Christmas Ponderings

Sitting in the quiet of my house with a dried-up Christmas tree standing tall in the corner, sipping new Christmas flavored coffee, tempted to eat the remainder of a Christmas cookie left alone in a festive Christmas tin, and looking at the new software program poised on the computer desk that resists being installed in an easy and cooperative manner--I find myself reflecting on the holiday.

It is difficult to believe it is that time of year again. Where has the year gone? I know I say this every year...but this time, I really mean it...where did this last year go? How can it be 2007 already? Weren't we just preparing for the impending doom and chaos of Y2K? Yikes! I know time flies when you're having fun...but I've concluded that time flies even when you're not having fun. In fact, what you're doing has nothing to do with the rate at which it flies...it just does.

"Time" is an element that seems to bother me more and more as I grow older. It becomes further out of reach. The rate at which my children grow-up seems to speed up; The rate at which my outer self changes accelerates; the rate at which technology like i-pods, cell phones and digital imagery morphs is mind-boggling. Even the joys and triumphs of the year seem quickly eclipsed by the next trial or tragedy. Like my outdated computer operating system, I feel that my operating system is slow, and I can't quite process things at the speed that is required in order to keep up with life and the rate at which it seems to propel us forward. I want to savor moments, like Christmas celebrations, yet when I go to the grocery store the day after Christmas, I'm confronted with Valentine's Day candy!

This past Christmas season, determined to wrangle this time beast and hold onto the precious moments of the holiday, I tried something new. I began by really allowing Christ to be a part of the season. Elementary, I know. (Some of us are slow...remember?) What I mean by this is that I surrendered the season to Him. With my Thanksgiving lesson still recent enough to recall, I was determined to surrender and be willing to give up whatever "traditions", plans, activities, and so on--those things that in my mind "make" it a 'great Christmas'--and instead allow the Lord of my life to orchestrate the season. Some of you may be thinking, "so what's the big deal?"

For many of us the weight of creating a memorable holiday is a constant pressure (I especially feel this being a mother); an ever-present mental "to-do" list that we wear as a holiday accessory, checking off each item as it is completed. Add to that the pressure of making sure all the gifts "come out even" for the kids--in number and value--well, it can be exhausting! Each year I try to shorten my list, but I have as yet to escape it. However, this year, I allowed the Lord to make my "to-do" list. It occurred to me that perhaps all those list items that I think are important and crucial to a fulfilling, enduring holiday reminiscence really aren't all that necessary? This is what His list looked like:

1. Make only two batches of cookies, instead of the entire holiday cookie book.

I polled the family on their top picks. We still made the cut-out cookies, but it was much easier this year as we spread the process out over a few days; 1 day to chill the dough, 1 day to cut them out and bake them and still another day to decorate. By the third day and at the end of decorating, we began "commando icing" which translates into slapping on icing in a fashion Picasso would condone. What mattered most was that we were all having fun and laughing.

2. Say "no"...and this time, really mean it.

Often what I want to do and what I can do are different because of time or availability restraints. I'm working at being more practical about these things, and learning that more often than not the opportunity will come along again or in some cases, something better will present itself. The Lord is teaching me to not stress about these convergences, but trust Him in them. (I still need lots of practice however!)

This past Christmas season, creative leadership at church requested submissions of a brief (100 words) essay from members who would like to share significant ways that God has moved in their lives. My first response was "Great! I want to do that for sure. God has been so present, working and teaching..this should be easy!" Well, after multiple beginnings, and several re-writes, I had a real sense that I wasn't "supposed" to write anything, but rather I should say "no" to this opportunity. Why was it that something so full in my heart kept coming up empty on paper? It isn't as if anything I had to share was profound or Pulitzer-worthy, but it still seemed like a "good" thing to be involved in. I had to really surrender this one to Him. I don't "get it"...but I'm okay with it. (As a side note, it was a blessing being at the Christmas Eve service and having others share their stories of how God broke into their world. I'm so glad that others told their stories, and look forward to reading more.)

3. Limit the buying. Give other kinds of gifts.

My kids love getting together with their cousins for Christmas and traditionally, we do this later in the day with my side of the family on Christmas day. However, this year, because of other family plans, we all celebrated together on the 23rd. It was such a fun-filled day. My oldest sister gave the gift of planning and executing the day. Acknowledging that each family was wanting to cut down on the gift-buying, the day was focused around performing a holiday program for my mom, Grandma BK, as our gift to her. All 12 of the Grandkids participated. Five of the boys practiced and performed a live band number complete with guitars and drums while my brother, Uncle Rich, sang. My husband Ron sang "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" while my niece Amy interpreted in sign language (she is nationally certified as an interpreter). Then there were two other musical parodies the Grandkids performed which included choreography and singing.

We had a "white elephant" gift exchange with the adults--limit $5.00-- and the kids exchanged names, but with the focus off of buying and on giving ourselves, a whole new realm was opened up--especially for the kids. What a wonderfully full day that was. Everyone had such a great time.

4. And finally, focus on the presence of one another, not presents.

We kicked off Christmas day by attending a Christmas Eve service the night before. The service was warm and personal. I really thought it was an exceptional night. Usually reluctant to attend, the kids each commented on how good it was...and of course...holding lit candles is always a plus.

Christmas day we were home all day with nowhere to go. We were pajama-clad the entire day. The pile of presents under the tree was smaller than in previous years, but that is largely due to the fact that as the kids are getting older, their gift choices are getting more expensive yet smaller in size! However, I think they were just as excited over getting new socks as they were their one "big" gift. One of my treasured gifts was given to me by my oldest son. Unsolicited, he came up behind me while I was fixing dinner, hugged me and kissed me on the cheek and then walked away.

We have all marvelled at what an exceptional Christmas this was; not exhausting, not pressure-filled, not stressful at trying to fill expectations that are never satisfied, but just simplified and re-focused. It truly was a blessed Christmas and one I am still savoring. Time seemed to slow down this Christmas and for that I'm thankful.

I have lots of ponderings to share about the New Year...but I won't rush... there's plenty of time to do that.

Holiday Treats

I thought I would share a couple of God's "holiday treats" we've tasted during this Christmas season.

The sweetness of prayer
This is "peak" season for my husband, a busy UPS guy. It is not uncommon for thankful "regular" customers to give him small gifts of homemade goodies or gift certificates to show their appreciation of his faithful service throughout the past year. This year has been no exception. This last week he brought home a card given to him from the Vietnamese nuns he sees frequently while delivering their communion supplies. He opened the card and read, "You and your dear ones are remembered daily in the prayers and works of the community." I was so touched by this sincere gift of prayer. What a blessing!


Senses seasoned with God's Power
Our local high school presented their annual holiday concert on Thursday night. Yep, you're thinking correctly...this was during the early hours of an intense wind storm that swept through the area. Shortly after the concert began, the power went out; the sound system went dead, main stage and auditorium lighting went black as emergency lights simultaneously came on. The decision was made by the principal and choir director to continue with the concert. The audience was in full agreement. Several different ensembles sang in dim light, reading music with the aide from cell phone lighting; pianists played as page-turners doubled as flashlight-holders.

The main choir performance was saved for the end of the concert. This is the 78 voice choir that most typically sings a capella. My son is a member of this group. As they entered from the back of the auditorium, the women began singing a South African freedom song. The room was filled with wonderful sensations of harmony, a percussive beat, and words that sang out, "We are marching to the arms of God." As these words were song, the auditorium shook with a the impact of a large wind gust. It was quite poetic. The song segued into a Nigerian Christmas song, "Betelchemu" (Bethlehem) which the young men began singing. When interpreted, the words say, -I'm so glad I have a loving father I can trust' (paraphrased). Again, but more intense and prolonged, came another blast of wind that shook the building, as if to emphasize the words being sung. I was keenly aware that God was participating, "singing" right along with the choir.

The wind seemed to die down and the choir continued singing their program. Their final selection was "Dona Nobis Pacem" or (if I understand this correctly) is "Grant us Peace." Again, the choir moved from the risers and encircled the audience. As they sang this beautiful, soothing, Latin round, the room was filled with a hush. A low, yet intensifying, rumble began. It crescendo'd to a burst of wind that again shook the rafters and eaves of the school. The final note was sung. The wind stopped. Peace.

May your senses be filled with the aroma and sweetness of God's presence. Merry Christmas!

All You Need Is Love

With teenagers abounding in our household (in April when our youngest turns 13, we will officially have 4 teens, ranging in age from 13 to 18!) there is no shortage of drama as it relates to relationships, either with the opposite sex, or in friendships. It is a continual "ride" comparable to a them park attraction, navigating through a maze of twists and turns and unexpected highs and lows.

Having both boys and girls, it has been a course in human development as we discuss their relationships. My sons will talk about their love lives, or friendships, but not give a play-by-play like the girls are prone to. The male of the species are much more pragmatic in their approach; "Well, this is how it is....", "Girls are so confusing!" My daughters convey every detail, every nuance; " He said...., and then she said...., which made me mad because she didn't have to say it with such a nasty tone in her voice like she thought she was 'all that'...." Discussions can be quite exhausting at times.

As a parent I feel such a sense of responsibility to guide them to a true understanding of what "love" is, both in friendships and those special relationships. We've had many talks about what God says real love is and what the world says love is. (I guess you could say this is where I'm encouraging my children to be counter-cultural. ) I want to be wise in giving them any kind of advice, wanting to be based in truth of scripture and not worldly wisdom. I want to teach them--show them--what "real" love looks like when it is "fleshed-out". But, wow...how does one do that??

The world says love is based on emotion, but scripture teaches it is based on giving, action, even sacrifice:

"For God loved the world so much He gave his only son, that whoever believes in him will not perish but have everlasting life." (John 3:16)

"This is how God showed his love among us; He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him." (1 John 4:9)

1 John 3: 16 says, "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers."

Never mind being a foreign concept to my teenagers...this is a difficult concept for me to grasp! What does this really mean? How do I really do this in everyday life? How do I "love" the gas station attendant as he pumps my gas? How do I "love" the "sand paper people" in my life (those people that irritate me beyond belief but God has allowed them in my life to smooth out my rough edges)? When I was a young mother, how could I have loved my "neighbor" when I was exhausted from caring for small children, and didn't have resources like time or money (or energy) to give to someone else?

These are the thoughts that plague me. I battle the conflict between wanting to be an obedient, authentic servant, being real in my love for others; and yet not fall into a snare of self-condemnation and guilt that comes from fear that I'm not measuring up or meeting some invisible love-your-neighbor-daily-quotient-meter. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." (1 JOHN 4:18) Hmmm. Lots to chew on.

What I'm learning is that there really isn't a "right" way--or more accurately, only one way to love others. (Okay, maybe I'm dull headed--many of you probably already have this figured out!) Instead of giving us one way to show love to others, God in His Word (and wisdom) gives a multitude of examples, leaving the field wide open: God gave his son; Christ died for us; Paul gave his life writing and teaching out of deep love 'for all the saints'; church members cared for the widows and orphans; others provided for the poor; and so on. Love is multi-faceted just like God.

When I consider the words, "God is love", I am compelled to look at him and examine him. Who is He? What is His character? It seems my ability to love others is proportionate to how well I know Him. The deeper my relationship goes with the Lord and the more intimately I know Him, the deeper and more intimately (I'm not talking romantically here) I can love others; And, I don't have to worry or "fear" about not measuring up or meeting a love-quotient because loving is a natural by-product of the relationship with God. God's Holy Spirit living inside of me guides me and shows me how to love others--It may be a word of encouragement, or an act of service, or it may mean praying in an intercessory manner--whatever is needed for that moment. My responsibility is to be "tuned in" and be willing to be obedient to the Spirit's direction. Again, I love the simplicity and freedom of following the Lord.

As we continue to travel this wild and wacky road through teenage heart-ache, I'm so thankful I can point each of them toward a love that never disappoints and never fails. I'm thankful for the example of how God loves us and how we can love others--without all the drama!

A Thanks-Giving Eve

It was a good Thanksgiving day. We had a "little" Thanksgiving gathering--My husband and myself, our 4 kids, my mother and one of my sisters and two of her kids. Everyone enjoyed themselves. We ate good food, watched a DVD, laughed, played a game, shared some stories, and went to bed with full tummies.

Even though the actual holiday was a blessing, I think I enjoyed "Thanksgiving Eve" almost more so. No, this isn't some strange family tradition that my family has--we don't attend Thanksgiving Eve services at church and sing Puritan songs, or beg to eat 'just one appetizer' the night before the big feast, or leave treats out for some mythically huge turkey who will come and leave us surprises--but we do prepare for the coming feast day in a somewhat ritualistic manner. There are pies to be made, jello salad that needs to be "molded", sweet potatoes that need to be cooked prior to being "candied"; special family dishes that need to be mixed together, ready to be cooked the next day.

There was something different about this "eve". All of my plans were thrown out the window when I woke up Wednesday morning extremely nauseous. This is definitely NOT how one wants to feel the day before Thanksgiving! I hadn't been feeling well for a few days, but convinced myself I was just tired, or just out of sorts--anything but sick. However, Wednesday morning convinced me that some "bug" had taken over my insides. After calling into work as a "no show" and canceling my last physical therapy session, I chose to get back into bed, unable to do much of anything else.

Crawling into bed I felt that sensation of worry mixed with responsibility, with a dash of obligation thrown in there. "We have to have Thanksgiving dinner! And what about Mom and my sister and her kids? They are planning on sharing the day with us!?!'

Then, clearly, impressed on my mind were the very words from James that I had been reading these past days in my Bible.

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city,
spend a year there, carry on business and make money, [or have Thanksgiving
dinner and have the family over?]." Why, you do not even know what will
happen tomorrow. Instead you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we
will live and do this or that." James 4:13-15

In the next chapter, James writes, "Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray..."

Well, that's a novel idea. Surrendering Thanksgiving to the Lord. Hhmm. Surely James is only talking about our goals and ambitions, isn't he? Could he really be suggesting that I surrender everything to the Lord and ask Him if it is His will?? Yep, I think so. I couldn't shake it. God wants the details of our lives...even something that seems as benign as a holiday gathering.

So that's what I did. I prayed. I know this seems simple enough. I would love to say that prayer is always my first response to troubled or trying situations, but usually prayer comes in about third place. My initial reaction is just that, a reaction, complete with worry, agitation or grief, followed by a responsive action which kicks in my analyze-and-problem-solve-mode, working at finding a resolution to the situation. Then, finally third, is praying after I've settled down enough and have really thought about things. I'm working at having prayer be a first response....it's a process...but I'm learning!

So, finally, I prayed about this Thanksgiving Eve situation. I thanked the Lord for a cozy bed to sleep in, for a job that I can call in sick to (and know it won't be a huge inconvenience to my employer), for an illness that I was hopeful would last only a few days. And then I turned Thanksgiving over to the Lord. 'What do you want to do regarding Thanksgiving? I don't have a clue. Please show me what's what...and please work in Ron and kids and show them too and let us all know how this will work, if it will work, should we cancel, etc., okay?' t sounded like a lame-o prayer, but I knew the Lord would understand, and thankfully the Holy Spirit interprets! It was as eloquent I could muster in my compromised state.

I fell asleep and awakened 2 hours later.

I had such a peace. There was such a peace in knowing that whatever happened with Thanksgiving, God was in control.

As the day continued on, it was a day filled with blessings and joy as I watched God take care of the details. After sleeping, I felt a little better, but still on the "benched" list. The kids all rallied after school to pitch in and prepare things. Ron had called me from work and suggested we postpone the dinner until Sunday when I would hopefully be feeling better. I called my sister and Mom and gave them the heads up that things were not shaping up as I had planned, but, we could still possibly "do" Thanksgiving if the Lord cleared the way to do so. Everyone was on "stand by".

By dinner time, I was feeling pretty good! I had some energy and was able to eat a little bit. Things were looking up! I felt well enough to "do" Thanksgiving dinner and felt like the Lord was giving the green light to go ahead and inform my relatives to plan on it. I still had some grocery shopping to do, needing to gather those last few remaining items, so I enlisted my children to go to the store with me. They all willingly complied. We carried out our "divide and conquer" game plan at Winco and got done in record time amidst the masses. We actually had fun! Everyone was very much in a holiday spirit.

Once we got home, it was time to prepare the "favorite" dishes that would compliment the feast. So once again, having previously asked each of the children and Ron what food item they most wanted to have at the Thanksgiving dinner, I had that child help prepare their requested favorite. Everyone took a turn in the kitchen, mixing and measuring. It was so much fun. My daughter was ecstatic over making her first pecan pie ever!

Exhausted, I finally sat down 2 pies, 1 jello salad, 1 apple crisp, and one rice/broccoli casserole later. Looking around the living room, I realized that all six of us were present--at the same time--in the same room! This was a rare occasion! We began talking about the coming day, sharing what we like best about the holiday, discussing when we should put the outdoor Christmas lights up, and then figuring out the placement of this year's Christmas tree and arrangement of furniture. Someone shared a holiday memory, which began a stream of stories that made us all laugh and smile. We had such a great time together. Even my oldest son who seems to be rarely home, turned down repeated requests by friends to go out and socialize. We just enjoyed being together. It was such a blessing.

Thanksgiving day was really nice. The food was good. I felt better, although not great and not fully healthy. Everyone seemed to really enjoy the day. But really, Thanksgiving Eve, was my favorite part of the holiday. What a blessing from the Lord! He attended to details, worked in each person to make things "flow" and was so present in our family time. We couldn't have "planned" an evening like that--He orchestrated it beautifully.

I'm thankful for the lesson I learned this week about the simplicity of following the Lord. If I'm in trouble-- pray. Don't become locked-in to "plans", but instead, ask 'God, is this your will?' Then leave the driving and guiding to Him.

I'm Chevy Chase, and You're Not!

And now, it's time for the WEEKEND UPDATE.

Okay, I've dated myself... But those who remember SNL ( "Saturday Night Live") in its golden days (mid-1970's to early '80's) will remember Chevy Chase's famous tag line as he presented THE WEEKEND UPDATE, weekly...on Saturday nights...live. It just seemed fitting as I pieced together this entry. (At least I didn't use Dan Aykroyd's "Jane, you ignorant ..." That would have been hard to work into a post!)

Really, this is a post about "updates" not SNL or Chevy. Onward!

Rather than bore you with a long laborious post I thought I would share a few updates on life as we enter into the weekend.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
This is my birthday weekend--Sunday to be exact--#47! (How can that be??) Time to celebrate! Plans are in the works to have a girls night out ( possibly a slumber party too) with my two sisters at my oldest sister's house. It should be a really fun, relaxing time with lots of talking and laugher! A joint, family-dinner-out-at-a-nice-restaurant-celebration is also planned with my husband and the kids to celebrate my spouse's birthday as well. His big day was a week and a half ago and was a big one! We're still trying to coordinate everyone's schedules to make this dinner thing happen.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

I am now 7 weeks past my wrist surgery. It has gone quickly. I am continuing to have physical therapy weekly and will for another couple of weeks. At my 6 week check the doctor said I was 'right where I should be' in the healing process, so that's great news. This week was the first that I've gone completely without wearing my splint! Woohoo! I also only took Advil one day this week and there are more days without swelling than days with! My pain level is pretty much nil. The tricky part now is regaining coordination and strength in my hand and wrist and stretching daily to work out the stiffness and get my range of motion back. I even have some pretty neon yellow "putty" to play with!

I have two sets of scars; one on the top side of my wrist where they repaired the frayed edges of torn cartilage, and then on the palm side of my hand and wrist where he decompressed the ulnar nerve. I have a wild zig zag scar from almost mid-palm (centered under my ring finger) down to my wrist. It zigs, then zags, then zigs again. It is improving daily and according to the doctor, a year from now it will blend in more!! (ugh!)

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Mom began chemotherapy this week. The doctors determined this was her "window" if she was going to try it. She has a lot of peace in that decision and one that she made on her own. We are all supportive of whatever she decides--its her life. So far she is doing well and feeling optimistic. It will be another week or so before she really begins demonstrating side affects, but so far she has felt good, just tired.

I don't know why things happen like this, but this past Wednesday, just prior to receiving her first chemo, Mom received a call informing her that her sister, Helen, had died early that morning. She is Mom's oldest sibling, and the last member alive of her immediate family. It was a surprise. Although Aunt Helen had been in an Alzheimers care facility, she had been in good health and doing relatively well, I believe. (Aunt Helen was 75? Something like that. My Mom is 68.) Although they don't have all the information yet my cousin, Steve, said it appears she went to bed Tuesday night and died sometime during the night in her sleep. God is so merciful.

Please be praying for Mom as she is on this part of her journey. It is such an unknown, but she is knowing the Lord deeper in new ways as she moves forward.

********

My mother-in-law was hospitalized last weekend. They are still trying to determine what is wrong with her, but have narrowed it down to a possibility of two very serious viruses. She has had declining health all year, but regardless of how often she is hospitalized and we all think "this is it", she comes back from the edge of death and keeps going strong. We are praying that the Lord will take her home to Heaven quickly and peacefully when His timing is right. Please pray for my husband and his sisters as they continue addressing her needs and continue to make decisions regarding her care and treatment. Please pray for peace for my mother-in-law.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I have been working full-time hours for about 4 weeks now. My little part-time clerical job (15-20 hours a week doing basic clerical work) has suddenly hit high speed, fast and furious, as the insurance guy I work for is in the middle of a big project. It has been a bit tricky adjusting to this kind of schedule and accomplishing anything at home, or do any kind of floral work--but so far, so good. The extra money will be great as we head into the holidays and, again, God's provision, he is supplying all of our needs for a few financial "things" we hadn't anticipated. I have enjoyed being busy and even more-so since my hand and wrist continue to heal. This schedule should continue through February or March and then taper off again.

@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@

The Holidays are coming. Not really sure I'm "ready" for them, but sipping a peppermint mocha at Starbucks last night helped a wee bit. It felt "special". I started feeling the stirrings of holiday-ish-ness. It made me think of one of my favorite Christmas-season songs, "Silver Bells." I connected with this song at some point in my childhood and I've always loved it. It makes me feel all warm and cozy. Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sisters do the best version on Bing's Christmas album...yes I said album...or as my kids used to say when they were little, 'the really big CD's'.

"Silver Bells"

Silver Bells, Silver Bells
It's Christmas time in the city
Ring-a-ling, hear them ring
Soon it will be Christmas Day

City sidewalks
Busy sidewalks
Dressed in holiday style
In the air there's
A feeling of Christmas
Children laughing
People passing
Meeting smile after smile
And on every
Street corner you'll hear

Silver Bells, Silver Bells
It's Christmas time in the city
Ring-a-ling, hear them sing
Soon it will be Christmas Day

Strings of street lights
Even stoplights
Blink a bright red and green
As the shoppers rush home
With their treasures
Hear the snow crunch
See the kids bunch
This is Santa's big scene
And above all
This bustle you'll here

Silver Bells, Silver Bells
It's Christmas time in the city
Ring-a-ling, hear them sing
Soon it will be Christmas Day

Silver Bells, Silver Bells
It's Christmas time in the city
Ring-a-ling, hear them sing
Soon it will be Christmas Day

Soon it will be Christmas Day

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Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself, first things first...

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Ad-vo-ca-cy: Speaking up

ad·vo·ca·cy n.
The act of pleading or arguing in favor of something, such as a cause, idea, or policy; active support.

Advocacy. This "idea" has been on my mind a lot lately. It seems I'm encountering it almost daily. Though the venues are different, the heart of the matter is the same...individuals with passionate conviction who argue in favor of or show their active support, speaking truth on behalf of someone or something.

Many fellow bloggers have recently been advocates, or have found themselves becoming advocates. My friend Kim shares her "October Blues" experience about being an advocate for her church, supporting the building of relationships and connecting with one another in the church body. Jennifer, another dear one, who is passionate about others sharing their story of how God has moved in their life and is anticipating the unifying effect it will have on the church family. My newly transplanted blogging friend from Mississippi Yolanda has become an advocate for Pacific Northwest living and presenting the case for enjoying the beauty that surrounds this area and the One who created it. And then, there are still others like Leah who challenges us all to "Cooperate with Joy", or Libby who examines advocacy up close and shares that with us in her "Pain Killer" entry; and a couple of my fellow blogging "brothers" Dean and Dallas who discuss the recent confession of the hidden lifestyle and sin of Ted Haggard, and their plea in favor of being Christ-like, advocating a response from fellow believers that is grace-filled.

In my own experiences as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, Believer, church member, leader, employee... etc., I have been called to be an advocate quite a lot lately. I'm discovering it is not for the faint of heart. Although my "platforms" have been on a much smaller scale and not as profound as some others, I find a kinship with other advocates. I think of well known advocates like Martin Luther King, Jr., Billy Graham, and Gandhi and consider the price they paid for "speaking up". There seems to always be a "cost" to being an advocate; it may be as minimal as someone just verbally communicating disagreement, or on the extreme end of the spectrum, bodily injury or even death if the wrong person is ticked off.

So, I ponder-- Why speak up for someone we don't know, or some value or principle we strongly believe is right and truthful?; Why take on the cause of fighting injustices even when it doesn't directly affect us?

I consider scripture that speaks of being an advocate. Proverbs 31:8, "Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and the needy." And Luke 10:27, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and, love your neighbor as yourself." I'm convicted in that I am called to this life of "speaking up" for others or injustices. I have a responsibility to my "neighbor"--to actively love them. (The story of the Good Samaritan lives this out)

I'm challenged by the practice of advocacy, serving in word and deed, and keenly aware at how often I fail in it. I can see the need to "speak up" all around me, or live out my convictions by my actions and yet, at times, I'm too much of a chicken to do what is right. I can default into 'self-protect' mode and stay quiet rather than arguing in favor of a cause or stand against injustices; or my skin is still a little too thin and I fear a critical comment or two. This is what I am growing in these days...being confronted with...internally being asked the question, "What will you do with this, Cheryl?" It's scary and unknown, but good. The conviction and call to be Christ-like keeps me driving forward one step at a time.


Baby steps and practice... that's what I'm learning, but I want to press on. This is just the beginning and believe me, I'm fumbling through this more than I'm feeling "successful". I want to be an "advocate" for advocacy and ask you to join me. If you need a starting point, I'd suggest checking out blogging brother Brad's (I couldn't resist the alliteration) recently posted pictures. This moving post should compel us all to act, or react as the case may be. At the very least it should convict us all to answer that mass-mailed "Thanksgiving Dinner" donation plea we all receive from the local rescue mission. Baby steps.... I've also included two links below to some other "causes" that are dear to my heart that I want to "speak up" for. I encourage you to check them out and become involved in some manner.


The Dalit Freedom Network is an organization that my family became acquainted with this past year. The "Dalits" of India are known as "the untouchables" and it means just what the name implies. I had the opportunity to go to India this past year and had the privilege of meeting some Dalit women. I was overwhelmed on so many levels. I caught only a glimpse and minimal understanding of the injustices these dear people face daily...but my heart was broken. My family joyfully sponsors a Dalit child through this website, so that they can attend school and have hope in their lives. I encourage you to consider becoming involved in their lives as well.

Another "cause" that has come to the forefront this past week is on behalf of my dear friend "K" and her family. K's brother and sister-in-law have been imprisoned for trying to rescue their daughter, Brittany (K's niece)from known abuse at the hands of Brittany's biological father. Our twisted court system is not protecting Brittany, but rather has given her over to the biological father. Save Our Brittany is a developing website where more will be coming forward on how to help and support this devastated family and ways you can be involved in being an advocate for them. Please be praying for them, pleading their cause to our Heavenly Father (a prayer guide is posted on the website) and please send them notes of encouragement via the website.

Forecast: Partly Cloudy with a few Showers

I just had to give a weather update following my previous, "Stormy Weather" post. No, things haven't changed 180 degrees, but there have been a few moments where the clouds have parted and a ray of sun has shone through. Or should I say the "Son" has shone through.

God is so good to me. To us. I'm so thankful for his gentle reminders that he is always at work in our lives, even when we may not think it is so or feel like it. Remember when I said that experience has shown me that just when I come to the end of myself, God swoops in showing his sovereignty and power? Well, He did that last night at church. God's fingerprints were all over the evening.

What is interesting to me, is that now, in retrospect, I can see the intensity of the spiritual battle going on throughout the day prior to church time; everything to discourage us from making it to church last night. It was our (my husband and I) evening to sing on the worship team. Both of us woke up yesterday feeling totally exhausted. I am fighting some kind of sinus stuff, and he was tired from a long week at work at a physically demanding job. His back felt as if it would spasm at any moment. Our youngest child is sick with a bad cold and was not feeling up to going to church (she's old enough to stay by herself and quite an independent sort), one was working and the other two had involvements at church that required some coordinating of schedules. Honestly, it would have been much easier to just bag the whole day and start over tomorrow.

But, because of the commitment we had to singing we knew we had to be there, so we went, feeling totally drained and fatigued. During our pre-service prayer time we just surrendered to the Lord and knew we had to be dependent on Him--we both felt we had nothing to give. (We always know this, especially when participating in leading worship--but it was even more so last night.) From that moment onward, it was evident that God took us at our heart pleadings, and took over--From the songs that we sang, to the song my husband sang as a solo, to the encouragement of conversations with dear friends, and the convergence of people in the right place at the right time, to an impromptu meeting, to hearts being open and humble, to grace given and received--God was so present, not only redeeming the day, but showering us with his presence and love. It's kind of funny (odd) that last night's message was entitled, "Running from God". For me, a more accurate title would have been, "Hearing from God and running right into His arms!"

I'm still in the storm. But I'm so thankful for the break in the clouds. For the respite of sonshine that warms me and encourages me to keep going. I'm thankful for the prayers of many and am reminded to be praying for others in their storms.

God is Faithful!

Stormy Weather

It has been hard to blog lately. I'll confess, I have felt a little "dry" when it comes to thinking of things to post on my blog. Not because my brain isn't churning with thoughts, but rather, I don't want to be a downer or sound like a whiner. But I'm conflicted...I want to be real. I feel the call on my life to be authentic and transparent. This means blogging even when I'm not feeling particularly inspired or creative.

Life has been extremely difficult for many weeks if not months. I am feeling pressed on all sides. Almost every relationship, every role, every responsibility is being challenged and tried. I am mindful of the blessings in my life, mindful of God's provision, and trust that He really knows how much I can handle...but it is feeling like too much--more than I can continually bear. But still, I will myself to continue to trust and believe that He is able. Experience has taught me that whenever I finally reach my point of feeling completely helpless and powerless, God swoops in, showing his power and sovereignty. So I tell myself, ' just hang in there a little longer'. But once again, I find myself dabbling in my insecurities and the uncertainties, the heaviness, the emotions, the despair...the unknown.

'Really, God, can you make something good out of all this muck? Can you do it soon? I don't know how much longer I can hang on.....'

Today, as I was driving on the freeway, I put in an old Dennis Jernigan CD which "happened" to be in the car, that I hadn't listened to for years. Seemingly out of order, a song came on, its words pierced my heart.

You Will Be My Rock
by Dennis Jernigan

When stormy weather comes against me, ravaging my heart...
Some storms seem so long they never cease.
When stormy weather comes against me, take me where you are,
In your arms a constant state of peace!

You will be my Shelter! A place where I can run!
A Rock! A sure Foundation that cannot be overcome!
You will be my Refuge! A place where I can go!
A Rock that will surround me when
the winds begin to blow!

When the winds blow and the waves crash all
around me, You are like an island in the middle of the sea!
When the winds blow, stormy waves about to drown me,
You will come surrounding with a Refuge of Peace!

You will be my Fortress! A place where I can hide!
A strong and mighty Warrior who will never leave my side!
You will be my Father! My heart will be your home!
A Rock that can't be shaken when the
winds begin to blow!
You will be my Rock!
You will be my Shelter!
You will be my Rock!
You will be the Shelter for my soul!

When everything around me seems to fall into the sea,
Crushed by waves that beat incessantly,
When everything I've trusted in just falls away from me,
In your arms I find securty.

Reflecting on the words of this song, I continued driving toward my destination. Passing by an old church, I noticed their sign which had the church name and hours for the services. Below this, where the sermon title would usually be found were the words, "God Is Faithful."

Thank you Lord, I'm listening.

So, today, I'm choosing to cling to my Rock for another round of crashing waves, fully aware that I may get drenched in the process, but not carried out to sea. I may get wind-blown, but not ravaged by the raging wind, because I'm going to choose to hide in my Shelter. As Psalm 62 says, "'He only is my rock and my salvation..."

Thank you, Lord, for reminding me today that you are always present, all powerful, all knowing. Thank you for speaking directly to me. Please encourage others on the journey as well, that you will be our Strength, a very present help in time of trouble.

Hey, how are you doing these days?

Do you ever find yourself in a quandary when a friend asks, 'Hey, how are you doing these days? What's going on in your life?" Sometimes one week can be so full of activity, emotion & events, there is just too much to go into and very little time to elaborate. So, perhaps it would be easier to sum up a week with a list of words. What do you think?

I'll give it a go. This is the summation of my week:

sleepy

cold

enjoyment

joy

blessings

heartache

tears

laughter

prayer

petition

reasoning

talking

loving

rejoicing

distracted

burdened

worried

angry

peaceful

content

restless

uninspired

stumped

mellow

withdrawn

devoted

So, Hey, how are you doing these days? What words describe your life ?

Dancing With The Stars

I'll confess, I'm a "Dancing With the Stars" fan. You know, that "reality" show on TV that matches up a professional dancer with a celebrity and then the pair competes weekly against similarly matched couples. The goal is to see which celeb can outlast, and out dance the others. For some reason, I have gotten totally hooked on this show. I like to daydream about being able to glide around a dance floor with grace and elegance, or be in such great physical shape that I could do a quick step and not pass out or have a heart attack in the process! And honestly, if I was in such great shape and had the toned bodies of those professional dancers, I might even be willing to wear some of those wild, skimpy outfits.(hmm, okay, well, maybe not...)

I haven't given up on the dream of dancing, or being able to move my body in such an athletic yet graceful manner. I'd still like to take ballroom dance lessons at some point in my life, but I'm realistic--I could never get to the same level of professionalism as those strutting their stuff on ABC. But I'm thinking that maybe Heaven will hold more hope.

I've contemplated Heaven and wondered so many things about it. For instance, since we will have new bodies, and not be bound by limitations in our former earthly bodies, I've often wondered if we'll still do or have similar capabilities like we do now. For example, if we enjoy singing now, will we really enjoy singing in Heaven just that much more? ( Or teaching, dancing, etc.) And, will we be able to do them without limitations or restrictions? I've been hopeful that Heaven will hold a limitless vocal range for me. I dream of being able to worship God in full voice, soaring through a high range of notes, gushing forth from the depths of my soul, and not bound by the alto voice I have now.

In Heaven, will we have another dimension to us...still us...but a complete us--worshiping, praising and glorifying the Lord to our fullest extent? I think of the verse in Isaiah 55:12 where the Lord says to Israel , "...the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees will clap their hands." I think we are given a hint of how God does things. He sees all the dimensions of his creations--what His creation is without sin's fetterings. Did you know that trees have hands? Me either. And did you know that mountains and hills sing? (Well, yes, actually I did since I've seen "The Sound of Music" a gazillion times. "The hills are alive, with the sound of music, ahhh-ahhh-ah- ah...."). Just kidding...but you get my point. God talks about an entirely differerent dimension to trees and hills than we know. (Or is He just being figurative and poetic?)

A few years ago a friend told me about a book she had read, where a woman gave an accounting of her "near death" experience. (Whether you believe in near death experiences or not is not what I want to debate here, however, something she shared, is. ) The author said that while in "heaven" she walked in a huge field of flowers. The colors were far more brilliant, richer and deeper in tones and hues, than anything we've seen. But what really got here attention was that the flowers were singing! I love that image! Wouldn't that be just like God? Not only do flowers smell great, are glorious in their colors and design, but they sing their praises to their creator as well. They glorify God by being fully what they were created to be, not limited by this sinful earth. Oh, I hope Heaven is filled with singing flowers!

I also have thought about C.S. Lewis' illustration of what Heaven is like in The Chronicles of Narnia. (It has been many years since I've read the passage so please correct me or give me more information if I have this wrong). If I remember correctly, it is in "The Last Battle" (is that the right name? My brain just had a memory blip...)when Aslan is taking the children to his home that is by way of the river and waterfall. As the lion leads the children up the river and up the waterfall, the beauty around them intensifies. The 'further in and higher up' they go everything around them is richer in color and textures unlike anything they've seen before. I like to think Heaven will be like that. Richer and deeper in texture than anything we've ever experienced.

So as I ponder about Heaven, and the mystery of it all, I think about nature praising and worshiping its Creator, not bound by what we know here on earth. What surprises there must be waiting for us. What a joy will be ours! Perhaps I really will be able to sing without limitation and maybe, just maybe, I'll be 'dancing with the stars'--of the celestial type!

Reflections on Posting

Note to self: Not really sure why you're dredging this up again...Just let it be...Maybe no will notice and you can go on....You're just setting yourself up for disparaging comments ; or taking a risk again...Why Cheryl, Why?

Note to self: Oh yeah, because you think being a catalyst for discussion, for getting brain cells sparking, for moving forward out of our comfort zones and trusting God deeper is worth it.

It has been an interesting week or so. There has been quite a bit of discussion both posted and emailed to me, regarding my post about "church" and leadership--"Thoughts about Church: Medical Technicians or Post Op Nurses?." The majority of comments have been positive, kind in nature, accepting, and candid about their own personal challenge to be relational in their leadership; but I did receive one seemingly negative comment, but chose to leave it posted so as to be balanced and fair. So, all in all, not a bad ratio I think.

What a ride... I have repeatedly questioned myself, motives, concepts , etc., as I've allowed my blog entry to stay posted. I knew when I first submitted it that this was a potentially volatile "pondering". I knew there was a risk that those who attend the same church I do, could be offended or if they chose to, could view my writing as a personal indictment, or I could be viewed as a trouble maker. (I'm guessing "anonymous is one such fellow member--or leader.)

As I shared with a friend, I've had to examine the words I chose and ask myself if I still stand by what I've openly processed, and yes, I do. However, I probably would make a few clarifications and not leave so much room for speculation as to my intention, my meaning of things, etc. So in that, I need to be responsible, so this is a good lesson for me. I want to be sure what I write and allow others to read, is really what I mean, and if I've accurately conveyed my intentions, thoughts, feelings, insights, etc. I realize I can't control how others react to my writings, but I can control what I say and how I say it. So this is good....I can learn and grow from this.

So, for the purpose of good communication, let me clarify a few things in my previous post about my thoughts about church:

1. I'm not picking on my home church. I'm talking about "church" in the organizational sense, and yes in the spiritual sense as well. I've been in many churches throughout my life...And there are a lot of similarities in how churches are structured, especially in the denomination I have been a part of. And, realistically, since I am part of church currently, it seems quite natural that I would refer experientially to what I know and experience now.

2. Leadership is a broad term and I probably should have been more explicit in my terms....I'm talking about any kind of leadership--administrators, teachers, pastors, group leaders, elders, etc. I've been in many different leadership positions, currently I'm on the worship team...so actually I'm talking about myself as well.

3. Naively, I didn't think that spotlighting the strength of a majority of our leaders would be controversial, calling them 'skilled technicians, capable and professional'. But I can see where, if you tried, it could be construed as a negative thing. What I realize I neglected to say was that there are some very relational leaders as well. And I don't think the two are exclusive, but generally speaking, people aren't strong in every area. For example how could I be offended if someone said to me that I wasn't a concrete-sequential type? It's true, I'm not...I'm totally the random-abstract type...And that's okay!! I'm so thankful there are others that are strong technician/professional/get-the-job-done-types. I'm so not that way--I have a difficult time doing that! I was pointing out the need to have more Audrey types added in and involved, because from analytical observation there seems to be an imbalance, and if we as a church are truly going to be family to one another, which in my thinking involves relational skills...Then by deduction it would seem there needs to be a better balance of things. No one can be all things to all people.

4. When I spoke of being burdened for my home church, and crying during worship it wasn't because the music was bad--which it wasn't, or that I was disgruntled with the worship pastor--which I' m not, or that I think the church is in sin or falling apart--which it isn't. I should have either expounded on this more, or just not addressed it...But since I opened the door, I'll finish it.

It was a couple of weekends ago when my husband and I were singing on worship team and the subject of the pastor's message was about glorifying God. During worship, the presence of the Holy Spirit was thick--almost palpable--Our senior pastor mentioned it, people in the congregation talked to me after that service about it--something significant happened.

It was during this service that I was overwhelmed with the burden to be praying for my church(which I would think others would see as a good thing). Standing there, facing the congregation, singing the words "may your glory fall in this room" and then witnessing it....I couldn't sing any longer, but rather cried. My heart ached that this church would be a church such as that-- that we will push beyond what we know and what is familiar--and be open to where God is leading--and He will be glorified in it. Again, for clarification, and to be a responsible blogger, I know that the "leadership"* of the church truly want to be obedient to God's leading and are seeking that.

For whatever reason, God has burdened me with this, and for some reason has been giving me lots of personal exposure to leadership stuff-- both as a leader and as a non-leader--in many different venues, over many, many months, if not years. Some of these encounters have left me frustrated and I'm still working through with "leadership" on a one on one basis... But none that would bring me to the point that I would lack integrity and bare all on a blog. As a side note, I think there is a stigma that you can't be a "good" church member if you disagree or have a difference of opinion with anyone in leadership (or a fellow leader) --you're viewed as not being a team player. But I think of the example of marriage. My husband and I often do not see eye to eye on things, we are about as opposite on the personality spectrum as you can get and usually one or both of us are frustrated with the other. But we don't just walk away and decide "we're out of here", nor do we sit and pout and take on the "woe is me" attitude. We hang in there, talk and talk and talk some more, seeking to understanding, fighting for our relationship and pressing forward. I feel I have the same responsibility as a church member whatever church I'm in--I have that responsibility as a part of the body of Christ.

I have never, nor will I ever, blog about any specific personal issue regarding my marriage, or call my husband names or grouse about him on the internet, etc, but to say, "we're arguing" is just being real. What married couple doesn't argue? Similarly, I would never do that regarding God's church. But what church doesn't have struggles and growing pains? To say, there is room for change or growth is real...it's honest (I think this is called walking in the light...) .

But, I've digressed...Along with this burden comes the desire to be obedient...Even to the point of rejection by others or leaders...If that is what I truly believe God has called me to. (*See my working definition of "leaders" above).

And, finally~

4. I neglected to put in written word that this exhortation applies to me as well. As I was writing, I asked myself what kind of a leader am I? What are my strengths and weaknesses. Where do I need to improve? Where do I need to do work? Well, clearly, working harder at communicating more clearly would be good start.

So as I said before...This is good. Growing is always good. Not being complacent is always good. Desiring to connect more, dialogue more, debate--it's all good.

Now, if you would like to comment, please feel free except this time, anonymous ones aren't allowed. I'd like to encourage others to own their words as well. (Again, for clarification, "anonymous" is meant in the general sense, not directed at "Anonymous" who left the anonymous comment--"Anonymous" the person is more than welcome to leave another comment, but you'll have to use a name this time.)

Thoughts about Church: Medical Technicians or Post-Op Nurses?

The male medical tehnician took my arm in his hands and began unwinding the elastic bandage that held the splint tight to my wrist protecting the surgery site. His manner was rather abrupt and matter of fact as if he didn't realize that this area might be tender and sore, needing to be handled gingerly. He was very skilled at what he did, but there was an absence of consideration as to my comfort level. He had a job to do and he was getting it done. After doing the task, he abruptly left the room and said someone would be in to see me shortly.

Gazing at my exposed, stitched, bruised and swollen hand I had such a sense of being so alone and wounded. (There weren't even magazines in the room to distract myself.) Everything was all very clinical; the job was getting done, yet I felt so vulnerable. I even told myself, 'Cheryl, this is silly, you should be just fine...nothing big happening here...just surgery...they're used to it...just get over it.'

Several minutes later, another technician came in announcing she would be removing sutures. She said very little, and began her work. Being dutiful, she went about cleaning the newly exposed wound with gauze dipped in peroxide. She was good at what she did--dried blood and topical surgical ointments were cleaned away--but little consideration was given to me, the patient, whose hand she held in hers. I was entrusting myself to her. Again, I told myself, "Don't be a baby, Cheryl, just grit your teeth and get through this...this must be okay...they've done this so many times before. They're the professionals, you're just a patient..what do you know?" After removing the total of 12 stitches, she abruptly left saying she'd see what else needed to be done. "Just wait here."

Again--alone and isolated--wounds exposed, hurting, waiting.

Several more minutes passed when suddenly Audrey, my doctor's nurse, popped her head in and asked me how I was doing. She wasn't asking if I needed a Band Aide, or more gauze, but she was asking how I was faring in light of having surgery and how the mending process was going. She spent time talking to me about recovery, explaining the process and helping me better understand what to expect. She looked at my wrist and hand and exclaimed, "Oh, it looks so good, it sure is healing nicely."

"Is she looking at the same thing I am?" But inside, I felt a glimmer of hope, an assurance that I was on track. Here was someone talking to me, addressing my concerns, my feelings of vulnerability and pain. She heard me, validated me and affirmed that this is all part of the process. My course of healing might be similar to others, but it may take a little longer, or a little shorter and require more or less physical therapy. She took time to treat me like I mattered. That is what I was needing at this point in my recovery period.

I was struck by this experience and how it ties into thoughts I've had about "church" recently--not necessarily my local church--but "church" in general. In recent months I have become burdened with a heaviness--a concern-- for our church. During worship at church this past Saturday night I cried tears for God's church, my church, that I love and want to desperately fight for--fight for following God's heart and what he calls his church to--what He calls His leaders to. I'm still working at puting into words everything on my heart--but I do know as I seek the Lord in these things, the Holy Spirit is clarifying things for me.

You may have heard the sentiment that church should be more like a hospital--it is for the sick and wounded. I agree with this. We are all sinners, unhealthy, wounded, cancer-filled. Only Christ offers real healing and wholeness. He's the master surgeon in that regard.

But really, shouldn't the church strive also to be the recovery room and "post op" filled with gifted assistants to do follow up and post-op care? I think the example of this is set by its leadership. Through the years, whatever church I've been in, from observation and experience, it seems that "church" leadership is more heavily weighted toward the medical assistant-types I encountered-- capable, proficient, intelligent technicians who get the job done--but may not be strong in the relational areas. So, I guess I'm wondering, why aren't there more Audrey types in church leadership? (Obviously I'm not talking gender here--but personality and relational type. Just because someone is either a woman or a man does not mean they are or aren't relational.) I can appreciate that a balance must be the goal, but aren't people and relationships--loving one another and connecting--what Christ has called us to. So wouldn't it make sense to add in more Audrey types to balance things? People need to know they matter. If we really are 'the family of God', and the goal of the church is to be a family, shouldn't we treat one another and speak to one another relationally like family rather than like an organization?

Audrey was being Christ to me yesterday. Sure the techies got the job done and my wound will heal, but what helped me the most yesterday was someone letting me know I mattered taking time to talk to me in my process. (She even checked back in with me as I waited to go see the physical therapist 45 minutes later--And this is no small office...they see literally hundreds of patients each day.)

My prayer is that God's church will find that balance of the medical technicians who get the job done, and more Audrey's who do follow-up care.
**NOTE: Comment added later by author. Please be sure to read the follow-up blog "Reflections on Posting" and subsequent discussion.

Hunt and Peck

I couldn't last any longer! I just had to post! Oh, I've wanted to write so badly, but physically have been unable to. I'm still not really "functional", but I've resorted to the ol' tried and true hunt-and-peck method. Thus this will be a short entry!

I'm still recovering from my surgery. The orthopedic surgeon says it went very well and was a success. I should be feeling great once I'm fully healed! My bandages and stitches are to be removed this Wednesday! Yippee! I look forward to the emancipation! I will still be in a removable splint for several weeks as I regain mobility, but, oh, it will feel good to let my arm breathe! (I know, I'm such a pansy--and so impatient--in total it will only be 13 days--good thing my arm isn't broken!)

My mind has been filled with ponderings--some clearly Vicodin-induced--others that have been heavy on my heart and mind. It will be good to get reconnected with blogging and each of you.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers and well wishes. "Talk" to you soon!

Random Ramblings and Leave of Absence

Just wondering~
Was I being totally petty when I asked the girl at Starbucks to wash her hands before she made my mocha, which was right after she returned from wiping up a mess underneath a table with a cloth, spray cleaner and her hands?

Do you think it's a "coincidence" that since writing my 'Saturday Blessings' blog and my recent 'living by faith(Morning Coffee with God)' blog that my daughter is suddenly going through some really hard things at school and with friendships; my husband's windshield got smashed by a rock yesterday; we were hit with a financial "thing" that we didn't see coming; the promise of some temporary full time clerical work for me suddenly changed and doesn't look that will pan out; I was asked to do a significant amount of floral work within these next two weeks, which would be some good income, but can't because I'm having surgery on my wrist; and there are some increased "issues" with some of my other children.

Should I expect to get a full $10.00 of gas when that is what I asked for and paid for (plus an additional $.50 just for using my debit card) and the guy manually stops the pump at $9.98? (Okay, I WAS petty and asked him for my other $.02 worth...!)

Taking a Leave of Absence~
Tomorrow's the day. Wrist surgery! I haven't been nervous about the prospect...until this morning...realizing that tomorrow morning at this time I'm willingly walking in and allowing them to poke and probe. I'm sure I'll be glad once it is over...well... once I've recovered and am fully functional again.

I'd appreciate your prayers. The surgery should take about 2 hours under general anesthesia--Yeah!! I don't want to know anything that is going on! The doctor is performing a number of procedures, so I'll have a few scattered scars, but nothing like Frankenstein (I think). Dependent upon how much repair is needed (He'll know better once he has a 'visual' inside) I'm looking at 2-6 weeks in a splint/cast thing-a-ma-jig.

So, here's to modern medicine. I'm thankful that I can get "fixed"(It's becoming more difficult to post--very painful--but I'm willing to sacrifice!) but sad that I will be out of commission for a little bit and will have to delay blogging...at least temporarily...although I am prepared to "hunt and peck" if I just can't wait any longer!

Happy Wednesday

I love Wednesdays. As a school aged child it marked the middle of the week and the hope of the weekend approaching.

As an adult who is working part-time, it marks the end of my work week and the beginning of a long weekend.

As an avid "Lost" viewer, it marks the beginning of a whole new season of weird stories and intrigue.

Early Morning Coffee with God

It's early morning, again. Another middle of the night wake-up call. Unfortunately, this is not unfamiliar. I guess what others might call insomnia or perhaps too much caffeine during the day is something I have come to recognize as morning conversations with God. It is not unusual for God to 'call me' during the night. ( I fear I just lost a good percentage of you on the grounds that you have concluded I'm a total loon! Hang in there with me...) Some of His most profound work in me has happened during the wee morning hours as others sleep. Evidently this must be the time I'm most still and I can hear Him the loudest! It isn't as if some kind of trumpet goes off in my head or an alarm with the sound of harps suddenly plays. No, it is just a sudden awakening (literally). I'll be sleeping soundly and then, I'm awake. Very awake--we're talking alert and feeling fully rested--awake!

There is another side to these early morning risings. I've recognized that the Holy Spirit is not the only spirit working at this time of day. I have had early morning assaults from the enemy as well. This can be prime time for him to weasel his way into my mind and stir things up while my defenses are down and my armor is stowed for the night. I try to be diligent about praying for protection over my mind at night...But sometimes I forget.

This morning I woke up with my heart pounding and a sensation of fear overwhelming me. Hmm, I knew where this is coming from. I wish I could tell you that I immediately began praying and seeking the Lord's protection and peace, but no, my first thoughts were, "Oh, great, I'm going to be so tired in the morning and dragging through work all day." Then, I began giving attention to these feelings of fear and worry that were blanketing my mind. Logically, as I thought through all of the things happening in my life right now, I thought to myself, "I have reason to be concerned, or worried, even fearful. So many things are out of my control. There are so many 'what ifs' right now and at any given time I might just go over the edge!"

As I continued laying there, pondering, I began talking to God about these things. Primarily, selfishly, I first asked that He would just help me go back to sleep. Nope, that wasn't happening. Okay, then 'how about just quieting my mind and my spirit so I can drift off and stop thinking about things?' Nope. And then, a single word was impressed on my brain.

Faith.

"UGH! Not faith! UGH again! Okay, Lord, so you're telling me that this will require something of me? More work? I'm tired of working at life!"

Well, needless to say, the impulses in my brain began firing, bringing me to this point of being fully awake at 4 in the morning, knowing my alarm will be going off in about two hours to mark the start of my day. But, I can't shake this prompting that I think God wants me to share this with all of you. Perhaps it will be an encouragement to some, or a reminder, or an assurance.

After that singular word was in my mind, it was quickly followed up with the scripture that says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1 (I had to look up the reference...that was not impressed upon me!) Then immediately after that, a second passage came, one that we're probably familiar with:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete,
not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4)

What the Lord showed me is this. We are called to walk by faith all the time. Not just when things make sense, or look like they'll 'work out', or especially when we can have a hand in the outcome and contribute to the results. All those "what ifs" are prime candidates for faith.

And living by faith isn't wishy-washy. It isn't conditional. When He uses words like "sure" and "certain" this requires my wholehearted conviction, my intimate understanding of who He is. Do I really believe God is who he says He is? Do I believe everything He says is true? Do I really mean it that He is Lord of my life? Do I trust Him? Can and will the Holy Spirit really guide me and show me where to go?

I don't just "have" faith. (Maybe those who have faith as their spiritual gifting do just have it?) For me, it's work. It's an action, a decision which requires exercise and discipline. Living by faith is a daily, moment by moment choice. I can choose to believe God's written word is relevant, alive and real, and I can choose to see God's obvious work and continued faithfulness in my life as reasons to continue having faith; Or I can choose to think that this time the giant is a few inches too tall, the sea is too large to part, and the stone is too heavy to roll away.

Having joy in all the stuff of life is a challenge. I struggle with it. At times it is hard not to feel overwhelmed. But "joy" is not an emotional, 'boy this feels great', or a coerced, 'I'd-better- be-joyful-in-this-or-else-I'll-have-to-repeat-this-lesson' state of mind. Again, joy is a choice and takes work. Like faith, joy requires conviction. It is intentionally trusting, having faith, that God is at work even in the midst of all the hard things of life. This is our hope. A "knowing" that brings peace and stability when our footing is so unsure. I can be glad--have "joy"--because it is in those circumstances when my faith is being stretched and I feel like I'm gong where 'no man (woman) has gone before'; when I choose to believe what He says is real and true; when I am certain and sure of who He is--It is through these "trials" that I know Him more deeply, more personally and am that much more sure of who He is, that much more certain of what He is able to do and that much better equipped to handle the next round of "life" that comes my way.

So, in these early Monday morning hours, I may not feel joyful, and there may be a lot of circumstances telling me that "life" is difficult and worthy of worry and fear, but I'm going to choose faith. I'm choosing to consider my trials a joyful thing because I am certain my Lord is actively at work in the midst of them. I'm sure He's mindful of every circumstance and is asking me to trust Him. He wants to show me more of His amazing power, and grow me toward real life in Him that is not defined by my circumstances. He cares about me, (and you) intimately and couldn't wait until daylight to tell me so!

Cherub Faces

My son's alarm was blaring, marking the beginning of another high school day, but he was still sleeping soundly. As I went into his room to turn off the alarm and make sure he was waking up, I took a moment to look at his face. I was reminded of the same sweet face that would greet me in the early mornings when he was an infant--those baby days when he had the sweetest, roundest cherub face, rosey lips and pink cheeks that begged to be kissed.

A scene from the movie "Hook"comes to mind. Peter had returned to Neverland but the lost boys didn't recognize him because he had aged. One boy places his hands on Peter's face and pulls the skin tight, revealing a youthful looking Pan. Gazing into Peter's eyes, the boy exclaims, "Oh, there you are, Peter!" I feel that same sensation as I look past the facial hair stubble and the defined, strong features of my son's face. Gazing beyond the manly features, and pulling back the years, I think, "oh, there you are my sweet boy."

In this moment just before the day begins, I still see that cherub face now disguised as a young adult. Oh, thank you for the joys of cherub faces still greeting me in the morning.

Duck, Duck, Odd Duck--Part 4: Conclusions

I've always had a strong dislike of personality tests, or inventories, or skills tests, or whatever you want to call them. It is part of my rebellious streak that resists the idea of being "evaluated". The idea that some "professional" or statistician with a series of numbers and traits corresponding to the quantity of responses given to the affirmative, which fall within the median scope of the general populous, which when factoring in the control number of x and.....

You get the idea. I'm me. How can someone I've never met, who hasn't talked to me and knows nothing about me, tell me what my personality traits are, or what my strengths are? There is something so...impersonal...about it. I tend to want to discuss the questions--and my answers to those questions--with the test itself! For example, I may pose the question, 'so what are the circimstances I'm faced with in this particular scenario? Is this before or after I had children? Why do I have to pick just one color? Don't you know that combining colors is much more appealing to the eye?' and on and on. And then of course, I want the opportunity to give explanation to my answers.

Oddly enough a "personality test" was just the tool that the Lord used to set me on the path to knowing myself better and continuing to free me from the grips of the odd duck. I went to a women's retreat from church early on in my process. "Coincidentally" the speaker had all the attendees take a Meiers-Briggs Personality Inventory. I was actually intrigued. Her goal for the weekend was that we would know ourselves better and know one another better as well--appreciating the similarities, and loving the differences. My results for the inventory didn't tell me anything I didn't know, but rather it confirmed what I knew to be true of myself-- which somehow strengthened me. My "type" was right there in black and white. 'I'm a type'! Wow! I found new appreciation of who I was, and my appreciation for the inventory grew a wee bit. Maybe these personality test aren't all that bad afterall.

Next, the speaker had us get into groups by "type". She had us make some observations. Looking around the room, what was most noticeable to all the groups, including my fellow "group-ies" and me, was that "our" group contained the least amount of people! We were feeling quite "elite". Our group was comprised of intuitive types who were much more interpersonally motivated, creative, unstructured and visionaries at heart. We were the "what if" gals. "Possibilities" would make us salivate. The largest group was made up of women who were almost our complete opposites. Hmmm.

It got more interesting. The speaker noted that this is a fair representation of what our churches look like in their makeup of personalities. The largest group represented in "the church" is the one that is more outspoken and thinks their view of things is the "right" one; they are more task oriented, more administrative or up front leaders and systematic in thinking. She pointed out the obvious imbalance, noting that all the "groups" of personalities need each other. We balance each other out, and all are key elements in the running and operating of a church and it's ministries. But, unfortunately, churches tend to utulize only the predominate or largest group "type" and can overlook the smaller group and their strengths, not utilizing a group that could be a real asset to the church. (I'll do a blog all about this at some point. I have a lot of "feelings" about this!)

Aahh, another light bulb moment. I realized this is where a lot of self-doubt developed in me, especially as it pertained to being a member of a church. For too long I had listened to others who weren't my personality type, who functioned totally different than I did, tell me what was what--what my gifts were, what my abilities were, what acts of service I would best be suited for, etc. I didn't trust myself to know these things inherently. When my "gut" didn't agree with what they were saying, or intuitively I was getting all the wrong "vibes" from this person, I would shut those signals off, and give credence to what they were saying because, afterall, they had the majority on their side and had a consensus. On occasion, I will lapse into this sensation of odd duck-ness at church. "It" is still lurking, and I still have those times of feeling out of place or on the fringe. I'm convinced my "type" is still a minority in the church, but I remind myself that it isn't always true that those that quack the loudest are always right. I'm much more interested in being obedient to the Lord, than falling in line with the majority. Sometimes they coincide, and other times they don't. If anything, that feeling of being an odd-duck has strengthened my resolve to stay focused on what God is doing and listen to Him only.

So, this inventory was the first that I felt validated in who I was. I just felt so affirmed in that who I was, was okay. God did create me with a purpose and a plan. He didn't make a mistake in creating me after all. And all those intuitive things going on are real...I'm not a mental case...at least not most of the time! That gut feeling I get...that's the Holy Spirit getting my attention. It's all part of my make up and I don't have to apologize for that.

Throughout the years I've continued "assessing" myself, getting to know me better. Most recently I just finished the popular "Living your Strengths" inventory. Again, not surprised by the results, but affirmed and encouraged to use those strengths to glorify God.

Things I've learned about being an Odd Duck:
* At times I'm confronted by those old odd duck feelings, but they only have as much power as I allow them to have. I'm no longer paralyzed by them.
* It is important to always stand in truth. God's truth; truth about my weaknesses and strengths; truth about unconfessed sin in my life; truth about things I need to be repentant of.
* I am in process and always will be. I will never "arrive". There is great freedom in that. It lessens the tendancy to "perform", and allows me to be forgiving towards myself.
* Being created in the image of God, I find great comfort in knowing that God understands me. I can be 'fully me' with God and I don't have to explain everything. He "gets" me.
* Only God's opinion of me matters. He is the only one I want to please and in focusing on him, I am freed up to love others much more freely.
* God can continue to make me into whomever he wishes. He can develop any trait, gifting, strength or ability and use it as he sees fit as I surrender myself to Him daily. He can be glorified just by me being fully me, being fully reliant on Him.
* There will always be someone or some group wanting to put me in a nice neat little box with a bow, or they will tell me I must color inside the lines if I'm going to do it right. I know I don't have to be boxed, or color just like them; but I can also be gracious in declining 'box-dom' and coloring lessons understanding that others are in process also.
*And finally, I remember God doesn't live in a box and He colors outside of the lines.

How Are You?

Just wanted to pass this on. I just returned home a short time ago from doing some grocery shopping. I walked up to the check out line. After placing my items on the conveyor belt, I walked up next to the checker. He seemed pleasant. As he began to scan my items, he smiled and asked the courteous, "How are you today?" I responded with the same customary response of "I'm well. And how are you ?" I asked. The quiet checker responded, "I'm blessed."

I would love to say I had some great spiritual response at this point, but his reply caught me off guard. To say, "oh, yah, me too" would have seemed a little--wrong. I just smiled and didn't say anything but proceeded to pack up my groceries.

When it was time to leave, he sent me on my way with "God bless you." What a bright spot in the afternoon.

So, how are you today?

Saturday Morning Blessings

Wake up. Let the dogs out. Get the coffee brewing. Turn on the dishwasher that I forgot to turn on last night. Let the dogs back in. Feed the dogs. Pour a cup of coffee. Stake claim to the computer. Take in the peace and quiet all around. Start blogging. Aaahhh, Saturday morning is here!

I actually tried to go back to sleep after letting the dogs out this morning. But as I was laying in bed, my mind started churning, the wheels of thoughts were turning (oh, I made a rhyme!). thinking about blogging this morning! So, I gave in!

Blogging has been a wonderful surprise. Such a fun blessing. I'm really enjoying writing. Unlike many of you, my fellow bloggers, I have not aspired to be a writer. Writing is my preferred mode of expression, but usually it is confined to a journal, nothing so public. I always did well in English classes, and I did win an all-city essay writing contest in the 8th grade, writing about "The Environment." (Come to think about it, in the 70's, "the environment" was such a cutting-edge topic...wow, I was a flower child and didn't even know it!) But I've never considered myself to be "a writer."

Another joy about blogging is all the new "friends" that I've made! I've enjoyed the candid "real-ness" as each of you have shared your thoughts, struggles, joys and life with others, including me. What a wonder that I can "talk" to someone in India or Egypt with just a few key strokes. Or encourage someone else just by sharing my story. And then there are those friends located closer to home that I have reconnected with because of blogging. I've so enjoyed our discussions and e-mails.

Sitting here this morning, I've been thinking about all the blessings of the week. Years ago, long before Oprah and her gratitude journal, I began journaling about the blessings in my life. There was a time in my life when I really didn't think God was all that "good" and there was just too much hard stuff all the time. I began training (dare I say, disciplining?) myself to see God's goodness and to be thankful for the blessings in life. It takes work to see the good stuff in life. We all know the hard stuff is there, and SO easily seen, but being conscious of the blessings and joys takes work, but it is necessary to have balance--it keeps me balanced--to pay attention to things and give thanks.

I have not journaled about blessings in some time, but I still look for them and am so thankful. These are some of the blessings of my week, some obvious, some obscure:

* My oldest son told me that he knows he can talk to us (his parents) about anything and he never worries that we'll reject him.

* My second oldest son has discovered singing in the choir at school and photography. He's bursting at the seams with enthusiasm over these new-found creative outlets. (He's 16, these may change next week!)

* My third child, and oldest daughter, is finding some really great friendships and enjoying being a freshman in high school. She is blossoming socially, something that was a trial for her in middle school.

* My youngest daughter went kayaking this week as part of a leadership group field trip from school. She absolutely loved it and conquered some real fears.

* A friend of ours told us he has a new computer for us--one that he "inherited". He had prayed about it and said our family came to mind. (The back story to this is that for quite a while now we have wanted, even needed, a second computer--6 people sharing one computer for homework, home management stuff, e-mail and of course, blogging, has become so cumbersome.--but have never told anyone. Financially it isn't in the budget, so we just kind of let it go.)

* I'm thankful for jobs that provide enough income so that we can eat pretty much anything we want, pay our bills, put gas in the cars, buy school supplies and pay school fees.

* As I turned on our gas fireplace this week to get rid for the morning chill, I was thankful that I could have heat at the flip of a switch.

* I'm thankful for the group of men that my husband Ron meets with every Friday morning. This is a group not from our church, but comprised mostly of fellow UPS guys, multi-denominational, multi I-generational, who have committed to meeting every Friday at 6 am. They really walk the walk, coming alongside one another, praying for one another and encouraging one another as husbands, dads and brothers in Christ. This has been a place where Ron feels, and is, loved and accepted, and such a source of encouragement to him.

* An old friend called this week to let us know that he and his family have just moved back to the area.

* I found out what is wrong with my wrist and have the hope that it can be "fixed" and that I will feel better.

* The joy of music. I love how it gets deep into my insides and moves me, allows me to see the Lord more clearly.

* The Lord said "no" about an area of involvement. I'm thankful that I have some direction, and even though I don't know what I'm going to, I have the peace of knowing what I'm not doing.

God is good. Praise God from whom all blessings flow~

Pins & Needles: A Lesson in Nerve Conduction

Recently I found out that I need to have surgery on my left wrist to repair torn cartilage. I have had on-going pain in my wrist since about April, but it wasn't the same carpal tunnel pain I've experienced. I have also been having increased tingling in my pinky and ring finger on that hand as well and didn't know if this was just part of having torn cartilage, or what was going on. Upon closer examination of the MRI results, a cyst was spotted that is located in such a spot that it is putting pressure on my artery and "ulnar" nerve. (I have also been having "sluggish" blood flow to that side of my hand. (TMI?) "Ah ha!" There really has been something going on, and although I wish there were another way to take care of it, it is nice having the hope that things will be repaired during that day surgery (scheduled for Sept. 29) and I can go on with life as normal, although probably a little slower at "posting" at least for a little while during the recovery process!

Just now I have returned from yet another appointment at the orthopedic doctor's office. This time I met with an associate of his who examines nerve conduction. My doctor, Dr. "Mc" wants to be certain that any nerve issues I have are localized and not coming from another source in my arm. Anyway, I saw Dr. "L" this morning. He was going to determine the condition of my ulnar nerve.

As I walked into the room I saw a lap top computer, some wires, a few little pad type things, a wand-ish looking instrument and gel. Nothing too threatening in appearance. The doctor was very pleasant and answered questions, thoroughly explained what he was looking for, etc. I felt comfortable, even relaxed. He began drawing on my arms with a ball point pen, making "x's", dots, and arrows. He pulled out his tape measure, making note of the distance between different pairs of markings, and then began to explain the procedure.

Now, of course I know our bodies conduct electricity and that our muscles and nerves send electrical impulses to one another. But somehow, I hadn't really thought through the whole test process and that electricity would be involved. Boy, was I in for a "shock" (pun intended).

That "wand" instrument....it is used to send an electrical current through points along the nerves that make your fingers, arms and body twitch. As if to make things seem not so bad, he likened the impulse to that of a "carpet shock" or static electricity. And I'm thinking, "who likes that?" He continued to hook me up with little "conductors" along my arms, my hand and wrist. On comes the laptop and then those words, "Okay, you'll have a little twitching in your fingers and it might feel a little strange." That was doctor-ese for 'there is no way to make this seem pleasant so I'll just lie'. I would have to say that the "impulses" did deliver a surprise like a carpet shock, but not of the same intensity...they were worse! Thankfully, Dr. L could adjust the intensity and did so from time to time, so there were only a few that really made me gasp and jerk all over. (Pleasant image, I know!)

Oh, did I mention the "small pin" that was also part of the procedure? This was mentioned almost like an after thought. "I will also use a small pin just to take a reading of some of the muscle activity." Okay, this was a needle...not a pin. (More of that doctor-ese.) It was painful when inserted just under the skin of my thumbs and pinky finger. As he mentioned, the hands are probably one of the most sensitive parts of our bodies with more nerve endings than most everywhere else. I could tell that was true! He used this "pin" on my upper arm and I really did barely feel it. Hardly any sensation...but as he worked his way down my forearm, then my wrist and then to my palm, the pain sensation increased. The "cool" thing about this probe, is that he could "listen" to my muscles. I could see the muscle impulses on the computer screen, but there was an audible noise my muscles were making as I moved my fingers and clutched my fist. How can this be?

Laying there, I began to talk to Dr. L about how we're made and how amazing all this is. I don't know if he is a believer or not, but I was struck with the sense that he never gets tired of this...seeing how things work...figuring out why things don't connect right, etc. I said something about how we're so intricately designed and that having tests like this just helps me appreciate it more all the time. He joined in with agreement, echoing that we have been designed and created so marvelously. It was just such a nice moment, appreciating science and technology, but acknowledging and appreciating the real wonder of how we're created.

Driving home just now, I was just kind of awe-struck. Reflecting on the examination, I was appreciating my nerves, my muscles, even that I can feel pain or discomfort-- (However, I still don't like electrical impulses.)--and so thankful for the intricacies of the human body.

That was my morning...now I get to go have lunch with my dear friend...after I clean off all the ball point pen markings.