If It's Too Loud, You're Too Old

This week, I was introduced to Guitar Hero. Santa brought the kids the PS2 game along with two "guitar" controllers. Can I just say, this momma is lovin' rock and roll and is jammin' with the likes of Slash! Miss "H" and I were up way too late last night playing as a team, rockin' out, having a great time--although I think she was laughing at me more than with me!

I'm proud to announce that on a individual player level, I'm moving on from the "easy" category and heading into "Medium" difficulty--ready to start using that blue button!

Rock On!

WISHING YOU ALL A JOYOUS CHRISTMAS

And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, "Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this [shall be] a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger." And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. "

And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us. And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger. Luke 2: 7-16

Life in the Sandwich Shop

One of the "messy" things about life at this point in time is that we truly are living the "sandwich" life; we are still caring for and raising our children, while at the same time, caring for and taking care of our parents.

Both of our mothers are widows and have failing health. My mother-in-law is 18 years older than my own mother and has had health issues for the past 10 years. She has had many 'near death' episodes and each time we are convinced that 'this is it'. She amazes me--amazes everyone-- as she readily bounces back and recovers and keeps going. She is, however, getting tired and even last month after the latest hospital stay said she was ready to be done.

My mother, as I've mentioned previously, is fighting cancer. She has been having chemo for the past year and had been responding really well and feeling really good--showing improvement actually. However, in the last two months, she has been declining rapidly, and almost daily we can see changes in her energy and mental status. She commented to me yesterday that she wondered how much longer she would be around at the rate she was deteriorating. We are beginning to wonder if she'll make it to Christmas. (Yeah, that bad...)

What I'm discovering as we live life in this mom "sandwich" is that there is no recipe. The contents may be similar, but a little different. For example, everyone may have cheese on their sandwich, but the difference may be that one is cheddar and the other provolone. So to have a cookie cutter approach to living and dealing with aging parents and their health issues is a little dicey! It truly is figuring things out as you go. When you're working with a factor such as health that can change at any given moment, you have to be prepared for any and all scenarios.

Then there are the condiments (to continue with the sandwich analogy); all the emotions and mental stresses that lace this sandwich. No one tells you about the condiments...other than it is stressful. There are layers of emotions to deal with...not just the obvious emotions of loss, but the emotions of others as they deal with the stress too. We each have continual interaction with our siblings (which can be stressful and emotion-filled), but now, I have received phone calls from my mother's friends, as have my siblings. They are trying to deal with the impending loss of their friend, my mother, and are grasping at straws, or, as has been the recent case, questioning our level of involvement with our mother and insinuating that they care more about her than we do, etc.. We have had some ask if we kids are doing anything to help our mother because she seems like she's getting so sick, so quickly. ('Are we making sure she's eating? Surely she would have more energy if she just ate more. You need to be checking in on her more. She says she hasn't seen you in weeks. ((**Hello!!! I saw her yesterday .... Reminder...mental confusion at work here!!!...she often doesn't remember what she did the day before!!)) But again, it has been recommended by her friends that if she just ate better, she probably would be thinking better....) Okay, that was truly a rant and obvious hot button for me right now...

Feeling like a sandwich is not fun. It isn't easy, yet many do it all the time, every day. We didn't think we would do it...didn't plan on it or want to do it...yet it is what we're called to do out of love, respect and responsibility to our mothers. It is tricky business. Perhaps these honest feelings and thoughts are not the sort of stuff some may think are "appropriate" to share so openly, but this is real life. This is the kind of thing we should be sharing with one another. I share these things not to just rant and rave (although I did just a wee bit), but to give some friendly counsel. While there is still time, talk to your parents. Ask them to get things in order or help them to do so while they are healthy and of sound minds. Talk to them about their plans and their wishes. Be informed about their insurance and their finances--and keep pressing them even if you initially encounter resistance. We really thought we had more time with our Mom and believed her when she said things were taken care of. As it turns out, we're almost too late and have discovered things are not as they should be. Don't put it off...

Such is life in the sandwich shop.

The Love Language of Flowers

I just had to give a quick note on how the Lord has ministered since my last post. I have felt the prayers of many this week as I have had a blanket of peace over me. Circumstances and the messiness of life haven't changed, but I have had an anticipation in the Lord. He has shown me several times this week, in very small, "quiet" ways that he is present and aware of all that is going on.

A particular blessing has been preparing and designing wedding flowers for a special couple whose wedding is Friday night. Of course I knew I would be making bouquets, boutonnieres and corsages, but I had not anticipated how uplifting it would be to my spirit. Not only has creating been nurturing, but I have found it to be a wonderful time of worship.

When I picked up the flowers from the flower market and saw the assortment of colors and textures I was once again overwhelmed with the beauty of God's creation. I never cease to be amazed at the hues, the structure and scent of these wonderful beauties we call flowers. And to think I get to put them together in groupings that will somehow enhance the beauty of a wedding! How great is that?

Last night as I began the long 2 day process of creating, not only was I infused with new found energy, but I found myself caught up in worship, thinking about the Lord, praying and even singing songs to Him, thankful for how intimately he knows me that he would use flowers to minister to me. He truly speaks my love language.

Real Life / Real Mess

I know-- my self-imposed "taking a break" from blogging has lasted less than a week as I sit here writing another post. I woke up with many things on my brain this morning, deciding that perhaps "making" myself blog is exactly what I needed to do.

Blogging is one of those weird things in life. I mean, really, isn't blogging in and of itself a little weird; open journaling for the world to see, sharing and posting thoughts, feelings and revelations out into cyber space? Yet, there is a draw to do so. Talk to any blogger and they'll tell you so. It may be sporadic, it may be scheduled, but whatever it is it is a ....calling. Maybe blogging comes from a deep seated need for validation? (No, it takes one negative comment to pop that bubble real quick!) ...maybe a need for affirmation or an occasional response that affirms the blogger is on the right track? I don't know...but here I am again...blogging.

What urged me to blog today was the Lord. (I know, many of you may have rolled your eyes at that moment as a reaction to spiritualizing blogging!) But really, I was reminded in my spirit of something the Lord had placed on me over a year ago when I started this blog. I need to share my life with others, and the work the Lord is doing in it. Even the heading of my blog reflects this: "Ponderings: Thoughts about living real life as a real follower of Jesus....and other things to ponder."

Years ago I felt the call on my life to be a "real" Believer. This probably was developed by growing up in a very conservative church, filled with Believers who worked hard at looking like perfect Christians on the outside, yet pretty shallow and empty on the inside. Legalism (Christianity is more about "dos" and "don'ts" than relationship and freedom) was something I was taught early on, although never overtly and never with this title. This was a generation of church people who were teaching what they had been taught, living how they had been told to live. I never developed a dislike for these people or my church, but rather through the years, compassion has taken root for these dear ones that were deceived into thinking that if they were Believers, their lives should look pretty good, they should look good, everything about them should look "good" and put together. I have felt so sad for them that they had missed out on what the fullness of grace has to offer.

This "calling" on my life comes from dealing with my own messiness of life and catching a glimpse of the fullness of God's grace. I know I haven't reached the boundaries of that grace yet--but if anything, that is what drives me further to 'hang on' and keep pushing forward. I want to finish strong and drink of the Lord more deeply, know Him more intimately, experience Him more fully.

Personally, when life gets heavy and I am feeling hard-pressed, I begin to withdraw. I know part of it is my self-protect mode; the less contact I have with others, the less chance for unwanted "counsel" or input or uneducated remark. But even more than that, being a relational-type person, I find that it takes enormous amounts of energy to be engaged with others. My brain doesn't just shut off or go into auto pilot. My spiritual gifting is mercy and encouragemet so the very fiber of my being is focused on others and what their needs are. Is there anything I can do for them? What do I need to be praying for them, etc. It can be very draining especially when I am already drained from the circumstances of my own life and needing my own well to be filled.

So why am I sharing this with you? Because I am in withdrawal mode. I want to build a cocoon around myself and just hunker down. I find it increasingly more difficult to go to church weekly as I feel "alone" when I'm there. I have withdrawn myself from a creative group because I don't have the energy or creativity to do that right now; because of my work schedule, I withdrew from a women's group a few years ago and have never replaced that with any other kind of "group". I don't have any other outside interests or activities right now because realistically there aren't enough hours in the day, nor do I have energy to do that. I'm mentally, emotionally and spiritually fatigued.

I see my "withdrawal" happening. My first reaction is to self-intervene and work at not breaking ties with others, yet, I find myself asking if this really isn't necessary? Perhaps this really is an appointed time with the Lord. Isolation is often thought of as an "unhealthy" alternative, yet at the same time, reserving energy and being alone with the Lord, turning to Him and having intense alone time with Him IS good, it IS desirable. It is Biblical. And this is what my heart is feeling...is being drawn to. Time alone, with the Lord, without all the "noises" from the world.

However, going back to what is one of the callings placed on my life, I understand the need to be "real" about life and share that openly. I know that anything in the Lord's hands can be used. I know that we are responsible to do what He has called us to, even when we don't understand it. I know that we learn the lessons in the process not in the outcome, and so, here I am sharing life.

So, here's a news flash for you...my life is a mess. I'm a mess. But this is the "real life" that God has allowed me to live in. This is the life He has for me. (Before anyone goes there...let me just state for the record, this "mess" is not self-imposed. I would be the first one to get the plank out of my eye.) This is real-life mess in almost every area of life that when faced with it, every fiber of one's being says "get me outta here", but God says, "I'm here to walk through it with you. Will you trust me?" This is the kind of mess that makes it fully understandable why people turn to vices or how one becomes an addict. Looking for that escape is so easy, but hunkering down, looking only to the Lord and putting one step in front of the other is hard work. Draining work.

Last night I went to church and several asked the courteous, "How are you?" I think a couple asked out of habit and obligation, but another asked because they cared. However, to all I responded, "Fine." This was more for their sake than mine. Why burden someone else with this mess? And besides, some of the "messiness" is very personal relationship-oriented stuff not okay to talk about with someone outside of my family, or another issue has potential major ramifications outside of my family and I can only discuss this with a select few, or in other areas of mess, there are just too many details to give if there is to be any kind of real understanding. So, "fine" works.

I will say there are blessings in the midst of the messes of life. I'm so thankful the Lord gives these grace gifts to keep me going. As recently as the last two weeks, our oldest son moved back home. I know, many of you didn't know he hadn't been living at home! Well, he's back and is working with his dad this peak season as his "helper" at UPS. Having "A" home again introduces a new collection of stresses, but ultimately, it is a good thing as we see him continually make better life choices and an increasing desire to follow the Lord.

My mother's health and mental faculties are diminishing quickly as she seems to be losing her battle against cancer. Just in the last month and a half we have seen her go from someone with a sharp mind and enough physical strength to go on outings, to someone who has real bouts of confusion and nonsensical talk, and increasing weakness. (The oncologist told her and us that this may happen as her liver function declines.) Being pushed about in a wheel chair at the mall for 2 hours last weekend proved to be too much for her as she barely had strength to walk a few feet to the car.

Oh, yeah, the praise part! Yesterday, the Lord arranged a time for my 3 siblings and myself to get together with mom. We openly and honestly talked about everything with Mom. We discussed her burial wishes, her memorial service, finances, located her important papers and divided up tasks between the 4 of us children. The amazing thing was that the presence of God was obvious. This is not easy, "fun" stuff to deal with, yet everyone was 'in the zone' and able to discuss things without being clouded by emotions. There was a peace present that you know can only come from the Lord. Even for Mom, she was peaceful, mentally "present" and able to really share her feelings. I'm so thankful for this divinely appointed time. We will all be taking on some more responsibilities concerning Mom, but we are all in agreement and closer than before. God is so good to meet us in the valley of the shadow of death.

I may withdraw for a time, but only because life is much more active and hectic than usual. I need to reserve my strength and walk closer with the Lord and not become distracted by outside noise. I may say "fine" when asked how I'm doing, but I'm not. This is an intense time. I'm in a whirlpool of emotions and stresses. I feel like I'm climbing a mountain that doesn't seem to have a summit. I'm clinging to the Lord, pleading with Him for an escape, yet I hear Him whisper to me, "No, I'm going to walk with you through this; and because I love you so much, I want to refine you more."

So, these are my ponderings about life. My real life as a real follower of Jesus. A real life filled with mess.

Taking a Break

Obviously it isn't still my birthday, so the need to post something--anything--has become evident. So here I am--posting--anything.

This is the extent of my blogging ability at the moment. Responsibilities, work, family, time, "life" are a priority right now, so with that in mind, I'm taking a break from blogging. I see it as one less pressure or 'need to do' on my mental list. I certainly will return to it when the passion to do so returns, and time permits.

Have a blessed Christmas season.

It's My Birthday!

I'm usually not one to shamelessly plug my own birthday, but call it a result of "maturing" or this "season" of life, or whatever, but I'm pretty much over that now, so...

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!!

Yep, 48 years ago I was born on this day. I know, I'm asking myself the same thing--how can it be 48 years already? I am continually amazed the years keep increasing while I still feel around early thirties on the inside. I don't know that I ever really thought I'd get to be "nearing 50". I mean, isn't this how old my grandparents were once? And wasn't my mother this age once?? It remains one of those mysteries of life that I don't think I'll ever fully wrap my head around.

Perhaps one of the reasons I'm writing a post about my birthday is because I'm no longer afraid of birthdays. Well, actually, I don't know that I've ever really "feared" birthdays, but I think I've resented them to some degree. Why do I have to get older just because the calendar says so?? However, my philosophy is changing. I'm seeing more of a need to celebrate the day of my birth and celebrate that God created me and gives me each day as a gift.

I know I've written a lot this past year about this season of life I'm in, and how "transitional" life feels and really is. Yet, in the midst of it all, I have seen God directly working, bringing peace, moving and leading. In the deep valleys He has continued to be faithful and good. Just this morning, I was reminded of God's presence in the "daily-ness" of my life. He is with me always. He is my strongest defender, protector and provider. I'm so thankful.

Recently, I was in a meeting where we were discussing the meanings of names and some of those present shared the meanings of their own names. I have to say that I couldn't remember what my name meant so I rushed home to look it up on the computer. I smiled as I read the meanings. 48 years ago, my parents named me Cheryl Jeanette which means, "Beloved" and "God is gracious". How true this has been in my life.

Thank you for creating me Lord. Thank you for this Happy Birthday day you have given me!

Thanksgiving

**This is a re-posting of a post from February of this year. It still rings true and seems fitting for this time of Thanksgiving. **

Thankful I'm Not All There Is

I'm so thankful that there is someone, a person, bigger than me, wiser than me, someone beyond me that I can put full dependence and trust in, someone who never disappoints or fails. I'm so thankful I know the True God who is my Creator, my Savior, my Hope.

I think of those times in the valleys when everything is so dark and murky and I can barely see the next step to take...He is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

I think of those times when life feels out of control and His presence brings a peace and calm that is beyond anything I could ever muster up. His peace passes all understanding.

I think of those times when grief or sorrow have settled over me like a heavy wool blanket, and He holds me in His arms, hugging me, comforting me, stroking my head with His strong Daddy hands, being my strength when I have none. When I am weak, He is strong.

I think of those times when the depth of joy I experience is so profound that to try and express it only seems to minimize it. I'm thankful there is One who celebrates and dances with me, singing over me.

I think of those times I feel so utterly alone even if I'm surrounded by people. Times when I wonder if anyone 'gets me' or intimately knows me, really. And I'm reminded that He knows my deepest heart's desires. He formed me in my mother's womb. He thinks about me all the time!

I think of those times when I feel hurt, angry, frustrated, or the angst inside of me is almost too much to put into words. He doesn't reject me or fear questioning. He welcomes me to talk to Him and seek His counsel. The Holy Spirit intercedes for me with groanings too deep for words.

I'm thankful that I have a Savior who daily redeems my life; this life that in and of itself seems futile at times, and of little meaning. Yet He redeems everyday to make it have worth, value, intention, purpose. He daily, increasingly, frees me up from those things that entangle me in this world, those things that are filled with self-importance, self-reliance and pride. As He faithfully, patiently, shows me all of my "stuff", a mysterious thing happens; I am able to love others deeper, have deeper peace, forgive more readily, have increasing faith, and my trust and dependence on Him grows stronger, my desire to know Him grows deeper.

I'm so thankful that I'm not all there is. I'm so thankful that there is One who is divine, sovereign, pure, real and personal. I'm thankful that he's made himself known to me.

A Decision Has Been Reached

Thank you all for weighing in on my last post. It was interesting to read various thoughts and processes that go into decision making. It reminded me a lot of my "Critical Thinking and Decision Making" class from college. I loved that class. Maybe that just attests to how geeky I am. But I find the process interesting. In fact, "intellection" is something I value according to my strengths test. But I digress....

My decision about my two jobs was actually pretty much decided at the same time I posted my last entry. I decided to stay at the insurance office. After much prayer and request for discernment and wisdom, I had overwhelming peace about NOT taking the floral design job, and peace about staying put at the insurance office.

Aside from the obvious things that I had listed about the pros and cons of both jobs, I kept asking myself just how crazy will I be if I took the flower shop job? I didn't want to be a weenie and not take the flower job just because it seemed daunting on an emotional and mental level (and this was compounded by the fact that recently I'm reading the prophets in the Old Testament and their lives were filled with being called into places where they faced nothing but adversity for their entire lives!) but really wanted to be where I felt called to be...where the Lord would and could do the most good. Over and over again I felt His Spirit telling me that I didn't need to be adding stress and emotional exhaustion to my life, that my plate was full enough with family and other issues, but rather, I needed to keep things as calm and stable as possible.

This is not to say that I didn't have several days of disappointment and feeling like the air had been sucked out of me once I made my decision. I did. I had tasted the exhilaration of stepping foot out of the insurance office and into the land of creativity that beckoned me with an assortment of flowers that was a bit like walking into a candy store.

But, here I am. Praying for contentment at the insurance office while doing work that is not personally fulfilling, praying that the Lord will develop a real servant heart in me and teach me to be a good worker despite my surroundings and circumstances. I also am continuing to do wedding work "on the side" and am looking forward to the opportunity to create in the next couple of weeks.

I don't know why the Lord allows us to go through exercises like this--may not ever know--but I do trust that I learned more and am more teachable. It doesn't mean that I've stopped praying for something else. Oh, believe me, I'm still praying that He has something for me other than the insurance office. I still have hope for something more, still praying with anticipation, and assured that He is actively working...but thankful also for His provision and sovereignty.

What would you do?

Walk through this scenario with me and tell me what you would do.

I currently have a part-time job. Hours are M-Th, 6 hours each day. I do some occasional Friday work as well, but for the most part, 24 hours a week. I get to see my husband out the door to work, the kids off to school and am home when they get home. I earn a pretty decent hourly wage and there is great flexibility for time off if needed. There are Christmas bonuses and other perks throughout the year.

My employer is a Christian man with strong family values and for the most part, good ethics. He is usually kind and matter of fact, but never harsh or angry. There are the normal pressures of work that at times overflow to me, but for the most part, he is very easy going and pleasant.

The negatives of this job is the nature of the business; life and health insurance. Not only that, but it is life and health insurance for seniors, so the majority of my work is talking to insurance companies and trying to straighten out Medicare induced fiascoes for the seniors. At times talking to the seniors is a task in itself. They are just as confused by all of this stuff as I am...even more so!!

There is nothing creative about this job. It is mainly paper work, answering phones, and talking to insurance companies. It is a dead end job. This is as exciting as it will get. This is as much potential for personal growth as I will ever experience with this agency. I have "arrived."

Now, take a look at the opportunity presented to me a week ago:

I received a phone call from a prestigious flower shop that I had inquired with a month prior. They asked if I would come in for an interview. I went to an interview on Tuesday. As part of the "audition" for the job, I had to design something (this is standard practice for this kind of gig), and mid-designing, they hired me as one of their designers on the spot! I told them I would have to give my two week notice with my current employer, at which they said they would be happy to work with me on that.

What excites me about this position is the possibility of growth and the nature of the business. It is an upscale flower shop and closer to my home by 15 minutes compared to the insurance agency. This shop also does trendy, and "high design" type of work, all of which they said they would be happy to teach me. They didn't mind that my skills have not been "updated" for many years, and again said that they would be more than happy to bring me up to speed. Employment there would even include a yearly floral design seminar, completely paid for by them.

The negatives of this job are that I would be starting out $3.00 less an hour than what I am currently making at the insurance office. However, this is only "temporary" according to the shop. Being the "newbie" my hours would include 3 Saturdays a month (which interferes with my church-going time) and I would have to work the later shift during the week which means I would not get off work until around 6 or 7 in the evening. I would be working about 30 hours a week; full-time during holidays.

All of these things I was willing to work with and figure I was paying my dues for the opportunity, until this weekend when I worked both Saturday and Sunday. I was given new insight into how this shop functions.

They are indeed very busy and do BEAUTIFUL work. I would be fortunate to learn and grow under their instruction. Their skills far surpass anything I can currently create. However, I'm not certain I could work with the owner.

Initially, "M" seems like a very nice person. She is very soft-spoken and kind to her customers, and has consistently been nice to me--maybe because we are nearly the same age. But it was an eye opener seeing how she treats her employees. I honestly think she may be bi-polar, or something of that nature. No kidding, it was as if I was watching Dr. Jekyll and Mr(s.) Hyde. If an employee asked her how she wanted something displayed, she was angry and complained that she had to tell them "everything". But, when someone took initiative and worked on their own, she went into a tirade about how it wasn't getting done right and complaining about how she had to do it all herself. The other really disturbing thing is that she publicly berates her husband in front of the staff and verbally abuses him. It was so disturbing to me that I literally was getting sick to my stomach.

I tried to read the non-verbal clues from the other employees to see if this was the "norm" or an anomaly. It seemed as if it was the norm. No one dared to say any contrary word, or even speak unless spoken to. Everyone seemed to be walking on egg shells. I'm certain the facade she holds up for me would fade quickly once I was there all the time.

So, this is my dilemma: Do I actually leave my non-creative, dead-end office job at the insurance company with a boss that is a Believer, kind and flexible, for the creative, potentially growth-producing (both personally and skill-wise) job with the unpredictable, verbally abusive owner, where I would be the only Believer in the shop and probably emotionally exhausted from the tension?

I still have a window to work in. As it is, I have not been replaced at the insurance office. We are beginning interviews later this week; and, I am only working on Saturdays at the flower shop until my full two weeks are up with my current employer, which will put us at November 16.

My head is in a swivet. Thoughts swirling about--confusion galore--is this from God? Where is He leading? Is this a matter of being light in the darkness? Of going out into the world and being salt? Of....okay enough cliches--But really, does this play into the decision? Is it time to get out of the comfort zone? Or should I take notice of the tears that ran down my cheeks as I came home from the flower shop the other day. Was this just disappointment? Was it due to exhaustion and working 7 days straight with no break in sight until day 13? Or was it clarity about what the actual work conditions will be at the flower shop and the emotional stress that would come with it?

So, again I ask, what would you do? I really would like to know. Currently I'm employed two places...which do I let go of? Let me know what you would do, and then I'll let you know what I did... (!)

Mickey Says "Hi"

Well, actually, Mickey Mouse doesn't talk at Disneyland, but I'm sure he would have said hello if he could!

We're back from the Magic Kingdom. It was a great family trip, although a bit wild. Of course everyone is aware of the California wildfires and the devastation that ensued. We were up close and personal with one of the fires.

Last Sunday we traveled a little further south of Anaheim to meet my cousins and their families (who are California natives) for dinner. As we finished up dinner and our long conversations, we began smelling smoke. Stepping out of the restaurant we were amazed at the site. Our eyes burned from the wind and flying debris. The air was so thick with smoke and ashes that it hurt to breath. As we all hurried to our cars and said goodbye, we could see flames on the hillside in the distance. I have to admit we're all glad to be home. The smoke-filled skies, intense Santa Anna winds, and unseasonably warm weather (98 degrees) in California made coming home to the cool northwest that much sweeter.

These are the happy faces of my big kids as we explored Disney's California Adventure.

And the picture below is our family after experiencing Grizzly River Run for the first time. (I'm seriously considering using this as our Christmas card!) I got absolutely SOAKED! I was hard pressed to find a dry spot. In fact, this was the last picture taken on our digital camera which became a victim of water damage from the ride. Thankfully the picture card was still okay and we salvaged the few pictures we had taken. The rest of the trip was finished out with several disposable Kodaks!

Seasons

I love this time of year. Autumn seems to stir so many things inside of me, and yet, at the same time brings a calmness to my spirit.

I am inspired by the colors of the changing leaves that demonstrate God's artistry. What a wonderful palette He has used! I'm continually amazed that we are invited to enjoy his creativity and be blessed with this brilliance as the seasons change.

The chill in the air makes me feel "cozy". I become much more of a home body at this time of year, and quite domestic too! Cooking warm meals or baking goodies of some kind while kids are doing their homework as it gets dark outside all feels very comforting and soothing. Sitting by a warm fire place, sipping hot tea or cocoa, and wrapping up in a blanket while reading or watching a good movie is almost the ultimate in autumnal coziness.

Autumn is also a season filled with holidays that bring families together. Just the other day we were talking about Thanksgiving and Christmas! As everyone listed off their favorite dishes for each "feast", talk of 'where to put the Christmas tree' began to surface.

Yes, this is a good time of year.

But I find myself feeling melancholy. I think it is because the seasons of my life are yet again changing. Each new "season" brings with it, its own joys and sorrows. It is not unlike when your baby takes his or her first steps; how wonderfully exciting, yet sad all at the same time. You welcome a toddler while letting go of an infant.

I'm pretty certain I know the source of this melancholy. Identifying it is the first step to walking through it gracefully, right? (?) I know the realization that my kids are really growing up quickly is a biggie. How can it be that another child will be graduating this year and heading off to college next fall? How can it be that my baby girl will be entering high school next fall? Where did the days go when the biggest problem was getting my child to share his blocks with a friend? Now the choices have potentially life long consequences, and I increasingly realize that my ability to comfort or console my children and their "owies" is limited. I feel powerless when I see their hearts breaking, and I can't 'kiss it and make it better'. I'm learning that my only resource and strength comes from prayer and trust in the One that can meet their needs and bring peace to them. This 'releasing' is a continual exercise. Just when I think I'm getting pretty good at it, another test comes along just to help me see how tightly I'm still holding on.

Another source of melancholy is the realization that Mom is not doing very well, and it really seems likely that this could be the last Autumn we share with her. My Mother, along with my oldest sister came over for dinner on Sunday. We had a great afternoon of talking, eating and playing a game. But Mom was different, and it was noticeable. Her last oncologist report was that the chemo is getting to a place where it isn't "working" any longer and it may be time to talk about "alternatives". She is also beginning to show some new symptoms and signs that she is getting sicker.

As I sat next to my mother playing "Apples to Apples", I felt like I was sitting next to someone I didn't really know, yet she seemed so familiar somehow. She looked like my mom, but the mother I have known for all these years is not there. Cancer has changed her, and I find myself trying to grapple with the loss of a relationship I had known with her, knowing that it has passed forever.

I know it is especially easy at this time of year with the darker days, the rain and the cold, to experience "the blues", or be melancholy, but I'm working hard at focusing on the beauty of this season and this season of life I'm in. Even if I don't emotionally feel like it, deep in my spirit, I have hope and trust that the same God that has chosen Autumn as the season where a leaf reaches it's climax of beauty, is the same God that can make my life more beautiful, richer, more vibrant and still filled with hope for what is to come. I know there will be losses, but just like the changing from summer to autumn, I anticipate a new joy, a new surprise in what the next season of my life has in store.

The Classifieds

Recently, I've been looking on "Craigslist" for employment opportunities. (I may have mentioned once or twice that I'm really feeling the desire to move on from my present position as an office assistant to something else. What? I'm not sure, but I have been praying about it for many months and want to be open to what the Lord has for me!) I know everyone and their brothers are also looking for jobs, but nevertheless, it is kinda fun to peruse the various listings and see what's out there. Who knows, perhaps just the right thing will come along. I'm keeping my antennae up!

Today, as I was going through various searches, I came across the request for a "sandwich artist". Now, I'm pretty certain this is not a request for a person to paint lovely portraits of BLTs or PB& Js on whole wheat, but rather a very clever way of saying, 'we need someone who can make sandwiches'. This got me to thinking about how so many of the ads I've been looking through have been cleverly worded in hopes of luring in job seekers to take the bait and inquire further.

This is where you come in; What clever descriptions have you come across for the most mundane of jobs or services? Is there certain wording that would actually entice you to inquire about a job position?

**By the way, I in no way have meant to be insulting or belittling to the sandwich artist. I love sandwiches and am appreciative of those artists who share their skills with the world.

The Happiest Place on Earth

October is here, and excitement is building around our house. Why, you may ask? Because we're going to Disneyland!! Yep, it is true! The whole gang is heading to Disneyland in less than 3 weeks! Work schedules have been arranged, notifying teachers has begun and vacation time put on the calendar a year ago is quickly approaching.

We figured it has been about 11 years since we last visited Disneyland. Ground-breaking was just beginning on Disney's California Adventure park. I remember looking at the pictures of the proposed park and gazing at the vast undeveloped space as we rode past it on the monorail. The last time we were there, our children, with the exception of 1, didn't meet the height requirements on the bigger rides, or the kiddos were too frightened to even try a lot of the attractions that seemed a bit overwhelming. (And maybe riding "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride" as one of the first rides wasn't a good idea either!) We did find the carousel and "Dumbo" to be "safe" favorites.

This year, all 6 of us are committed to going on (almost) every ride. There are a few exceptions. Half of our group isn't real keen on roller-coaster-type, jerky, wild rides. The other half (of which I am a part) is game for almost anything and will at least try it once. My oldest son, now 19, proclaimed proudly (tongue in cheek), "Mom, I don't think I'll be afraid like I was last time. I'm even going to go on Splash Mountain because I'm a big boy now!"

Another part of this southern California adventure is that we are flying! Our previous trip was a road trip, which was lots of fun. (I had made surprise bags for the kids that were Disney related. Every 100 miles they were each given a new surprise bag to open. This year, my big kids have each asked if they get surprise treat bags on the airplane!) We decided to fly this time for a couple of reasons: time frame was limited so this would maximize our play time; and 3 of our 4 kids have never been on a airplane! This is something we wanted to share with them and be a part of. Needless to say that getting there will be a big part of the fun.

To a lot of families, taking trips like this is common place; they do it yearly or perhaps a couple of times a year, and fly everywhere. But to us, this is a big deal. We haven't taken a lot of family vacations together for various reasons, and flying has always been a costly luxury. With a family of 6 and one income for most of those past years (I started working part time about 4 years ago at various jobs) we looked for ways to cut corners wherever we could. Most of our family time together has been weekend trips to the coast, or day trips around the state.

Perhaps that is what adds to the excitement of this trip; our kids, because they're older, understand and appreciate that this really is a 'big deal'. My son asked me why we were doing this now and wondered if we had 'come into some money' that would allow us to go on a trip of this expense. I assured him that, 'no, we hadn't won the lottery', but rather we knew this potentially could be the last time that just the 6 of us will vacation together. Our children are quickly approaching the ages (or are already there) that, in reality, from here on out, we could have a new spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend accompanying us on these family trips; or perhaps the kids would need to be absent because or work or their college schedule won't allow it. Sure it is making finances all that much tighter at home, and funds we could use to decorate or make some changes in our new home have been reallocated to vacation time, but I know that the Lord has made this time possible. I keep coming back to that. What a joy to have the opportunity to spend time together playing, being silly, and genuinely enjoying being family together. We can hardly wait.

The sign at the main entrance to Disneyland proudly proclaims that it is, "The happiest place on earth." But I think I'd have to contest that. Right now, our home is the happiest place on earth as we anticipate our trip to Disneyland!

Examining My Life Map

I am amazed, on a daily basis, at God's very presence in my life. I don't know why I am so thick headed, or dull that I can't grasp this reality consistently, but I am so thankful that He reminds me and makes His presence known.

Many months ago my blog consisted of thoughts about this transitional phase of life I'm in and everything that comes with it; and today I'm still pondering these things. I know I'm not alone and that actually, I'm pretty "normal" I suppose. I wouldn't call this a "crisis". It isn't. I don't feel that I'm in damage-control mode, but rather more of a 'navigational-ly challenged' mode as I head into uncharted waters.

Looking back, I had hopes and desires, and made plans. By God's grace I was able to do those things that I had wanted to do: I went to college, got married, had children and chose to stay home and forego any kind of working career to do that. I trusted the kids would grow up and then __________________ . Hm, hadn't thought about this part.

Perhaps somewhere in my thinking years ago when I was making my life plans, I had the notion that since I would be in my 'later 4o's' when my kids started to leave the nest I would decide that continuing to stay at home would be satisfactory; or I'd have some kind of hobby that would engulf me, or perhaps I had the audacity to think that 40-something was "old" and I wouldn't really have the energy or desire to do much of anything else. I don't know. But somehow, this part of life was not mapped out in my brain. And so here I am today, in a quandary.

Knowing that after this year, half of my children will be out of high school and another 4 years after that the other half will be out, I feel this urgency to 'get it together' and figure out what I want to be when I grow up...or at least when my kids grow up. But reality is, if viewed throught the secular eye, there aren't a lot of options out there for a later 40's, stay-at-home mom, part-time, Jill-of-all-trades-master-of-none-type woman to do.

I wouldn't trade these many years of being able to stay home with my kids for anything. I know that it has been a wonderful investment, and far more fulfilling than having a career, or some other kind of time-investment would have been. But there is an angst; a longing deep inside, almost an excitement as I'm embracing the reality of this new phase. I want to work, I want to be involved in a ministry of some kind, I want to be making a difference in the world around me. I'm realizing that now is the time in my life that I really have time and energy to give to something else. My energy level is so much more than when I had small children. (I was physically exhausted for at least 10 years of my life!) But there is another side to this coin. Along with maturity in age, I also have a greater appreciation or acknowledgement that, because of prior choices, I am not a real market-able person in the work place so my options are very limited. Even in ministry, I'm not one of the younger, "happening" people, but rather viewed as one of the older women now. (When did that happen??)

And so, this brings me to the question or questions that I've been pondering a lot these days. Believing that the life I live is bigger than what I see with my eyes, bigger than what the world says, but rather a truly spiritual, redeemed life, I find myself asking, "What Lord--what am I to do with this part of my life? What do YOU want to do with my life? What do I do with this desire and drive you've placed there? How can you work these together to serve you?"

I know inside of me there is a bit of doubt and fear that somehow I will miss what He's trying to teach me, or I'll miss the opportunity, or the call, or something. I may be an intuitive, perceptive person on one level, but on another level, I can be totally obtuse and sometimes look right past the obvious. In the back of my mind I've been battling the 'what-if-I-miss-it' self-talk. Honestly, times like this are when I wish for that postcard from Heaven that says, "Okay, Cheryl, this is what you will be doing; go first to point A, then B, and so on. But we all know, that faith doesn't work this way. Faith is about what we don't see, what we don't know, but trusting the One who does.

So, the Lord continues to build my faith; and this is where I get goose bumps. This very week, the Lord has been speaking directly to me about this process through scripture. Daily He has shown me His truth that speaks to my spirit and addresses me, right where I am, at this moment on my time line.

I'd like to share a few of the passgaes He showed me this week, and in turn I hope it will be an encouragement to you as well:

Isaiah 30:21: Whether you turn ot the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

Isaiah 32:6: He will be the sure foundation for your times, a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge...The fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure.

Isaiah 41:9,10: I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my Servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you, so do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isn't God good? I have had such peace this week as I rest in his Word and promises. He hasn't forgotten me; He is mindful of me and reassures me that He is at work, even today. My rest comes from abiding in Him and not in the circumstances of my life. He is more than able to figure out what the next chapter of my life is...I don't have to "worry"or be fearful about it.--or even worry that I'll miss it because I wasn't paying attention. If I'm looking to Him, having reverence for Him and seeking after Him only, I will fall in step with what He is doing and what He wants to do in me and through me.

This "transitional phase of life" is only transitional to me, not to the Lord. To Him, this is just the next step on the path of where He is leading, which gives me hope and even more excitement of what is yet to be. I'm so thankful for His revelation of that truth to me this week.

Are You Ready For Some Football?

Last night was the first home game of the season for our high school football team. My daughter, a sophomore, and my son, a senior, were very excited for the first game of the year. It was pretty fun being around them as they made plans with friends and prepared for the game.

My son had requested face paints before the game. He explained to me 'how things work' at the games and his "responsibility" as a senior. Evidently the first several rows in the stands at the football field are "reserved" for the seniors, and, it is expected that if you are a senior male, you will come to the game with, at the very least, your face painted to show school pride! So part of our errand-running yesterday was a jaunt to Party City to get red, black and white face paints...the school colors of The Crimson Tide. This picture is of my son exuding school spirit. Although he looks a little scary here, I assure you he has a very tender, gentle heart!

My daughter made preparations for the game by working on her hair. The biggest decision was whether to wear the crimson colored ribbon around her pony tail. After deliberation, it was decided that it was "too much" and that she would only wear her school tee shirt and minimal face paints. The picture is of her and her good friend as they head out the door to cheer their team on, complete with football-player-esque black under her eyes.

Finding myself at home alone last night as my husband was having a "guys night out" and my other kids were elsewhere, I scanned the free cable movies to find a movie to watch while sipping a cup of hot tea. Although not intentionally meaning to carry on the football theme of the evening, I decided upon "Facing the Giants", a true story about a Christian high school football team and their coach. I had heard about this little gem awhile ago and had wanted to see it for sometime. What a great movie! Not an Oscar-worthy movie by any means, but the message and truth behind it is good.

I discovered my new, "favorite" quote in a scene where the football coach is talking to one of his a team members about his lack of respect toward his father. The coach says to the young man, " Your attitude is the aroma of your heart".

Isn't that great? I have thought about that throughout the day today and have actually caught myself a few times when I was having a negative "aroma".

It was a good night of football...on and off the field. Even though our high school team lost, everyone came home in good spirits. The kids are already thinking ahead to next Friday night, anticipating another cool autumn evening filled with cheers, face paints and great memories made with friends.

Aah.....I love this time of year and the smiling faces of my dear children.

Floodlight Living

In the past month my regular routines have gone out the window. With this upset of schedules, changes in homes, and so on, has come an increase in anxiety. It has been an interesting progression to observe--well maybe not interesting as much as--noticeable.

This past weekend, after another night of intermittent sleep and early waking, I had a long prayer time, pouring my heart out to the Lord. Nothing has felt "settled" and almost every area of life seems out of whack right now. I don't have that sense of peace and calm--not even in a new home.

After my wee-hours-morning-time with the Lord, I felt it heavily impressed upon me that I needed to make time in the Word a priority once again. I needed to get an anchor into the ground, something that doesn't change, something totally reliable.

So I began getting back into my old routine this week, waking early every morning, before the busy-ness of getting ready for school and work, and spending time with the Lord, reading, praying, journaling. It has only been 4 days, but man oh man, can I see a difference in my attitude and disposition. And an overwhelming peace has blanketed my spirit.

As a side note, almost a year ago, I bought a read-through-the-Bible-in-a-year Bible. For too long I had let the indecision of, 'hmm, where should I read? What should I read? What haven't I read for a long time?, etc., get in the way of really having a productive reading time. So, no more excuses, being very able to know what day it is, I merely find the date and read the scripture--Old Testament, New Testament, Psalms and Proverbs--everyday--or at least that is my goal.

A firm believer in the truth that Scripture is alive and relevant today,I've been amazed how everyday, the Lord has something to show me. Today, the Psalm was #56. Perhaps a well known part of this Psalm is where David (the author) says, 'If God is for me, who can be against me'. However, this wasn't the part that struck me so profoundly. The last couple of verses did.

I am under vows to you, O God;
I will present my thank offerings to
you.

For you have delivered me from death
and my feet from
stumbling,
that I may walk before God
in the light of life.

What this spoke to me was this: I need to remember my covenant with the Lord. He is my savior, Lord of my Life, I am his, totally. This is not "my" life, but His.

Secondly, I need to be mindful every day, always, to be thankful, give God thanks, tell him what I'm thankful for, etc. Scripture is filled with the importance of coming to the Lord with thanksgiving, before we present our requests. This passage even reminds the reader--reminded me--that a foundational item of thanksgiving is the realization that God delivered me from death (salvation through Christ), and that He is the one that keeps me safe, steadfast, on the path rather than stumbling along in the muck and mire.

The final verse really resonated and is carrying me through the day today:

"...and I may walk before God in the light of life."

Wow! That is a promise--not a "maybe"--but assurance that remembering that God is the Lord of my life, that He is the one who is keeping me, holding my hand and keeping me from stumbling about today--because of that, I get to walk before God in His floodlight that is a vibrant, vital life. Apart from this light, there isn't any real life. The world offers substitutions that are at first alluring and attractive, but eventually disappointing. Nothing is fulfilling if it isn't covered in God's light.

When I place the things of my every day life into the context of this scripture, it gives a right perspective. The situations and circumstances may not change, but how I view them does. For example, my part-time administrative assistant job has been almost excruciating to go to these days. (I know...strong sentiment...but I'm really at that point!) Really great, generous boss, but the work itself is boring and requires very little of my mind or abilities. It is a very unsatisfying job in that I don't really feel like I'm doing what I was created to do...but it is an income so I keep doing it...and although I've been looking...the Lord hasn't opened a door to anything else. (I am VERY aware that this is how the Lord has been providing and very thankful, so don't get me wrong. In fact, in light of the scripture I read this morning, I thanked the Lord first thing for providing a job for me when I know there are so many looking for work.) What I struggle with is that I'm a person who needs/wants to do a job that really matters, long term, in the greater scope of things, so working in a small office that is centered around someone earning commissions and driven by making money, is hard to wrestle with everyday. I can't quite see how it fits in with eternity.

After reading this passage, I felt the Lord reminding me that even in my work situation, He can give it purpose and "life" because I'm walking with Him, in His light. I may not know what that is, or be able to see it, but if I keep focused on Him, giving Him thanks, He can take a very basic job and give it meaning beyond what the world offers. I'm thankful for that hope.

I know this post is a little disjointed...open journaling really...but felt I should share it. I titled this post, "Floodlight Living" because that is the perspective I want to have, especially in these days of a life that seems so "out of whack". I want to remember and be intentional about viewing the "everyday, ordinary-ness" of my life, bathed in His light of life.

Only Her Hairdresser Knows for Sure

This is a total fluff piece to fill the void while I'm finalizing some ponderings on another issue, or issues. Just take this as a friendly warning...or advice...or something...I doubt there is anything of real depth that will follow...

It seems lately, with frequency, that I've been getting comments about my hair color. (I know...this is deep, thought-provoking stuff.)It is just funny to me, that's all. Last Saturday after church, I saw a gal I hadn't seen for the last month and a half. First thing she commented on was how dark my hair was. My own mother even asked me a few months ago if I was coloring my hair "that dark".

For the record---my hair color on most of my head--is my natural dark brown hair color. I say "most" of my head, because the ends have the signs of grown-out highlights. If one were to compare the end 3 inches of my hair with the top of my head and bangs, the color difference is noticeable. My friend, Michelle, who cuts and highlights my hair, is so good that the highlights always look natural, and "brighten" my hair a bit, making it a wee bit lighter brown. What's funny, is that I haven't had my hair highlighted all that often. I think I'm just in a really dark hair phase right now. I haven't been out in the sun much at all this summer, so my natural highlights haven't had a chance to shine. Maybe that is why my hair seems darker than usual...??

So, yes, my hair really is this dark. However, I am feeling that it is near time to get highlights once again; it does wonders in helping to camouflage the increasing white strands that are shining through!

Beware, I just may keep you posted on coming events...

Adjusting

I'm happy to report we've officially moved into our new home--and we're adjusting!

We're adjusting to new sounds while sleeping at night; most noticeably the absence of road and airport noises, and the presence of frogs and crickets "chirping".

We're adjusting--slowly--to more space. We have one room that is completely empty because we don't have enough "stuff" to put in it. This will most likely be the "overnighter" room when the kids' friends can stay over night. I find myself staring blankly into the cupboard spaces wondering what I should put in them. 'Perhaps if I spread out my canned goods it will take up more space in the pantry.' (I know--a great problem to have!)

We're adjusting to not remembering what box we packed something in, but confident that we will discover it one day soon. We're adjusting to just "making do" until that day!

We're all adjusting to new morning routines that involve walking to school and a few changes in the work commute.

We're adjusting to a life that suddenly is void of immense stress and pressure and finding a new pace that works.

The kids are adjusting to another school year, but thankfully at the same schools.

I'm adjusting to the kids beginning another school year but with the same bit of melancholy I always feel at this time of year. It all goes so quickly, and I always experience a little bit of sadness that our summertime together is over. This year is another big year for us; my second oldest is entering his senior year, my oldest daughter is a sophomore and my baby is an 8th grader. How can it be? I remember holding her hand as we walked to kindergarten just the other day--or so it seemed--and then crying all the way home as I walked home empty handed.

I'm adjusting to a body that is now fully recovered from surgery. I am feeling an increase in energy and obvious absence of pain that I had unknowingly become accustomed to.

I'm adjusting to all these changes by consuming WAY too much caffeine to keep me going these days. My "good" eating habits have gone out the window the last couple of weeks as I find myself reaching for comfort foods.

I'm adjusting to the notion that I'd better get "back on the wagon" soon and change the way I'm eating, pronto!

I'm adjusting to adjusting. I used to think I didn't mind change, or changes. But that is something I've discovered about myself in this process--change is exhausting--and I feel a little bit like I'm limping over the finish line...but nevertheless...did finish! I know I need to be gracious with myself in that we did packed up an entire household, painted rooms and cleaned an entire townhouse,had surgery and moved into another house all in 1 month's time. (okay, when I put it in writing like that...I don't feel like such a wimp!)

I'm adjusting to the idea that there are still adjustments, even when your cup is overflowing with abundance, like mine. I'm thankful that I get to adjust to these bountiful blessings.

Stress--Nothing a little Hairspray can't fix.

When one finds one's self arguing with their spouse over the placement of a love seat (hmm, interesting irony) one knows they are stressed out. So was the scene today as my husband and I were re-positioning the love seat after cleaning the carpets this morning.

We are in the final stages of moving out of our current home, and fatigue, and the natural stress that comes with moving are becoming evident. So much so, that our kids who witnessed the "love couch argument" have told us that they almost burst out laughing because we were being so ridiculous about it all. It was one of those moments that they felt like the adults in the room!

Eventually, my husband and I realized what was going on, said we were sorry, forgave each other and felt pretty stupid. Identifying that we were both totally stressed out, we decided that relaxing and putting the move on the back burner for the night would be a good idea. My husband opted for a quiet night of resting and TV watching while I took my two girls to see "Hairspray"-- again. The sound track from this musical has been my companion lately while painting and cleaning. I'll confess, it is nearly impossible not to dance while listening to this music.

Anyone who has seen this movie will probably agree that it makes you smile and laugh most of the time. There is some brief questionable dialogue and a few innuendos, but the majority of the musical is fun, clean and in many ways, quite inspiring. Tonight we smiled and bopped to the music once again.

Set in the early '60's, the serious side of the musical deals with the issue of segregation. While on a march urging for integration, Queen Latifah's character sings the song "I Know Where I've Been". It's a beautiful song that basically says 'getting there ' will be just that much sweeter because she knows what the journey has been all about, and where she's come from, and that keeps her pushing forward.

This song brought me to tears the first time I saw the movie, and didn't disappoint again tonight. As Ms. Latifah sang the final words, "...and I'll give thanks to my God, 'cause I know where I've been", I was suddenly transported out of the relaxing entertainment of that dark theater, into the reality of moving, and all that it entails. I thought about the stress of the day, and the last time we moved, 4 years ago.

Four years ago, because of several financial issues--some through our own choices, others due to things beyond our control--we were faced with the reality that we needed to sell our house and downsize. We sold our house, and moved into a townhouse that we have rented ever since. We had thought that the move would only be temporary--perhaps for about a year--and the we would buy another house and just ease back into status quo. I was really hoping that this was God's plan as well. But it wasn't. He put us (me) on a 4-year intensive study program, digging things out of me like pride (that I didn't know was there), stripping away things that I had held onto for security and identity, that kept me from experiencing deeper intimacy with Him, all the while deepening my faith and dependence on Him. Not a journey for the faint of heart. It has been a very painful, humbling path for the last 48 months, but one that has produced health, wholeness and healing.

And now, here we are, on the threshold of the next chapter in the journey. We are moving into a house that we will be renting for awhile, and then possibly buying. We weren't looking for this house. But God brought the house to us through some very dear friends who have been more than gracious and Christ-like toward us. We're all very excited to move into a home that will have more space, a big yard for our dogs, and plenty of space to have the high school-ers over after church. Clearly we know, and have received confirmation over and over that this is the right time and that God is directing this move. Yet I find myself stressed out. The "what if's" start creeping into my mind. The "to-do" list expands rather than diminishes and the fears try to creep in.

And then tonight, watching a secular musical, in a dark theater, I was convicted, encouraged and admonished through some simple words in a song. I was reminded that this move--this day--is all a part of this same 4 year journey. It doesn't end when the final box is unpacked in our new house, but rather it will mark the arrival of a new point on the path that will no doubt have it's share of lessons, joys, trials and convictions; but I don't have to be fearful, or stressed out, or doubting--I need to continue to press forward. I know the Lord is leading. He is and has been faithful. He is holding my hand every step of the way.

That's why I was brought to tears tonight. I wanted to sing right along with Queen Latifah and shout it out ; I'll give thanks to My God, 'cause I know where I've been.

I'm 1 year old today!

Today is my blogging birthday! One year ago today I entered the world of blogging and posted my first pondering. What a fun year it has been.

On this noteworthy day, my celebration will be rather quiet, spent only with close family members. I won't have a marathon blogging session, re-hashing every post from the last year, nor will I be posting anything that will impact humanity in a significant way. Instead it will be a day filled with nieces and nephews visiting their auntie and cousins, culminating in a viewing of Disney's movie, "High School Musical 2". It should be a very memorable event! Perhaps even blog-worthy!

Thank you to all of my fellow bloggers, readers, and "lurkers" who have visited, commented, and lurked throughout the last year. It has been lots of fun! I'm looking forward to another year of sharing my ponderings.

Getting Back Into the Swing of Things

It is hard to believe it has been nearly two weeks since my last posting. I'm finally feeling like I'm getting back into the swing of things following surgery, which includes blogging once again.

Surgery went great. Very "uneventful" as the doctor said. Recovery as been pretty good, although I've been amazed at how quickly I tire and how much I want to sleep these days. Everyday I can see improvement in my energy level, and that is encouraging as I think of all the boxes needing to be packed as we move in a few weeks! Pain has been pretty minimal, although soreness is present, but lessening every day. The real plus to all of this is that supposedly I will be feeling a lot better than I have been. The surgeon told me there was scar tissue present and that I have probably been having gall bladder issues for the past 2 to 2-1/2 years and didn't fully realize it! That is God's grace for you! (Or me being totally out of touch with my health!)

Thank you all for your prayers. It has been so evident that all of this is the Lord's timing and I'm learning, once again, to just rest in that and go with it.

I mentioned moving. We are in full swing in preparing for moving sometime after the 20th of this month. We've been packing up cupboards, book cases and bedrooms. The past week I've been "supervising" the packing of boxes--sitting in a chair and directing--as I'm not released to lift or move anything yet. After the next week I should get full clearance from my doctor to actively pack--and feel physically able to do so--and then, watch out! I have enjoyed sorting through things and tossing things out as we go along. I love the chance to purge and clean out. Moving is always good for that!

This weekend we're enjoying our backdoor seats to the local airshow. We live on the backside of the airport and literally watch the airshow from the back patio! There used to be a large field behind us that provided an unobstructed view. However, this past year they began "developing" the field and putting in row houses. (Another reason we're so thankful to be moving.) We still have a pretty good view this year since construction is only in the beginning stages. It has been thrilling to have the Blue Angels zooming overhead. They are absolutely breathtaking!

I'll post more later--just wanted to let you know I'm alive and well!

Psalm 100

A psalm. For giving thanks.

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.

Worship the Lord with gladness;
come before him with joyful
songs.

Know that the Lord is God.

It is he who made us,
and not we are ourselves;
we are his people, the sheep of his
pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with
praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.

For the Lord is good
and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Congratulations! It's a...

When I left for my appointment this morning, I asked my husband, "Do you want to know if it's a boy or a girl?" He responded, "I'll be surprised!"

As the ultrasound technician moved the wand over my abdomen, I was amused with the irony of the situation. I was having an ultrasound this morning to locate any wayward gall stones in my abdomen, all in preparation for my surgery scheduled for Monday. I was chuckling at the thought that this was my first "real" ultrasound! I went through 4 pregnancies and births without ever having an ultrasound. Well, I take that back. I had a very brief ultrasound with my first son, but it was a total fluke. The doctor was testing out some new equipment and I happened to be an available belly. The woman using the equipment wasn't even quite sure about what she was doing, but I do recall catching a quick glimpse of what they said was our baby! These days pregnant woman have routine ultrasounds and actually see their babies before they hold them in their arms. I'll admit I'm a little sad I missed that cool part of technology when having my babies.

But this morning, there I was, having my ultrasound with a sense of awe and anticipation. I even asked if I could see the display screen... but was told it wasn't practical the way they had the room set up! I found myself thinking similar things an expectant mother would want to know; How many? How big? Does everything look okay?

At the conclusion of the exam, the technician was very clinical and of course wouldn't tell me anything she detected. She didn't offer a, "Congratulations, you're having a ....", but said in a rather matter-of-fact manner, that she'd send the ultrasound results to my surgeon. I felt a little disappointed. I was really hoping to leave the testing room with more information, anything...something.

But no. Looks like I really have to wait until Monday to get the results from the surgeon! Like my husband said, we're going to be surprised!

Savory Samplings

"O taste and see that the Lord is good." Psalm 34:8

This verse from the Bible hangs by my front door. It is part of a large picture that shows a bountiful fruit bowl in bright, appealing colors that invites the observer to have a taste.

The imagery of having a taste of the Lord's goodness--perhaps one of those small spoon-sized samplings one gets at Baskin & Robbins of an intriguing ice cream flavor--has always appealed to me. It conveys the notion that once you have a little taste, a savory sample, a nibble if you will, you'll get hooked and want more, coming back, sampling larger portions each time, creating an insatiable appetite for Him.

I would say that my journey with the Lord began very much like that, entrusting Him with the little things of my life, experiencing just a taste of His goodness. Through the years as I've seen and experienced His care and faithfulness, grace, provision and direction, my trust and faith have continually grown. I entrust more of myself and my life to Him with assurance that He is more than able, and much more capable, of directing my life than I am! The more I trust Him, the more I see Him at work, the more I see His power and sovereignty. It keeps me coming back and asking for more!

Recently, God has been overwhelming me with His power, faithfulness, grace and sovereignty. I'm not just experiencing a taste of God's goodness, but a whole banquet. The abundant portions of blessings, answered prayers, direction and encouragement, are almost indigestible! He has brought about so many amazing things all in a two week period! I'm nearly exhausted. I'm filled with so much gratitude, and such a keen awareness of a powerful God meeting me on such a personal level. And not only for me, but for my family.

Here's a small sampling of what has been served:

A new home. We had stopped looking and resigned ourselves to staying put for the next school year. God plopped this house in our lap through some dear friends who are moving into a new home. We didn't even know they were moving! Same school district, same commute, same everything--we'll be moving mid-August and settled by the first of September!

The joy of sharing Christ and His gift of salvation with a dear young woman

Young men and woman "owning" their faith

Wise doctors and spare parts(!)

Long talks with adult children

Children filled with joy and compassion for others

2 new kittens

Thank you, Lord!
O, won't you join me and taste and see that the Lord is GOOD!

At My Age

Something I wasn't prepared for as I entered these "middle" years is how often I would hear the phrase, "at your age" or some derivative thereof.

For example, last time I went to the eye doctor for my vision exam, I was told, "at your age" it is common to need bi- or even tri-focals.

When I began putting on weight with no real change in eating habits, I read in my 'weight- management-in-your-40's' book that "at your age" metabolism slows and weight gain is common.

While reading my 'getting-rid-of-unwanted-weight-in-your-40's' book, it tells me that, "at your age" weight loss will be slow, so be happy with 1 pound a week...at the most!

Upon waking in the morning and feeling the need to move because my body aches all over from sleeping in one position too long, I remember hearing that this is somewhat normal 'at my age' .

When visiting the ER this past weekend for extreme abdominal pain, I was examined and tested for appendicitis. After all the test results and CT scan came back, the doctor proclaimed the good news was that I didn't have appendicitis, the "moderate" news was that I had a gall stone "attack" and from the looks of things, I have a sick gall bladder. Evidently this is quite common 'for my age', especially in females. He elaborated and said that "at my age" it would be good to have my gall bladder removed ASAP as there could be complications if I wait.

So, "at my age" I'm having surgery in a little over a week for something that seemingly a lot of people like me do at this age.

UGH! At my age, I still don't like these kinds of surprises.

Heavenly Impulses

You are probably like me and all too aware of the heartache, tragedy, hardships and trials going on around us in every day life. If one looks in their own life there are plenty to be had, and then as the circle expands to extended family, friends, church family, community, country and world...well, it is potentially overwhelming if we take it upon ourselves to be the ones to tend to all these issues. I'm thankful for a sovereign God who holds it all in His hand, all-powerful, all knowing, always present everywhere.

What I have been struck with recently, and have had the privilege to be a part of, is how God calls His "saints"--His followers--to join Him in being the giver of grace, love, help and comfort. He doesn't need us to to do these things, but He invites us to be a part of what He is doing, as a blessing to others and to us, and for our growth.

This morning I found myself singing parts of the hymn, "Take My Life and Let It Be". A couple of lines in particular have continued to stream through my brain,

Take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of Thy love;
Take my feet, and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee.

As I have talked with family members and friends this week, I am reminded of how my life is blessed when others 'move at the impulse of [His] love, and how I am blessed when I am in tune with the Spirit and allow myself to be moved by this same impulse.

A few blog posts back, ("Safely Home"), I wrote about Elliot, the teenager who had been swept out to sea. Two of my children were there, along with several other friends who had gathered around the two teens left crying on the beach after losing their friend. This group of teens were 'moved at the impulse of God's love' to reach out to the friends and mother. Sure there was some hesitation on the kids to enter into that space and approach the two laying on the beach, crying. In fact, they almost didn't approach the two distraught teens because they didn't want to intrude, and there was a fair measure of awkwardness. This was clearly out of everyone's comfort zone. None had experienced anything like this before. But they felt compelled to ask if there was anything they could do. They gave comfort (as much as possible), gathered around them in prayer, covered them in warm coats and walked with them on the beach. This group of 10 teenagers were Jesus' hands and feet in this moment of despair.

In a conversation with my sister this past week, she told me about a phone call she had just received informing her that some old friends of hers had lost their son in the ocean the week prior. The son was Elliot, and the parents were a couple that my sister had been close to many years ago when they attended the same church as young marrieds. I told her about our kids being there and praying with the mom (my sister's friend) and the two teens on the beach. My sister told me that the family had been overwhelmed by God's presence that day and since. It was clear He had been surrounding them with the family of God from the very beginning. They were so touched and thankful for the prayers from "family" members they didn't even know...but conscious that this is what was sustaining them.

I'm so thankful this group of teens, 'moved at the impulses' of God's love. Just think if they had given into those feelings of self-consciousness and awkwardness.

I have been intently praying for a sister who has been undergoing prolonged financial stress and health issues. Her faith has amazed me and has been such a testimony to me, as she is confident of God's faithfulness and provision and is waiting, watching and trusting Him to take care of her. I talked with her yesterday and she gave me a joyful report of how the Lord had opened the flood gates and blessed her through various "family" members. Each "giver" independently told her that they felt so heavily impressed by the Spirit of God to do these things, whether it be the giving of some dollars, or a bag full of groceries, or an invitation out to dinner. Each were clearly moved by the 'impulses of [His] love'. What a blessing they were to this sister, and how blessed each of them were for their obedience and listening the Lord; following through when they had no guarantee of how their gifts would be received, and for my dear sister who set aside any pride and received, acknowledging God's faithfulness and goodness.

I have seen the movement of God's love and presence in my own life in very specific ways this week, all through the hands of others who are in tune with His Spirit, willingly moving when and where He directs; Heavenly impulses that bless, that are a physical extension of God's presence.

How many times have I experienced those promptings? Have I followed through on those "non-sense-ical" times it has been placed on my mind and heart to send an email of encouragement to someone I don't know very well; or when I feel "impulsively" that I should hug someone; or when I "randomly" feel like I should take action and take some flowers to someone? Will I look foolish? Will the recipient think I'm odd or "out there"? What if I've mis-read these "promptings" and I'm overstepping some kind of line?

I find as I hum this hymn today, I continue to pray that the Lord will take my life and let it be consecrated to Him only. I want to move at the impulses of His love. I want to be His hands and feet. What a joy to be invited to be involved in what He is doing, as a blessing to others and to be blessed.


Take My Life and Let It Be
By Fran­ces R. Ha­ver­gal, Feb­ru­a­ry 1874.

Take my life, and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days; let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet, and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice, and let me sing always, only, for my King.
Take my lips, and let them be filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold; not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect, and use every power as Thou shalt choose.

Take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour at Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.