Scary, But Exciting

Okay, this is a friendly warning...this is a totally random blog entry.

While riding in the car with my son yesterday, he quickly took command of the radio and pretty soon we were listening to the country music station. I'll have to confess, this genre of music is growing on me. My oldest son has evolved into quite the country music connoisseur and often will hum a little ditty around the house. One of my favorites that he introduced me to is the song that says if you played a country music song backwards it would say, 'you'll get your truck back, you'll get your girl back, you'll get your dog back....' Too funny!

Moving on...Listening to a variety of these songs yesterday I heard one that said something about being afraid and being thrilled all at the same time when confronted by a new adventure. It got me to thinking how true that is. Some of the best adventures or great successes come with a dose of fear, potential danger, or at the very least, some element of the unknown. A few such events came to mind: (Not in any particular order)

* A first date
* Saying "I Love You" for the first time to someone of the opposite sex
* Having a lead part in a play or musical
* Child birth
* Taking your driver's license test
* Posting your first entry on a blog
* Riding an extreme amusement park ride

I'm sure there are a myriad of others. That's where you come in. What are some adventures you can think of that are both thrilling and scary all at the same time?

Thankful I'm Not All There Is

I'm so thankful that there is someone, a person, bigger than me, wiser than me, someone beyond me that I can put full dependence and trust in, someone who never disappoints or fails. I'm so thankful I know the True God who is my Creator, my Savior, my Hope.

I think of those times in the valleys when everything is so dark and murky and I can barely see the next step to take...He is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path .

I think of those times when life feels out of control and His presence brings a peace and calm that is beyond anything I could ever muster up. His peace passes all understanding.

I think of those times when grief or sorrow have settled over me like a heavy wool blanket, and He holds me in His arms, hugging me, comforting me, stroking my head with His strong Daddy hands, being my strength when I have none. When I am weak, He is strong.

I think of those times when the depth of joy I experience is so profound that to try and express it only seems to minimalize it. I'm thankful there is One that that celebrates and dances with me, singing over me.

I think of those times I feel so utterly alone even if I'm surrounded by people. Times when I wonder if anyone 'gets me' or intimately knows me, really. And I'm reminded that He knows my deepest heart's desires. He formed me in my mother's womb. He thinks about me all the time!

I think of those times when I feel hurt, angry, frustrated, or the angst inside of me is almost too much to put into words. He doesn't reject me or fear confrontation. He welcomes me to talk to Him and seek His counsel. The Holy Spirit intercedes for me with groanings too deep for words.

I'm thankful that I have a Savior who daily redeems my life. This life that in and of itself is futile and has little meaning. Yet He redeems everyday to make it have worth, value, intention, purpose. He daily, increasingly, frees me up from those things that entangle me in this world, those things that are filled with self-importance, self-reliance and pride. As He faithfully, patiently, shows me all of my "stuff", a mysterious thing happens; I am able to love others deeper, have deeper peace, forgive more readily, have increasing faith, and my trust and dependence on Him grows stronger, my desire to know Him grows deeper.

I'm so thankful that I'm not all there is. I'm so thankful that there is One who is divine, sovereign, pure, real and personal.

Your Glory Endures Forever
By Charlie Hall

And you ride on wings of wind,
You are beginning and
the end.
Mountains melting in your flame,
Creation pulsing out your
name.
And you are forever,
And you are forever.

Your glory
endures forever,
Your beauty outshines the heavens,
And we will declare
your wonders,
Your splendor, your majesty.

Earth rotating in your
hand,
galaxies in your command,
You make and sustain the breath of man,
Your deeds go on forever.

Your glory endures forever,
Your
beauty outshines the heavens,
And we will declare your wonders,
Your
splendor, your majesty.

Glory and honor and praise,
Glory and honor
and praise,
Glory and honor and praise
Be unto you, Lord.

*Pictures taken by my son, Chris

Retreat Ruminations

Overall, the retreat was a "good" one. Going to the coast was enjoyable. The weather was wet and at times stormy but so refreshing! It is always good to get away to the coast.

I won't reflect on the message of the speaker (See my friend Kim's recent post. She has a great synopsis of what we heard and were challenged with), or the specifics of leading worship, but I do want to share my encounter with God during the weekend (which actually is what worship is about--so I guess I'm talking about worship after all.) Ask any of the women who attended and each will tell you a different story of how they were impacted and how God revealed Himself to them.

As background information, prior to the retreat weekend, I prepared each worship session separately from the retreat organizers and the speaker, relying on God's Spirit to direct. I had a skeleton outline of the speaker's notes to give some guidelines in preparation which was helpful in choosing the genre of songs, scripture to be used, etc., during worship times. Anytime I've prepared to lead worship, there is that little (big) question mark of not knowing if everything will flow together until that moment when all the components are brought together. I ask myself, am I really in tune with Him? Did I hear Him right?

As another part of worship, some of us had brainstormed prior to the retreat about creative ways to involve the women and give them a tactile way of remembering what God was showing them. A mosaic was to be the "tool" for this proverbial "stake in the ground" or pile of rocks as a remembrance of that moment--that "thing" that God was showing them that needed to be released or remembered; shame confronted, or truth embraced--was to be placed securely in Christ (represented by the cross shape of the backing) and surrendered to Him. (See Jennifer's post, "We Are a Mosaic" for more detail about the mosaic project.) In our mind's eyes we could "see" how beautiful this could be. We were energized just thinking about it and eager to have the women participate. But still, we wondered how they would receive it. Would they willingly participate? Is it totally corny?

Another element that we were going to weave into the weekend was a music video. The Lord had put on my heart the song, "Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns. I asked "Tim" at church (the visual arts guy) if he could put something together. Because of my last minute request (!) and needing to expedite things, Tim was more than gracious and put together a wonderful visual using his talents and gifts, but I was not able to view the video until we were down at the retreat! Again, another unknown, but one with such potential! I wasn't uncertain of Tim's ability, but rather was still questioning if the video would or "should" be used. When would be the best time to view it?

So, fast forward to the Saturday night session. We had worked on the schedule of things: have a brief time of worship; the speaker speaks; more worship; Jennifer introduces mosaic project; the "Voice of Truth" music video; women make mosaic.

Things went according to schedule, but what happened was beyond what we could have planned. It was a thing of beauty. Keeping in mind that the speaker didn't even know we were going to show a music video or what songs were going to be sung in worship she used words in her talk like, "truth", or how 'fear comes from listening to other voices rather than to God's' etc. She talked about surrender and God being able to take those things that have kept us shackled and release us from them. We need to identify those things and give them to Jesus.

The speaker ended her talk and Elizabeth (the pianist) and I went into worship time with songs pre-determined. We sang "He is Able", "I Surrender All", and "Spirit of the Living God" . Next Jennifer talked to the women about the mosaic. As Jennifer shared her own encounter with God's grace and surrendering herself to Him, she shared so poignantly how we are all a beautiful piece of his artwork. It was powerful. Pieces of tile were passed out to the women to hold as they watched the music video.

Lights dimmed and the video played. I cried. The imagery was beautiful--and moving. Tim's artistry in blending visuals with words like, "Out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth..." was powerful. And then seeing the image of a small boy named David, standing before the giant Goliath, ready to take him on and having the kind of faith and confidence in God that he knew he would be victorious--well, it was humbling--and powerful! (Have I mentioned that it was powerful?) It was powerful. (Thank You , Tim--and Casting Crowns!)

The video ended and lights came on. The women were dismissed and encouraged to place their tile into the mosaic. Once again I was moved to tears as the stream of women lined up to place their tile into the mosaic. No hesitation. No one feeling awkward. Some more than eager, asking if they could place more than one tile, others sharing and crying as they wrote on their piece of broken porcelain.

Women approached me, unable to speak, but just gave hugs. I was again brought to tears, so humbled by how God had moved amongst us. And that He had invited me to be a part of it all. What a joy! Several sisters asked "how did you plan all of this? It was so perfect." My answer was always the same, "we didn't, but God did." The shear excitement of being able to share with them how God had worked separately in all of us, yet together, pouring it all out in one evening for a blessing on us all....amazing...and powerful!

To dove-tail into Jennifer's blog about being a mosaic, this was a beautiful piece of art in the convergence of all the elements. Everyone using their abilities, giftings, callings to join together to make one significant moment. The glue, the beauty and diversity of the components, the impact of the evening...all God's doing.

Oh, the sweetness and beauty of the Lord. He created a multi-sensory experience that touched us all in one way or another. He didn't need any of us to accomplish it, but rather He allowed us to participate and be involved to fully enjoy Him and one another.

A few technical problems...

Hey there. Just wanted to let you know that I will give a women's retreat recap and ponderings regarding the weekend...but alas...I have been having a few technical problems with the computer. I'll check in soon!

Things I'm Working Through

I'm a little stifled when it comes to blogging this week. It seems there are so many things I'm working through--wrestling with right now--that even "writing them out" is a struggle.

First these "things" must bump around in my brain for a while as I sift and sort and process. Aah, processing. I'm a slow processor. I need to examine all the sides, all the angles, all the why's, all the scenarios. I often need to let things "wash over me". Gradually this new information-- this new "thing"-- shuffles it's way through my cerebral files and surfaces as a thought, an understanding or action. So that's where I am these days...processing...a lot.

I'm hoping that I'll have some exciting things to share after the women's retreat and will be eager to report what God accomplished over the weekend. But for now...I'm working through stuff. Creativity stuff. Worship and creativity stuff. Leadership, worship and creativity stuff. Ministry, leadership, worship and creativity stuff. Okay, its the, "God, I believe you've created me with passion and drive, but what is my purpose? How can you use all these components and what do you want to do with them?" - stuff. (Here I am...processing!)

I guess that's it. I feel that I'm in an intense "preparation" mode right now...not just for the weekend at the women's retreat...but something more long term, more specific, only I don't know what that is. This "something" is fully encompassing...beyond being a wife and mother, floral designer or part-time clerical helper...but something that is fully "me" when I'm fully being filled with Him. Some of you will understand this or be able to relate it to something in your own lives. It is that same sense I have when I'm worshiping and singing...that is when I feel most like the "me" I was created to be. And it isn't a performance thing...I'm very "average" in the singing department and have a limited range...it is in the "being". Free, released, real.

Anyway, this process I'm in right now is kind of exciting and exhilarating....but unclear. It is a "sense" I have that something is around the corner. Have you experienced that kind of anticipation ...that hopeful feeling? It's like standing on the doorstep of a house where there's a party happening inside, knowing that soon the door will be opened and you'll be invited in. It's that kind of anticipation; that kind of presence of His Spirit.

So here I am, sharing random processing thoughts. This is where I am these days. Working at being still so God can be in control and move, and wanting to move so God can direct my paths.

Abrahamic Faith and Cleaning out the Closets

Reflecting on our Pastor’s message last week on "Abrahamic Faith", I have thought a lot about Abraham's willingness to follow God no matter what; his willingness to go on a wild adventure with God all the while clinging to the covenant God had made with him. The last point on Pastor John’s message and challenge to us as a congregation was that in order for us to have a faith like Abraham, we must be willing to trust God.

He posed the question, “Do you trust God?”

“Well sure I do. I trust God” I thought to myself.

Then pastor probed the congregation a bit deeper. “Do you really believe that God wants to give us an "enlarged life", a blessed life and one that bears fruit and impacts others?”

I heard one "amen", but for the most part was stunned by the deafening silence of the congregation's response--or non-response--to this question.

Again, the question was reworded and posed to the congregation. This time a few more mutterings of agreement...but for the most part silence. I found myself unable to speak, or even mutter a half-hearted acknowledgement convicted that at times, I don’t know that I wholeheartedly believe this. I know I should believe it. I want it to be true, but do I really believe God wants to enlarge my life? Can my life impact others? Hmmm.

When I think of God first approaching Abraham and making the covenant with him, had I been in Abraham's place, I would have had the urge to give God a "correct" view of things.

"Um, God, one little detail....I can't have descendants if I can't have children. Are you aware of the obstacles and parameters of my life? Let's be reasonable. And besides, I'm just a very average person, pretty ordinary...don't you want to pick someone a little more dynamic or someone already "known" and in the public view. Perhaps someone that is already involved in leadership or has had leadership training? Well, come to think of it, there are some real talents and abilities I DO have that you should capitalize on instead…by the way, you do know that I’m middle aged don’t you?"

As Pastor posed his question, I was confronted with that closet that resides inside of me. From observing the congregation last week, it seems that others have this same closet inside of them.

This internal closet is self-focused on what I’m not able to do--my ordinary self, the average me; the ‘blends-in-with-the-crowd’ me; the ‘I’m-the-Jill-of-all-trades-but-master-of-none’ me. I suspect there are a lot of others with internal doubt closets filled with boxed up insecurities, past mistakes, failures, or shame bundled neatly in the corner. This closet is dimly lit by a 40 watt bulb, giving just enough light to rummage around in it once in a while. For the most part the closet just sits untouched, only visited when there is a heightened sense of fear and I am needing an excuse or reason to not trust God or do the seemingly impossible.

But there is another kind of internal closet---the walk-in. This closet is self-focused as well…focused on what one is capable of doing without God’s aide. This closet is lined with the best and most up-to-date storage receptacles filled with every accomplishment, every talent, everything anything a person is capable of doing, the master of the craft, the truly gifted, one-of-a-kind, “Mensa”-worthy. The containers all have a “puffed up” appearance to them. These containers are filled with awards of recognition, accolades and accomplishments. This closet is illuminated with neon signs that say, “I’m your woman (or man)! I can do it! Aren’t you lucky you picked such a talented person!” This closet is often visited when feeling particularly low or needing a “boost” from others; sorting through the piles of abilities and talents, ready to pull one out and use it at any given moment whether or not God is asking.

Whether dimly lit or neon, these closets keep us self-focused and our attention diverted so that we aren’t focused on what God is ready, willing, and able to do in our lives. Our lives become only about us and not about God at all.

Perhaps the first step of really trusting God is to clean out our closets and get a right view of who we are in Christ. We need to fill our closets with Christ’s light, asking Him to sort through each item, discarding it, surrendering it to him to take care of, or perhaps taking it out, dusting it off and using it. Obedience in dealing with the issues in our closets draws us closer to him. As we trust him with the smallest of closet contents and see Him gently and masterfully free us from the weight of these items, or experience the joy of using these items for Him, we will increasingly trust him with bigger things and increasingly become God-focused, not self-focused, God- secure and not insecure or self-secure.

Cleaning out closets is a community event as well. In this body of believers we are to be speaking truth into each other’s lives, exhorting one another, giving words of encouragement, identifying talents and gifts in others, giving opportunity for service to those not regularly sought out…these are all ways we can urge one another to live a life of Abrahamic faith, one that is willing to trust God, sure of who He is and what He wants to do in us so that we can in turn be a blessing to others.

Mental Check List

The ever present mental check list. Unlike the slim, magnetized pad of paper that hangs on my refrigerator for listing those much needed items from the grocery store, my mental checklist is lodged somewhere in my brain and seemingly never runs out of pages. It is the unseen memo-taker in my head that keeps a running list of things to be accomplished, tasks to be completed, problems to be solved.

As of late, this mental "to do" list seems to be growing and I'm feeling the weight of each item added to the list. Weariness and fatigue are setting in. I can feel it. Actually, I'm just plain ol' tired these days. Rarely do I hit the snooze button on my alarm, and every morning this week I have done so at least 3 times!

Sometimes I make a reminder note to myself on the aforementioned refrigerator pad (which sometimes doubles as my "refrigerator mental checklist reminder pad") all in an attempt to mark off another 'have to' or another 'need to'. These days, my partial list looks something like this:

* Make 4-month retainer check appointment for son
* Make orthopedic appointment for daughter's knee pain
* Make orthodontic consult appointment for same daughter with knee pain
* Do taxes;
* Get songs chosen for women's retreat
* Talk to the speaker at women's retreat to go over some details

* Call Mom; it's been a while since I've touched base

* Call sister to follow up on moving plans
* Discuss new work schedule with part-time employer (which involves cutting down hours!)
* Buy craft supplies for youngest daughter's health project (due two days from now!)
* Get music to retreat pianist
* Go with oldest son to the doctor for what seems to be tonsilitis
* Look over schedule for the upcoming weekend and make arrangements for various activities
* Check with husband on his meeting plans

* Convince self that sinus pain and scratchy throat are due to a weather change

* Call retreat organizer for clarification and more information
* Out of milk. Make note on refrigerator list.

* Call local florist back who left a voice mail asking if I'd be interested in doing some Valentine's Day design work. NOPE! How about Mother's Day?

* Rented movies were due two days ago. Return them...NOW!
* Vacuum
* Out of vacuum cleaner bags, make note on refrigerator list

* Put some thoughts down on paper as I ponder Pastor's message from last week
* Pick up tickets for upcoming concert
* Blog
* Check email

Oh, the joy of checking off an item on this mental check list! A wave of giddiness has been known to wash over my spirit as I mentally check off another item. Today I felt this giddiness...more items marked "completed" and taken off the list with the help from others who helped carry the load or gave of their talents and abilites to enable me to complete my task at hand. I'm so thankful for these respites, for God's provision and for dear ones that give aide.

Well, time to end this posting. The evening is getting late and my mental check list is lurking about:

*turn dishwasher on
*say goodnight to kids
*say goodnight to husband
*pick up a few things, put a few things away
*let dogs out one last time
*brush teeth
*wash face
*turn off lights
*set alarm clock
*crawl into bed and get cozy
*drift off to sleep, determined not to hit the snooze alarm in the morning.