God's Goodness

God is good. This is probably something we've all heard many times; something we're told, often. But really letting it in and soaking deep into our bones to full, firm conviction is another thing. Why is it that in a moment of fear and doubt I give way to questioning this truth?

Years ago I was not so convinced that God was good. I knew I should believe He was good, but my heart wasn't convinced. Too often I had prayed and seemingly my prayers were unanswered, or the answers weren't what I wanted. In child-like faith I had prayed for my parents to reconcile...but they didn't. I prayed my Dad would turn back to Jesus, but he didn't. Instead, he died suddenly at a young age! I prayed for physical healing of a friend with cancer, but rather than being healed, he died; and the list goes on. Of course there were prayers in there that were answered the way I wanted them to be answered, but for the most part, it seemed my teen and young adult years were filled with disappointment and withholding of blessings, rather than the outpouring of blessings. Heartache, betrayals, trials and pain seemed more numerous than the "good". God seemed harsh, distant and uncaring to me for a good portion of those years even though I was a "believer." And of course I felt shame and guilt for not really believing God was good.

I would spiritually examine myself consistently to 'see if there was any wickedness' in me. I worked hard at seeing the plank in my own eye rather than the speck in someone else's. I kept pretty 'current' with God on confession of sin and repentance. So, lest anyone be like Job's friends...there wasn't any unconfessed sin or wayward behavior that would be keeping me from God's favor, at least that I could figure out. It seemed to me that "life" was just this way and although I didn't understand it, God's goodness seemed to fall short when it came to my life. His definition of "goodness" and mine were different.

It wasn't until my early thirties that my heart began to grasp the concept of God's goodness. Again, intellectually and scripturally I knew God was good....but convincing my insides to fully embrace it was a process. During a season of intense trials and really facing a future that was uncertain, I learned to cling to the Lord more intensely, be more intentional in my relationship with him, and look only to Him for security, counsel and guidance. "Life" seemed to be on shifting sand, and I knew everything was out of my control, out of my comfort zone. I visited that fear zone where I questioned God's goodness. And then I realized, I was the one who was in the way of me seeing God's goodness, not God. It wasn't what He was or wasn't doing...it was me.

I remember that day when I understood that doubting God's goodness was questioning God's truth. Clearly we are told in scripture that God is good. Why was it that I could accept so many other truths about Him, but not the truth of his goodness? This was a faith issue for me. Even though it didn't feel like he was good, and the evidences of His goodness in my life looked slim to me, I was faced with a decision to choose, by faith, that He was and is good.

Right away I saw a change in my view of things. It is as if I went from being in a fog to seeing clearly, or as I've often referred to it, it is like another layer of an onion being peeled away and I was allowing God to get closer to my heart. I began seeing God in a new way. My relationship with Him became more personal, more intimate. Rather than holding him at arms length, my desire to know Him more, intensified. I was changing. I wanted to know more of God's goodness...not for me necessarily, not expecting a showering of blessings and prosperity, but rather, I wanted to have an understanding of His goodness in all of life, and have spiritual eyes to see that.

God continually amazes me as I see His goodness in my life, daily. I see it in the lives of others and I pray for it in my children's lives. I pray that they will not waste so many years, like I did, but rather see and understand God's goodness early on in their lives.

This past week I was praying intentionally, specifically, that my oldest son would see and experience God's goodness in a way that he would understand and acknowledge, and that he would feel hugged and loved by the Lord on his 19th birthday. I specifically asked (and others prayed as well) that Roo would see God personally touch His life on his special day and know that God was mindful of him in a specific way. What can I say, other than God is good. And Roo knew it too. God moved in some very specific ways that day--miraculous ways. My son remarked many times that day that he knew it was only because God was at work, and that He is good and cares about him. Thank you, God!

I was reminded again this week that often when we are slogging through the muck and mire, when the windshield wipers don't seem to work and our windshield is covered in rain, or the fog seems so thick that to see clearly is nearly impossible, or....okay, you get the idea...I was reminded that this is an opportunity to see God's goodness the clearest. We (I) can either get distracted by the obstacles and focus on the mud and fog, or ask to see past that and see the goodness of God. It takes faith. It takes choosing to see truth.

Thank you, Lord, for pouring out your goodness and blessings; for the abundant life we have in you when we surrender to you and trust you. Thank you for truth that doesn't change, and that you are able to change us to understand your truth.