Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Taking a Break

Obviously it isn't still my birthday, so the need to post something--anything--has become evident. So here I am--posting--anything.

This is the extent of my blogging ability at the moment. Responsibilities, work, family, time, "life" are a priority right now, so with that in mind, I'm taking a break from blogging. I see it as one less pressure or 'need to do' on my mental list. I certainly will return to it when the passion to do so returns, and time permits.

Have a blessed Christmas season.

Monday, November 19, 2007

It's My Birthday!


I'm usually not one to shamelessly plug my own birthday, but call it a result of "maturing" or this "season" of life, or whatever, but I'm pretty much over that now, so...

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!!

Yep, 48 years ago I was born on this day. I know, I'm asking myself the same thing--how can it be 48 years already? I am continually amazed the years keep increasing while I still feel around early thirties on the inside. I don't know that I ever really thought I'd get to be "nearing 50". I mean, isn't this how old my grandparents were once? And wasn't my mother this age once?? It remains one of those mysteries of life that I don't think I'll ever fully wrap my head around.

Perhaps one of the reasons I'm writing a post about my birthday is because I'm no longer afraid of birthdays. Well, actually, I don't know that I've ever really "feared" birthdays, but I think I've resented them to some degree. Why do I have to get older just because the calendar says so?? However, my philosophy is changing. I'm seeing more of a need to celebrate the day of my birth and celebrate that God created me and gives me each day as a gift.

I know I've written a lot this past year about this season of life I'm in, and how "transitional" life feels and really is. Yet, in the midst of it all, I have seen God directly working, bringing peace, moving and leading. In the deep valleys He has continued to be faithful and good. Just this morning, I was reminded of God's presence in the "daily-ness" of my life. He is with me always. He is my strongest defender, protector and provider. I'm so thankful.

Recently, I was in a meeting where we were discussing the meanings of names and some of those present shared the meanings of their own names. I have to say that I couldn't remember what my name meant so I rushed home to look it up on the computer. I smiled as I read the meanings. 48 years ago, my parents named me Cheryl Jeanette which means, "Beloved" and "God is gracious". How true this has been in my life.

Thank you for creating me Lord. Thank you for this Happy Birthday day you have given me!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Thanksgiving

**This is a re-posting of a post from February of this year. It still rings true and seems fitting for this time of Thanksgiving. **

I'm so thankful that there is someone, a person, bigger than me, wiser than me, someone beyond me that I can put full dependence and trust in, someone who never disappoints or fails. I'm so thankful I know the True God who is my Creator, my Savior, my Hope.

I think of those times in the valleys when everything is so dark and murky and I can barely see the next step to take...He is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

I think of those times when life feels out of control and His presence brings a peace and calm that is beyond anything I could ever muster up. His peace passes all understanding.

I think of those times when grief or sorrow have settled over me like a heavy wool blanket, and He holds me in His arms, hugging me, comforting me, stroking my head with His strong Daddy hands, being my strength when I have none. When I am weak, He is strong.

I think of those times when the depth of joy I experience is so profound that to try and express it only seems to minimize it. I'm thankful there is One who celebrates and dances with me, singing over me.

I think of those times I feel so utterly alone even if I'm surrounded by people. Times when I wonder if anyone 'gets me' or intimately knows me, really. And I'm reminded that He knows my deepest heart's desires. He formed me in my mother's womb. He thinks about me all the time!

I think of those times when I feel hurt, angry, frustrated, or the angst inside of me is almost too much to put into words. He doesn't reject me or fear questioning. He welcomes me to talk to Him and seek His counsel. The Holy Spirit intercedes for me with groanings too deep for words.

I'm thankful that I have a Savior who daily redeems my life; this life that in and of itself seems futile at times, and of little meaning. Yet He redeems everyday to make it have worth, value, intention, purpose. He daily, increasingly, frees me up from those things that entangle me in this world, those things that are filled with self-importance, self-reliance and pride. As He faithfully, patiently, shows me all of my "stuff", a mysterious thing happens; I am able to love others deeper, have deeper peace, forgive more readily, have increasing faith, and my trust and dependence on Him grows stronger, my desire to know Him grows deeper.

I'm so thankful that I'm not all there is. I'm so thankful that there is One who is divine, sovereign, pure, real and personal. I'm thankful that he's made himself known to me.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

A Decision Has Been Reached

Thank you all for weighing in on my last post. It was interesting to read various thoughts and processes that go into decision making. It reminded me a lot of my "Critical Thinking and Decision Making" class from college. I loved that class. Maybe that just attests to how geeky I am. But I find the process interesting. In fact, "intellection" is something I value according to my strengths test. But I digress....

My decision about my two jobs was actually pretty much decided at the same time I posted my last entry. I decided to stay at the insurance office. After much prayer and request for discernment and wisdom, I had overwhelming peace about NOT taking the floral design job, and peace about staying put at the insurance office.

Aside from the obvious things that I had listed about the pros and cons of both jobs, I kept asking myself just how crazy will I be if I took the flower shop job? I didn't want to be a weenie and not take the flower job just because it seemed daunting on an emotional and mental level (and this was compounded by the fact that recently I'm reading the prophets in the Old Testament and their lives were filled with being called into places where they faced nothing but adversity for their entire lives!) but really wanted to be where I felt called to be...where the Lord would and could do the most good. Over and over again I felt His Spirit telling me that I didn't need to be adding stress and emotional exhaustion to my life, that my plate was full enough with family and other issues, but rather, I needed to keep things as calm and stable as possible.

This is not to say that I didn't have several days of disappointment and feeling like the air had been sucked out of me once I made my decision. I did. I had tasted the exhilaration of stepping foot out of the insurance office and into the land of creativity that beckoned me with an assortment of flowers that was a bit like walking into a candy store.

But, here I am. Praying for contentment at the insurance office while doing work that is not personally fulfilling, praying that the Lord will develop a real servant heart in me and teach me to be a good worker despite my surroundings and circumstances. I also am continuing to do wedding work "on the side" and am looking forward to the opportunity to create in the next couple of weeks.

I don't know why the Lord allows us to go through exercises like this--may not ever know--but I do trust that I learned more and am more teachable. It doesn't mean that I've stopped praying for something else. Oh, believe me, I'm still praying that He has something for me other than the insurance office. I still have hope for something more, still praying with anticipation, and assured that He is actively working...but thankful also for His provision and sovereignty.

Monday, November 05, 2007

What would you do?


Walk through this scenario with me and tell me what you would do.

I currently have a part-time job. Hours are M-Th, 6 hours each day. I do some occasional Friday work as well, but for the most part, 24 hours a week. I get to see my husband out the door to work, the kids off to school and am home when they get home. I earn a pretty decent hourly wage and there is great flexibility for time off if needed. There are Christmas bonuses and other perks throughout the year.

My employer is a Christian man with strong family values and for the most part, good ethics. He is usually kind and matter of fact, but never harsh or angry. There are the normal pressures of work that at times overflow to me, but for the most part, he is very easy going and pleasant.

The negatives of this job is the nature of the business; life and health insurance. Not only that, but it is life and health insurance for seniors, so the majority of my work is talking to insurance companies and trying to straighten out Medicare induced fiascoes for the seniors. At times talking to the seniors is a task in itself. They are just as confused by all of this stuff as I am...even more so!!

There is nothing creative about this job. It is mainly paper work, answering phones, and talking to insurance companies. It is a dead end job. This is as exciting as it will get. This is as much potential for personal growth as I will ever experience with this agency. I have "arrived."

Now, take a look at the opportunity presented to me a week ago:

I received a phone call from a prestigious flower shop that I had inquired with a month prior. They asked if I would come in for an interview. I went to an interview on Tuesday. As part of the "audition" for the job, I had to design something (this is standard practice for this kind of gig), and mid-designing, they hired me as one of their designers on the spot! I told them I would have to give my two week notice with my current employer, at which they said they would be happy to work with me on that.

What excites me about this position is the possibility of growth and the nature of the business. It is an upscale flower shop and closer to my home by 15 minutes compared to the insurance agency. This shop also does trendy, and "high design" type of work, all of which they said they would be happy to teach me. They didn't mind that my skills have not been "updated" for many years, and again said that they would be more than happy to bring me up to speed. Employment there would even include a yearly floral design seminar, completely paid for by them.

The negatives of this job are that I would be starting out $3.00 less an hour than what I am currently making at the insurance office. However, this is only "temporary" according to the shop. Being the "newbie" my hours would include 3 Saturdays a month (which interferes with my church-going time) and I would have to work the later shift during the week which means I would not get off work until around 6 or 7 in the evening. I would be working about 30 hours a week; full-time during holidays.

All of these things I was willing to work with and figure I was paying my dues for the opportunity, until this weekend when I worked both Saturday and Sunday. I was given new insight into how this shop functions.

They are indeed very busy and do BEAUTIFUL work. I would be fortunate to learn and grow under their instruction. Their skills far surpass anything I can currently create. However, I'm not certain I could work with the owner.

Initially, "M" seems like a very nice person. She is very soft-spoken and kind to her customers, and has consistently been nice to me--maybe because we are nearly the same age. But it was an eye opener seeing how she treats her employees. I honestly think she may be bi-polar, or something of that nature. No kidding, it was as if I was watching Dr. Jekyll and Mr(s.) Hyde. If an employee asked her how she wanted something displayed, she was angry and complained that she had to tell them "everything". But, when someone took initiative and worked on their own, she went into a tirade about how it wasn't getting done right and complaining about how she had to do it all herself. The other really disturbing thing is that she publicly berates her husband in front of the staff and verbally abuses him. It was so disturbing to me that I literally was getting sick to my stomach.

I tried to read the non-verbal clues from the other employees to see if this was the "norm" or an anomaly. It seemed as if it was the norm. No one dared to say any contrary word, or even speak unless spoken to. Everyone seemed to be walking on egg shells. I'm certain the facade she holds up for me would fade quickly once I was there all the time.

So, this is my dilemma: Do I actually leave my non-creative, dead-end office job at the insurance company with a boss that is a Believer, kind and flexible, for the creative, potentially growth-producing (both personally and skill-wise) job with the unpredictable, verbally abusive owner, where I would be the only Believer in the shop and probably emotionally exhausted from the tension?

I still have a window to work in. As it is, I have not been replaced at the insurance office. We are beginning interviews later this week; and, I am only working on Saturdays at the flower shop until my full two weeks are up with my current employer, which will put us at November 16.

My head is in a swivet. Thoughts swirling about--confusion galore--is this from God? Where is He leading? Is this a matter of being light in the darkness? Of going out into the world and being salt? Of....okay enough cliches--But really, does this play into the decision? Is it time to get out of the comfort zone? Or should I take notice of the tears that ran down my cheeks as I came home from the flower shop the other day. Was this just disappointment? Was it due to exhaustion and working 7 days straight with no break in sight until day 13? Or was it clarity about what the actual work conditions will be at the flower shop and the emotional stress that would come with it?

So, again I ask, what would you do? I really would like to know. Currently I'm employed two places...which do I let go of? Let me know what you would do, and then I'll let you know what I did... (!)