IDK

I'll confess, I am just a recent text-er. I know, I'm a little late getting on the band wagon. I resisted for quite a while. On what principle? IDK (I don't know). Partly because I didn't want to pay extra on my cell phone bill, partly because I didn't know if I would have the patience to learn T-9. But, I maneuvered around that by getting a phone with a full keyboard...AND I LOVE IT! Getting more proficient at texting these days, I'm learning new shortcuts courtesy of my children. It has been so great to be able to send a quick note to my husband during the day, or remind the kids of something whenever it is convenient or I think of it. It actually has helped our family communication. LOL.

But back to IDK; This seems to be a favorite phrase of mine these days as I'm coming to the realization, once again, that I really don't know much of anything, or understand God or His ways. There is that "mystery" thing again. So much of life is not clear cut or precise. It is messy and hazy. And I hate that part! I know these are the times when faith has the opportunity to grow more; I have the opportunity to learn more of God's character; that 'thing' in me that needs to be addressed has an opportunity to be exposed to light and dug out; and on and on. But the times that really drive me crazy is when things are so quiet. I know, I know God is still active and at work. I just wish I could see it. I think I'm tuned in. But am I?

IDK, these days I'm feeling like a total loser--but we can't trust our emotions. They are indicators of something, but we are not meant to run our life on them soley. So what is the truth? Is there something I'm just not getting because so much of life these days just doesn't make sense to me? Is this part of the process and an answer to my prayer for Him to be refining me, changing me, strengthening me? Is this the answer to my prayer to Him to show me the sin in my life and expose those areas not exposed to His light? IDK.

These are times when I feel myself stretched to the edge of despair, yet I don't despair because I do trust the Lord to be big enough to carry me through and accomplish his work. But there is that constant battle for my mind. Oh, the battle. I am really seeing it now--this is one of Satan's biggest tactics with me--he often intimidates me with fear. Yes, fear is a biggie. Not fear as in 'I'm afraid of the Bogey man", but fear of the 'what ifs'. Then there is the fear that I'm the only one in the whole world who doesn't get "it" and everyone else does. Maybe I really did miss the boat along the way somewhere and everyone is just too nice to not tell me otherwise. It is hard work to take all those thoughts captive! But I'm learning and working at being more disciplined in doing just that.

Doubt is a close second-which is a cousin to fear. At times, doubts about God's goodness creep in, or doubts about God's power and that above all, His love, grace and mercy will prevail in whatever situation arises. Again, more practice in disciplining my mind to take those thoughts to Jesus and ask Him to deal with them. I need to be careful not to 'entertain' them too long or give them to much air time on the CD player in my head.

IDK. If God has created and developed in me this drive and passion to seek after him, earnestly asking Him to guide and direct, then why does it seem so confusing? Are my spiritual eyes not open wide enough? And ears not tuned in? I have sincerely been asking for these things...yet...it is quiet recently.

What I do know (WIDK) is that I am choosing to believe that this is part of the refining process...although it really feels yucky (which refining often does) and that ultimately He will be glorified. I'm believing that something will shift soon and the Lord will shine His light on something and break some things loose. I know His purpose will be accomplished--whatever that is.

But yet, I still feel a little...oh...IDK...but I'm thankful He does.