Confessions from a Failure

***This part inserted after initial posting:

This writing was inspired by other women who feel as if they've failed or are failures. I think we can all identify. Despite our best efforts and desire to give 110% to everything we do, there are still no guarantees that things will turn out like they're "supposed" to based upon some unpublished guideline, or as we desire them to. At some point we are faced with the choice of trying to live by the world's definition of "success" and thus strive harder, relying on our own strength to manage things and have control, which subsequently leaves us feeling more like failures the more out of control things get, or we get to the point we "give over" and release control to God, surrendering to Him, recognizing that on our own, we aren't able, but rather that He is the only one that can make any good of anything we do.

Living life is hard, and it seems there is always something or someone telling us how we're doing, scoring our efforts like judges at the Olympics. I choose to listen to the One who created me and knows me the best...and the only One able to really make something good come out of my life. Life has little purpose if not lived through Him and for Him.

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I'll confess. I'm a failure. Well at least by the world's standards, I am a failure. I'm owning it. I've failed more times than I've succeeded in the world. In fact, "success" seems to be illusive. I've had triumphs, but those are momentary or fleeting. "Failure" is the message that some 'well-meaning' (and some not so well meaning) believers tell me; this is the message that the enemy tells me.

Failure at what?

Failure at mothering. My kids aren't perfect. They have "attitudes" at times. In fact, sometimes my children act like all the other kids in the world. What went wrong? Didn't I raise them right? I took them to Sunday School since they were newborns. They each have accepted Jesus into their hearts. I've talked to them about not smoking marijuana, or cigarettes. I've gone over the do's and don'ts of life. And of course I've let them know that swearing is not allowed. And yet, they still grumble about "having to go" to church, one smokes cigarettes, sometimes they swear and even are disrespectful at other times. And as my son put it, I'm told things a mother hoped she would never hear. (Why didn't my "don't smoke cigarettes speech" work?--surely my presentation skills are lacking as well!!) Somewhere along the line, I must have failed.

Failure at being a wife. We can chalk up almost 22 years of marriage. But bliss? Nope. Soul-mate? Not sure either of us really knows what that means. Committed? Yep, but loving every minute of it? Nope. Do I always think of him and have a servant heart? Nope. Am I moody and irritable and just decide I'm going to be that way and tough luck? Yep. Do we pray together on a regular basis? Nope. Of course we know we "should" (I believe this is covered in Chapter 1 of the "Official Guide to the Good Christian Marriage Handbook for Soul Mates") Do we struggle with self-centered-ness and at times feel like going on vacation--separately? You betchya. Again...failure.

Failure at being a Believer. I asked Jesus into my heart when I was six. I've been a Christian for over 40 years! One would think I would have the discipline to read my Bible everyday! But do I? No. Oh, I'm much better than I used to be, but it is still a discipline issue for me. And memorization. "Thy word have I hid in my heart that I might not sin against thee." Somewhere along the line I didn't get that supernatural ability to remember verbatim everything I've read. How can this be? I was great at "Sword Drills". I know all the books of the Bible (I fulfilled that "Good Christian" requirement early in life) but I have to work at memorization. It truly is a difficult task for me. I do great with context, application, intention of the scripture, even general location within a book of a Bible; but, actual word by word recitation with chapter and verse? Nope. Really hard for me. And then there's this sin issue in my life. I still struggle with sin. In fact, daily. Daily I have to surrender myself to the Lord as I'm confronted with the ugliness inside of me. And the spiritual gifts department? In my eyes, mine are the 'touchy-feel-y' gifts! UGH! What a wimp! I'm a failure.

Personal and Professional failure. I'm not a mover and a shaker. Oh, I wish I were. But somehow I can't get my act together enough to be that kind of woman who does it all. I "should" have been able to juggle mothering 4 children , running a household, being a wife, and a Christian all while changing the world or being employed in some kind of noteworthy profession which involves wearing business suits and carrying a brief case of some sort. But no. I stayed home full-time...and a lot of good that did, right? As you already know, my children aren't "perfect"! Personally, I have struggled with "the blues" at different times in my life...at one time I was on medication for clinical depression. Major failure. I couldn't 'get over it' on my own! And then there is this "weight" thing. I can't even count how many times I've failed at controlling that! I've never been a "perfect" size! Failure, failure, failure!

Oh, and then there is this "Grace" issue. I'll confess, I'm a failure that is totally dependent on grace. In fact, I'm such a failure, I can't do life on my own and have to totally rely on the work of the Lord in my life to make anything good come of my efforts. Almost daily I am confronted with a new issue or insight that brings me to my knees in prayerful, tear-stained petitions to God, overwhelmed with feelings of helplessness. It is then that I see how out-of(my)-control my life is; how out-of-(my)-control the world is. Failure brings me to the end of myself--my insufficiencies-- where my only option--my only hope--is to cling to Grace's hand and the only One who is all-sufficient, always the victor, never failing.

***This part added the following day:
In case any are concerned that I'm wallowing in self-doubt and pity...I'm not. I don't really believe I'm a failure--but again, through the world's eyes, I may seem like one. But as I said earlier, I only care about the opinion of the One who made me! (In fact, my journey through depression was very much a spiritual journey...I'll share more about that in a later blog.) The life I live as a believer is one of victory even when it looks differently than how I imagined. I'm a child of God and He is good!

This song continually played through my mind during the night. It is one that sums up my (our)need for the daily work of God's grace in my (our) life (lives).

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

O soul, are you weary and troubled? No light in the darkness you see? There’s
a light for a look at the Savior, And life more abundant and
free!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus, Look full in His wonderful
face, And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, In the light of His glory
and grace.