You know you're in a new place of life when the book of Ecclesiastes begins making sense!
In a conversation with my husband yesterday, we talked about the flood of thoughts, fears, emotions and apprehensions that have crept into life as we celebrate birthdays this next month and head deeper into our 50's. Admittedly, we are stunned at how quickly half of our lives have passed, seemingly in a blink of the eye, and the remaining years are fewer than what we've lived to date. (I know...sounds so morose.)
We find ourselves challenged by the next 20-30 years (hopefully) and wonder, dare I say 'petition' the Lord, as to how He wants to, or even can, use us to further His purpose and be part of His story in the time we live in. Admittedly, it is hard for us to 'see' what that may be, but we have faith and confidence that He is able to do it....but our faith and confidence wane from time to time. The pressures of the more immediate make it difficult to keep our eyes on the goal so-to-speak.
This past week or so-- no, back that up to the last month--the daily pressures of life, accompanied by 'life' itself have been building up inside of me. Some of the pressures are good, such as when my manager asked me to be part of a 2-person team to write a 'playbook' for an account that will be distributed to other service providers in the state as a guide. It is great knowing someone has confidence in my ability and appreciates my understanding for the account, experience, and so forth, but then again, one more thing has been added to my "To Do" list, with a very short deadline in sight.
Another part of this equation is that as children grow, their problems go from being child-like issues, to that of adult, potentially life-changing issues. As parents, we're always parents, and so we find ourselves walking the fine line; walking alongside them, ready to hold on to them if needed, supporting and guiding, yet letting them walk on their own and navigating this part of the journey independently. But it all takes energy--lots of emotional and spiritual energy--and I'll confess, it can be exhausting at times as each of them are daily, very present in my thoughts and prayers.
Wanting to continue to grow in the Lord and live a life that is purposeful, for Him, is also a 'pressure' of sorts, or at least a desire that continually stirs and drives me. I am challenged by the idea of being more connected in my 'community'--whatever that may be. It my be my work community, my neighborhood, the circle of friends I have on FB or wherever; but the desire that has been placed in me is relentless. How or what does this look like? What are the opportunities that I have everyday to show others Christ; to let them know of the love He has for them; for sharing the Hope that I have and the only real sure thing to cling to in this life? Again, this is a very positive thing, but a 'pressure' of sorts that layers my body with emotions, questions, and a mental puzzle that I work on almost daily.
The relief valve gave way last night. I'm so thankful for the relief that comes in the form of tears; a release of the pressure that has been building; a way for the angst, fears and desires for control to be released.
In church last night, as worship in song was taking place, I sat quietly praying, asking and seeking the Lord's word to me in the midst of the noise of life. I handed him my fears, my angst, my anger, my joys, my hurts, my insecurities, my pride, the 'unknowns', the pain (mine and that of others), my many 'roles' in life--wife, mother, friend, employee, mentor--and even whatever His purpose for me is in the grand scheme of things.
As I produced a mental picture of piling everything into a large basket and handing it over to Him, I confessed that I felt I was drowning under the weight of everything and that I knew I couldn't continue juggling everything on my own. (I have this tendency to do that. And usually find myself back at this place from time to time.) It has all just been too much. I couldn't see to the other side of anything...just the road block that was so present in front of me...the obstacles that just seem too big, too difficult, too much.
In a moment that was clearly divine, a very real, technicolor picture filled my mind; God parting the Red Sea. With that came these thoughts: the children of Israel had fears and were being chased by far worse enemies than I have; when they came to the edge of the Red Sea, they had run out of "road" or a clear path to travel on, they probably also felt that there was no place to go and couldn't see beyond what was in front of them; and best of all, when God parted the Red Sea for them, they walked on dry land through the middle of that obstacle.
What a 'word' from the Lord! All I can say is, Wow! God doesn't "muddy" things, or only half-way do things. When he 'directs our paths' we'll know; I have to keep looking and trusting. In the midst of 'life' chasing us, He will make a way.
He will make a way for me.
Thank you, Lord!
