THANKFUL

I had a weird dream last night.  Evidently I had decided to take a spontaneous trip to Southern California.  It was last minute, no planning involved, but somehow I had the time and financial means to do it. At some point in the dream during a conversation with a hotel clerk, I realized that it was Thursday night and I had chemotherapy the next morning!  I was suddenly in a panic.  Why did I decide to take this trip knowing I had chemo the next morning? What was I thinking?!  The next few, brief moments of my dream were spent trying to figure out how to get a flight home in time for chemo in just a few short hours.  Then I suddenly woke up.

Ever have those dreams where it seemed so real that when you wake up you are out of sorts?  That is how I was this morning.  My heart was pounding, I was disoriented and I was in a panic thinking that somehow I had missed my chemotherapy appointment.  After settling down and giving myself more time to wake up, I was doing much better but wondered why I would dream something like that. When I thought about it more, I realized my brain was just working through parts of this journey that I've not spent a lot of time processing.

If I'm honest, some days I do wish I could take a vacation from all of this.  How wonderful it would be to take a trip, have energy to actually do it, go somewhere fun like Disneyland and just play and be carefree.

I definitely have 'those days' where my attitude is not all that positive; I may be feeling especially fatigued, bored, physically not feeling good, or any number of reasons. Thankfully those days are few and far between. To help counter some of the negative thinking,  I have been really attempting to 'give thanks' throughout this cancer journey, and do it on a daily basis. This is not 'new' thinking--I realize this--the Bible is filled with the urging to give thanks everyday. While I'm praying I will give thanks for these things but I've also started a list that I add to every few days.  I'm certain many of us have done this from time to time, perhaps we've taken part in the the daily thankfulness posts on FB for the month of  November; maybe we've kept a gratitude journal (upon Oprah's urging way back when).  We probably find this much easier to do on the "good" days, but it is a bit more challenging on the "bad" days. What I have found, is that writing things down helps me stay focused, and then I can easily review my list, especially when I'm feeling a bit down or entertaining the idea of a pity party.

I want to share with you some of the things I am so thankful for on this eve of chemo session # 3.  

• I am thankful for each "week 3".  The first 2 weeks after chemo I feel physically pretty lousy.  This cycle, like the first, as week 3 arrived,  I have felt more like myself,  feeling a little more energetic (it's all relative!) and enjoying having an appetite and eating food! "Week 3" gives me hope of good things to come and  helps me work through those initial 2 weeks after each chemo session. Because of week 3, I am able to be more independent and get out and about on some days, which brings me to the second thing I'm thankful for--

• Driving a car.  When I got behind the steering wheel of my car earlier this week, I realized it had been about 3 weeks since the last time I had driven!  I was reminded of the feeling of independence.  It felt so good!

More things to be thankful for:

• Eye brows and eye lashes!  I still have mine.  There is a chance I may keep these, but was told that it was likely I will lose all my body hair.  I still may lose them, but for today, they're here, so I'm happy!

• Sunshine!  Born and raised in Oregon, I'm used to dreary, rainy January days.  I'm so thankful that this January in the Northwest has been atypical.  I can't imagine how it  would feel to be going through this process and have it be gray, dreary and damp all the time!

Another area of thanks--financial provision.  One of the many layers of this journey, and a very real component, is the financial side of this.  I have been on a Leave of Absence from work since before the first round of chemo, and will continue on leave until the course of treatment is completed. We abruptly went from 2 incomes to 1, which I'm sure you can imagine how this quickly changes one's weekly budget, and adjustments have to be made immediately.  Yet there are many things I'm thankful for even in the midst of a tight budget:

• Good insurance coverage through my husbands employer.  Thankfully there have not been any changes in coverage and things are continuing seamlessly.

• All the many meals that have been provided have helped lower our weekly grocery bills! I can't believe how this has impacted the number of  groceries we have had to purchase, which really has helped to stretch those dollars for other expenses like utilities. 

• Lower gas purchases. Since I'm barely driving, we're spending half of what we used to on gas for the cars.

• Unexpected rebate that came in the mail, perfectly timed of course!

• A small check from the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society for additional expenses because of the cancer (prescriptions, gas money because of all the trips to the doctor, etc.) This is a one time deal, kind of like a 'welcome to the club' gift from the Society. Granted, this is probably a "perk" most would prefer to pass up and not qualify for.  :-)

• A free wig from the "Transitions" center at the hospital.  The wigs are all from previous cancer patients that pass them on so others can use them while they have a need.  The American Cancer Society helps fund this and provide them free of charge.

• gifts of scarves and hats from friends and family to use and have during this time.

• gift cards received from several different people for different services or vendors.

And still more things to give thanks for:

• I am physically feeling better already. Many cancer patients, because of the type of cancer they have, go through chemotherapy trusting/hoping that the therapy is doing its work and shrinking the tumors.  However, often, with Lymphoma patients and the kind of aggressive chemo prescribed to treat it (which I'm having), patients can begin feeling better right away. And I am!  I am amazed.  I can breathe easier, I am sleeping on my back and side--something I have been unable to do for months because of breathing issues due to the size of the tumors.  I also have a waist again!  Because of the large mass in my abdomen, I had lost my waistline.  About a week ago, my waist started emerging!

And finally, I'm thankful for all the support we have received even prior to a diagnosis from my employer, co-workers, family, friends, friends of friends, acquaintances, strangers, doctors, nurses and on and on.  I know I keep saying  this, but it is so true, we are overwhelmed by all the love, prayers and encouragement we are all receiving from all of you.  Thank you!  It really helps, especially on "those days".