Duck, Duck, Odd Duck--Part 3: And the Truth Shall Set You Free

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29:11-14

I can vividly remember those days, weeks, years when God began to change my life and I stepped into freedom. God broke down the box I had lived in and reshaped my life.

I became a Believer when I was a small child. I believed then and still do now, that we all sin, and that Christ died for me and paid the penalty for my sin with the giving of His life. I believed then and still do now, whole-heartedly, that the Bible is God's word to us, that this is truth and undeniably real. Although I professed this belief as a child and into my early adult years and gained all the knowledge possible through theology classes, Bible study, Christian Ministries major in college and years of involvement in leadership at church, there was a part of my life that I didn't--wouldn't--let this "knowledge" penetrate. I had great head-knowledge of truth, but there was a disconnect with my heart--my inner most being.

In those early years of marriage and parenting, life was seemingly "normal". I told myself I was content, although honestly, I was not satisfied and our relationship was not thriving. There were some tell tale signs, little inklings, that all was not well in my household, but there wasn't anything definite, nothing I could put my finger on. Just an underlying feeling of being unsettled, an "angst" of sorts. I just chalked it up to the stage of life we were in, busy parenting 4 young children. I had found a complacency that seemed to make things work. I was coping.

We all have "coping skills" that kick in when we feel threatened or want to self-protect. These compulsions bring a calming, familiar presence to something or give us a false sense of control to the uncontrollable. I'm not saying they're healthy, but they are part of our make-up. For some these compulsions might be the need to always be cleaning, or over exercising, being a work-a-holic, or having an addiction of some sorts, perhaps overeating, sleeping...the list goes on.

My compulsion was working harder--working harder at being a good wife and mother. I figured that any problems or dissatisfaction I was having in my marriage must be my fault since my husband seemed happy. (As a side note, the "truth" came out later and of course I found this to not be the case.) My self-"odd duck"-talk resurfaced and I soon turned on myself with comparisons to others and disgust that I couldn't be "perfect" or that I was lacking in too many areas. My view of the world at that time, was that everyone else had life figured out (which a number of them did) and I didn't...therefore, I needed to work harder at "getting it"...Whatever "it" was. So, I just kept working harder at being the 'godly' wife, the 'perfect' Mom by reading all the 'How-to-be-the-best-Mom-ever' books, ever clutching tighter to the only security I thought I had--my little family--and convincing myself that eventually I would have that inner peace, that calm inside my spirit. I kept busy in activities at church, involvement in organizations, etc. that helped distract me enough to numb the internal pain I was in.

But things continued to spiral out of control...out of my control. Oh, I put up a good front at church, but I didn't dare let others know what was really happening in my 'real' life; my marriage was on the brink of dissolution (which I know we were both responsible for); I was depressed; and that ever-increasing self- talk was more accusatory and loathing all the time. Finally, through a series of events, I "hit bottom", and came face to face with the denial I had been in. I finally admitted to myself that the very thing that I had placed my identity and security in (being a wife and mom)had betrayed me and I was losing everything. I couldn't do it anymore...everything was beyond my control...beyond myself.

I had to look at myself and what I really believed. I was not only in a crisis in my marriage, but at a crisis point in my faith. One day I wrote in my journal something like 'if I lose everything, do I still believe God is enough?' What did I really believe? And if I proclaim Christ as Lord of my life, what does that really mean? How do I walk by faith? What is that, really? I also was finally honest with God, admitting, verbally, that I thought he had made a mistake when he created me. I was a screw up, a total loser...what possible good could come out of me? What WAS He thinking?

Laying in bed that November morning over 12 years ago, I was crying, pleading with the Lord just to get me through the day. Everything seemed unbearable. Much too heavy. Too much to endure. I accused Him, questioned Him about this spiritual journey, "Surely there is more to it (the Christian life) than this! What about your promises that you came to give life that we might have it more abundant? What does that mean?" I asked Him to make sense of things and guide me through this. "I can't do this anymore!" And then came those words so clearly impressed upon my spirit...undeniably Him speaking to me. "Cheryl, that's why you need to know I love you."

Crying, I admitted to Him that I didn't know what that meant. I had tried so hard to understand, but I didn't know, I didn't believe all that he had said about me...that I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I asked Him to guide me through that. This was the beginning of the process of really letting TRUTH get into all the crevices of my being--the process of becoming a real believer and choosing to believe all truth and not just some of it. (If I am to be a wholehearted follower of Christ, then I cannot pick and chose what His truth is...I either accept everything He says as Truth, or none of it is. This doesn't mean I can't ask Him questions about it or try to understand it better...but it is up to me to receive it or not.)

It is difficult to explain how a lot of the healing process happened, other than to say it truly was a super-natural experience; only one that could have happened on a spiritual level. Don't get me wrong, there were some counseling sessions in there, lots of journaling, tears, anger, etc. But it was all orchestrated and directed by the Lord. This is the wonder and mystery of God. We want so desperately to have a hand in our own redemption, but really it is surrendering to God and asking Him where we are getting in the way, and asking Him what He wants to do. We either choose to be responsive to what He shows us, or we're not. We are obedient, or we're not.

I was convicted of sin in my life--the unconfessed sin of poor self-esteem and unbelief. You see, I didn't believe God at His word--but in fact I had been disagreeing with him that what he created and said was 'very good', I was saying was not good and that he had made a mistake. Regardless of what my upbringing was like, or what emotional injuries I may have had as a child or young adult, I was responsible for what I believed. I either chose to believe what others had said, or believed what God said. I could choose to hold onto hurts and injuries, or trust God and hold onto Him and believe His promises that He makes all things new. The light- bulb-moment was when I recognized that I was not truly being a follower of Christ! Somehow, I could believe as truth the death and resurrection of Christ for my salvation, but I was choosing to not believe other parts of scripture where He talks about me being his beloved child. This confession and repentance was a turning point in the "odd duck" syndrome and the healing process began.

In reflection, healing is scary and not for the faint of heart. Healing denotes that some kind of injury or damage has occurred...or in this case, surgery was performed. Low self-esteem or other such sin is a lot like cancer. It is subtle, quiet and invasive. It is also one of those sins that is somewhat "acceptable", especially for women, so early detection does not always happen. Like a cancer, surgery needs to be performed to remove every cancerous cell, to eradicate its presence. The surgery can leave scars that are a reminder of the journey, but they can lead to a life of wholeness, and freedom from cancer. Spiritual surgery is much the same. There may be scars left as reminders of what we have been saved from, but they are also reminders of what we have been saved to. And, they can be used to give hope to others who may be inflicted by the same cancer.

I would have to say that any scars I have are a reminder of the blessing of freedom that I daily experience: freedom from myself; freedom to love myself as God loves me and to be patient with me as I'm on this journey; freedom from the "shoulds" of the world; freedom to have a life of adventure with God as I continue to learn to trust Him more deeply, lean on Him more intently and know him more personally; freedom to not be self-reliant, but God reliant; freedom to not hold onto the superficial things of life for security, but to let go; freedom to firmly grasp His hand and hold on for dear life.

Truth has set me free.

Coming up next: Conclusion to the Odd Duck.