If It's Too Loud, You're Too Old

This week, I was introduced to Guitar Hero. Santa brought the kids the PS2 game along with two "guitar" controllers. Can I just say, this momma is lovin' rock and roll and is jammin' with the likes of Slash! Miss "H" and I were up way too late last night playing as a team, rockin' out, having a great time--although I think she was laughing at me more than with me!

I'm proud to announce that on a individual player level, I'm moving on from the "easy" category and heading into "Medium" difficulty--ready to start using that blue button!

Rock On!

WISHING YOU ALL A JOYOUS CHRISTMAS

And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, "Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this [shall be] a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger." And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. "

And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us. And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger. Luke 2: 7-16

Life in the Sandwich Shop

One of the "messy" things about life at this point in time is that we truly are living the "sandwich" life; we are still caring for and raising our children, while at the same time, caring for and taking care of our parents.

Both of our mothers are widows and have failing health. My mother-in-law is 18 years older than my own mother and has had health issues for the past 10 years. She has had many 'near death' episodes and each time we are convinced that 'this is it'. She amazes me--amazes everyone-- as she readily bounces back and recovers and keeps going. She is, however, getting tired and even last month after the latest hospital stay said she was ready to be done.

My mother, as I've mentioned previously, is fighting cancer. She has been having chemo for the past year and had been responding really well and feeling really good--showing improvement actually. However, in the last two months, she has been declining rapidly, and almost daily we can see changes in her energy and mental status. She commented to me yesterday that she wondered how much longer she would be around at the rate she was deteriorating. We are beginning to wonder if she'll make it to Christmas. (Yeah, that bad...)

What I'm discovering as we live life in this mom "sandwich" is that there is no recipe. The contents may be similar, but a little different. For example, everyone may have cheese on their sandwich, but the difference may be that one is cheddar and the other provolone. So to have a cookie cutter approach to living and dealing with aging parents and their health issues is a little dicey! It truly is figuring things out as you go. When you're working with a factor such as health that can change at any given moment, you have to be prepared for any and all scenarios.

Then there are the condiments (to continue with the sandwich analogy); all the emotions and mental stresses that lace this sandwich. No one tells you about the condiments...other than it is stressful. There are layers of emotions to deal with...not just the obvious emotions of loss, but the emotions of others as they deal with the stress too. We each have continual interaction with our siblings (which can be stressful and emotion-filled), but now, I have received phone calls from my mother's friends, as have my siblings. They are trying to deal with the impending loss of their friend, my mother, and are grasping at straws, or, as has been the recent case, questioning our level of involvement with our mother and insinuating that they care more about her than we do, etc.. We have had some ask if we kids are doing anything to help our mother because she seems like she's getting so sick, so quickly. ('Are we making sure she's eating? Surely she would have more energy if she just ate more. You need to be checking in on her more. She says she hasn't seen you in weeks. ((**Hello!!! I saw her yesterday .... Reminder...mental confusion at work here!!!...she often doesn't remember what she did the day before!!)) But again, it has been recommended by her friends that if she just ate better, she probably would be thinking better....) Okay, that was truly a rant and obvious hot button for me right now...

Feeling like a sandwich is not fun. It isn't easy, yet many do it all the time, every day. We didn't think we would do it...didn't plan on it or want to do it...yet it is what we're called to do out of love, respect and responsibility to our mothers. It is tricky business. Perhaps these honest feelings and thoughts are not the sort of stuff some may think are "appropriate" to share so openly, but this is real life. This is the kind of thing we should be sharing with one another. I share these things not to just rant and rave (although I did just a wee bit), but to give some friendly counsel. While there is still time, talk to your parents. Ask them to get things in order or help them to do so while they are healthy and of sound minds. Talk to them about their plans and their wishes. Be informed about their insurance and their finances--and keep pressing them even if you initially encounter resistance. We really thought we had more time with our Mom and believed her when she said things were taken care of. As it turns out, we're almost too late and have discovered things are not as they should be. Don't put it off...

Such is life in the sandwich shop.

The Love Language of Flowers

I just had to give a quick note on how the Lord has ministered since my last post. I have felt the prayers of many this week as I have had a blanket of peace over me. Circumstances and the messiness of life haven't changed, but I have had an anticipation in the Lord. He has shown me several times this week, in very small, "quiet" ways that he is present and aware of all that is going on.

A particular blessing has been preparing and designing wedding flowers for a special couple whose wedding is Friday night. Of course I knew I would be making bouquets, boutonnieres and corsages, but I had not anticipated how uplifting it would be to my spirit. Not only has creating been nurturing, but I have found it to be a wonderful time of worship.

When I picked up the flowers from the flower market and saw the assortment of colors and textures I was once again overwhelmed with the beauty of God's creation. I never cease to be amazed at the hues, the structure and scent of these wonderful beauties we call flowers. And to think I get to put them together in groupings that will somehow enhance the beauty of a wedding! How great is that?

Last night as I began the long 2 day process of creating, not only was I infused with new found energy, but I found myself caught up in worship, thinking about the Lord, praying and even singing songs to Him, thankful for how intimately he knows me that he would use flowers to minister to me. He truly speaks my love language.

Real Life / Real Mess

I know-- my self-imposed "taking a break" from blogging has lasted less than a week as I sit here writing another post. I woke up with many things on my brain this morning, deciding that perhaps "making" myself blog is exactly what I needed to do.

Blogging is one of those weird things in life. I mean, really, isn't blogging in and of itself a little weird; open journaling for the world to see, sharing and posting thoughts, feelings and revelations out into cyber space? Yet, there is a draw to do so. Talk to any blogger and they'll tell you so. It may be sporadic, it may be scheduled, but whatever it is it is a ....calling. Maybe blogging comes from a deep seated need for validation? (No, it takes one negative comment to pop that bubble real quick!) ...maybe a need for affirmation or an occasional response that affirms the blogger is on the right track? I don't know...but here I am again...blogging.

What urged me to blog today was the Lord. (I know, many of you may have rolled your eyes at that moment as a reaction to spiritualizing blogging!) But really, I was reminded in my spirit of something the Lord had placed on me over a year ago when I started this blog. I need to share my life with others, and the work the Lord is doing in it. Even the heading of my blog reflects this: "Ponderings: Thoughts about living real life as a real follower of Jesus....and other things to ponder."

Years ago I felt the call on my life to be a "real" Believer. This probably was developed by growing up in a very conservative church, filled with Believers who worked hard at looking like perfect Christians on the outside, yet pretty shallow and empty on the inside. Legalism (Christianity is more about "dos" and "don'ts" than relationship and freedom) was something I was taught early on, although never overtly and never with this title. This was a generation of church people who were teaching what they had been taught, living how they had been told to live. I never developed a dislike for these people or my church, but rather through the years, compassion has taken root for these dear ones that were deceived into thinking that if they were Believers, their lives should look pretty good, they should look good, everything about them should look "good" and put together. I have felt so sad for them that they had missed out on what the fullness of grace has to offer.

This "calling" on my life comes from dealing with my own messiness of life and catching a glimpse of the fullness of God's grace. I know I haven't reached the boundaries of that grace yet--but if anything, that is what drives me further to 'hang on' and keep pushing forward. I want to finish strong and drink of the Lord more deeply, know Him more intimately, experience Him more fully.

Personally, when life gets heavy and I am feeling hard-pressed, I begin to withdraw. I know part of it is my self-protect mode; the less contact I have with others, the less chance for unwanted "counsel" or input or uneducated remark. But even more than that, being a relational-type person, I find that it takes enormous amounts of energy to be engaged with others. My brain doesn't just shut off or go into auto pilot. My spiritual gifting is mercy and encouragemet so the very fiber of my being is focused on others and what their needs are. Is there anything I can do for them? What do I need to be praying for them, etc. It can be very draining especially when I am already drained from the circumstances of my own life and needing my own well to be filled.

So why am I sharing this with you? Because I am in withdrawal mode. I want to build a cocoon around myself and just hunker down. I find it increasingly more difficult to go to church weekly as I feel "alone" when I'm there. I have withdrawn myself from a creative group because I don't have the energy or creativity to do that right now; because of my work schedule, I withdrew from a women's group a few years ago and have never replaced that with any other kind of "group". I don't have any other outside interests or activities right now because realistically there aren't enough hours in the day, nor do I have energy to do that. I'm mentally, emotionally and spiritually fatigued.

I see my "withdrawal" happening. My first reaction is to self-intervene and work at not breaking ties with others, yet, I find myself asking if this really isn't necessary? Perhaps this really is an appointed time with the Lord. Isolation is often thought of as an "unhealthy" alternative, yet at the same time, reserving energy and being alone with the Lord, turning to Him and having intense alone time with Him IS good, it IS desirable. It is Biblical. And this is what my heart is feeling...is being drawn to. Time alone, with the Lord, without all the "noises" from the world.

However, going back to what is one of the callings placed on my life, I understand the need to be "real" about life and share that openly. I know that anything in the Lord's hands can be used. I know that we are responsible to do what He has called us to, even when we don't understand it. I know that we learn the lessons in the process not in the outcome, and so, here I am sharing life.

So, here's a news flash for you...my life is a mess. I'm a mess. But this is the "real life" that God has allowed me to live in. This is the life He has for me. (Before anyone goes there...let me just state for the record, this "mess" is not self-imposed. I would be the first one to get the plank out of my eye.) This is real-life mess in almost every area of life that when faced with it, every fiber of one's being says "get me outta here", but God says, "I'm here to walk through it with you. Will you trust me?" This is the kind of mess that makes it fully understandable why people turn to vices or how one becomes an addict. Looking for that escape is so easy, but hunkering down, looking only to the Lord and putting one step in front of the other is hard work. Draining work.

Last night I went to church and several asked the courteous, "How are you?" I think a couple asked out of habit and obligation, but another asked because they cared. However, to all I responded, "Fine." This was more for their sake than mine. Why burden someone else with this mess? And besides, some of the "messiness" is very personal relationship-oriented stuff not okay to talk about with someone outside of my family, or another issue has potential major ramifications outside of my family and I can only discuss this with a select few, or in other areas of mess, there are just too many details to give if there is to be any kind of real understanding. So, "fine" works.

I will say there are blessings in the midst of the messes of life. I'm so thankful the Lord gives these grace gifts to keep me going. As recently as the last two weeks, our oldest son moved back home. I know, many of you didn't know he hadn't been living at home! Well, he's back and is working with his dad this peak season as his "helper" at UPS. Having "A" home again introduces a new collection of stresses, but ultimately, it is a good thing as we see him continually make better life choices and an increasing desire to follow the Lord.

My mother's health and mental faculties are diminishing quickly as she seems to be losing her battle against cancer. Just in the last month and a half we have seen her go from someone with a sharp mind and enough physical strength to go on outings, to someone who has real bouts of confusion and nonsensical talk, and increasing weakness. (The oncologist told her and us that this may happen as her liver function declines.) Being pushed about in a wheel chair at the mall for 2 hours last weekend proved to be too much for her as she barely had strength to walk a few feet to the car.

Oh, yeah, the praise part! Yesterday, the Lord arranged a time for my 3 siblings and myself to get together with mom. We openly and honestly talked about everything with Mom. We discussed her burial wishes, her memorial service, finances, located her important papers and divided up tasks between the 4 of us children. The amazing thing was that the presence of God was obvious. This is not easy, "fun" stuff to deal with, yet everyone was 'in the zone' and able to discuss things without being clouded by emotions. There was a peace present that you know can only come from the Lord. Even for Mom, she was peaceful, mentally "present" and able to really share her feelings. I'm so thankful for this divinely appointed time. We will all be taking on some more responsibilities concerning Mom, but we are all in agreement and closer than before. God is so good to meet us in the valley of the shadow of death.

I may withdraw for a time, but only because life is much more active and hectic than usual. I need to reserve my strength and walk closer with the Lord and not become distracted by outside noise. I may say "fine" when asked how I'm doing, but I'm not. This is an intense time. I'm in a whirlpool of emotions and stresses. I feel like I'm climbing a mountain that doesn't seem to have a summit. I'm clinging to the Lord, pleading with Him for an escape, yet I hear Him whisper to me, "No, I'm going to walk with you through this; and because I love you so much, I want to refine you more."

So, these are my ponderings about life. My real life as a real follower of Jesus. A real life filled with mess.