I'm noticing it has been almost a year since my one and only post of 2011; I guess it is time to update for 2012!
This year has been a journey of getting to know myself better. Not in a hedonistic, 'the- world-revolves-around-me' kind of way, but rather seeking after the Lord and asking 'who-did-He-create-me-to-be-and-how-does-He-want-to-use-me-in-the-bigger-picture?' kind of way.
With our youngest graduating from high school this year, my husband and I are transitioning into a new phase of life. I have to say, I'm feeling pretty excited about it. We haven't been here before and I am excited about the possibilities! While I still find it difficult to believe we're here at this point in time, I am embracing it, enjoying seeing 'the kids' grow into young adults, making their choices and finding their own paths on their own journeys. Certainly there are growing pains for me as I learn to change my mode of operation as a mother. No longer do I or, or can I, thrust my opinions and advice upon them, but I'm learning to treat them as adults and the need to ask for permission to speak into their lives--which thankfully is welcomed and received. Scheduled lunch dates are now a part of the calendar rather than nightly family dinners. More time is spent praying for each of them and asking God to speak into their lives in a way they would hear and know, and instead of holding them tightly, I am continually learning to love them with open arms that are letting go and releasing.
Yes, lots of new chapters are being written on the pages of my life book. With that comes the awareness that my 'job' of mothering is being phased out. Not entirely ('once a mother, always a mother') but certainly shifting and no longer my main occupation. Which sends my brain into a swivet wondering, "What now God?"
This past year I have been having discussions with the Lord, asking Him to help me know who He created me to be. I wasn't created just to be a wife and a mother, but he created me as a whole person on my own. Like Psalm 139:13 says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." It occurred to me that of course God knows who I am and how He wants to use me, but there are holes or have been holes in my thinking: I don't know fully who He created me to be--or more accurately, I've lost sight of that. For so many years I've just rested (or was lazy) in the idea of, 'I'm a mom' and this is my job right now.
Over the course of time I have put myself in a box or even several boxes. These boxes begin forming from the time we're young. Our families of origin help tape the flaps of these boxes together, choices we make as young adults further add form as well as the churches we attend and the doctrine and spiritual teaching we receive through the years. And then we reach mid-life adulthood and discover we have become comfortable in our tidy cubed housing; we have an identity. We can give the acceptable answer to people when they ask, "What do you do?" "Where do you go to church?" "What are your hobbies?" "What are your children doing?" and on and on.
I'll confess in the core of my being has always been a bit of resistance or rebelliousness to any kind of box. For example, I can remember a time when I was young resenting those that decided certain things were fashionable or "in" just because 'they' decided it was so. What if I didn't like it? Who gave them the power to make those kinds of decisions for me? I was reminded of this when my daughter H was in kindergarten. One morning she came out of her room dressed in stripes, plaids and a print. Her face was beaming and she was feeling good! It pained me when out of my mouth came the words something to the effect of 'I'm not sure all those things go together'. She asked why? Again, I think I uttered something senseless about, 'in our culture we don't wear those things together'. (I know...pretty silly and stupid...I had definitely become part of that box!) She insisted that she wanted to wear all of her favorite things together at the same time. Thankfully, I was able to pause and fully take in her beaming face. She felt good from the inside out, and it showed. I sent her off to school wearing a creative expression of what she felt deep inside--joy.
So, fast forward to today and the journey the Lord has me on. Once again I've been asking, "what does life look like outside of the box?" "How have I been limiting God because I can't see outside of the walls I've created?"
At this point in time, this is what He has shown me, He created me to create. Creating can take all forms--music, art, writing--it is expression of what is inside and often transcends words, touching those places deep in our spirit that resonate with God's heart. What I'm realizing more deeply is that I'm drawn to textures. After all, isn't that what all of life is about? There are so many layers, so many rough spots and joyfully smooth spots in life that are woven together to make up an art piece that is our lifetime.
As I reflect on my life and the way creativity has taken shape, I'm learning that it all has seasons, and changing mediums or materials. Early in childhood I was drawn to crafts--any and all kinds of crafts. Keeping my hands busy, working out what was in my head into and through my hands. After college, working with flowers and becoming a floral designer was the expression. I'm still inspired by the Creator's creativity. Oh the joy he must have felt when he made each flower; the smooth round edges, the sharp pointy petals, the intricate color spots and speckles at the center of each flower--all things that are easily over looked--but nevertheless, He didn't spare giving each detail full attention.
Music has also been a predominate source of expression either through music theater, choirs or as a worship team member. Again, the texture of the harmonies was what I always have enjoyed the most, and being an alto, this is what I loved doing the most. Never wanting to be a soloist or headliner, my joy has always come from being part of the intricacies that fill out the music, adding to that musical chord that pokes deeply into the depths and touches places that words fail to reach.
Yesterday, my youngest daughter S and I visited several artist's studios in our County as part of the "Open Studios" series. A wonderful artist and friend, Valerie Sjodin, had her studio open so we stopped by to visit. Not only are Valerie's paintings beautiful and rich in texture and color, but you truly sense that the Holy Spirit is painting through Valerie.
At the studio, I knew the Lord had a word for me as I picked up a note card with one of Valerie's paintings printed on the front. The image is of a butterfly in transformation from every stage of development from larvae to emerging the chrysalis with wings, all of this is happening inside of a transparent box. The last image shows the butterfly flying out of the box, wings spread open. Across the top are the words, "What if there is no box?"
My daughter said as we left the studio, "Why do I feel like I've just worshipped?" We both left with hearts full and eyes full of tears, expressing things deep in our hearts that words couldn't. Thank you, Valerie for listening to the Lord and for allowing Him to use you through your creativity to speak His truth into the lives of others.
So today, I find myself writing again, heart full of possibilities of how the Lord may want to continue growing me and using me in the lives of others through creating, opening my eyes to new textures and materials, giving me a desire to wait on Him and freely follow Him. I pray that my hands and heart will be open to new things and not clenched tightly, holding onto false securities or the safety of the 'known' box.
I find peace in knowing that He knows all the layers of life's textures that this path holds.
