sense of adventure was part of the fun. And it wasn't a costly discovery in the big scheme of things.

These are just a couple of little ways we've been able to cut costs or make our resources last longer. Oh, I just had a flash back to when I was growing up. My Mom would mix regular milk with a pitcher of powdered milk & water (UGH!!) to make the milk last twice as long...Okay, I hope I'm never that desperate to have to do that! (Do they even sell powdered milk anymore?)

What do you do to make your dollars stretch? Please feel free to share with the rest of us!

Moving Forward

Since January, life has been in a constant mode of chaos, significant life changes, and transitions. Today, with the sun shining, sipping coffee, and the first day of summer break for the kids, I find myself breathing a huge sigh of relief and actually have an overwhelming sense of calm enveloping me.

With the events of past months I had become accustomed to 'putting my head down and plowing through' knowing that some things just had to be taken care of or completed whether I had the emotional and physical stamina for it or not. Getting to a place of being emotionally flat, so much of the requirements of life in the past months have been just that, requirements. Going to work, getting the kids out the door to school, transporting kids to church events, working with the mortgage company and house builder on an on-going house project, settling mothers' estates, going through boxes of "stuff", and on and on. There were days I would fall into bed, thankful for the relief of sleep, but wary of waking in the morning only to find another list of "have to's" waiting for me.

As we entered these last couple of weeks with the school year nearing it's end, I was anticipating being able to check off a few more 'have to's' on the checklist. While excited to see my son graduate, honestly, I was also glad to know that his senior year was coming to an end. There are a multitude of "senior" events that are crammed into a few short weeks, beginning with prom, choir tour, year-end choir performance and recognition of seniors, Senior report presentation and reception night, senior honors and awards ceremony, senior assembly, senior baccalaureate, senior barbecue, and finally, graduation. Once the graduation was over, I found myself getting a little excited knowing that we were almost "done".

My daughter "completed" 8th grade last week, and of course, the week was filled with final 8th grade events as well. These however, did not require nearly the same parental involvement as the senior events. As a parent, after doing 8th grade 4 times, I've become okay with the idea that everyone else's parents are 'way cooler' and 'way much more fun' than me; so I understand that my involvement in some of these events would not have been welcomed, but rather greeted with the 'rolling of the eyes' and instructions from my daughter for me to go home! She duly celebrated and "completed", looking darling and thoroughly embarrassed as we called her name out as she received her certificate. To cap it off, her brothers and father stood up and whistled, shouting her name as she passed. She was bright red, but beaming because she knew she was loved.

My oldest daughter was pleased to move over to the Junior section of the gym and for a brief week, be one of the upper class men as the seniors were no longer at school. She completed her year well and was glad to be done with PE and Spanish (class) "for life".

All that to say, school is out! And I have that little stream of excitement winding its way through my body that says we're continuing to move forward. As I told my daughter yesterday, I'm beginning to feel more like myself, a little more spunky and actually finding some things enjoyable again. The other night, I had my first dream where I was creating something--which is a sure sign that I'm coming out of the fog and feeling life return to my spirit.

Moving forward will also mean moving into our new house within the next 2 months--Lord willing. All of us are remaining a little reserved and not fully realizing we actually could be living in this house--it isn't a done deal until its a done deal (know what I mean?)--but we have had fun going by and checking on the progress. We recently received notice that it will be completed sooner than anticipated. We visited it over this past weekend, and, we have grass! And two trees!! The backyard will remain un-landscaped (until who knows when)and will be on our list of things to do once we're there--but the front yard, landscaping is all part of the package.

So, here I am, feeling some vitality creeping back into my body, feeling a little more like myself than I have for 5 months, and excited that I'm moving forward. These may seem like baby steps to some, but you have to start somewhere, right?