Sword Work

It is such a journey when one decides to truly follow the Lord wherever He leads, especially when things get scary and dark. My every tendency inside of me is to run the other direction and head for safe, familiar shelter, surrounded by people and things that bring comfort.

As the Lord has been leading this year, I'm understanding that following him is rarely comfortable or 'safe'. Because he desires me to grow and become increasingly more like him, he is allowing more opportunities for refinement, which always involves trusting, following and obeying a little more--or a lot--each time. What I have been experiencing more of recently is the task of putting His Word into action--seeing his Word lived out in my life in everyday situations as well as serving others or ministering to others. In years past it has been easy to read scripture as nothing more than words of encouragement, or a "how to guide" on how to live a Christian life, but believing whole-hearted that His Word is alive and relevant for every situation, every event, every thing in life I encounter, I have been asking Him to show me and to teach me more about living daily life this way, also asking that he would grow me in discernment and wisdom that comes from being obedient. And He is being good to me and faithful in doing just that!

As I have worked at turning to Him first for instruction and leading (not to others such as friends, family, ministers, etc.) He has been clear and decisive. I haven't always been able to "see" it right away, but as I have continued to pray through things, asking for 'ears to hear and eyes to see' and as I read scripture, it continually becomes clearer. I am learning and growing in this area. This is all part of the mystery of Christ. How the Holy Spirit can work in me to give me understanding is beyond what I can fathom. How the Lord can change my heart and mind to be in tune with His, is amazing, and not something I can just "will" myself to do.

So often I want to know how something is going to turn out before I make any decisions, before I follow the Lord to where He is leading. I'll confess, I have long wanted to see the whole map, and am resistant to just doing the next step in front of me, however, the Lord wants me to learn to trust Him in each single step. (I mean really, what would make me think I would trust Him with the whole map if I'm resistant to obeying him in just taking one step?) He wants me to rely on Him, He wants me to be in relationship with Him where he can teach, lead, guide, hold my hand, and I in turn learn to love Him more fully. He loves me perfectly; I'm the one who needs to learn how to love Him--and it takes a lifetime of dying to pride, humbling myself, walking with him and learning from Him. Oswald Chambers said it best in My Utmost for His Highest when he wrote, "discernment follows obedience." I would have to say that from how the Lord has been teaching me, this has been true. When I have stepped out in faith, obeyed the Lord in what He was asking me to do, often he has allowed me to then catch a glimpse of what He is doing in the big scheme of things, or see how that act of obedience was integral to something else. I know the Lord doesn't need me to accomplish what He wants to do, but he invites me to be a part of it, as a blessing to me.

Oh, I'm rambling on--but my heart and head have been so full. My dear Lord has been so good to my family and to me as we have had to make some very difficult decisions and have had to continually trust him with some very hard situations. Trusting in His Word, that is alive and active, believing that we are to walk in truth and in His light, clinging to Him, He has been so faithful--to all of us.

Hebrew 4: 12-16
For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any
double‑edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and
marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in
all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare
before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Therefore, since we
have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of
God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a
high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who
has been tempted in every way, just as we are–yet was without sin. Let us then
approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and
find grace to help us in our time of need.

Pass

It's amazing what results can be obtained when one has the right information!

After intensely studying this past week, new course information, terms and laws as they pertain to health insurance, I re-took (is that a real word?) the state licensing exam on Friday. What relief I felt when I saw "PASS" in the results section. Whew! It is so nice to be done with the studying part of things.

This morning I checked with department of insurance and my license has been issued. So, I'm official. Never would I have imagined I'd be a licensed health insurance agent. What can I say--it is a mystery to me, but not to God. I'll just trust him with this piece of the puzzle.

68%

"Well, Mom, now you know how it feels!"

This was my daughter's response when I told her I had failed my health insurance licensing exam this past Tuesday. At the time, she was consoling and even commiserated with me, telling me that she knew it didn't feel good to fail a test of any kind. Encouraging me, she told me I'd do better next time and inquired if I knew what parts of the test I needed to work on (just like I have asked her when she's done poorly on a test). Our roles truly had been reversed!

I have been studying for my health insurance license throughout the summer. This isn't really the career move I was looking for, or even one I have aspired to, but it is a door the Lord has clearly opened that I know I need to obediently walk through. In earlier postings I have stated how much I've wanted to get out of the insurance world and change paths, yet, here I am become more entrenched than ever. It is a bit of a mystery to me, really. My employer asked me in the spring if I would consider getting licensed in health insurance so that I could be the case worker to our Medicare clients. At the time he asked, I was mid-mothers-dying and couldn't even digest what this would mean. My boss gave me space and asked me to think about it.

In June we discussed the matter more fully and talked about what it would look like. At that time, my family was about a month from moving into a new house, so the increase in income and bonuses would be a welcomed thing. Also, my heart and attitude had been changing toward the whole realm of Medicare and seniors after my experience with my mom. I have seen the Lord really develop the passion of advocacy and help for this group of people that more than ever, need someone to come alongside them and help them with so many decisions and confusing nuances of health care at this age. And that is what has brought me to getting my health insurance license.

On Tuesday of this past week, I went for my state exam. It is a 100 question test for which they allow 2 hours to complete. I had been preparing for this exam by logging in more than 20 hours with a state-approved pre-licensing course online. A certificate of completion from this course is required by the state before they'll even allow you to take the final exam. With certificate in hand, and after passing the pre-licensing exam with a 96%, I felt pretty confident that I would be able to pass the official exam well above the minimum 70% that was required for passing.

Sitting down in my cubical in front of the computer monitor, I felt a little nervous, but not too nervous. The test screen came on and I began. I was able to answer the first couple of questions with no problem. Then I realized I began "marking" the next several questions, flagging them so I could return to them later and answer them. Midway through the test, my stomach was in knots and I was seriously anxious; more and more of the questions didn't make sense to me. I didn't recall ever studying some of the issues that were referred to, or recognize the terms that were being used. A good portion of the test covered information that wasn't even a part of my study course! How could this be??

Pushing the "submit test" button, my heart jumped and I couldn't bear to look at the final score, but finally did. "FAILED" was written boldly in the "Grade" section. My score was 68%--just two correct answers away from passing. With my mind swirling, and desiring to get out of the testing center as fast as possible, I quickly gathered my things from the issued locker, waited from my print out of the test results from test administrator and walked to my car in disbelief. Not only did I feel like a failure, but I also had that feeling that this was some kind of nightmare-ish scenario. You know, those dreams we've all had where you sit down to take a test or have a pop quiz on something that you've never even studied for. That is how I felt.

I drove back to the office, thankful that my boss is out of town for the week. At least I knew I wouldn't have to deal with his inquisition--at least not yet. Sitting down at my desk, I checked my email as is my custom when I get into the office each day, and there was a note from a co-worker, S, who works for the brother of my employer, at his insurance office in Eastern Oregon. S had taken her health insurance exam a month prior and passed with flying colors...so the pressure was on me to do as well as her. S's email was a note of encouragement meant to be received prior to the exam. She said it was pretty easy, that I would probably have no problem whatsoever and that the test was very much like the test in our course work. When I read her note I really felt dumb! I didn't think the test was anything like the practice tests in our course work...how could this be?? (Another Twilight zone moment).

I wrote back to S and explained I had failed the test, shared my thoughts about how there were whole sections that I hadn't even studied because they weren't included in our course work, etc. I told her my experience was totally different than hers and wondered how she had done so well? After receiving my email, she immediately called me, apologizing. She was feeling badly in that she had neglected to tell me she had changed courses several months ago. Initially, S and I had enrolled in the same online pre-licensing course. We had compared notes on the course and even though there were some glitches, it seemed good. What did we know? It was state-approved, and covered information that we were new to. However, S was continuing to have computer problems with her coursework and since she was a month or two ahead of me in her studies, she was caught in the middle of an update process by the company that offered the class, which deleted a section of information and so forth. I was oblivious to these issues as I had not encountered any problems with them. So, all that said, S contacted the company, demanded a refund and went with another online course that was more expensive, but, evidently, covered everything in much more detail; even their sample tests were almost identical to the state exam.

That pieces were falling into place. Clearly, she had received much better course work and preparation than I had, and it showed in the outcome of the exam. With this new information, I felt a little less stupid. In the licensing exam, I received 100% on the sections that I had studied for, but miserably failed in the sections that weren't even covered in my pre-licensing course work. I didn't have a chance, and at least now, I knew why.

Going forward from here, I need to do more studying and preparing. S has given me her log in information so that I can go through the same course that she did, making sure to get all the information I need to fill in the gaps. I've already worked through sections of the course and it is amazing how different--and complete--this course is compared to the one I used. The sample tests are in the same format as the state exam and some of the questions are identical to those on the test. Perhaps the most gratifying part is that I am encountering so much NEW information--things that were not included in the course I went through--so it feels a bit redeeming.

I'm not sure what the moral of this story is. I have to continue studying (ugh!) for a test in a field of employment that is not really my passion, yet seems to be where God is leading. Perhaps a word of caution as well; just because the state approves an on-line course, does not mean that all on-line courses are created equal--or accurate. And, it seems to be true--you get what you pay for. So, the next time you are logging in your 20 hours of pre-licensing coursework in preparation for your health insurance license...don't say you weren't warned!

The Return of Singing

I've missed singing. I haven't sung for a long time now. It's not because there hasn't been an opportunity, it's just because I haven't had a song in me. My husband and I stepped down from worship team over a year ago (? is that right?) for lots of different reasons, mostly because the pressures and issues of "life" were weighing heavy on us and our time and emotional reserves were being depleted. Since that time, I have found it difficult to sing just because this past year and all it has held has taken it out of me. I've still worshiped, but it has been much more "quiet" for me.

Yes, I've missed singing, at least until recently when I caught myself belting out some worship song while I was doing some house work. I was surprised and delighted all at once--not at the beauty of my voice (that's for sure)-- but rather at the realization that my spirit is feeling lighter and joy-filled these days. Singing, for me, is a natural expression of what's going on in my spirit.

In recent months I've tried to sing to the CD's I play in my car and have tried to sing in the church service, but even that has proved to be difficult for me. I'm so thankful that the singing has returned. I've missed this form of worship that emanates out of the very core of my being. I think this is a sure sign that I'm healing and recovering from "life. Thank you, Lord.

Yard Sale Follow Up

My husband and I had a garage sale this past weekend. Our goal was to clean out, lighten the load and free up some space. We had acquired a lot of "stuff"over the last few years, and most recently, more items from both sides of our families when our mother's passed away this spring. I realized that the last time I was involved in a garage sale, or yard sale, was two years ago--almost to the date--when my mother had a large yard sale. (As a brand new blogger at that time, it was the subject of one of my first blog entries: Anatomy of a Yard Sale.) She had her sale to get rid of as many of her unused household items as possible in an attempt to 'get her things in order' before she succumbed to the cancer that had taken over her body. It amazes me that it has been 2 years--and Mom is now in Heaven.

There is something so cathartic about having a garage sale. Seeing pieces of heavy furniture that we "inherited" (aka "castoffs that couldn't be unloaded on siblings) being carted away by a new owner who actually paid us for it (!) was liberating. The space that has been created in our garage by purging so many unwanted and unnecessary things is almost... inspiring. We find ourselves enjoying the possibility of the space; how can the space be used to its maximum potential?

This same garage-sale-process is not unlike what the Lord has been doing in my life. Many months ago, just about the time Mom was in the process of dying, it was impressed upon me that the Lord was taking me through a time of being 'freed up'. I don't know how else to say it, but He gave me the understanding that He was going to be setting me free--from what, I didn't know--but that it was for my benefit, even though pain would be involved. Which, when you think about it is always a part of being set free. Whether it is making the painful decision to sell a "treasure" in a garage sale, or taking shackles off from around your ankles (real or figuratively speaking) , there is always some kind of discomfort involved.

My next statement may seem heartless, even cruel and unloving to some, but it is true for me; there is a sense of freedom that comes when a parent dies. I know, I know... how horrible that I would actually dare utter that! But, being purely pragmatic here for a moment, think about it; it (the death of one's parent) is now a known thing. For my husband and I, we no longer have to wonder what it will look like down the road when we may be called upon to care for our aging parents, nor do we have to wonder how they will die, when, and so forth. Since both sets of parents are deceased, we know we are done with the "sandwich years." We also don't have to "do" any more deaths in regard to our parents. We've done that, and have survived. (I remember thinking as a child how horrible it would be to have my parents die. It was unfathomable to me.) That chapter of our lives is completed, freeing up parts of the future for possibilities.

With my mother passing, it also meant the end of a relationship that had its sticky spots. I have no doubt my mother loved me as best she could and she was the best mother she could be to the 4 of us kids, but she was also a woman with deep wounds from throughout her life that affected all of her relationships, including those with her children and grandchildren. Even though I thoroughly understand/understood how many of these obstructions to relating were constructed, it didn't make things any easier; I still longed to experience that mother/daughter bond that others seemed to have had. This relationship remained illusive throughout most of my life until the last few weeks of my Mom's life when we spent some precious time together, sharing and loving without barriers. Those days were clearly a gift from the Lord to me; and today, I feel set free. I feel "freed up" to go foreword, released from that relationship.

There have been a few other areas that the Lord has "freed up"--some very unexpectedly--and all have involved loss and even grieving in some way. How the freed up space will be used, I'm not certain. I don't know yet how He intends to use this post-garage-sale life, but the first step of purging and cleaning out is being completed. Right now, I'm enjoying the possibilities of the newly created space.