Update: Yep....Still not in control of this journey

Today was another day of being told I wouldn't be having chemotherapy.  I was hoping I would be given the green light, but in truth, I had a hunch I would be told we need to wait to figure out the source of my fever.

I have had a low grade fever for about a week now.  Nothing really remarkable, but for a cancer patient in the midst of chemotherapy, 100.8 (for my clinic and doctor) is considered worrisome, and  more investigation is needed.   My temperature has been all over the place, coming and going, higher and lower than that listed, but present.

Last Friday when I went in for chemotherapy cycle # 5, after many blood draws, tests, chest x-ray, other tests, and everything coming up negative, it was decided that most likely I have a some kind of virus.  Rest and Tylenol was prescribed for the weekend with hopes that I would feel better by Monday (today) and be able to have treatment.

Over the weekend, I developed swelling and pain at one of my biopsy sites from 3 months ago.  Although my fever had come down and was barely there, my discomfort and pain level increased.  Even today, the swelling was worse.

The plan going forward, is that chemo is on hold until I can get healthier.  Delaying chemo is not ideal, but it necessary to achieve that tricky balance in what my body can and cannot handle.  Since lymphoma is a blood cancer involving white blood cells, my infection-fighting army is downsized with each chemotherapy cycle, as treatment not only kills the cancer cells but the healthy white blood cells as well.

On Thursday I have an appointment with the surgeon to get his input as to the next steps.  It may be likely that the best approach will be a day surgery to drain and clean the affected site if needed, a course of  antibiotics and a short time to heal before I continue with treatment.  I'll know more on Thursday.

I'll be candid, these last few days I have felt frustrated and annoyed, even inconvenienced.  I had everything so neatly planned out and was anticipating being done with chemotherapy by the end of the month.  Now, it is up in the air just a bit.  I was informed early in the process that it is not uncommon to have delays or interruptions, but I'll confess, I have had it in my brain (and have been determined) to just keep marching through therapy without any hiccups.Which I have been doing up until now.  The doctors and nurses often have remarked how well I'm responding, that I have 'good color', and that my body seems to be handling the chemo so well. Everything has been going so smoothly and results have been so great that I have been lulled into a false sense of  'everything going as planned' but somewhere in the midst of things, I once again took hold of the reins, thinking I was in control.

Here I am today,  presented with yet another opportunity for growth as I'm brought face to face with the reality that I still do not have control over this journey, despite however much I would like to, or fool myself into thinking I do. (please refrain from saying  "Well duh!" or leaving a comment of this sort). Once again, I am making the choice to lean into this delay, and all that follows in the coming days, trusting and resting in the knowledge that this is all for my good, and that God is able to work out the timing of everything--and then help me be okay with it all too!