Checking In

And now for the weekly update....

I guess this sums up where things are in my blogging life right now...just updating...unable to spend too much time at serious ponderings as of late! (Although they are swirling around in my brain wanting a chance to jump out on a blog!)

We celebrated another birthday this last Monday, Memorial Day; son #2 turned 17. We gave him a cell phone. He was truly surprised and appreciative. (I guess we've put it off long enough he wasn't expecting it!) The phone was well deserved and we figured the timing was right as he heads into his senior year of high school in the fall. We have a birthday respite until early July when our oldest daughter turns 15--and is preparing for her driver's permit as we speak!

Rehearsals for "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown" (YAGMCB) are coming right along. I had my first musical-related nightmare-ish dream the other night. You know, the kind where everyone else seems to know the words and choreography to the one song you didn't rehearse, and you have the solo part, and it is a sold out crowd on opening night?! Yeah, that kind of dream. I seem to be right on track. This is about the time I start having those stress-related kind of dreams. On the plus side, at least I'm sleeping. Soon, I expect to enter into the "no sleep zone" as I sing every song, run every dialogue, rehearse every dance in my head while I stare at the ceiling unable to sleep because my brain won't shut off! Oh, big excitement this week--my (Lucy's) black and white "saddle shoes" were ordered in my size and should arrive tomorrow!!

Only 2 more weeks of school for the kiddos. Hard to believe! Things are always so hectic these last couple of weeks as students hand in their final projects, perform their end-of-the-year programs, go on field trips and have parties. I'm always glad when the last day comes because it signifies the end of daily doling out money for some school related activity!

Personally, the Lord is walking with me through some relationship challenges. Nothing really bad, just challenging and refining. I don't know that I have the reserves to deal with some of the "life" issues that I'm encountering, but He has been good in supplying just what I've needed, when I need it. I also have looked into a job that I could get excited about, but have not heard back from them yet. It is not looking positive, but again, I know God can move and change things. Will you pray with me? Will you pray that He would do a miracle and at least allow me the opportunity to pursue this job further and that they will give me a chance? (I don't want to go into details about it, but will fill you in down the road as needed!)

So, in a nutshell, this is life. I find my days filled with parenting, walking, rehearsing, singing, dancing, working, swearing...oh...um, I mean...parenting, walking, rehearsing, singing, dancing, Rejoicing!!

Thank you for all your great comments and support! I sure appreciate each of you!

God's Goodness

God is good. This is probably something we've all heard many times; something we're told, often. But really letting it in and soaking deep into our bones to full, firm conviction is another thing. Why is it that in a moment of fear and doubt I give way to questioning this truth?

Years ago I was not so convinced that God was good. I knew I should believe He was good, but my heart wasn't convinced. Too often I had prayed and seemingly my prayers were unanswered, or the answers weren't what I wanted. In child-like faith I had prayed for my parents to reconcile...but they didn't. I prayed my Dad would turn back to Jesus, but he didn't. Instead, he died suddenly at a young age! I prayed for physical healing of a friend with cancer, but rather than being healed, he died; and the list goes on. Of course there were prayers in there that were answered the way I wanted them to be answered, but for the most part, it seemed my teen and young adult years were filled with disappointment and withholding of blessings, rather than the outpouring of blessings. Heartache, betrayals, trials and pain seemed more numerous than the "good". God seemed harsh, distant and uncaring to me for a good portion of those years even though I was a "believer." And of course I felt shame and guilt for not really believing God was good.

I would spiritually examine myself consistently to 'see if there was any wickedness' in me. I worked hard at seeing the plank in my own eye rather than the speck in someone else's. I kept pretty 'current' with God on confession of sin and repentance. So, lest anyone be like Job's friends...there wasn't any unconfessed sin or wayward behavior that would be keeping me from God's favor, at least that I could figure out. It seemed to me that "life" was just this way and although I didn't understand it, God's goodness seemed to fall short when it came to my life. His definition of "goodness" and mine were different.

It wasn't until my early thirties that my heart began to grasp the concept of God's goodness. Again, intellectually and scripturally I knew God was good....but convincing my insides to fully embrace it was a process. During a season of intense trials and really facing a future that was uncertain, I learned to cling to the Lord more intensely, be more intentional in my relationship with him, and look only to Him for security, counsel and guidance. "Life" seemed to be on shifting sand, and I knew everything was out of my control, out of my comfort zone. I visited that fear zone where I questioned God's goodness. And then I realized, I was the one who was in the way of me seeing God's goodness, not God. It wasn't what He was or wasn't doing...it was me.

I remember that day when I understood that doubting God's goodness was questioning God's truth. Clearly we are told in scripture that God is good. Why was it that I could accept so many other truths about Him, but not the truth of his goodness? This was a faith issue for me. Even though it didn't feel like he was good, and the evidences of His goodness in my life looked slim to me, I was faced with a decision to choose, by faith, that He was and is good.

Right away I saw a change in my view of things. It is as if I went from being in a fog to seeing clearly, or as I've often referred to it, it is like another layer of an onion being peeled away and I was allowing God to get closer to my heart. I began seeing God in a new way. My relationship with Him became more personal, more intimate. Rather than holding him at arms length, my desire to know Him more, intensified. I was changing. I wanted to know more of God's goodness...not for me necessarily, not expecting a showering of blessings and prosperity, but rather, I wanted to have an understanding of His goodness in all of life, and have spiritual eyes to see that.

God continually amazes me as I see His goodness in my life, daily. I see it in the lives of others and I pray for it in my children's lives. I pray that they will not waste so many years, like I did, but rather see and understand God's goodness early on in their lives.

This past week I was praying intentionally, specifically, that my oldest son would see and experience God's goodness in a way that he would understand and acknowledge, and that he would feel hugged and loved by the Lord on his 19th birthday. I specifically asked (and others prayed as well) that Roo would see God personally touch His life on his special day and know that God was mindful of him in a specific way. What can I say, other than God is good. And Roo knew it too. God moved in some very specific ways that day--miraculous ways. My son remarked many times that day that he knew it was only because God was at work, and that He is good and cares about him. Thank you, God!

I was reminded again this week that often when we are slogging through the muck and mire, when the windshield wipers don't seem to work and our windshield is covered in rain, or the fog seems so thick that to see clearly is nearly impossible, or....okay, you get the idea...I was reminded that this is an opportunity to see God's goodness the clearest. We (I) can either get distracted by the obstacles and focus on the mud and fog, or ask to see past that and see the goodness of God. It takes faith. It takes choosing to see truth.

Thank you, Lord, for pouring out your goodness and blessings; for the abundant life we have in you when we surrender to you and trust you. Thank you for truth that doesn't change, and that you are able to change us to understand your truth.

Good Grief! Life is Busy!

Hi dear blogging friends! I'm still here. I haven't forgotten you all. But as the title says, good grief! Life is busy these days!

This week is one for the record books: I've been having rehearsals for 'Charlie Brown' 4 nights a week; my daughter is in a musical at her school, and this is dress rehearsal week for her with performances all weekend; my son has rehearsal tonight and performance tomorrow night for the high school's spring choir concert; we will be celebrating my oldest son's birthday this up-coming weekend; Add in working until 3:00 - ish everyday, running errands after work, grocery shopping, getting new tires on the mini-van, making 4 floral head wreaths for characters in the middle school musical, and singing on worship team last weekend....

Yep, I'm a little (lot) tired these days~but it's a "good" tired. Life is full and good. The Lord has been so faithful in meeting all of our needs and providing in so many ways. He is faithful!

The show is coming along great. I have to say this is one of the nicest casts I've been in. Everyone seems to genuinely like one another and we have a good deal of fun mixed in with work. I've noticed, too, that everyone seems to encourage one another. No prima donnas in the mix. It's great! The director and other "helpers" are wonderful as well and make this an enjoyable project. Here's a big shout out to Director Wendy, Musical Director Becci and Choreographer Lori! And a welcome and additional shout out to Chad (aka "Woodstock") our new accompanist!

For those of you who are "locals", check out the link for "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown" tickets/reservations here and on the sidebar.

I'll write more as time allows. Thanks for hanging in there with me! Don't give up on me! I'll be checking in again soon.

Heart's Desires and Divas

What do Lucy Van Pelt and The Supremes have in common?

Not a whole lot...other than perhaps the word "divas".

This past week I watched the movie "Dream Girls" with my girls. I had heard so much about this movie which is loosely based on the rise to stardom of Diana Ross and Supremes. Jennifer Hudson was phenomenal in this movie; enough to win an Academy Award. I was blown away by her vocal ability.

"What must it feel like to be able to sing like that?", I thought to myself as I watched and listened. I was awe struck. I could feel that spot inside of me that twitched with a little bit of envy. "God, when I am in Heaven with you, can I sing like that? Will you make it possible for me to have an unending vocal range, able to belt out a song, able to just sing from the tips of my toes, with full volume and passion? Oh, if I could do that...that's my real heart's desire."

As we finished watching the movie I had made mention to my daughters that when I was growing up I had secretly wanted to be a "Supreme." I had never wanted to be Diana Ross...not the headliner with all the fame and pressure to perform on stage and off (I don't have a soloist type voice anyway)...but I did want to be one of the back up singers. To me this would have been the ultimate dream job; singing all the fun harmony parts, doing creative, albeit silly, choreography, wearing great dresses, fun makeup and hair, performing...but no pressure to be in the spot light.

I was reminded at that moment how God gives us the desires of our hearts in ways we may not see at first. I knew I would never be a "Supreme." We live too far away from Motown. But, there was a moment when I realized God was letting me be a back up singer. I recall the first time I ever sang on worship team. I hadn't done anything like that before. I had been in choir, or ensembles, but nothing where it was just one other person (in this case my husband) and the worship leader singing. I can so vividly remember that very first Sunday I sang, almost 12 years ago! I was scared spit less, but energized all at the same time. And then we began worshiping. It's almost difficult to put into words what that was like. This wasn't performing; this was better than performing. Instead of being overcome with fear of being in front of people (which I had struggled with), or acute self-consciousness there was none of that, rather a sense of enjoyment and fulfilment on a whole new level. It came from fellowship with my creator, the one who gave me a voice and desire to sing--just singing and enjoying Him. Oh, and the joy of harmonies. There is something so spiritual about great harmonies. I love being able to be a part of harmony. To think that created voices are able to make a sound that is so rich, textured, layered and almost overwhelming to the senses is hard to take in.

Then, it hit me, I was being a backup singer. It sounds a little "worldly" perhaps, but God knew what I meant. He was giving me the desire of my heart, but in a way that would be ultimately more fulfilling and joy-filled than actually being a "Supreme."

I still get to be a BGV (background vocalist) to this day, and although I don't do any silly choreography, I have the freedom to raise my hands in worship, or even dance a little bit, but the freedom to not perform is always there. It's just the Lord and me. I still get to be a 'worship supreme'. Who would have thought that in this phase of life I would get to do such a thing.

And then there is Lucy. Lucy has been a surprise in my life recently. The Creative Arts department at our church is producing "You're a Good Man ,Charlie Brown". First produced on Broadway in the 70's and revised in the late 90's, this musical, with an entirely adult cast, focuses on a day in the lives of 6 of the "Peanuts" characters from the Charles Schulz comic strip.

When I first heard they were having auditions for the show, I immediately pushed it out of my brain figuring I was too old to audition for something like this. There are only two female roles in the show, that of Lucy and Sally. I knew some of the people who were going to audition and they were at least a decade (or more) younger than me. It seemed they would be better suited for a part than I would. And, honestly, there was probably a little bit of vanity involved--I didn't want to appear silly auditioning for a part in the play when everyone else there would be quite a bit more youthful. I didn't want to embarrass myself.

My friend Jenn (who also happens to be the creative arts director at church) suggested I audition for the part of Lucy. I began thinking more about that. Hmm. "I don't know, could I really be Lucy? Is this a good time for me to be involved in a play of some sorts? Would it work with home life and schedules and such?" Lucy was beginning to take hold in that same little spot deep inside that also was occupied by the Supremes. This could be really fun!

After more discussion and encouragement from my family (lots from my family) and Jenn, I auditioned. Looking over the audition group, I knew I was the oldest person in the room. But I felt okay. I wanted to do my best, and if for nothing else, I was energized just auditioning. Rusty, but energized. It felt good. When I left, I felt okay. I really questioned if I would get a part since matching up an older Lucy like me with others younger would be a casting task. However, there was still one more night of auditions left.

As the week progressed and I thought about Lucy more, that desire inside of me grew more. By mid week, I discovered I really wanted to be Lucy. I even dared to say it out loud to my family. All the time praying that the Lord would make me be "okay" with not being Lucy.

And then the call came from dear Wendy, the director. "Would you be our Lucy?"

"Really? YES!! "

When I first met the other cast members, I was pleasantly surprised. It seems we 40-somethings have a corner on the casting market for this show--as only 2 of the 6 cast members are younger than 40! Even Charlie Brown mentioned that he is going to dye his hair to cover up some gray just prior to the show because he doesn't want to be 'Grandpa Charlie Brown'.

The experience level and caliber of ability of the cast in this show is pretty amazing as well. I am humbled and honestly, a bit overwhelmed. I have some serious work to do to keep up with everyone! I always have a sense of "what have I done!" when I first begin working on a show. There is so much music to learn, lines to memorize (does my brain even work like that anymore?), choreography....and on and on. Yet, somehow by opening night I've learned the songs, lines and choreography. I know it will get there...but I'm still in 'overwhelmed' mode. But I'm so energized by the challenge!

This past week, I was struck once again with God and how he gives us our heart's desires in ways we may not see right off the bat. Some might think me crazy for taking on something so time and "life" consuming, especially after my latest post of having 4 teenagers in the house. But as many of my posts as of late have noted, I've been ready for a change, a challenge, something that seems worthwhile and fulfilling whether it be a new job, or new ministry, or activity outside of the house--something that would help quiet the angst I've been feeling. And that's when the Lord introduced me to Lucy. To think I almost didn't audition because it didn't "look" like I would fit. I'm so thankful He knows these things and brings others along our paths to help direct us! Being Lucy will challenge me, push me, grow me in ways I haven't grown before as well as dust off a lot of parts of me that haven't been used in a while. And, bring a real sense of joy as well.

My heart's desires. It seems God knows them better than I do, and I'm finding he enjoys surprising me with fulfilling those heart's desires in ways I may not expect. The Supremes....Lucy....how blessed am I? The trick will be keeping the "diva" factor in check.

A success

Hi! Thought I would check in. I'm still here, but really busy these days. Just wanted to give a quick review of the birthday weekend.

The birthday bash was a success. The new teen got her ears pierced. She has been waiting for quite a while. (We gave each of our girls the date of their 13th birthday as the time they could get their ears pierced; a 'right of passage' if you will.)

We also had a scavenger hunt in the local mall. That was a lot of fun. Miss S' older siblings headed up each team and led them around the mall completing their list of tasks, taking pictures with cell phones, bringing back brochures from specified kiosks, etc. The hunt was topped of with cupcakes in the food court.

We were all a bit exhausted after an overnight-er to top off the momentous weekend and I think just now have caught up on our sleep!

All in all, it was a good weekend. The birthday girl even said that it was one of the best birthdays she's had! Yeah! A success. We can now check that event off the list of things to plan and do. Whew! I love being post-birthday party.