Doing that thing I do

I'm sure it comes as no surprise that getting a diagnosis of cancer changes one's view of life almost instantaneously.  One thing that has surprised me is how quickly this process can bring one's "stuff" to the surface--okay--how quickly it is bringing MY stuff to the surface! 

Some random 'ponderings' and 'ah-ha' moments so far that may or may not make sense:

There is no such thing as "doing this right" when it comes to cancer.

Sounds elementary enough, right?  :-)   But for me, and perhaps as you read this you identify with this as well, there is that 'thing' inside of me that wants to do things 'right'--have all the 'right' responses, the 'right' perspective, the right attitude, the 'right' outlook, the 'right' way to process, and on and on. I so strongly don't want to 'mess up' or stumble and fall.  I can hear those words spoken to me as a child from my father,  "do it right the first time and you won't have to do it over again."  Okay, probably doesn't really apply to cancer and I'm sure he was probably talking about cleaning my room, but it does give insight into what drives me sometimes. (And believe me, I'm not saying this is a healthy thing or necessarily a good thing, but it is one of those real-life things I have to work through and keep growing through.)

I'll admit, even on a faith level, I want to do things 'right', desiring to not miss out on any of the lessons I need to learn, or grow where I need to grow and so forth.  The danger of  a "doing it right" mentality is that it can quickly give way to performance-based relationships with others and performance-based faith;  If I do "A", then "B" will happen, and so forth. These relationships can quickly become disingenuous, manipulated and not a relationship of real depth.  With regard to faith and God, it no longer becomes about grace and what God is doing in my life, but it becomes about me and what I'm able to do, and faith isn't even involved. 

So back to my main point--I truly believe there is no "right" way to do this cancer journey especially on an emotional level. Any and all of us that have traveled this journey as either the one with cancer or the loved one of someone with cancer, know this is a messy path. I traveled this path with my mother who passed away from cancer (different kind than mine) 5 years ago. (See previous blog posts)  There is very little about this path that can be controlled. It isn't pretty, it twists and turns, keeps you on your knees, and is exhausting. We may all respond differently, and that's okay. 

As we left the doctor's office the afternoon we had first heard the word "lymphoma", my husband gave me a gift. Perhaps he didn't realize how great a gift it was and is to me, but it meant the world and still does. To paraphrase, he reassured me that I had the freedom to just be me and process this journey anyway I needed to, whenever and however and not to worry about what others think. (He knows me!)

 From this new vantage point as the one with cancer, I am experiencing a real freedom in releasing myself from the inner desire to do this "right", respond 'right', be strong in the 'right' way and so on.  If I have a melt down on some days, that's okay, God created tears and emotions, and there are arms of grace that are wrapped around me. If I have those days where I am overwhelmed, that's okay too;  again, it doesn't mean I don't trust him and am in danger of yet another mark by my name on the 'O-ye-of-little-faith' chart. 

  Knowing I don't have to do this journey 'right', or perhaps more accurately acknowledging that I'm truly not in control of this journey, has freed me up to lean that much more into it and relax (as much as is possible) into the process, taking just one step at a time. It's uncomfortable, doesn't feel good and is unknown, but there is a supernatural peace and assurance that has settled in.  Even on some of the hardest days so far, I have felt like I'm wrapped up in a cozy blanket and being held just that much tighter. 

So, bottom line, I'm not totally excited about this journey, and it will be messy at times, but as I'm learning to trade in my tightly clenched 'I-am-going-to-do-this-right' fists for stretched out open arms that are letting go, I am becoming more aware of God's provision, more receptive to His grace, and peace and have a heart that is increasingly more thankful.

 To all of you that have chosen to go on this journey with us, we are so thankful for your love, support, encouragement, and prayers.  We truly cannot do this without you. Thank you for surrounding not just me, but Ron and the kids with your love and care as well.  We are overwhelmed in a good way.  :-)

This is the day...

Monday

 This is the day I: 

--heard words I didn't anticipate hearing. "Your next appointment will be with an oncologist". This is the day I had to tell my children their mom had been diagnosed with cancer, and I made those difficult phone calls to my sisters and brother.

This is the day God: 

 --prepared me first thing in the morning as I read my devotional and the first few sentences said,

 " Come to Me, and rest in My peace. My face is shining upon you in rays of Peace transcending understanding.  Instead of trying to figure things out for yourself, you can relax in the Presence of the One who knows everything. (Jesus Calling)

Philippians 4:6-7, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Tuesday 

 This the day I: 

 --celebrated my 54th birthday.  This is also the day that as a family, we grieved, cried, walked around in a daze and experienced fear of the unknown. 

This is the day that my Creator: 

--showed me the Bible app verse of the day:

Ephesians 3:20,21:
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

The entry in Jesus Calling for the day: "Leave outcomes up to me. Follow me where ever I lead, without worrying about how it will all turn out." 

Psalm 27:13-14,

 "I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord.


Wednesday 

 This is the day I:

--had a surgical procedure to retrieve lymph gland cells to be biopsied to determine what kind of lymphoma this is, and how aggressively these cells are reproducing. This is also the day that we continued to see the Church, the Body of Christ--not confined by the walls of a building, geographical distance, denomination or age--surround us with an out-pouring of love, support and prayers (and it continues daily).  We are overwhelmed--in a good way! 

That my Savior, the one who redeems my life daily:

--showed me Ephesians 3:16-19,

 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

 Thursday  

This is the day I:

--felt "lighter", encouraged and "normal".  This is the day I had "tea" with a dear sister who prayed with me and cried a few tears with me as we talked about life, hardships, the unexpected and God's goodness through it all.

This is the day the Holy Spirit:

--began to open my eyes that this is for His glory.

Hebrew 13:15
Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise—the fruit of lips that openly profess his name.

Friday 

This is the day I:

-- wondered if I would get the phone call about the test results. This is also the day I felt a heaviness and wondered if I am strong enough to walk this path.

This is the day the Lord:

--reminded me through a new Facebook friend that,

 "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." (Hebrews 6:19)

 And yet another new FB friend, Joshua 1:9, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Saturday

This is the day I:

--have felt fragile, and really wish I didn't have to have this be a part of my journey.  This is the day I don't feel strong or brave.  This is the day I feel afraid of what Monday's news might bring. This is a day where uncertainty has been crowding in.

This is the day my Loving Heavenly Father:

--has been holding me, whispering words of his faithfulness and steadfast love. 

 Reading Jesus Calling this morning, a blanket of comfort surrounded me, "As you sit quietly in my presence, let me fill your heart and mind with thankfulness....Remember that nothing in heaven or earth can separate you from [my] love."

Romans 8:38-39, " For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate [me]from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

This is the day:

--I am reminded that I only have to do one day at a time. He has lovingly carried me through every day this week, reminding me of his presence, that He is near and very aware of what is going on.  I choose to believe that He is more than able and faithful to carry me through the days to come.

I am clinging to Him daily.

What Do You Have To Lose?

I've been sitting here for about 45 minutes now, having the desire to write....something... this morning.  I have made a few attempts at inspiring words, or thoughtful and profound combinations of insights, but everything sounds forced.

So, realizing that I just need to be me--drinking coffee and at my computer in my P.J.s--I'll just write out what is on my heart today;  everyone needs hope and I'm so thankful that I have that in Jesus. He redeems everyday of my life, giving me hope and purpose.

Okay--no joke--my keyboard died immediately after I wrote that last sentence!  (I think this is confirmation I'm on the right track. Just sayin'...)  With new batteries in place, I will continue on.

Life is full of heartache, uncertainties, betrayals, hardships.  We have all experienced some or all of these and I don't know of anyone who escapes them.  That is why we need hope, otherwise how could any of us make it through this life?  I know I couldn't.  Everything comes up disappointing and lacking.  Even the most indulgent thing one can imagine ends up disappointing and falling short.

I work for a major weight loss corporation.  Each week I engage with several hundred people as I lead meetings that are designed to educate and inspire attendees to reach their weight-loss goals and change old habits to build a healthier lifestyle.  It is not uncommon to have times of one-on-one consultation with an attendee who says they are "stuck" or have "fallen off the wagon". Often, during these conversations with a member, they voice frustration and/or disappointment and are seeking that 'one thing' they can do that will change things for them.  More times than not, as we talk, I discover that their trials are not really about their weight,  but about life 'stuff''. I can see despair, sorrow, sadness in their eyes and a longing so deep for something to soothe the hurt and fill the void--one that they have tried to fill with food--that has, in the end, come up unsatisfying and even more so, left them frustrated and empty.

I know of only one thing--one person-- that can fill that void and give meaning and purpose and it is a relationship with Jesus.  I mean just that; relationship. It isn't achieved through a series of religious rituals and practices or attending church every Sunday or at the very least at Christmas and Easter; it most certainly isn't about getting your life straightened out before you are ready for Jesus or being a 'good' person; but, it is about trusting and believing that Jesus truly is the only hope we have and receiving his gift of salvation and coming to Him with our need and our messy life.

When I was a child I "asked Jesus into my heart" so I would go to Heaven when I died.  As I have aged and matured in my faith, I have grown in my understanding that Jesus not only payed the price for all of my sin, but also the reality that He gives everyday, every situation, hope and 'possibilities'.  He is the only one who can make sense of the non-sense in the world and in my life. He is the only one that can really change things that I am powerless to change. He is the One who can bring peace to a situation--even if it never changes-- where it seems there should be no peace.

All of this takes faith.  Each of us (if we're honest with ourselves) are looking for that 'one thing' that will fill the void in life and have probably tried every other substance or activity to fill it:  food, alcohol, drugs, anger, bitterness, sex, shopping, exercise and on and on--and find ourselves left wanting more to be satisfied.

So, let me pose this question--one that I have used in the weight loss world;  What do you have to lose?  But really more than that, what will you gain if you "taste and see" that He is good and satisfying?*



Just a side note--I love the  Bible app on my phone. I always have it with me and can use it in multiple ways.  The link is here just in case it will be of help to you! https://www.youversion.com/

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*Psalms  34:8 (Amplified Bible)

O taste and see that the Lord [our God] is good! Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man who trusts and takes refuge in Him.

^{Lamentations 3: 22-25 (Amplified Bible)} 

 It is because of the Lord’s mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His [tender] compassions fail not.

They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness.

The Lord is my portion or share, says my living being (my inner self); therefore will I hope in Him and wait expectantly for Him.

The Lord is good to those who wait hopefully and expectantly for Him, to those who seek Him [inquire of and for Him and require Him by right of necessity and on the authority of God’s word].